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On my way to rehab, i finally give up
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On my way to rehab, i finally give up

Its been over a year with addiction to opiates painkillers. I have my last peice of suboxone which im going to take tonite before i go to sleep. Then tommoroww will be day number uno. I called a rehab center,left a message and hopefully they call me tommoroww. I want to get checked in asap. I told my parents, my dad is ready to kill me, my mom is much more supportive, its been that way with everything tho, no surprise there. At least i have some support, and ill get the treatment i need. I already wrote down a list of things i want to accomplish when i get out. Some of them are reastablishing relationships of people around me, joining the peace corps or military, and getting back into playing piano full time. I just want to say to people out there who are addicted is that theyre are millions of people out there who understand the pain. Help is out there.  I think the hardest thing will be when i get out, trying to find something to fill that hole where my love for getting high is. In any case im gonna sign off. Haha whats the worst that can happen, i can get clean, heck even its only for the month that im there. Id rather be sober in rehab, than high anywhere. I hope my next post is something as upbeat. probaly not cuz i kno it will b painful.
Take Care everyone
17 Comments Post a Comment
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52704_tn?1387024397
good for you!  rehab was the best thing that ever happened to me.  where are you going?

CATUF
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4341997_tn?1380655144
thanks for the post!!  and congrats on wanting to take your life back!  whether it's rehab or doing it at home.....this forum has saved me over the past 32 days....couldn't have done it without the people on here that helped me thru it all.....still an uphill battle for now, but i see the light at the end of the tunnel....just know that we are all pulling for you and you will succeed!!  i was on pain killers for many many years so i know how scary this is and how hard....please keep us posted when you can and good luck with it all!!  we will be here when you get back  :)  
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4149717_tn?1389507161
Good job in making that decision! I know deciding to go to rehab is not an easy one to come to but It will be a rewarding one. Best of luck and I will look forward to hearing an updat when you get out!
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Avatar_m_tn
Thank you all for support. I hid it from my parents and friends for over a year now, i already feel better that i dont have to hide it. I should be going tommorow. Im from Luzerne county PA. And there is this issue with the insurance that the closest rehab center is 1 and 1/2 hours away!!! And its only outpatient. There is one closer about 1/2 hour thats inpatient and they THINK they could take me. My minds been racing all day, which ones are the best?? I dont want my mother and father to get stuck with a thousand dollar bill either. My boss who helped me thru college probaly wont talk to me, my dad cant even look at me. I feel good that i came clean but like an selfish a hole at the same time. Keep in mind my brother is in jail for alchohol and my dad had a heart attach a few months back. They have enough 2 deal with, than i dump this pile on them. idk i feel reel inside out. If my parents fall over dead it will b from me, no doubt. But the hot flashes are startin, i need to get thru one night, i hope tommoroww i can find a rehab center that accepts my insurance (Blue Cross),I thought everyone accepted it but apparently not. THanks everyone for the positivity, i have trouble with that. Thanks so much. Ill check back to let u kno how it turns out.
One more thing i did realize, when i was callin insurance centers and rehab centers explaining i needed rehab, i felt like such a low life. And i came across a fellow who suffered from alchohol years back, he understood. And the others idk if they did drugs or not, wernt judgemental at all, maybe some of my perceptions about the world are wrong after all.
Thanks to everyone for caring, really i didnt think neone did! Im going for a hot bath.
Take care, ill let yous kno how it turns out.
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Avatar_m_tn
sorry i missed ur question there, the one thats far away is the rehab after work program, in lansdale pa i believe. But its outpatient, i want inpatient. The inpatient one is in kingston pa, choice, or choices i think its called. thats the one said SHOULD be able to accept me with this non sence with the insurance.
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271792_tn?1334983257
Hey Bud..so glad to hear that you are doing the right thing! Way to go.

I moved here from White Haven 7 months ago. Where are you going if you don't mind me asking? (Both hubby and I have been to treatment in PA)
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2107676_tn?1388977459
This sounds like the best decision of your life.  I really wish that there were more Rehabs for people.  The support you will receive will be wonderful.
Keep us updated and good luck to you.
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4204073_tn?1361835076
You are doing the absolutely best thing you can do for yourself!    If you can do inpatient, go for it.  That's is the best route to go.  Good Luck to you and let us know what happens.  
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Avatar_m_tn
Hello!!
Thank you EVERYONE on here who posted kind words for me. Actually reading through it took me back to those old feelings of withdrawl (withdrawal) in a good way though, it makes me appreciate how far I've come. I went to inpatient rehab in Lemoyne PA(right outside of harrisburg)for 30 LONG DAYS. Which is two hours from home. (this was the closest rehab that wasnt hospital care that wasnt full, hospital care was too expensive) It was painful but at the same time i felt relief being with other alchoholics and addicts made things easier. I finished detox at day 10. They all helped me more than i could put into words. I'm currently in a recovery house up here and its been 47 days since I've detoxed from opiates, mostly vicodin and oxycodone. I've just got my computer up and running a few days ago, so I thought i should get on here and share my experience. I remember reading on here while using how people had time clean and feeling i would never live long enough to expereince it. There were times where i would wish god would just take me. There are lots of rehabs who can help, NA and AA is open ot anyone who wants to be clean. I deffinetly recommend it. I met some cool people, and i was surprised how many of them have concern for me,In my addiction, i thought no one cared, i couldn't have been farther from the truth. I'm sorry if i sound like im bragging. i don't mean to, for once im actually happy. Everything I drag though the door doesn't have to be a dead animal!! The help is there, just have to have the desire, with that nothing stands in the way.  To just not have to wake up sweating is amazing. It wasn't easy, and there are still times when i want to use. Hell yea im a drug addict, even an alchoholic to an extent. But drugs were always my choice, Not jus opiates, but alchohol,cocaine, pot, hallucinogins, watever would get my high I actually used cocaine for longer than opiates. But after i started with the pills, i went downhill really fast. My family knew there waas something going on.  NA has helped me a lot, i couldn't have done it without the support of NA, New Insights rehab, u guys, family,friends,  who told me i was making the right choice. Again thank you.
IBKLEEN- i'm from freeland, which is like right down the road from white haven.
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1416133_tn?1351126817
I LOVE this post!!  You and I haven't met, but I can honestly say I could not be happier for you!!  Keep going, you are an inspiration.
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1235186_tn?1339127464
wow, this is so great. what an inspiration to those just starting the journey.
congrats on your clean time. i am so proud of you.
thank you so much for updating your thread, we love it.
keep on keepin on. you sound so wonderful, positive and very hopeful.
you are on the road to recovery, remember it is a marathon not a sprint.
keep the faith.....
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2107676_tn?1388977459
Great post and a wonderful outcome.  Thanks so much for letting us know you are okay.  It sounds like you had a fantastic experience and a ton of support.  I really would love to have been able to do what you did.
Nice to hear you so positive and happy.
Keep in touch.
It would be great to have you posting on the forum sharing all of the experience you have gained.
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4341997_tn?1380655144
congrats on your clean time!  that's an amazing journey!  thank you for posting an update!  you're doing and sounding great!  keep it up!  
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3197167_tn?1348972206
What a JOYFUL post to read.  Thank you for returning and posting your journey!  I am SO happy you have actually experienced how wonderful and compassionate other recovering addicts can be.  Inpatient trmt is an invaluable experience....it still amazes me how I can draw from and remember back to my trmt days so many yrs ago (about your age).  The foundation you are building is SOLID and living in a recovery house and going to meetings is strengthening that new foundation for a life of recovery.  Hope you will continue to share your journey.  A quote from a movie I just watched last night seems to fit the life of us recovering addicts.
"If you give it your ALL, you've already WON".
Blessings to you~

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Avatar_m_tn
Thanks everyone. WOW u guys don't waste time on here, lol, i just posted minutes ago and all these responses, thank you. I do plan on sticking around and helping others. It was great to have you guys helping me when i was down, i want to do the same for the next addict/alchohlic struggling. That's how it works, we have to keep passing the gift on down. It's like that movie pass it on or pass it down??Idk neway I'll be honest, i still struggle. When i got to rehab, i remember thinking 'alright 30 days and i'll be out of here and ill be good to go'. but i slowly learned that i wasn't getting off that easy. They took us to meetings in the community and that's where i really started to feel, idk new feelings. I had half-assedly tried na about 3 1/2 yrs ago, but i did it to make my family happpy, not for myself. I'll try to make this short, i remember it was during my first week at an NA meeting. An older woman shared, and i had shared earlier in the meeting about my depression, obsession to use, anxiety, and how my life was basically upside down. When she shared she had this peacefulness, in here voice, in her face, and in her eyes. I've done my share of BS'in and been around other BS'ers, she was truly at peace with herself. I don't even remember her name and haven't seen her since that meeting, but ill never forget her. And i was never a huge god person, i always believed that maybe there was something out there. But i just wasn't looking for it. Even today i still have doubts and reservations, but at least im searching for it. I found that part of the reason i felt that way was things in my past (resentments), even before i started using, that had pushed my further from god. I like to say "divine force" as god strikes negative feeling with me. So thats my understanding of a higher power, and yours could be completely different. It's ok. there's no rule book or oversight committee demanding how u perceive god. Wow i feel like im sharing in a meeting right now!! im also on medication. I took naltrexone (Vivitrol) which is for cravings, i also deffinetly recommend that, i slept a lot better after i took it, and an antidepressant, which also helps with the depression. And yea i just don;t want to sound like i went to rehab and now my life is perfect, because it isn't. I have to work on myself a lot more. I can't be in a relationship, have lots of outstanding debt, lost a great job. But I don't dwell on it anymore. That negative dwelling and obsessing has for the most part been lifted. I get in ruts still, earlier today i was hurting. So I called my sponsor, and a couple other recovering addicts. I don't have to use!! My father could look me in the eye now, my 2 older brothers look up to me!!! i never thought i'd say that. I spent most of my life trying to live up to their expectations. I could go on all night, really. Again thanx for the responses, i may post my story in a new thread, from beginning to end. God bless.
There are still people suffering out there from this disease, we've got to keep passing the word. Thanks for giving me more hope and faith today. It truly is the gift that keeps on giving!!
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480448_tn?1403547723
I agree...what a fantastic post and SO nice to read an update!!!  So many people post and just fall off the face of the earth.

You sound so good, I can FEEL your joy coming through your words.  Sounds like you're learning a LOT about yourself and others, and the world around you.

Keep up the amazing work...I have no doubt that you will be successful, and maybe even a source of inspiration for others in a big way. Your personality just shines through, you sound like one special person.

Would love to read more from you.  Congrats on your sobriety...you have SO much to celebrate...be VERY proud of yourself, and again, thanks for remembering us and coming back to share.  

Very best to you!
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1416133_tn?1351126817
"at least I'm searching for it" and your mention of your father being able to look you in the eye now?  Powerful.  Very powerful.  Thank you SO much for coming back to the forum.

I think you're going to be a huge asset to others as you continue to move forward BECAUSE of those doubts and reservations you're currently feeling.  We all feel that way, frj.  And we have to find a new way to cope and that is exactly what you are doing.  (me too - I'm a work in progress and I suspect I always will be - at least I hope so!)

Oh and I think the movie you were thinking of was "pay it forward"?  But either way, well said!
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