One month to the day and I blew it!

[MSmith2220]

Lets just say I set myself up for failure when I let my doctor send me pills in the mail. I was going to hold onto them and save them for the apocalypse, really I was. I got sick for a week prior with a REALLY bad cough. It was so bad that my back felt like it was going to explode. So, I took some vics, because my back is why I had then anyway... 2 days later, I was still taking them... a week later I was still taking them.... 10 days later, 102 x 5/500 Vicodins, ingested and digested by my wonderful liver and intestines, oh don't forget my brain. I have 8 left, in my head I want to taper, in my heart I want to flush them, in my mind I want to eat them and CT the following day.

I am so pissed at myself. I know I started taking them for a good reason, innocent little cough and pain, but HOLY CRAP, 110 in 11days, WTF!

Anyway, why would I do that to myself after 30days of sobriety? How can we do this to ourselves? I am so pissed off at myself and I know its good fuel for this next and final run, but really? Come on!

Wish me luck, friends. I'm sorry if I let any of you down.

[Fireby29]

What BKitty said!

If you want to get clean and stay clean you must cut off ALL supply, tell your doc your an addict.  Ditto the dentist and pharmacy,

Tell your secret to family and close friends.

Find aftercare.

Do this and you will have the barriers up to protect your sobriety.  Continue to live without protection, you will most likely relapse.  You never have to be embarrassed or fell you have let us down.  You had a great 30 days, now go out and do what it really takes to get clean.  Good luck, keep posting.

Bryan

[clean_in_ks]

So JAZZED you are both back!!  You are both learning as you go and still reaching out and helping others.  We all need to hear from both of you!
Your experience may just help someone else and you won't even know it!

Not to hi jack your thread....MSmith...but I gotta let this out....

NURSEY7......I JUST NOW SAW YOUR NAME AND GOT SO EXCITED TO HAVE YOU BACK!!!!!!  HAPPY HAPPY.....and doing it different this time is all that matters.  

[Nursey7]

All I can say is I totally related to your post!  You are right we do set ourselves up!  I, too, suffer from pain-real pain. I went for almost 70 days but I was hurting the whole time. End result went to my doctor and gave him the express script form for all my medications, including the Hydrocodone. And it was like magic I had 270 hydrocodone 7.5 in the mail!  Man I was so happy; this is great-so excited! I thought I could so do it and I did for 3 days; I took them as the bottle said. I was feeling good for the first time in a couple months.  Then a day or so later I was up to 8-12 and my stomach was killing me. In my mind I was like I got to stop; this is killing my liver. I am a nurse and all I was thinking about was my liver enzymes but still popping pills insanely!  So I can totally relate; 270 pills gone-poof!!  I was a big sobbing idiot when they were gone-actually flushed the last 20 or so. I did get to a doctor that specializes in fibro, rheumatoid
and lupus. I am taking another pain pill but I am hopeful. He has set me up with a physical therapist, psychotherapy, biofeedback. I have to do drug screens and NO alcohol, which is at times my downfall too!!  If you truly have pain, take care of it first because we are addicts. I wish you all the best and thank-you!  This is the first time I have posted since I relapsed because of the embarrassment!!

[lilly1307]

The VA does send narcotics pain meds in the mail.  Strange, yes, but true as i used to get them every month too.

[weaver71]

When a person uses their drug of choice it's not their bottom. Just because a person uses doesn't mean that they have to hit bottom again. Addiction is progressive so is recovery. You have only lost what you haven't learned. Get up and move on. Progress over perfection is the ideal. How can this recent experience benefit your recovery. Stay focused on the prize. How can we help?

[Bkitty]

And for your cough try Delsym cough syrup-Its OTC and works really good!

[Bkitty]

The very first time I got sober I relapsed on my 30day anniversary! You gotta cut off the supply! If I had pills mailed to me you betcha Im gonna take them! Wouldn't want them to go to waste. Thank You for serving. But you need to get real here and stop with the excuses. The first thing you need to do is cancel that script-red flag yourself or whatever you need to do to stay sober! Im in a lot of pain right now too-but my body is just gonna have to deal with it and deal with Motrin and heat! Have you started any kind of aftercare/NA? Its crucial at this point so you can learn to deal with cravings and control. But Im afraid for you as long as you have pills coming in the mail-you wont win that game trust me! You can do this!! You know what you have to do! ((((hugs))))~Bkitty

[YesLife4Me]

Be careful because it sneaks up on you out of nowhere...and when I say nowhere...that's what I mean!    For example; I have been not taking anything for 12 days.   Had the exact same thoughts as you after my last relapse.  I absolutely do not want to ever experience the pain of wd physically and emotionally again.   Was not having any real cravings.    In fact, the thought of taking something makes me feel ill.   Until this morning!!!    First thing I thought of when I woke up was 'I need a pill".   No rhyme or reason for it whatsoever.   I quickly shook that thought, started getting ready for work and then a new thought popped in "I wonder if I have one lying around somewhere".   Next thing I knew I was rummaging around in my usual places I stashed them.   Suddenly I caught myself and what I was doing.  I couldn't believe how natural it was to just be doing that.  It was like brushing my teeth.   Scared the bejesus out of me that my addict took over my thoughts and body so easily.   Then I made sure I went to a meeting today.    I guess my lesson is not to get over confident that you have this licked.   We never do!   Always be on guard.   It's knocking on the door and calling out to us constantly.  

[LeaAnn807]

Very good idea!  That's the right way to think if you wanna stay clean. You do have to remember this.  That, in itself, won't do it, but it certainly doesn't hurt!!! : )  It's so hard to stop the habit of thinking that a pill will help this or that, but it's a change that you have to concentrate on making and understand that, in the end, it's not helping ANYTHING.  The first time I got through REAL pain without a pain pill of any kind, I felt empowered.  I was more confident that I was on my way.  You will be too!!!  Just get through a day at a time.  It takes a while to get addicted.  It takes at least double that amt of time to get straightened out........maybe longer.  So, don't get discouraged.  It's not an overnight fix!

[MSmith2220]

I was clean for 31days.

I guess my point in writing this is to tell you that I screwed up. I'm more hurt by this than anyone here. I suppose in a good way, that's a really good thing. If I was ok, or figured I would would get over it, I would be on another stage of quitting. I really do want to quit but struggle. I can manage a day, a week, a few months, as I have before but something draw me back in and I run head first into the wall.

I have a good feeling about this one. I know the consequences, I know the pain I am doing to others and I hate it. I like nothing about it and this time, I hated myself EVERY time I opened the hatch. Its different this time and I think I final found out what it takes.

I realized that I can't live with them, even if its for a good cause. I can't take just one, I know I can't but you never think you are that crazed, I know I can't trust my mind to tell me the right thing when it comes to pills. LeaAnn, you're right, no pills for anything, ever, I just have to deal with that fact.

This time I will tell my doctor to cancel my script. This time I wont forget how I feel right now. Thanks.

[LeaAnn807]

Well, let me say.......thank you for your service.  My husband is out of the military now but is a war veteran himself.  We are pretty patriotic around my house!

I'm not surprised at all that the VA mails meds.  I did know that, but as an addict, you have to stop that mailing of narcs.  Immediately if not sooner!  So, I am a little confused.  Have you been clean or have you been taking a prescribed dose the entire time?  I'm just trying to figure out where you are in this.  

I, too, have back issues.  I'm sure not as bad as some, but I do have a broken vertebra, and it does hurt most of the time.  I've also had, since i got clean, a kidney stone, hysterectomy, dental implant and bone graft (probably the most painful of all mentioned!) and various other things that were extremely painful.  I didn't take pills for any of it.  I'm not perfect here....that's not what I'm saying.  But you have to prepare for a LIFETIME of not taking pills for any reason, or you can't do this.  Yes, it's one day at a time, but you can't plan to take pills and "keep a refill just in case!" (And I always did!) You're right.  You have to cancel any possibility out of your life!  I really want to see you overcome this.  You don't deserve to have to live this way! : )

[IBKleen]

Thank you for serving. I can never say that enough.

You do NOT have a valid excuse for using. I am 60 years old and have 5 herniated disks. I hooped on one leg today trough Wal-Mart, hanging on to a cart,  and believe me, it wasn't pleasant. I don't recommend that for anyone and I am not a martyr but I don't take a pill at the drop of a hat. It is not the answer. You CAN get help.

I am not disappointed in you, I am surprised you lasted this long. Please get the help you so desperately need. the holidays are upon us and I am sure your family and loved ones want you around. i WANT you around. Please do it.

[MSmith2220]

Look at my very first post, it gives my background. When I say vet, I mean military veteran. I am 28years old and have a really bad back.AND YES the VA does send medication in the mail, you have to sign for it though... AND YES, I was just as surprised to find that out as I'm sure most of you are too.

[MSmith2220]

Ha. Ok. I am a Vet, I am on long term medication care. I have been getting 3pills a day for 30days Rx (90pills a bottle) for a few months and before that easy 30pils here, 30 there, shop here, shot there, borrow from him, take from her... Never said I wasn't addicted :p I was clean after the last batch but I wanted to hold onto a bottle so I didn't tell him NOT to send them to me. I was going to hold them.

Problem was, I found a VALID excuse to take them and that was all it took to finish the bottle. I know what not to do next time though.

As for my Apocalypse remark. Do I believe, really? No. If it did would you want a bottle of pills for when you get shot trying to steal my food? Yes you would. That's a topic we can talk about somewhere else.

Moral of the story, DON"T GET A REFILL ever again!

[IBKleen]

I am so confused. Your doctor sent you pills in the mail? REALLY? The Apocalypse? OUCH!

Hun, if you ar here to get clean then let's get with it. A cough does not require pain medication. Get honest--you like them right?

Now, what are you going to do to get clean?

[LeaAnn807]

You didn't let me down, but I gotta ask........the apocalypse?  For real?  And yes, you set yourself up for that one!  You can't take pills anymore.  PERIOD!  Not for coughs or backs or whatever!  If that were true, I'd be taking them this very second.