I am a 38 year old female, Registered Nurse and have spent over half of my adult life battling opiate addiction. I started "small" with Vicodin 5/500mg and over the years needing more of a "fix" and a greater high, advanced to Oxycontin and Roxycodone addiction. I have since added the Benzo's to my cocktail and see the viscious cycle I am in. I had a spinal fusion when I was 18 years old and was immediately hooked with the assortment of pain pills I had, and still have ready access to. One look at my back and X-rays and any Dr. asks "what do you want?". This has become a day to day battle emotionally, physically and most of all financially. When I run out of my Rx and it is to early to refill, I buy them off of the street and they are not cheap (15-25$) a pop. I find myself panicking when I run low and have to plan ahead and make sure I have the opiates each day because as many of us know, the detox is BRUTAL and the biggest demon I have ever had to battle. One time going through detox and you will do Whatever it takes to prevent this. The night sweats, chills, diarrhea, restless legs at night and so on.... Not pretty. I work everyday and primarily to support my habit. I am reaching out for help and when I think of quitting after being an addict for so long, I feel like I am losing a friend, a best friend that you know is so bad for you, but you love them anyways, I have learned to socialize with my addiction always by my side and find myself petrified of living a life without my addiction. I will have to find myself, my true self and this scares me to death. I have a daily routine all of which revolves around my addiction. Addiction runs in my family, with several of my family members dying related to substance abuse issues. I have more than issues, I have volumes to deal with and am hoping just one person reading this will understand and tell me that their is a light at the end of that dark tunnel. I have seen how deep the rabbit hole goes and that hole gets bigger and bigger and soon you are buried and no lifeline seems in sight. My parents are wonderful people, but are strict Christians and would never be able to come to grips with this addiction I battle. I feel that I can open up more freely when this is anonymous and the judgement is gone. I feel so much better just writing this down and expressing to hundreds of strangers my problems. I know however, if you are here and you are reading this you need the same help I do or can offer help that brought you back from the land of the dead to the land of the living. Looking for my soul ..... I want it back today,
I am an RN as well....I quit 3 1/2 weeks ago and can feel your pain...I have a fusion as well...I work 5 days a week but did have to take some time off to detox...I was a hydrocodone user...I became despondent and began isolating in spite of my drug use...I could not afford to keep up with my climbing tolerence and was maintaining to be normal basically for about 6 months before I quit...I was getting depressed and they no longer gave me the energy and "Fun" personality anymore...I am managing to get out at this point as I am single but I lay low much more than I used to do...I am hoping to get my complete self back and am feeling much more positive about it now.....keep posting
thankfully you recognize you are an addict and that is the 1st step to recovery. as you know there are options for quitting. c/t, taper or maybe suboxone. keep reading some of the post here and decided which option is best for you. let us know which you choose and we will be here for support and to answer your questions. you can do this and you are not alone. it will not be easy but it is doable. keep posting
Hey, welcome to the forum. Most of us here can relate, I know I can. There is hope. It's a long hard road as you well know, but doable. I myself quit , relapsed ,quit, relapsed etc. each time using more and more. I am now on Suboxone. It is giving me a chance to get my life in order and break the bad habits. It is an option,but it alone won't work. You must have support and some sort of therapy along with it. Of course there are the other options, tapering and cold turkey. It's all up to you. This forum is a great start. It has helped me greatley. Keep reading and posting here. You will meet some wonderful supportive people with great advice.
Best thing you did was recognize your addiction. I came off a patch/perc habit over 41 days ago after a 3.5 week taper. I used for almost 4 years but the amounts were getting ridiculous, i.e. ever increasing. This forum is great for sharing and receiving real world experience for helping you deal with your issues...
You can do this...we all did as well...you learn to shed your 'friends' when you experience the freedom you have from always having to cover...having enough pills.
you know it's an issue...cool!.....very similar stories......i was at you're point a year ago........kept it in the closet.....quitting on the mind steady...i should have came out and asked for help because instead i ended way behind on everything...paychecks spent before in hand.....got desperate and my pride still would not let me ask for help....tried a crime got busted....7th day clean from an oxycontin 80mg 5-10 a day....under house arrest and getting it together day by day...i'm not going back to any opiate ...i'd rather back,knees,neck and all the other injuries make my cry in pain than go back to chasing those lil blue majic bullets........i wish i could get my soul back in a day but it aint guna happen.....oh but it would be nice eh?.....get help...don't be scared...suprising how many people understand...even after a way out of caracter criminal charge....lol...good luck
I understand completely about not wanting to tell your very Christian parents. I felt the same way. I was also very involved with my church and local theatre, packed full of all my church friends. I was teaching Sunday School to K and 1st graders. I finally had to tell my husband, children, family and church family what was going on. To my amazement.... everyone has pulled together to help me with whatever I need. They did not judge me at all. They have been praying for me, calling and checking on me. I can't think of one person that knows that looked down on me. It was very hard for me to ask for help but when I did there was a special feeling of freedom that I can't explain. I still get mad or irritable with them when they hold me accountable but if they didn't I couldn't do this. The Secret of you addiction is the key to it controlling you. Hang in there. I am no where near through this but when i read your story, i really related.
I am cutting and pasting a response I made in another post but I think it applies to your situation. That is "IF" you suffer from constant pain. My wife is also an RN.
"Regarding the perils of Methadone. I agree that this is true for some people but not all. Methadone saved my wife's life. Literally. She has a very real and inoperable pain. 240 mg/day of oxy was no longer working so she was scoring more. Probably up to 400-500 mg / day. Seizures. Breakdown. Hospital stay te works.. she even Detoxed in a state facility but her pain came back with a vengeance. She was either on methadone or (eventually) dead. The crazy and amazing part for me is that she's really close to being the woman I once knew and her pain is under control.
If you can get off everything and be pain free then I agree. DO IT. If you truly have no choice then (in my experience) methadone is a MUCH lesser evil than the unrestrained opiats oxys and hydros.
mare, i understand what you are saying about having a secret addiction, but where your parents are concerned true christians will not judge you but will help. my dad has been a pastor of the same baptist church for 46 years...i am 47. 5 years ago my husband and i had a huge addiction to cocaine. had we continued on that path we would have died. i went to my dad and told him we needed help. he prayed for us and on sunday morning he stood in front of our church (where i had grown up from 1 yearold) and told them we had this addiction. at this time we were 3 days clean and both about to go crazy. he ask our church mebers that would stand with us in prayer to please come forward. all 200 members came forward and prayed and cried with us. form that point on we had so much support from them. they would come to our house and pray with us and just be there for us. my point is when you are honest ppl will come to your aid.
as j stated above the secret of your addiction is the key to it controlling you. you have not got to be accountable to anyone if it is your secret.
sorry i didnt mean to tell ya my life story there...i just wanted you to know your parents will be disappointed but will no doubt support you.
good luck and if you need anything just pm i will be there for you
Welcometo this forum.It's a great place to get help and support.
There IS a LIGHT at the end of the tunnel.
At the end of the tunnel is the land of the living...where you can reclaim your soul.
Come join us...we will help you find the freedom you are looking for.
It can be done.
YOU CAN DO IT!!!!
Keep posting and let us know what decide!!!!
If your parents are good Christains they should understand and pray for you and encourage you. I too had a bad addiction to RX narcotics and street dope and spent years on Methadone. I'm now free but don't take it for granted, even being Christian. all the best
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