Oxy - Day seven

[Dav125]

Got pissed off a week ago and am trying to endure here. Went thru L-4/L-5 surgery 4 years ago. I have a new situation where I have a re-rupture of L-4 which the last MRI 2 years ago revealed. I was told at the time surgery is the only option.   I could not even consider that at the time. In lieu, Meds were prescribed.. First it was Hydro, then Oxycodone as the effectiveness dissipated, then 3 months ago raised to Oxy 40's.

I'm tried of feeling like S**T. Been at 120 mg/day . Pain is there, but so far I am tolerating it abet, much limited activity. Including my garden which adds to the depression here. I have to go back to my doctor in 3 days to get additional blood drawn due to a first time rise in my blood sugar in order to run a few additional tests. I do not have an appointment to see him. What I do have is another scrip waiting for me. I feel like my mind is in turmoil here concerning this. On one hand, I need the meds. On the other, I am GD sick of this rollercoaster.

Anyone out there that can comment about the WD's that might have been in a similar situation? Any suggestions on the catch-22 I find myself?

[Dav125]

Will do,,Thanks Larry..David

[pillguy]

You mentioned a "catch 22" in your initial post. I have some thoughts about that but didn't think this was the appropriate time to discuss some of the options.  Drop me a line after your surgery.

[pillguy]

Glad to hear you are heading where you want to be.  Addiction is one thing, dependency with crippling pain, a much more complicated beast.  I hope all goes well with the surgery.

Larry

[Dav125]

Hey Larry,,kinda living with on days and off days. I knew I would run short on the oxycontin this month like last,, but planned against it. Did a taper and had some lortab to fill in the gap to try to endure. Reason I kept running out was breakout pain. I'd break the pills for faster relief as I did not have anything at the time for the breakouts..I'll say this though and hope some others in here listen to what I'm saying.. I never want to go thru a cold turkey experience with that oxy ever again!. It was 8 days of pure H*ll back in March. I was totally caught offguard when that hit..Good news today is I'm 8 days away from the oxycontin 40's today. I did have some wd's the first 3 days last week, but the lortabs took the edge off..Saw my surgeon this morning and went over the MRI..Pretty simple appointment as all we did was pick up on our previous conversation of Jan 06 when I had re-ruptured L-4..This afternoon his nurse will be submitting a request for operating room time, but she said it might be a month before we can get this done..Pain wise this nerve going all the way to my foot has gone ballistic..10-12 times a day feel like I got a nest of thorns in my left buttock cheek. Then pain extends down the leg into the foot keeping my foot in a semi cramped state all the time. Like someone is super stretching the nerve...He gave me some percocets to help get thru the worst moments and said only use those when neccessary. So it will be a combination of lortabs and them to deal with it until surgery.. So its a waiting game now..I'll tell you what though..NO MORE OXYCONTINS FOR THIS GUY!..I could get more, but ain't doing it. That one stint with the wd's a month ago was enough to convince me I never want to get involved with them ever again...

So things are in motion, feeling better today as I got a boost in seeing the surgeon, and now its just taking it easy until I can get this bulge off the nerve..The bulge has things all smushed up in there when he showed me parts of the MRI I didn't quite understand. He was amazed I've endured as long as I have considering 95% of the nerve is pinned. He will be removing the bulging mass and trimming the bone on the disk slightly to make more room in there. After that,,this guy needs to stay away from heavy lifting , extreme chainsaw work associated with surveying I do on occassion etc. I guess it's time for me to learn how to delegate tasks to others and stand back staying in the supervisory realm. Hard for me to do as I was always "hands on" in life helping in whatever way I could, but time to change that. Need to understand I am not a 25 yo jackrabbit anymore..  Thats whats up! So I might need to change my mood setting. There's a little more sunshine in the horizon  :)

[pillguy]

How are you doing?  drop a note to me.

Larry

[Dav125]

Thanks for the support broknbck. At this point the sooner I get some surgery, the quicker this can end. God, never thought I would be looking forward to a procedure like that, but the pain has gone ballistic on me. Tommorrow I will be able to get some relief as I go back to the doctor. I'm struggling with the thought, trying not to beat on myself too much, but in all reality, I don't have much of a choice. The first 4 or 5 days since running out of meds on 4/10 was bearable. Since then it has steadily increased reaching epic proportions today. I really hope that individuals out there that seek excuses to continue to receive meds for all the wrong reasons take note of what I'm expressing here. In real words,,"quit lying to themselves". Because all they are doing is digging a very deep hole which will eventually shallow them. And in reference to your comment below:?

(quote)sorry to hear about your back. i have a couple of back injuries that got me into that mess also. i am off the pills for a couple of years now.(end quote)

I look forward to the day I will be able to write to you, maybe mimick SophieShine, and say "guess what!" , its been 300 days!.

Thanks again

[Dav125]

Hey worried,

Sorry to hear about the extent of the nerve damage you have. I am slightly familar with the "shocks" you talk about that zap you. I did get by with chiropractic from the mid 90's thru 2005, but when I injured myself in 2005, that was something I had to stop as I found out real quick that no amount of re-alignment could help with the nature of the bulging.

I still go on occassion to get my neck straightened out when I get my periodical jammed neck that can aggrevated someone to no end when that gets out of alignment. I also have a cousin who is a chiropractor that has explained alot to me about how all this works and what it can help etc. I know one thing though, I need to get this surgery done, get away from the meds, and allow my neurotransmitters return to their normal function. Do you know anything about them? Like an average time frame that it takes for one's body to get back to producing whatever chemicals or signals they naturally did before they got overroad by medications?

Thats one question thats been elusive for me. How long it takes before the brain starts manufacturing the pleasure chemical that give a person good feelings and stimulation. Another side effect I finally acknowledged to myself and tells me it's time to end this. They have reached a point with me that my emotions are getting masked. Like stuck in a singular state of non eventful bliss. No up, no down, no nothing. Just the same blank feeling every day. God I will be glad when this is over.

[petroglyph54]

Hey Dave, what was you wippin on that poor bulldozer for? Like they say, when your a hammer everything looks like a nail. heh heh. With all those teenagers you shouldn't ever have to bend over again? Now you know I'm in fantasy land.Did you figure out that friend request thing? I'll go over if the puter don't crash again, and invite you. On that survey thing I always did check my addition twice, but the hammer thing, I got a hot wrench, back to  you.

[worried878]

u r well spoken...I can see u r intelligent from ur words...listen to ur gut..it usually leads us in the right direction
I have nerve damage as well...right now I cannot touch the lateral  sides of either hand under my pinkie or it sends shocks through my hand..I know it is nerve related..googled it and is connected to c-4,5,6..i know if i see the dr about it they will suggest another fusion and not ready for that right now,,,chronic pain sux major hotdogs as does chronic addiction to narcotics...it was painful emotionally to me
We do what we gotta do and we are all different..so my choices can not be ur choices and vice versa
Pain meds do nuttin directly to relieve pain..they interupt the perception of pain sent to our brain..basically we do not "care" that we hurt...direct pain relief like ice, heat, massage, anti-inflammatories and even muscle relaxers work directly in the pain cycle...for me chiropractic, yoga also helps,.inverson therapy..ice, infrared heat etc
we do what we gotta do to have asemblence of quality of life
narcotics were not meant to be used long term due to tolerence...but in reality a very small majority of narc users are addicts...seems so to us..most have no desire to abuse their meds...rnt we luck!   COL  ):
keep us posted

[Dav125]

Thankyou Avisg,

I'm a firm believer that things happen for a reason. And getting a gauge on the inflammation could only have happened by being in a position of not having anything to mask it with. I am slightly shocked as to the symtoms that got uncovered. I wasn't expecting them to have extented down my leg and into my foot as much as it has. Nor the level of discomfort it has pretty much 24/7. Thankyou again for the support and understanding. Gives me even more motivation to get this behind me . oxox back at you :)

[avisg]

Dav,
I dont think worried realized right now you fit more into the pain management category then a substance abuser and that you went off the meds to be able to gauge your pain level .However wd is wd either way and being on it for along periods of time even for pain management always being aware of where you could end up is very wise most DONT do that until its far to late .I think you are being very wise by what you are doing .You are staying a step ahead .Very rarely do I tell someone over here that this might not be the right time to stop but with you I believe you should wait until you have surgery instead of doing it now and then have to do it again after surgery .I would see if you can find a lesser amount only because in the end it will be a bit easier and I think it is taking away your ability to truly enjoy life because you to much in a fog . From what you have said so far I would not classify you as an abuser .In then end you know yourself the best and you know the answer to that question...
xoxo A

[Dav125]

No problem Petro, you shouldn't worry about feeling like you might have said something out of place. Any input is good input. Sorry to hear about you overdoing it. This past month where I landed up going thru my prescription too fast was due to my desire to get a garden in. Turn plowing, then tilling, then planting. Nothing really bothered me while doing it, but the next day I could hardly walk the pain was so bad in my leg. Royally inflammed. And knowing I am going to have to distance myself from some of these activities adds to the depressive nature of what I am dealing with. This getting old stuff *****. Just trying to adjust to the fact I am going to have to change my ways is a hard fact to accept. On the documentation thing, thats a hard call. The business I was working for at the time happens to be a family business. The injury I sustained which brought the surgery on was of my own doing in repairing a D-85 bulldozer that my father (passed away now) had said I could utilize but at my own expense concerning repairs etc. I was in the process of having to replace the large ball joints that hold the blade arms to the frame of the machine which had wore out to the point they were about to fall off. The progression of my back problem over the years when I was working directly for him really couldn't be pinned on any one thing. Theres no doubt that this is a result of years of hard work, but I'm not really sure what type of claim I could make at this point in time. File for disability or partial disability? I just don't know. I do know I have to get back into generating additional income soon which is a thought that scares me. Travel is out because of the kids. What I could do in the office of the family business is questionable. I have my own company as well which I subcontract my services (construction layout, advice ,etc) to a small group of clients, including my brother and the family business, but first things first. I have to get this surgery out of the way and get this cloud out of my mind. My concentration has been affected making the paperwork world difficult on me. Especially in the survey realm which occupys my time a couple times a month doing construction layouts. I have found I have to double, sometimes triple check my calculations to be sure as I have been crossing numbers up. Something that "has" to be right the first time. No exceptions..

Thanks for the feedback. Like you, I am so glad I found this site. It has given me a renewed sense of worth and hope which I really needed. And the timing was perfect. The right thing at the right time..Catch you later. I have some tomato and pepper plants to get in the ground. Gardening is one of my most favorite and rewarding hobbies if one were to call it that. I have my girls here to help though so I don't have to worry about bending over etc and aggrevating my situation anymore than it is. Have a good afternoon. Its beautiful here in SC :)

[petroglyph54]

Mornin David, hope I wasn't out of place before! On the hillbilly heroin thingy, realize also, they arnt' usually swallowing them like the scrip says. They are smoking them, shooting them, chopping them up and I don't know what, but not 1 every 12 hours as prescribed.

[Dav125]

Morning worried,

Again I want to emphasis I truly understand where your coming from. And appreciate your message about the dangers of long term continued reliance on medication to get by day to day. I would be a liar to say I don't have a potential problem as the battle with using narcotics is just as much in the psycological area as well as in the physical. And for some people, they never stop to think of how the mind can be the largest obstacle in long term recovery. It does not want to consider stopping. It just wants it's fix and continue to plant the false perception in the mind that one "cannot" survive without. For me, this is something I recognize. When my problem came back, my pain was isolated to the lower back region to which I expressed to my doctor that as long as it did not enter back into the leg, I would try to endure. Part of this decision was due to an individual I know that had back surgery right about the time I re-injured myself. He has had a lifelong problem with his back that had him living in a half hunchback type condition having to walk with a cane looking like he was kinda dragging his foot. He was inform that this could be corrected. Well, it didn't come out as expected. When they went to close him up, they accidentally left the nerve in some sort of position where the spine crushed it. By the time they figured this out post-op, it was too late to undo this . the damage had been done. So instead of having an improvement in his stature, he landed up paralyzed from the waist down. Including the loss of any future hope of intimacy if you catch my drift. Just really screwed up..So as you can see, I had reasons for not wanting to go in and have work done on my disk again. I felt as long as the pain wasn't in my leg, I was not doing threatening damage to the nerve. That changed though about 8 months ago. I over did it inbetween bulldozing and surveying. It was like any other job I had taken on with one exception. I am not as young as I once was. I did not factor in the fact my disk had re-bulged and went at the job with the same vigor I had exhibited over the years. I wasn't feeling pain so I just went on as business as usual. The combination of the constant leg movements in operating the machine, the "jarring" that took place, along with running a chainsaw to clear a path for my survey work all came together and pushed the rupture to the point where the compression was getting into the serious realm. My plan over the past four months which was a strategy agreed upon with my doctor was to give it a little more time and see if the bulging would recede as it had in the past on occassion. It has not. It got worse. Thats apparent as I went thru my meds too fast this past month. A week too soon. But instead of calling my doctor to explain whats going on, I chose to endure and get a read on how bad this thing was getting. And I've also reach the point I am sick and tired of feeling sick and tired, along with honestly knowing that I have reached a point that the only time I do feel kinda good is with the assistance of the meds. A stark fact that I recognize, don't want to continue, nor will allow myself to create all the reasons in my head to justify trying to keep myself in a position where I have all the right reasons to continue to ask for and receive this med for as long as I like. And personally I don't know what the hype is about Oxycontin. I do not get "high" persay off the stuff. I hear it's called hillbilly heroin, but I don't get it. It never has bussed me out. I feel a small measure of euphoria, but nothing like all the information out in the public domain indicate's. And knowing this with myself is all the more reason to end this cycle and get the surgery done. My tolerance level must be way up there. It has to be. At the beginning lortab or whatever they call it was sufficient. Now, the only thing that will even begin to cut into the pain is the oxy I am being prescribed now..

What I've written here would most certainly come under scrutiny if put in the face of substance abuse professionals. First impression I imagine would be to classify me in the denial realm. " Or", just maybe, it might be straightforward honestly with myself in recognizing where I'm headed if I don't act upon my situation, and make the move to do something about it. Something that substance abuse people claim to be a near impossibility for the addict. Statistics say thats an exception, not the rule. I hope this gives you a better picture of the level of acknowledgement I have put forth in looking at the issue of substance abuse and where I find myself in that picture.

[worried878]

David.I am a chronic pp as well
right now..the outer sides of my hands flrer up..nerve dmg cos it turns all red and spotty on the sides of my hand under my pinky..u can touch this and sparks fly
When is happens I think it is cos my hands are asleep when i wake up,,this doent go away tho..may pass by for a bit but it comes back...a reminder to me that my spine is degenerating
Even now that the sides of my hand tingle as I type while it sends electrical shocks..that narctics are the answer??they never were before and not thinkin things have changed too much....and will never be for me...Been there...I have done that..my pain was not reduced enuf to live with the pain of addiction
we r all different..we always will be and is what makes the world go round...we just gotta find our place to revolve..be safe,,,with emphasis on staying safe..pain relief in a costume is not worth losing so much for me
But we r all different

[petroglyph54]

Well, I'm back, I did something stupid. I tried to help my wife move a box, cuz were moving, and I"m hurting [you know the kind, the kind that makes you wonder if your gonna puke]. Can I add this to  the discussion, meant in the best way? This is obviously a work related injury, I cannot stress enough how important, good clean paper work documentation is and will be!!! I don't know your situation there, but this is a serious injury and who knows how this will go or where. I would advise you to keep notes, diary,names etc. Yeah, the timings as good as it can be I guess, coming into summer, it'll be great to have the kids around to help, and you'll have some quality time with them! I was lucky my son was home to call and ambulance for me and meet them at the road. Paper work is everything!!! Did you fill our your report at work?

[Dav125]

Duly noted there worried. I can continue to mask the pain, but the consequences will get me in the end.  Permanent nerve damage affecting my ability to walk based on my observations of having no meds this week. This plan is not to continue to use them long term from this point forward.  I'm not looking for a reason to continue to receive the meds. I'm making the decision (an expense one) to end it. Then the healing and sobriety begins. Upon the termination of post surgery meds which are required. I've been thru this once. I know whats in store. Your points are well taken though. Its a message for those that don't seek the solution, only the meds.. Sleep well. David

[worried878]

OUCH!
Scipts waiting at the pharmacy or at the drs office are a total negative downer and a clean time buster for most recovering addicts..it is a sure way to fail..again..for most of us
pills in the home or close by like a friend who doles them to u or trades with u r no no's as well   for most..some can stand this type of temptation...most can not.
Letting ur dr know in a way that is not a dram series..just simply that u do not find long term narcotic use as ur answer to ur pain issues is all it takes...he will most likely smile  (:

[Dav125]

I plan on getting this going as fast as possible. I've finally made the decision so time to get things organized. Its possible surgery could be a few months off based on the scheduling I experienced the last time. Also it took a month before I was able to initially get in to see the surgeon. I figure I may talk to my doctor about getting a new MRI in motion now thru him. Then get ahold of the surgeon and make an appointment with him to which I would have the new MRI already completed. If I get lucky, I might be able to get this done right after the kids get out of school. Then I would have helpers in the house all day. My oldest is licensed so I have a driver.

Thankyou so much Avisg. Just hearing from you,,and the others has brought some real hope sunshine into my door.

[avisg]

If you go to mymedhelp  way up at the top of the page you will find where you will find friend requests send notes ,email and friend requests .That way if you ever want to write me you are on my friends list and it makes it very easy to do .I am right outside of the Captial .

Talk to your doctor ? See if you can find a happy mediuim.If you are going to get the back sugery I would get it done, so you get to move on with your life instead of spending it in a fog .Let us know how it goes .If the pain gets to be too much you could try half of what you you used to take you may find it works just as well.Without so much fog .

[Dav125]

Thankyou martikadragoon , I am so glad I found this site. I haven't had anybody to talk to that I would feel comfortable speaking with. Been alone fighting my thoughts. Positive thoughts are good, but the best part is the caring feeling I receive thru these posts. It does wonders and creates hope. Its been along time since that type of feeling has crossed my mind.

[Dav125]

God Avisg, what to do? I got thinking the same thing. Why go thru this now being I will have a similar situation post-op. I've decided I am going to discuss this come first of the week with my doctor. Maybe lower the dose. Btw, yes ,I noticed you were in SC. I'm up in the Clover area.The weather has been gorgeous! Need to enjoy it before "instant summer" hits.

What is a friend request??

[martikadragoon]

I agree with Avisg about seeing if you can find a happy medium. You shouldn't suffer until surgery.
I had a back injury and was on pain meds for the majority of the last 18 months. I finally said screw it and flushed my norco ( I could take a pretty good amt and run out of my meds early but I took it for the pain mainly)

the first few days were hell, and NOT easy at all. I had to have my husband help me much more than normal and then I woke up without a whole lot of pain.... the next day it was better... today I'm walking around with nearly no pain and I'm on neurontin for the nerve pain so it's controlling it. it's the first time in 19 months I can get up without the fear of ending up on the couch  all day!.....I had a vicious cycle with the pain meds and it turned out that cycle was somewhat mental for me.