Oxy Withdrawal, How I did it

[Tom77843]

Hello everyone, I am finally posting to this forum. I have been eating Oxy's for over two years, at my worst: 6 / 20's a day. I have been reading your posts for a couple of months now, I have had enough and decided to quit so here is how it went for me.
You guys all seem to agree that a gradual "taper" is the way to go so this is what I tried, with no help... My wife didn't even ever know that I had a problem, or should I say, HAVE a problem. Yes, as boring as this sounds, admitting your problem is the beginning.
Anyway, from 6 pills to 4 was easy over maybe 3-6 days then to 3 pills for a couple of weeks, I need to say that, and this is very important, your body is a "creature of habit" and prone to conditioning. I never liked the way I would sleep if I had taken the drug to close to bed time so I never took any after about 5:00 PM and this was never a problem, never felt cravings at night as my body was "tuned" to this.
Now in my withdrawal, this still holds true, if I make it to 5:00, my symptoms just slacken to almost nothing until the morning (because this is how my body has been conditioned). So I find that tapering is easy if you just take your dosage and spread it evenly throughout the day so there is always some in your system. And don't take them at a time when you didn't as your body will be O.K. at this time and it's a nice place to be, no drugs and no symptoms, or at least very reduced symptoms, it's a time to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
So back to my withdrawals, from 3 it got a little harder (1 at wake, 1 at noon, 1 at 4:00 PM). I think because less than 3 you stop feeling the "nice" or highness.
I went from 3 to 2 1/2 , I just went from 1 at wake to 1/2. This is where it started to get hard. I did this for about a week then it was time to go to 2 so I started to take just halves, in 2 you have 4 halves so I now went to 1/2 @ wake, 1/2 @ 10:00AM 1/2 @ 12:00PM 1/2 @ 2:00 PM and 1/2 @ 4:00 PM, about every 2 hours. I did this for about 4 days. At this point I was feeling like I wanted more, not real bad, doable, no real symptoms yet besides the depression, this was starting to get to me but I knew where it was coming from so I fought it knowing that it would end.
I now had to start changing what my body wanted so I decided to stop the morning dose, I wanted to extend the time from my last to my first and start getting used to not having any, remember, I don't take after 4-5PM so when I took my first of the day now at 10:00AM it has been about 18 hours since my last and now I am feeling the pain of withdrawals, all of them. (I am not a writer and am doing the best I can, I hope this is making sense) This is where you will be tested, you just want the high all the time now and keep saying to yourself, ****, I'll just get high once more, it wont hurt and then I'll go back to my plan.... ********, DON'T GIVE IN. Somebody once said to me, "If your going to do something, do it, give it your all... If your not going to give it your all then don't even try, it's a wast of time and energy. ARE YOU GOING TO QUIT OR KEEP DOING THESE ******* PILLS??? Now is the time to decide what it's going to be, go one way or the other, don't kid yourself, there is only 2 choices, not three... remember this, Not three.
I went from the two pills, all halved, to now I am just taking 1/4 pill at noon and 1/4 pill at 4:00.. The pain is bad from 10:00 AM until 4:00 PM but at it's worst from about 2:00 PM till 4:00PM. By 5:00PM I am feeling OK and by 7:00PM I am like normal (as well as I can remember what normal feels like) So this has been my experience, I have posted this because I spend some time looking for a post like this so I would know what I was up against. I found that the more posts like this one that I read, the more I felt that I could handle this without going to a drug rehabilitation center. I am now at this stage, my wife still doesn't really know or understand what has been happening (I say this so you realize how easy it is to hide this problem, we are close and she doesn't even know??? go figure???)
Now I don't know how to proceed, 1/4 at noon and 1/4 at 4 and I am in pain, really want more... Should I now just quit or taper more?? I'm thinking quit, so tomorrow I will not take any, it has been over 2 years and tomorrow I will take no more... Wish me luck, I will let you know how it goes for me.
I hope this helps even one person, please stop as this is the highway to HELL.
Tom...

[Beargizmo]

Thanks for writing that, Tom...I may show that to my wife...

Best of luck to you and keep us posted and stay with us.


Jim

[road2recovery]

Very good post..Outstanding!!!  Tapering is hard to do, so my hat goes off to you...And you are right, YOU have to want it bad...
i love the saying
"nothing changes if nothing changes"
Thanks and you will help so many
Good luck to you
R2R

[3grlz'mom]

You.  Are.  Awesome.  Here's a thought - once you wean to the one pill or half pill point, and you're experiencing all the garbage that comes w/ the w/d fully - I say when you begin to feel that - quit.  Throw away the rest of your stash - the pain has arrived, so get the poison out of your system completely asap.  To me, the only point of taper is to avoid the unpleasant w/ds.  Once they can no longer be avoided, just quit.  Please let us know how you do.  LOVE your detailed post.  I guarantee you will help people with that.  People will be hitting "print"  :)  You the Man!

[Tom77843]

I decided to go today without instead of tomorrow, it is now 2:00 PM for me and this is by far the worst of the whole nightmare. I was not expecting this as I weened myself down to 1/2 a day, shaking bad, can't think, no energy, bad depression, sweating then cold. I have come so far and am so proud of myself, I will win, I am sure. At this point I am writing this almost to myself as I am going this alone, nobody knows or suspects, wife thinks I don't like her anymore and cant understand my behaviour, this too can and will be repaired. I am confident that this will pass and tomorrow will be a better day.
I find myself just starring at the computer screen, I have no desire to do anything, I work from home and know if I get back to work, I may be able to get my mind off of this, this I will try.
Arg
Thanks for listening

[Tom77843]

Thank you and I think you are right, I think flushing is now the answear.
Oh my god

[Tom77843]

I just flushed 25 20's down the drain, I have no more, I have to do it now, I told the person that supplies me to never give me any again no matter what, I have no other contacts and I am sitting here crying.
This sucks.

[Beargizmo]

You're gonna make it, Tom. that was a big big step...what would happen if you told your wife the truth?
We're here for you.


Jim

[kaybee2]

hi tom, i feel your pain, im on day two, my husband and i were up to an 80 a day and have had a million and one day ones, well we finally made it to day 2. i have to work tonigh and i havent decided if im going to go in, i feel so crappy, goosebumps then sweaty, and bad bad anxiety. i did take a small small peice of suboxone this morning but i thin it was to small to even do anything to help. my husband has class tonight that he cant miss and feels as badly as i do. i hope and pray that we dont give in when he gets home. he called and said no way but i dont know if he'll stick to it.

[Tom77843]

I will tell her tonight as part of the process, this does need to be done, I want full cleanliness, complete and done. this is why I decided to not take any other drugs as help or replacement, I don't drink and don't smoke pot, I want this over.
I flushed my pills and I have never been so scared.
I will continue to document my withdrawal, I searched for this type of post and never found one... I want someone to read this before it's to late and stop when it is easy, I am strong willed, others may not have the strength to quit after almost three years of abuse, I do have chronic back pain, sometimes crippling, this was the beginning, I will tell you that most of this was abuse, doing the pills for the wrong reasons and always telling, lying to myself that the pills were better than the back pain, not true, I did them because they felt good, I liked the high... Now is time to pay, wanna play, gotta pay.
Part of this payment will be confessing to my beautiful, wonderful and I hope as understanding as I think wife.
Laura has been through a lot with me, she is the kind that never gets into trouble, never even touched a joint or cigarette. I will ask her to say **** (poop, this will edit ****) and she will refuse, I will say "just say S and I will know what you mean, and she will refuse. As straight as they come. We have been together for 18 years, I have done it all, been there, done that, got a tee shirt to prove it. What a wonderful person to put up with the likes of me... Now I have to tell her this, well it's my own fault and now I have to pay the piper and he wants payment in full.
I am 50, Laura is 40.. I met her when she was 21 and we have been together since, Laura had never been with another man, Now whats up with that? I don't deserve her and don't blame her for whatever happens tonight but like I said, I will continue to document this horror in hopes that my misery helps another and some good comes from this.
These pills come from Satin himself.
I got to say, talking does help, if you have someone to go this with, I recommend it, all I have is this forum and you people are great, computers are something, now I am getting support from mine.
Please keep talking to me as I suspect this will get worse before it gets better and I do enjoy reading your replies.

Thanks, Tom...

[wannaquit]

Dangit, Tom.  Your story is inspiring and frightening at the same time.  I'm trying to taper myself from the Darvos, and I did well for two days and today not so well.  I have to start over.  This sucks.  You are so right; these pills are straight from Satan, and I wish I would never have taken the first one.  The more I try to taper off, the more I remember why I liked them so much to begin with, and the harder it is to think about never having them again.  I can't tell my husband either, so I understand the pain and fear of going it alone, only I'm the "good one".  The one who has never done anything, the one who doesn't swear, smoke, yadda.  He WAS the bad boy, now reformed, and I can't bring myself to tell him that I've actually been doing this *stuff* to myself since before I met him.  

I really applaud your bravery.  Kudos to you for flushing those vile things and being so strong.  I hope, some day soon, to be that brave.  I am so sick of this, but I'm finding it near impossible.  I have no willpower, no strength.  I have found a little bit of strength in your story, though, and that is what I will cling to for right now...the faint light at the end of the tunnel.  

[Calzy]

Way to go with your taper and now quiting. I hope some ppl can try your taper plan. My taper plan never worked because there never was a taper plan, either 100's of lortab on hand one day and zero a few days later and w/d's. When you take 3-5 at a time and 20-40 per day for years, than try to take one or two at a time, it  just didnt work for me. It's been months and i know if i took two now that i would not feel a thing from them. You are a strong person Tom to be able to taper down and quit on your own, i would have to have someone dish out the pills for me and it would have to be a big person who could beat my butt because i would want to hurt the person holding out on me. lol  Your taper seems to work because you are only hurting a few hours in the day and lets see if that holds true with stopping all together. Look forward to your next post.

[Tom77843]

Please quit, just do it---- the longer you wait, the worse it will be, I love these pills and just flushed my stash, please try... I need to know that you will try, keep posting here, I will help you, tell you how I did it, what to expect and yes, expect the worse, if it's better than that, good for you.
The beginning is the easiest, then as you progress, you have accomplished something and going on has backing, all you need to do is want it, if you don't, you will fail.
Please reply again and talk to me???

[wannaquit]

I want to quit.  I want to quit.  I want to quit.  I want to quit.  I want to quit.  THIS SUCKS SO BAD!!!

[Tom77843]

If you really want it, just do it. Make a plan, how many are you on, how old are you? How long have you been taking these and what do they do for you?
Tell all, let's see if everybody here can get you off and clean.. A lot of support can be found and if you commit, even to us, this may help you.
What's your name? if you don't mind.

[Tom77843]

You need to want it, just like anything else, ask yourself if you want to quit or not. If not, you never will but you will keep lying to yourself and thinking someday you will. If you do want to quit, things are different and being able to taper is easier than you would think. I am not so strong, I just had enough and want my life back, I don't want to schedule my days around pills anymore, I want to talk to my kids without the influence of drugs, and I don't want them to know I am using. They are getting older, 9 and 12 Girl and boy and soon they will suspect, I can't have that. It's got to end sometime so how about now??? Later may be to late so now is the time.
Quit Now.

[3grlz'mom]

You're good.  You're good.  You're good.  It's ALL good.  It's always, always, always, ALWAYS going to come down to this.  So it's now.  You are getting it over with NOW.   I cannot believe you flushed that stash - I have no idea who you are but I am so proud of you I can't stand it!!!!!!  I have goosebumps!!  You are going to win, Tom.  Every day gets a little brighter.  This will pass. I Promise!  And PLEASE tell Laura.  It is the right thing to do, and she will help you through this.  This isn't you.  This isn't any of us.  We are good people who have love in our lives and deserve it.  This lunacy is from narcotics, and you are ending your nightmare NOW.  Please keep posting as many of us are searching desperately for posts with the nitty gritty and from the heart.   THANK YOU, TOM.  We are with you!

[wannaquit]

My name is Michelle.  I'm 28 years old, married mother of 2.  When I was 19 years old, I got meningitis, thought it was a migraine, so I let it go on for 3 days, and had to be literally carried into the hospital.  The pain in my head was so bad that I couldn't see, and they said I was almost dead.  When EMS brought me in, the first conscious moment I remember was this burn in my arm like it was on fire, and then this wave of complete relief.  After the relief came the euphoria.  For 2 weeks, I was on demural through my IV tube, and when I was discharged, I was given a script for Vicodin.  I took them until my head quit hurting, then put them down and didn't think about them until the next time I had a migraine.  I didn't even really think about the vicodin then, but when my dad found out I had a headache and was going to miss work, he gave me one of his pills that his dr had prescribed for him.  Darvocet N.  He gets 120 pills every 2 months, so he had plenty to spare, because he never used them.  That's when it started.  I didn't do it every day, but any time I would have any kind of pain, I'd help myself to one.  PMS cramps, headaches, stubbed toes, paper cuts, sore throat, you name it, this magic little pill took it all away, and seemed to make my time at work fly by to boot.  I seemed to have extra energy and just feel GOOD.  

My mom and I fought alot, and I found that they also made me feel better after a fight with her.  So I'd take one any time I got really stressed.  This off and on lasted for a year, and then I decided I'd just keep enough on hand so that I could always have one every day.  I'd take it mid morning, and was satisfied.  I knew I couldn't take more than that because my dad would notice, but as it was, I told him that during 7 days of my period, I took 4-5 a day, so he gave me 30 pills every month, and I spread them out one a day for 30 days.  

That went on for years until I found an unlimited supply.  I still was at one a day, but my husband ended up running around and bringing me home a VD.  I was so stressed and depressed, even though I forgave him, and I began to think that if one in the morning gave me more energy and made me feel less stressed, why not one with every meal?  I'd feel no stress all day, have tons of energy, and be able to be supermom, superwife, superworker...Of course any time I'd get sick or get hurt, I'd take extra, but for the most part it was 3 a day. If I got really bad hurt (like a van accident or ski accident) I'd go to the ER, and made sure I got the demural or morphine injection.  That's been about 5 times in the past 4 years.  

Then I had oral surgery last year around this time.  I had serious complications, and was in unbearable pain for weeks.  I couldn't eat solid foods, open my jaws without them popping, I got dry sockets, an infection, you name it, I got it.  Since my body was so used to the pain meds, I had to take two every 4 hours, somtimes it would wear off and I'd have to take a third before the 4 hours was up, so when the pain from the surgery was gone, trying to go back to 3 a day was impossible.

That's where I've been for a year.  Sucking down two at a time 4 - 5 times a day.  Occaisionally on weekends, my husband likes to go out.  I'm not a very social person, so in order to not feel the social anxiety, I've popped as many as 6 pills in a 4 hour span and had a few shots of hard liquor to boot, but I don't care for booze, so that's not very often.  When I'm sober (from the booze) I'm too scared to take more than 3 pills in a 4 hour span.  Kinda stupid, huh?  Mix alcohol with it and I loose my fear of OD.  I guess that's how people accidentally OD??  Impared judgement.

Anyhoo, I have an unlimited supply of these disgusting things, and I've been feeling guilty about this for so long but never really have had the WANT to be done with it.  I do now.  I have this nagging desire to want to walk away from them and never touch them again, but the thought of that is so daunting.  They've been with me for my entire adult life.  They've been my security blanket to help me function in social situations that I wouldn't other wise be able to function in.  They've helped me stay up crazy hours and get the house clean.  They've comforted me through the nasty affair that my husband had, and all the countless verbal beatings that he used to dish out before he straightened up...and now that he's all Mr. Perfect and Mr. Responsible, they've been my crutch that helps me forget how terrible I feel that now I'm the one with the bad temper and I'm the one who can't wake up in the morning to get my daughter off to school and I'm the one who hasn't showered in 2 days and I'm the one who's cheating on him with these blasted pills.

So I tried Saturday (before discovering this site) to just quit cold turkey.  I took 2 Saturday morning, went to church and there I decided that I wouldn't do them anymore.  I went all day Saturday and into the morning Sunday, and the WDs hit, and I found this site where I read you're supposed to taper if you have enough pills to do so.  So Sunday I had one every 4 hours, and yesterday, I had one every 4 hours until last night when my husband and I got in a spat, and I had 2 at a time, and then this morning when I woke up I had a headache from the crying last night, and I took 2 again, and then I had a headache as I was coming off of them and so I took 2 more.  

I want to try to go the rest of the day as long as I can without one, and try again, but when I get angry it's the worst.

Well, is that enough info??  Sorry to be so long, I just started typing and couldn't stop.  Thanks for listening.

[3grlz'mom]

Okay folks, here is a question for you?  Is Tom technically on Day One tomorrow?  To me, it seems like Tom's been uncomfortable for a few days, now, so if we are looking at the average 5 days of misery with Day 3-4 being the worst, shouldn't Tom's detox be further along now than Average Joe who c/t's from taking 6 a day to zero?  Shouldn't Tom consider himself on Day 3 or so?  Start counting the Days from the onset of full w/d pain.  What do you guys think?  Am I splitting hairs?  (Maybe, but when I was on Day 3, and you would have given me Day 4, I'd have emptied my bank account for you.)

[Calzy]

Actually Tom, i did quit taking pain pills about 8 months ago, not because i wanted to or was ready but all the wheels came off at the same time, pharmacy double up which lead to losing some drs and out of money. On top of all that i lost my drive to even want to go look for more pills. After a week with the mother of all w/d's, even with being in the VA hospital a acouple of days,  i started on methadone and stay on 6 mos, got tired of the side effects and c/t from 115 mg of methadone a few mos ago and by the grace of God, i didnt go though much of any w/d's, and have been hanging clean since. If i could do it again, i would want to do some kind of taper, even if it is a short one. You said you want to be clean for your kids, I have two teenagers and twin 12 year olds and i pray to God none of my kids will go thru what i did. It was hard but i told them their dad got sick from taking to much prescribed pain medication, and said it can make you just as sick as someone that gets hooked on street drugs, because i want them to know how bad it can get and if their do have a problem, they can come to me. They already saw their mom and I divorce over this disease.

[Tom77843]

Hi Michelle,
OK so you have a past, so do all of us, we also have bad times and stress and fights and so on, you now have excuses and you are using these excuses very well as we all do. You need to not have any excuses, life without drugs will be just that and you will always have these problems. Now you need to make a plan, do not try to make the rest of any day thinking that this will work, it will not. You need a plan and need to stick to it, the idea is to taper down so you experience as little discomfort as possible, then when you can't taper anymore, in other words when the withdrawals start to happen, then it's time to just flush the pills, you need to get your dad involved so he doesn't give you any more after this. But first things first, you need to want it and need to start now, then you need to do what you say you will do. As I said before, if you are not going to follow through, and you give in, then you will lose, you need to want it, you need to want it, you need to want it. This is the key, nothing else will help, nothing... Do you want it and are you going to do this?

[Tom77843]

I didn't understand, I am glad you are clean.
as far as my kids, we share everything, they can come to me and tell me anything, I now find myself being a hypocrite, you are right, I must tell the whole family and will be ashamed that I have been keeping this a secret more than the fact that I am using. This will make me not what they think I am, they thought we don't keep secrets and never lie to each other... S H I T The mess thickens. I have been telling them all their lives that they can tell me anything and they will now find that I didn't do this... I will come clean tonight, there will be no more ghosts.

[Tom77843]

I am on day 1, this is the first day without drugs in almost three years, I have been in wd's for a couple of days now but this is day 1 as far as I am concerned.
It is now after 5 and the pain is less, this day has been the worst and I still have tonight to go through with telling the family and all. This is day hell.

[wannaquit]

I didn't mean for you to take what I was saying as an excuse.  I'm done with the excuses.  I know what I did was wrong, and that everyone has stress and pain.  You asked for some history, I was just trying to get some stuff off of my chest.  Those excuses are the excuses that I've been feeding myself for 8 years now, and I don't want to believe them anymore.  It's been such a part of me for so long that I'm just having trouble with the long term picture of loosing this part of myself that is actually not a part of me at all, but a separate entity that has been strangling the real me.  I want me back.  I want the life back that I haven't let myself have.  I want to be a normal mom, a normal wife, a normal everything.  I know that I can't be super anything, and I think that's one of the things I'm having the most trouble coming to grips with.  I want to be everything for everybody, but these pills that started out to be the best thing since cheese whiz have recently turned me into an absolute recluse.  I don't want to go out and do anything anymore because it will ruin my high.  I don't want to go to the gym and work out with my husband, don't want to go to the park with my kids, don't want to go to the office, I've been running my husband's office from home, and barely getting the housework done anymore because I'm so darn zoned out all the time.  I blew the whole summer away only went fishing like 3 times the entire season, fought tooth and nail everytime my husband mentioned a camping trip because it sounded like too much work...that's not me.  I'm under all this poison somewhere, and I want to come out.  I'm trying to figure out a way to keep myself accountable as I taper off, because when I'm angry, I DO use that as an excuse because it's what I've done for so long.  Better the devil you know than the devil you don't...know whatimean?  

Oh, and as far as my dad, he is not my source.  I haven't gotten any pills from him in years.  My source is a company, and short from emailing them and telling them not to allow me to buy any more pills, I don't know how I could cut that avenue off.  Them being in it for the money and all, I doubt that they would honor my request if I did start to loose my mind and beg them to sell me more pills.

But that's besides the point.  I just wanted to make it clear that my dad isn't the one giving me unlimited meds.  He had no idea that I ever used the pills for anything other than PMS cramps.  

So, it's down to this.  I've taken 4 pills today so far.  My last pill was at 11:30 am.  It's now 5:00, and physically, I'm 100% fine. Mentally, I'm...well, I'm hangin in there.  So, I will take one at 8pm IF I absolutely feel the w/d kicking in, and then I will wake up in the morning, go to the gym with my husband, work out like crazy, come home around 9am and take my first pill for the day.  I will go to the office with my husband and work to keep my mind off of this.  I will not sit around at home, because that's when it gets really really bad.  I will not take any pills with me.  Whenever I get home from the office, around 1pm, I'll take my second.  I'll take one around 7pm, and let that be the last one for the day.  I know my body will be able to handle it, because I lasted all day Saturday with only the 2 pills that I took early in the morning.  So if I spread three of them out over the course of the day, I should be okay.  I will do that for 2 days, and then on Friday, I will go down to one in the am and one before bed.  I'll do that over the weekend, trying to stay as busy as possible, and then Monday, I will have only one.  By this time next week, I will be ready to flush the remaining pills.  In fact, I wonder does it sound like a good idea to calculate exactly how many I will need to taper and flush the rest?

Thanks again for sharing your story, and for taking the time out to encourage me Tom.  You've been an inspiration.  I wish you all the best with your family.

[3grlz'mom]

Yes, that makes sense.  Day 1 is Day 1.  I guess I meant that technically, some of the w/d's are behind you now, due to how you tapered.  I think you will feel much better after telling the family.  I have a 13 year old and a 9 year old and they are capable of understanding a great deal.  I think it is a super parent who can open up to the child and say, "I made a mistake, and now I'm correcting it.  Adults make mistakes, too."  Tell them you are sorry for keeping it a secret and ask for their forgiveness.  What a great lesson for them!    You will feel the weight of the world off you, and they can support you through the next few days, without having to wonder what on earth is wrong with Dad.

[3grlz'mom]

Just a word of caution, which may or may not be necessary. I cried constantly during w/d's and my husband knew what was going on plus it was my ex's time w/ our girls and most of the time when I was a real emotional wreck, I was alone.  But my dad came over one night, and just looking at him made me cry hysterically , and I explained the whole thing to him, too, which he understood because he takes Norcos, too, for his back.  But at first he looked at me like I was from Mars because those first few days of w/d's I looked like I really came apart at the seams.  I guess just try to get a firm footing when you begin.  Sometimes I think I will frighten my kids if I look too afraid about something.  Put the emphasis on how you're going to recover and be even better.  

[alexandra fox]

Hello Michelle, great reading your story - I know what its like, when you first start to write it, there is so much to come out, the whole picture there in black and white. There is great relief in sharing this burden - I was trying to stop for months and months on my own - foolish pride, didn't want to admit to self or others that I it was a problem. Then I admitted to myself that in fact it was a HUGE problem, and that unbeleivably, I was addicted again. Then I told this forum and an austrlian one - then couple days later I got the overwhelming urge to tell my ex (still friends) and my dearest frined - and that made all the difference. I have become accountable not just to myself, which I could always weasle out of, but to others.

Good luck, good on you, keep posting - after the w/d comes part two of staying off them long term, but thats for later.

Alex

[wannaquit]

I needed to hear that.  Thank you so much.

[Tom77843]

I agree, if you become accountable to others it's harder to cheat yourself or lie to yourself, I just got finished talking to my family, told everything. I feel better, they don't but are supporting me. I just let the kids know that the back pain pills became a problem and now I have to correct this. They all knew that I had medication for my back and even all knew that it was illegal or not prescribed.
My wife, Laura is as understanding as I thought and is supporting me.
O.K. so another part of this nightmare is over, I am moving forward.
I am scared about tomorrow, I flushed all my pills, haven't had any today, and am sure tomorrow will be worse than today was. I went to the drug store and got some sleeping pills but I doubt they will be of much help. I am now very agitated, jumpy and nervous also a bad headache, the craving for a pill is not bad for me at this time, it is now 9:30 PM
This is the end of the line for you ******* pills.

[wannaquit]

"This is the end of the line for you ******** pills."

Amen.  Good for you.

[Tom77843]

Hi Michelle,
I now understand your story, great what you are doing. You need to make this more concrete.. set up a schedule, a do-able schedule and stick to it, this will never work if you are just trying to cut down or keep telling yourself that you are doing better that you were because today I did... and yesterday I did ... you need to have a concrete taper and stick to it. I have tried the non committal method many times, no go, not until I made a commitment and stuck it out no matter what.
I am sorry if I am babbling but I need to here this as much as anybody and going this alone talking to myself on this forum seems to be helping me, I also am hoping it is helping someone else.
As far as your flushing idea, I think it's a good one, this makes this plan concrete, I have always got my pills for free, I have a contact, another story... anyway I ended this relationship and had so many left, this was my major motivation, I had to quit before I ran out to avoid c/t pain. well today I flushed the last of my pills to harden the concrete. If you figure a realistic amount, something you can really do, then sever your contact so you can't get more, flush the excess now what's left, you have to do this thing. That is concrete. do it!!!!
Tom...

[Aura]

I am asking for some input/help with my problem. note that I am new to this site. About a year or so ago, I was tipped at my bar with a percocet....since then Ive been hooked. Ive done everything from oxys, to morphine to hydros...Ive kicked everything but hydros. I cant get past the feeling of having to take atleast 15 mg's a day just to get though the day without feeling like I want to jump out of my skin or get out of bed. I have no health insurance...and the trouble around here is that EVERYONE is on a pill kick...all of my friends...I have no one to turn to...without them wanting to get me high or party with them. I've completely made the decision to get out of the bar scene because it has done nothing but make me want to use even more.

Since I have a very low addiction, I still have a dependency on pain killers... I like the feeling, the ephoria and it makes me motivated and willing to get things done... I feel like If i kick that, i wont be the same outgoing person. someone asked me to go on Colonadine (spelling?) or xanax to help...will this help? or will I just be replacing one drug for another?

I'm reaching out for somekind of feedback, help, anything... can anyone help me?

[Calzy]

Dont feel that you have been lying to your kids. We tell our children certain things at their different ages so they will understand it. You dont start teaching your kid to drive at two. It's up to you if you want to tell them now or later or never, i had to to explain why there are problems between their parents. You children will not think any less of you and will rally to your side to help you if you decide to tell them. Dont put added pressure on yourself right now.

[Tom77843]

First things first, you need to stop hanging with this crowd, you need to completely separate yourself from them as you will have a much harder time getting off the poison if you have relations with this crowd.
You also have a false perception that you are better as a person on drugs, I don't know you but I do know this is not true, no way are you better on drugs and as time goes on, you will notice that what you think now has gone and the drugs will take control, you will no longer feel socially better on drugs. Also you will note that your "low addition" will become something different. The longer you are on the drugs, the worse everything gets Period This is a fact, ask anybody in here. The drugs just keep wanting you to take more for the same feeling and at some time you really can't get that same feeling but you do keep taking more and more.
If you decide to quit NOW it WILL be easier, much easier than down the road. You will need to do this sometime, quit that is, at some point, you will need to quit, you can't do this for the rest of your life, you know this, so why not now? It will be better now than later. Does this make sense?
Set yourself a do-able taper, taper down as low as possible, then stop. It will be hard, but harder the longer you wait. I don't like the idea of replacing one drug with another, I think that you have to set your mind to doing this and get it done...
After you reed this, please give me your reply.
You need to quit sometime!!!

[Tom77843]

I agree with you about the kids, there is a time and place for everything...
I did tell them and understood at that time that they didn't even understand, yes it is to mature for them at this time. My wife doesn't even understand, everybody just went through their normal rituals this morning with some uneasiness toward me, I just had the worst night of my life, this being day 2 for me and I realized that even though I told everyone at home, I am still going this alone.
Laura didn't look at me much and when she was leaving she just came to me, gave me a little kiss and said "good luck" and walked out the door. At first I was hurt, then I thought about it and realized that not only did she have nothing to do with this or would she ever find herself in this mess, but on top of all that, she doesn't even understand what is going on, has no clue what I am facing or feeling... You would think that it would be nice to have support but what really should I expect... what do I think, is she going to stay home and hug me all day and tell me it's going to be all right? What is support? What can she do? NOTHING, and what she did do was all I should have expected, at least she didn't say "you idiot, how come your always in trouble and I never am, how come you keep needing me to support you and I don't ever get in trouble.....
I am not going to take this out on her, I am going to fake it, pretend that everything is fine as I did this morning. I will not show my pain or be agitated with her, there is not much Laura can do for me or anybody for that matter, I got myself into this, it is my fault, I am the fool and I will deal with this myself, I am the only one that can help me and I will do this thing.
These posts, no matter who I address them to are really for me, I need to tell myself the truth and keep telling myself the truth, this is truth. I did the pills because I liked them, not needed them.. I have been around and knew very well what was going to happen, as time went on I knew it was getting worse, I went on anyway and continued to take them, I saw my friends getting into trouble with these and I continued, I hid this from my family and continued, I was dealing these so mine were free and I continued, I read about these and the problems many people were having and even deaths and I continued, I hated myself for doing these pills and I continued.
Now I tell my wife Laura that I have a problem and I expect what? What would I think if she came to me and said that she had been a druggie, it has been three years and she kept it from me???
Now after all this, I am sitting here wanting a pill bad What the ****

[Tom77843]

Here are some observations,
Coffee is a bad idea...
Don't take over the counter sleeping aids as they don't help you sleep and you feel worse in the morning because of the drug.
If you have someone to talk to, it would help, more than likely you wont so doing what I am with this forum is good, I am able to say what is on my mind and don't care what the recipient's care or think since I will never meet any of you. I can say what I want!!!
I can't wait until this is over...

This is to Aura, you need to help yourself... You will find motivation here but it is up to you to help yourself, nobody else can help you, only guide you.

[Calzy]

When you deliver a bomb shell, there is some damage done but nothing that cant be fixed better than new. Your wife is just blind to this and a little scared so do take her out and assure her you are going to be ok. No more bomb shells for awhile. You will have to educate her now on this and maybe a counselor or third party that can best explain the effects of using prescribed pain medication and that it can be difficult to get off. Your wife sounds like a gentle lady. You know how best to ensure her and in turn she will be able to meet your needs.

[Aura]

I absolutely hear you 100%. I see these people who start with Rx pills and turn to heroin because its a cheaper and better high.... I not once have tried it. Honest.  I lost my father and uncle to black tar and now currently another family member who is dealing with the addiction and it is BAD. I've lost contacts with these other people and I know I WANT to stop. I just don't know how. I've read so much about how you "should stop this way" but everyone is different and Im not sure what to go on. Yes, I need a guide.

[Aura]

I absolutely hear you 100%. I see these people who start with Rx pills and turn to heroin because its a cheaper and better high.... I not once have tried it. Honest.  I lost my father and uncle to black tar and now currently another family member who is dealing with the addiction and it is BAD. I've lost contacts with these other people and I know I WANT to stop. I just don't know how. I've read so much about how you "should stop this way" but everyone is different and Im not sure what to go on. Yes, I need a guide.

[Tom77843]

Hi Aura,
The hard part maybe where you are at now, you are just starting to become truthful with yourself.
The rest isn't rocket science, the formula is simple.
The taper is so you experience as little pain as possible through your w/d period, If you go back to the main screen and post with a header, many will be supportive and some have great taper formulas... You need to ask Fladdict for a taper but more important, you need to set this in your mind that you will quit and now is the time. Go and post a topic, even ask for Fladdict in your topic.
My taper worked for me so far and this is worthy of copying but I only have my own experience, some of these people have much more experience than I do and all are here to help you.
The first place for you is to help yourself, get started, no excuses, yes you can do this and you do know where to start, in yourself.

[TimH2]

I read your story and was really inspiring. You should have your wife read some literature regarding w/d's so she will have a better understand of what to expect. You need all the support you can get and the important thing is you are on the way to recovery. It is very hard to get off these pills and I find the mental is the worst for me. I can take the 5-7 days of w/d's, but then I need help to conquer the cravings and depression. Keep up the good work and don't turn back.

How do you like our Red Sox???? woooo hooooo

Tim

[TimH2]

I wanted to share an expression I heard last night that really was apropo in my recovery. I thought you might like it.

"A lotus blossom blooms in the mud"

I have felt like I was in the mud since quiting and now am starting to bloom a bit. :)

[Tom77843]

I am soooo in the mud right now.
I am going for a walk with my dog, he understands and supports me, my wife will not ever understand and will not know how to support me, she will tolerate this though and for this I hate myself even more.

[Dirty]

(80mg -120mg oxy/day to 1/4 suboxone/day)

Day 4: Feel a little more awake, but lower back hurts, no motivation, can't write or play music. Feeling like a piece. Hopefully Radioheads new album will help. The song "All I Need" is taking me away as I write. I wish I could tell everyone about this thing but no one knows, well almost no one. Any tips or suggessions that don't include substances would be great.

Go SOX!!!!

[Calzy]

It sounds like it's time for a hot bath and plug in a movie to get the bad thoughts out of your head which everbody goes though. Sleep or watch something, do whatever to keep the thoughts in check until they pass. This is the hardest part of Phys w/d and IT WILL NOT LAST, so do what you told your wife to do, just push, and that monster will come out of you.

[Tom77843]

I want to thank you for being sooo supportive, I am going to try the hot bath thing..
Funny, I don't have cravings now, just feeel Liiike Craaap, everything hurts and brain in a fog.
I am so glad I flushed, I was so scared about not having an emergency backup but now realize that this is the way, if I had some, I would be tempted... Now I have no choice.
Please keep talking to me, I need this, this is my only output, other than this and you people, I have no one to talk with.

[Calzy]

Glad your gravings past. This is a good place to be when your hurting because most everybody here are in different stages of w/d's. I really need to be looking in the want adds, this g r a p cost me a great 20 year job in sales, right place at the right time type job, now i will do anything, within reason, but it is hard looking when your 53 and have hungry mouths to feed. I lost my job 2 yrs ago and have worked at other companies in same field, but was always to busy with my pills, and now i am running out of options for work. This place helps me deal with the reality of addiction so i dont go over the edge. Anyway, i hope you can stay relaxed, it helps to keep your emotions even right now and stay out of the panic mode...  

[TimH2]

You are beating yourself up way too much. Be proud that you have made this first step and you will succeed. It is so courageous to have flushed those pills. I really could not have done that. You are committed and will make it. We can't change the past and have to look toward the future. I am really trying to keep that in mind. I am like you in some ways and understand your pain. Hang in their my friend and post me anytime. I am on both forums if you need to find me or even the private message.

[Tom77843]

Thanks Tim...
I can't stop beating myself up, I am so depressed and feel so bad about myself. I am at an all time low, I can't remember the last time I cried and now the tears come easy and often.

[farzin]

hey guys
i just want to say that i have been reading all your comments up to now, and man i gotta tell you all that i am very amazed with the way you guys support each other. i know one thing for sure that no one would understand the pain of addiction but those who had or have the pain. i mean i just can't expect anyone to support me because they might not understand what is like to have this pain. however, they do help so when they see the pain itself shining through our physical being. i myself don't want to tell you all that i understand because i don't really know what i'm experiencing.

i had a major back surgery more specifically a lumbar fusion surgery (L5 S1) about 1 year ago. in the beginning i was on oxy then switched it to vicodin. i was on vicodin for 10 month then my pain management doctor prescribe ms contin 30mg twice day for my back pain. i was on that for two weeks. finally two days ago i started having some serious side effect and that was the time i realize i have to stop taking it. now for two days i have been experiencing this withdrawal effect. it is terrible, really terrible. i contacted my doctor about 15 min ago and his assistant told me that this is normal. i told her that because of my back pain i had to take a vicodin this morning. but, i told her that i'm very scared of these narcotic pain medicine. she said to take only 3 vicodin a day.

i don't know guys but i tell you one thing. since my surgery i have never taken these medication for the purpose, other than getting rid of my back pain. just want to ask you guys what is it i can do? ....maaaan my doctor told me that he think i should get some steroid injection into my spine. i just hope that i can get better so i don't have to take any medication. anyway i still have to suffer a couple more days to clear my system from that crazy ms contin. thank you guys for all the support.

[Calzy]

The way you are feeling is why this forum exists because the w/d's are a ride thru h e l l and back and so many ppl give up after a few days. You did everything right with your taper but the body knows when it's missing something and screams for it. The crying is normal and good to get out, just keep taking hot baths and find something to fill your mind. There are alot worse pains the body can feel than w/d that last alot longer than the w/d will so there is light at the end of the tunnel. If you got the oxy from your doctor, that him or her that you decided to quit and you need some clonodine for the withdrawals a.s.a.p. , unless you already take blood pressure medicine.

[TimH2]

You are feeling the effects of w/d's and are at the begining of them. I felt the same way and I promise you it will pass eventually. You sound like a real fighter to me and it will get better. Try to keep as busy as possible and ask your doctor for something to ease the anxiety and depression. You were on a lot of narcs and it will take some time. Please have another talk with your wife and tell her what you are feeling. She will be there for you. I also knew what I was doing when I kept on taking the pills after my pain was gone. I have a addictive personality and this has happened to so many. You are not alone and you are not a bad person. Please stop thinking this way and give yourself a break. Hang in there and you will feel better. Stay on the forum and read posts, vent and if you believe in prayer, now is the time to really pray hard. I would go to a AA/NA meeting and get a sponsor. You can do this!!!!  Your emotions are on a roller coaster ride right now and it is pure hell. I am rooting big time for you Tom.

Tim

[Tom77843]

OK, day 2 is coming to an end and I need to report.
I am amazed that I don't have any cravings, at all, yes I am surprised. I guess this is the end result of a taper gone good.
The bad side is that I feel terrible, I have no ambition, no energy and am as depressed as I have ever been. The real scare is the lack of brain I have, I went to the post office today and didn't even want to talk to them in fear that I would not know what to say, I didn't even want to talk.
I have strong feelings that I will conquer this beast, I don't at this point want any more drugs and do want to feel better.
I have been tapering for some time now and during a taper, all you think about is the drugs... Now going thru w/d's I have had enough.
It is better during the day because I am alone, Laura will be home soon and this will be harder as I don't want to show my true colors and this requires more effort, I just don't have the energy.
My big fear is that I will not sleep again tonight, haven't slept for a while.
I am waiting for anything good, just a small feeling of being better... This keeps me going.

Tim & Calzy,
Thank you for your concern, I haven't a doctor that knows that I am addicted, don't want to go and explain, don't want more drugs, a couple of more days and I will be feeling better.. I can hang until then, I am strong. I am going to check into NA and see if this is something for me.
Please keep reading and posting back, you guys are great friends in my time of need.

You both seem to be doing sooo well, you must be very proud of yourselves and now you hang here and help others, way to go... my hat's off to you both.
Tom...

[farzin]

i just want to tell you guys what i'm experiencing. if you could just tell me whether these are normal or not. today is the second day that i'm not taking any ms contin. and here are my symptoms: Anxiety, depression, hot and cold flashes, loss of appetite, runny nose, sweating, tearing, lack of energy, can't sleep, sneezing, weakness, and severe diarrhea (i mean i just feel like i'm not digesting anything, sorry to tell you guys but it's almost colorless) i haven't eaten anything since last night except an ice cream which is really weird because it made me even colder. i mean it's 80 degree here in the house an i'm really cold. the good thing is that i absolutely have no craving for ms contin because it made me sick and that is why i stopped taking it. anyway there is no way back for me. just someone please tell me when these things will go away? by the way because of my extreme back pain i had to take something so i took one vicodin this morning and if i have to i'm gonna take another one at night. please advise me guys if there is anything i can do to make this process easier.  

[Tom77843]

You have classic w/d symptoms, In my opinion you should just keep off the drugs, all of them.
I am no doctor but from my experience you don't need to have cravings to experience w/d.
The secret to being drug free is by not taking any drugs, you are 2 day in, you should keep going. The sickness may be with you for a week, maybe not.

Hope you get off the drugs.

You should post at the top in the main forum, you will be seen there and get a lot of support. You will not be seen here at the bottom of my post.

Good luck, Tom...

[Tom77843]

Day 3 is here,
I feel better and got some sleep last night.
I woke up realizing how fortunate I am. I am glad I am getting off the drugs, I truly don;t even want one now, withdrawals are minimal, no cravings... Biggest thing is the head thing, it's like I have been sick for some time and my brain is turned off.
I can't tell you how good it feels that I am doing something about this and how convinced I am that I will succeed.
I just reread the past posts here, thank you all for your support and I hope you all don't think I am too crazy, lately I have been feeling a bit crazy but normally I am pretty level... Believe it or not..
Tom...

[Calzy]

The two things that seem to linger for me is the lack of energy for months, as you rebuild your body back up and emtional feelings that keep trying to pull you back. You were pretty touch and go yesterday, i think you see why some ppl say to get rid of your pills or you might of given up. Glad your sticking to it.

[TimH2]

Congrats on day 3!!!!  You have the right mindset and will succeed. I left a post for you on the other forum. Tom, we are all a little crazy :).  I was crazy to get myself into this mess to begin with. The head trip is the worst and it is the hardest part of the fight. Keep it up my friend.

Tim

Go Red Sox!!!!!

[victoria1667]

Tom, you are an inspiration to me and have posted exactly what I need to know at this time in my addiction to methadone.  I love reading your posts, as well as, TimH2.  I wish you both would consider building and maintaining a public blog/website.  You are helping thousands, maybe millions of people with your experiences and knowledge. U both are real, down to earth, brutally honest guys with your ego's in check. I find myself jealous of your spouses!  I have a crush on u both!   Keep up the great work!

[Tom77843]

Well, just what I have been waiting for, a huge smile is now on my face..... THANK YOU for that.
The intent of this post was just for this, when I was just getting started I looked for such a post, a day by day and decided to just make one myself.
TimH2 has become one of those friends you wake up hoping to hear from everyday for me, I will never meet him but love him just the same... Thanks to Calzy and wannaquit also, I love you both for your support, and to everybody else of course.

God today is soooo much better for me, I have been letting go with Laura more and more, she is the best, just called me and asked me for a date, tomorrow for lunch, maybe I'll get lucky???
We have been together for 18 years now and I still get excited, good stuff.
Laura doesn't understand, never will or could as far as I'm concerned but supports me, never got mad...
Can you imagine your spouse coming to you, been together for 18 years, and telling you that he/she has been seriously addicted to a HARD drug for 3 years and you never knew??? That means that the last three years have been a lie, all we did together, all that was said was a lie because she didn't know I was high at those times, What a lie, I would be pissed, real pissed if Laura pulled this on me, what road would this have taken me in the roles were reversed??
Laura has been, well, Laura. Laura is always up... Positive... Pleasant and beautiful, gorgeous.. What does she see in me????? God I love you Laura---------------

I haven't gone into much detail with my kids, I say they are to young, maybe an excuse, maybe not but they have the general gist of it and do as children do, block the bad stuff so nothing is said, I have always thought I would tell them about drugs, I being a classic 1960-1980 sex drug rock and roll kind of guy (back then, not now) I have seen it all, been there, done that and someday when the time is right, I will have a lot to say about that.

The future is so bright now, so bleak when you know you are in trouble, on the drugs and thinking you will never quit, how can you? I can't.. I can't stop omg I can't stop... But then you decide that you want this NO MORE and stopping isn't to bad, way easier than I thought.
I know I am not out of the jungle yet but I do know that I will never go back into this jungle.. That is for sure... NEVER!!!!

Laura is proud of me?? Can you imagine this?? But she is, she said so and if Laura says something, she means it, no bull with her. Now I am very proud of myself, If you have been keeping up with this post you will remember the other day I said, how can she support me? what is support anyway?? Well, now I know, it's just someone that believes in you, especially strong when you don't understand why this person would, happens alot around here I suppose, seems I have people here that believe in me and I never ever met them and never will, on the other hand I am finding that I also have been giving this kind of strength to others in need, at least I hope I am...

I am so looking forward to day 4... As the days go by, it just feels better, making distance between you and the devil... One day closer to being able to say... D A M N I did it, I was so sure I couldn't and I did... It wasnt even all that hard, Just needed to want it bad enough

Just needed to want it bad enough

Just needed to want it bad enough

Can't say this to many times, if there is one message to give folks here, one answer, one bit of information to get over the top, this is it...

YOU NEED TO WANT IT

[Aura]

thank you for your support. Right now it feels good to be truthful.. I am young but, I can't keep using my past or age as an excuse...It's better to get out of the rut now while I am young than wait til im in too deep. thank you =]

[wannaquit]

It's great to see you **** so well.  You really are inspiring.  I hope to be where you are very soon, even as tough as things are for you right now.  I'm sticking to my taper schedule, but having a terrible day emotionally. Just terrible.  But I'll get through this.  I can't tell you how inspiring it is to read your comments.  Day 4 is almost here.  Hope it gets easier and easier for you.

[wannaquit]

wow, i have no clue why the **** is there in my first line in my last post.  I thought I said it's great to see you doing so well, but maybe I had a terrible typo???

[Aura]

whats a good tapering schedule for someone who is on 15-20 mg a day... it doesnt seem like a lot but I've stepped down from atleast 60-80mg a day....it's the home stretch that is getting difficult... the only part I'm getting stuck on is how much time and how much I should be stepping down each day without overdoing it or under-doing it for lack of better words.

[Tom77843]

A taper is a very personal thing as far as I am concerned, If I were you, I would see what I could take without getting high, you can never get high again if you are serious, This should be much less than you are taking now, you need to be honest, you are quitting so what is the least amount now and still be comfortable? All you want now is to be at ease, minimal cravings. Let me know what this amount is and we will work from there.
At this point, be easy on yourself, know that you are going to do this and be easy, this is not a race, you have been on these for some time now, don't rush getting off and get discouraged.
Figure what you need to be OK and let me know.

[Tom77843]

Thanks for your support, please use my email if you are having a bad time, I am always here and will be glad to talk.
Keep up the taper, you are on the right road, I am feeling great tonight and it's not even day 4 for me, isn't this something great to look forward too???
I am not any different than you, I am here, almost day 4, you can too, you just gota want it bad, that's all.

[Calzy]

I just wanted to say good luck on another day of recovery and start puttig the distance from your physical addiction. You sound like me when you say there's no turning back now. Got to go, i am having to leave the place i was using the computer. It was a company that would pay me cash once in awhile for selling some concrete parking lot repairs., They are closing the doors this weekend, and i dont think they can even pay me, oh well have a good day and i not sure want i can check back.

[Tom77843]

Thanks for your post Calzy, seems as these threads go on they loose there attraction. As I have said before, I am doing this for myself as well as others, keeping this post up to date that is.
Anyhow, yes it's another fine day (actually it's raining and dreary) but for me it's a fine day. Day 4 to be precise. Yes, day 4, this is supposed to be some kind of hump day so I read, all could not be much better for me, sleep is returning just fine and my brain is coming back, I am still tired most of the time, not bad and I am not complaining as this seems to be my only setback so far today, just tired, still no cravings, yes I do wish I could have a pill sometimes but and this is hard to explain, I don't want a pill at the same time, I don't think about pills all the time as I thought I would, seems as if I am just going forward, a new phase in my life, just moving forward.
I now have no doubts that the pills are at an end for me, I would and could never do that again, that phase is over, same as when I stopped smoking pot many years ago, I just stopped after smoking for 20 some odd years, (high ALL the time) one fine day and never looked back, never smoked again. I also don't drink but do smoke cigarettes, this is next for me and I will also kick this one out of my life... I will then be a very boring and clean person.
I hope somebody will follow in these steps as it is much easier than you would think, at least for me it was easier that I thought, actually I thought I would be doing those pills till they killed me. I was high all the time for almost 3 years and the thought of quitting seemed impossible, well you all know the feeling. The feeling you need to know is this one, no more pills for me, feels great.

[1234betterlife]

tom, i just want to let you know that i went cold turkey from 240mg a day and i am alive and well to talk about it. it is the hardest thing i have ever done. i know you can do this buddy, if anyone can flush there doc down the toilet they have big kahunas. i could have never done that. it shows you really want to do it. i would have eaten them and then started. anyway i pray the best for you. it can be done. you will feel so much better.

[wannaquit]

Once again, it's great to hear that you're staying strong.  Today is a much better day than yesterday for me, too.  My body is adjusting to having fewer pills, and I feel pretty level.  My morning dose still makes me feel a little buzz for some reason, but it doesn't last long and is very minimal, and through the rest of the day I feel normal...or at least closer to normal than I've felt in a very long time.  I'm able to wait until 3-4 hours after I wake up to take the first dose, which is a huge step for me, because for so long, my first morning action was to pop a pill before my feet even hit the floor.  Breaking that habit feels like an accomplishment, and it gives me even more confidence that I can and will do this.  I don't feel rushed anymore, trying to take the advice I've been given that it's not a race and I probably will have a better success rate with a slow taper, so I'm not as anxious as before.

Today has also been a big milestone for me, because yesterday I rode my motorcycle for about an hour, and my neck and upper back HURT so bad because my muscles aren't used to supporting that helmet and I was doing alot of turns in the parking lot, so I was really turning my head.  Anyway, any other day before this if I was in this much pain, I'd be popping 2-3 at a time to get past relief into high and feel no pain.  I've lived with the pain all day, and it's annoying as he11, but I've been good.  I hate pain, but I'm to the point where I finally hate the stronghold that these pills have worse, and at least I know that the pain will pass.  The pills, if I were to continue to take them, would NOT.  So, I guess it's a mindset...

Anyhoo, great to see you still fighting, and it's encouraging to see that you're starting to feel like yourself again.

Michelle

[Tom77843]

Hi Michelle,
I am so glad you are going up against this full bore.
Just a suggestion, something I found that worked for me and sounds as if you are starting to do this.
Try to change your patterns some, for me the morning dose was always the highest as I loved the morning buzz the best, what a way to start your day. Anyhow, what I did was try to change things like this, things that I always did the same with the pills, like you, I started to hold out in the morning as long as I could, just to throw my mind off, trick it a little, or maybe just showing it who was boss, I ended up with not needing any till noon towards the end of the taper.
Do this with other things, like if you were going somewhere and you liked to have a little buzz before, don't do any now..,. What I am saying is try to change your patterns now and later it will be a snap when you finally go c/t. I find this very important and the difference between a pos or a neg end result. This is also very important, all the time you GOT to keep telling yourself that you are quitting so every discomfort you feel from your taper can not be rectified with pills, yes this is not magic, you will want the buzz and the comfort the pills give you but if you are truly quitting then you might as well get used to not having these b a s t a r d s to see you through these times of difficulty and there will be these times, the taper will only be so comfortable as time goes buy, as you taper less these things at times will be stronger until you adjust to the new dose, only a day or so.... Give your first taper some time to set, like a week.
As a matter of that, give me what you intend to do, what is your plan, let me see if I can assist you with the fine tuning.
I mastered the taper, tried several times, documented what I did and what went wrong, tried again and again. I now have it to a science and experienced little pain, little discomfort, and I now still have NO cravings and minimal w/d's.
Keep it up and you will find yourself on the other side.
Tom...

[wannaquit]

I'll post what I'm planning on doing probably late tomorrow.  My husband and I are going out...this is the time that I would usually "pill up", take 2, stuff about 6 in my pocket to take during the course of the night and probably even have a few shots of liquor or a few glasses of wine to enhance the buzz.  All to go see a movie or go to dinner with friends...stupid, huh?  

Well I'm not touching the booze, and I'm leaving the pills at home.

Then tomorrow we're going out to our sailboat to spend the day sailing.  I'm only bringing two for the day so that I have no choice. So...i'll be back some time tomorrow or Sunday.

I totally understand what you're saying about changing up the habits.  Some mornings I would set my alarm clock 30 minutes before time to get up, keep the pills by the bed with a shot of water and when the alarm would go off, I'd pop them, go back to sleep until the real get up time so I'd wake up feeling that morning buzz.  So to go hours after waking up before taking them is a huge break in routine.  This will be my first sober Friday night in Idunno how long.

It kinda feels good to not be feelin so "good".  ha.  If that makes any da*mn sense at all.

[Tom77843]

Day 5 has come and gone, I feel great. I am having sleeping problems and I am drained of energy but I can't complain as these are the only symptoms I am having, I do think about how nice it would be to be high every once and a while but no real cravings.
I spent the day with my family and even commented to Laura how nice it was to be spending the day with her, the kids and the autumn foliage and doing this straight.... enjoying it immensely

I am a born again Tom...
Post again tomorrow, as the never ending saga continues

[Aura]

Its actually strange that you note "How much can you take without getting high"...If I were to have taken a 10 i would have felt it.... the day after i posted that response to you I have only taken one 5mg in those 3 days... just today I actually felt kinda crappy. I can't sit down for more than 20 minutes without trying to keep myself busy with something to do. All throughout work I was fine...Thats why I think it has been so easy the past few days or so...I've kept myself busy with work and reading when I had spare time until bedtime. I am happy that you have come through to day 5.

I've heard that sleeping problems is one of the main things that people can't quite tolerate, however, I know of people who have had it much worse, you , Tom, seem to be doing quite well.  I read your last post about how you are the "born again Tom". I was actually speaking with a very good friend of 20 years, yesterday. She had done the whole NA thing for cocaine and has been 3 years clean. She said to me "Aura, once you're clean, you'll be the girl I knew...Things will be much more clear and life won't be so depressing, we got hooked as highschool kids just trying to numb ourselves since we have been through so much more than other kids our age....We can't make excuses anymore. Somehow I think we've both lost ourselves...and its hard to get back what we had before then...but we will, even though we have a long way to go..."

It just makes me think about how hard things can be and we all need someone there for us. As an outsider looking in and also being apart of this hard struggle, it makes things a little easier if you have someone to confide in... It's good to see that you can appreciate your surroundings straight.... I see that you're giving everyone else advise and trying to help yourself as well..I think you should give yourself a lot of credit... Any of us trying to do this and sticking to it, deserves credit...Like my friend said, its a long hard road, but we WILL do it... we all can if the will is there and if it's what we really want for ourselves.... to all... good luck and keep your heads up...