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OxyCotin, Xanax Bars, Percocets and Lortabs... Etc..
I'll cut to the chase, considering it's 2k chars max.
My name is J.D., I just turned 18 4/10. I've had a major problem with narcotics since I was early 15. I started with BlueBombers, or Watson 10's. Which led to experimentation with every narcotic known to man. I've seen it all in three years, taken it all, had a Lortab tolerance elevate to a OxyCotin tolerance, AND BACK. I've had Methadone (pill and liquid), everything... Patches, all of it. Well... I'm dying, and I'm only 18 years old. I feel like I'm dying inside and out. People tell me they would let me into bars without even thinking of carding me. The pills have aged me. My father is seriously addicted, also. But there's about no hope for him. So that's how I started, stealing led to buying, which led back to stealing and buying... Vicious cycle, eh? I fight for the energy to do everyday things... Everyday. The days without the pills are the worst, I'm a limping zombie. I've quit twice in the past three years, once for three months and once for a month. The three months was back awhile ago, when I OD'd on a 100mg Fentanyl patch, which ended my addiction for the time being. A week afterwards, I thought I was going to die due to shortness of breath. I had worn the patch for a day and a half, then drank the rest ontop of four "BlueBombers" and a couple shots of whiskey. This being my first introduction to Morphine. I'm going to continue posting due to character limits.
My name is J.D., I just turned 18 4/10. I've had a major problem with narcotics since I was early 15. I started with BlueBombers, or Watson 10's. Which led to experimentation with every narcotic known to man. I've seen it all in three years, taken it all, had a Lortab tolerance elevate to a OxyCotin tolerance, AND BACK. I've had Methadone (pill and liquid), everything... Patches, all of it. Well... I'm dying, and I'm only 18 years old. I feel like I'm dying inside and out. People tell me they would let me into bars without even thinking of carding me. The pills have aged me. My father is seriously addicted, also. But there's about no hope for him. So that's how I started, stealing led to buying, which led back to stealing and buying... Vicious cycle, eh? I fight for the energy to do everyday things... Everyday. The days without the pills are the worst, I'm a limping zombie. I've quit twice in the past three years, once for three months and once for a month. The three months was back awhile ago, when I OD'd on a 100mg Fentanyl patch, which ended my addiction for the time being. A week afterwards, I thought I was going to die due to shortness of breath. I had worn the patch for a day and a half, then drank the rest ontop of four "BlueBombers" and a couple shots of whiskey. This being my first introduction to Morphine. I'm going to continue posting due to character limits.
Anyway, after those three months I was fine. I don't know and cant remember why I started again. But I did. And continued taking any type of narcotic pill/liquid I could get ahold of, my favorite being Hydro syrup. Although I rarely got ahold of it, I was on "cloud 9" everytime I did. But, my addiction rests solely in hydrocodone. All the rest being substitutes, even OC's. I couldn't see myself getting addicted to OC's, or anything but vicodin, for that matter. I don't know why, but I love the euphoria of hydrocodone. Obviously, given my age, pain isn't hardly even there aside from some minor back aches.
Anyway, after I started up I continued taking them for another two years or so until I quit again for about a month. The most miserable month of my life. I had even went to my physician and faked suicidal thoughts to get some xanax and anti-depressants. I was severly depressed, even to the point of having very, very vivid dreams of the world coming to an end. I can still see it in my head. I've been taking about 7-8 Norco 10's a day, lately. Considering that's what everybody around me is getting prescribed. And the days I don't have them, I'm deemed miserable and useless. Fighting for the energy to move, fighting through work, fighting through everyday routines. It's ludacris, I can't take it anymore. I thought dubbing myself bed-ridden for a week would help, but I just become severly depressed sitting in bed all day. I can't sleep, can't think straight, I don't know what to do. I've considered the methadone clinics, but because I've had liquid methadone before, I know that that's even worse than the opiates. I always thought I had the strength to quit, you know? Everytime I ran out of pills I would think "Oh well, I have to quit anyway." But then the pills would find me, somehow. I'm absolutely miserable, and don't know what to do. At such an early stage in life... I have to have pills to make me feel... "Normal". I'm seeking help, before I seek professional help. I'm going to attempt to do this again myself and hopefully succeed for good this time.
Anyway, after I started up I continued taking them for another two years or so until I quit again for about a month. The most miserable month of my life. I had even went to my physician and faked suicidal thoughts to get some xanax and anti-depressants. I was severly depressed, even to the point of having very, very vivid dreams of the world coming to an end. I can still see it in my head. I've been taking about 7-8 Norco 10's a day, lately. Considering that's what everybody around me is getting prescribed. And the days I don't have them, I'm deemed miserable and useless. Fighting for the energy to move, fighting through work, fighting through everyday routines. It's ludacris, I can't take it anymore. I thought dubbing myself bed-ridden for a week would help, but I just become severly depressed sitting in bed all day. I can't sleep, can't think straight, I don't know what to do. I've considered the methadone clinics, but because I've had liquid methadone before, I know that that's even worse than the opiates. I always thought I had the strength to quit, you know? Everytime I ran out of pills I would think "Oh well, I have to quit anyway." But then the pills would find me, somehow. I'm absolutely miserable, and don't know what to do. At such an early stage in life... I have to have pills to make me feel... "Normal". I'm seeking help, before I seek professional help. I'm going to attempt to do this again myself and hopefully succeed for good this time.
Luckily, nothing but vicodin holds me down, it's the only addiction I have. Even after going through 60 Percocets this past couple weeks, I just got sick of them and kept craving the hydrocodone. So I had sold them to buy Vicodins.
Not to even bring money into the issue, this addiction is destroying my life, at a fast rate. Not to mention all the OTHER problems I'm having, aside from this addiction. Some people don't even know about it, like my mother. Well, I imagine she knows, but she doesn't -want- to know.
Anyway, I've ingested just about any type of narcotic pain reliever you could find in a bottle. Not to mention the muscle relaxers, xanax, soma... klonopin... etc.. Still, nothing's got a hold on me like hydrocodone. I even got sick of the OC's after awhile and went back to craving the vicodin.
My internals feel burned, scarred from the tylenol, my stomach feels as if it's got holes all inside it. I'm so easily irritated, short-tempered and hateful. If I had to sum it up in one word, the only word I could begin to use would be: Empty. I feel completely empty of everything. Barren, wasted...
Oh, and this addiction is ontop of drinking heavily for the past couple months on cheap vodka, smoking cigarettes AND dope. And I mean smoking dope heavily, some of you would probably pass out given the amount of smoke I've inhaled in one sitting. And it doesn't even hardly get me high anymore, any of it... The alcohol isn't as fulfilling as it first was, not to mention the pills and dope.
Not to even bring money into the issue, this addiction is destroying my life, at a fast rate. Not to mention all the OTHER problems I'm having, aside from this addiction. Some people don't even know about it, like my mother. Well, I imagine she knows, but she doesn't -want- to know.
Anyway, I've ingested just about any type of narcotic pain reliever you could find in a bottle. Not to mention the muscle relaxers, xanax, soma... klonopin... etc.. Still, nothing's got a hold on me like hydrocodone. I even got sick of the OC's after awhile and went back to craving the vicodin.
My internals feel burned, scarred from the tylenol, my stomach feels as if it's got holes all inside it. I'm so easily irritated, short-tempered and hateful. If I had to sum it up in one word, the only word I could begin to use would be: Empty. I feel completely empty of everything. Barren, wasted...
Oh, and this addiction is ontop of drinking heavily for the past couple months on cheap vodka, smoking cigarettes AND dope. And I mean smoking dope heavily, some of you would probably pass out given the amount of smoke I've inhaled in one sitting. And it doesn't even hardly get me high anymore, any of it... The alcohol isn't as fulfilling as it first was, not to mention the pills and dope.
I don't know what to do, my body goes into shock everytime I cut myself off, or money cuts me off. I follow people with pills around, like... sort of kiss their ass, just to get off on vicodin. It's crazy. I still believe I have the strength in me to quit on my own, but it's so very hard. I have a very supportive girlfriend, too. Which helps more than you would probably think, although at times everyone around you can get to be the most irritating people in the world. I'm about half asleep as I write this, half drunk and high on vicodin, so excuse my grammer/punctuation (I really can do better). Luckily, not stoned or I probably wouldn't even be doing this. I want to quit, so bad, so very bad. I wish that I had no withdrawal, at all.... I would stop, everything, cold turkey. It's not the high I crave anymore, it hasn't been for what seems like an enternity. It's.... Normalness. I'm not normal without the drugs and even alcohol lately. Even the alcohol consumption is at a peak... A quarter gallon to a half gallon of cheap vodka a night. Depending on whether or not I have "friends" over. Yet somehow, I still manage to fool the majority of people into believing I have no problems at all.
This is, by far, one of the most complex obstacles of my life. My insides burn so bad. I can't believe I'm typing this, even on this site, but I feel I have to let someone know what's going on with me, aside from my girlfriend, y'know... She can only go so far beyond the point of just dealing with it. I don't abuse her or anything, we actually have quite a good relationship, and she's not addicted to the narcotics.
Anyway, as you can probably tell by now, ANY advice/help/support will be GREATLY appreciated.
JD
This is, by far, one of the most complex obstacles of my life. My insides burn so bad. I can't believe I'm typing this, even on this site, but I feel I have to let someone know what's going on with me, aside from my girlfriend, y'know... She can only go so far beyond the point of just dealing with it. I don't abuse her or anything, we actually have quite a good relationship, and she's not addicted to the narcotics.
Anyway, as you can probably tell by now, ANY advice/help/support will be GREATLY appreciated.
JD
JD,
I know how hard it is to get through an addiction. Have you seen a Psychiatrist for this problem you're having? I know withdrawals suck! I am addicted to Percocet and I'm thinking about admitting addiction to my Psychiatrist. I see a Psychiatrist because of marriage problems and depression but I haven't told him about me and the Percocets yet. I've heard of a drug called Suboxone that helps you get through the withdrawals. I'm considering getting some. I just posted a message last night about Suboxone because I really don't know that much about it. I haven't even checke dyet to see how the responses look. Please scroll down until you find a post from 101 Dalmatians and check what others had to say. You're not literally dying are you? I wish you only the best and please keep in touch!
I know how hard it is to get through an addiction. Have you seen a Psychiatrist for this problem you're having? I know withdrawals suck! I am addicted to Percocet and I'm thinking about admitting addiction to my Psychiatrist. I see a Psychiatrist because of marriage problems and depression but I haven't told him about me and the Percocets yet. I've heard of a drug called Suboxone that helps you get through the withdrawals. I'm considering getting some. I just posted a message last night about Suboxone because I really don't know that much about it. I haven't even checke dyet to see how the responses look. Please scroll down until you find a post from 101 Dalmatians and check what others had to say. You're not literally dying are you? I wish you only the best and please keep in touch!
on page 5 there is a thread called methadone detox where suboxone is discussed and the pros and cons listed. This may be a good idea for you after hearing all you've been through and where u think your headed. Please read as it will really clear up both sides of the issue. If you have any other questions about it, I'll be glad to answer if I can or send you to the right person to answer. Good luck, JD and you will get through this!! Take a deep breath, try and relax a little and develop a plan that will work for you. There are some options out there that will give you the desired results. You will be in my thoughts and I look forward to hearing how you are doing/feeling.
Sincerely,
M
Sincerely,
M
Welcome to the site. You are not alone.
Thank you for being so candid about your situation. It was like reading my own diary. I relate 110%.
I especially hear the desperation in your words, and I know your pain. The disease of addiciton has robbed you of so much, and I am so sorry.
My first thought when I read how much you've tortured your body was, "he's not going to last much longer if he keeps this up". But I'll share something with you: You're young, and you could go on and on for many years to come doing the exact same thing, but with worse and worse consequences, including living on the streets, prostitution, and prison. Trust me; this is a reality for you. You may even get to the point where death would be a welcome relief to the hell you are going through, but you'll keep on living. I'm not trying to scare you, I just want you to fully grasp the long-term consequences of the path you are on.
You sound like an intelligent young adult who has a lot to offer the world. Your addiciton, though, has robbed you of any opportunity to be the person you were meant to be. But if you're willing to step out of the ring with addiction and offer yourself to the recovery process, you may just have a chance. Posting here on this site is a step in the right direction, but there's more work ahead if you really want to clean up.
I want to say something else to help get you on the right track, but the only thing that comes to mind right now is how much you'd benefit from in-patient rehab where you'll have a lot of support. There are many options, even if you don't have the money.
Is it possible to set aside some time with your mother (I'm sure she knows more than you think) and girlfriend, and any other trusted friend/family members to ask for help and share that you are ready and willing (if you are) to get clean? Perhaps they can do the footwork to getting you into rehab. Look in the yellow pages under addiciton and see what resources there are in your community. Heck--schedule your own intervention with an addiction counselor and your mom and girlfriend!
Or at the very least, find an NA meeting, go and just listen, and open your heart to finding an answer there. It's worth a try considering the shape you're in, hon. Many people find the help they need in those rooms. What have you got to lose?
Just some ideas....
Are you ready to stop?
Let us know when you are and we'll support you the best way we can. You are not alone.
--Athena
PS. I'm Day #11, c/t from a smorgasboard of painkillers and benzos (and alcohol).
Thank you for being so candid about your situation. It was like reading my own diary. I relate 110%.
I especially hear the desperation in your words, and I know your pain. The disease of addiciton has robbed you of so much, and I am so sorry.
My first thought when I read how much you've tortured your body was, "he's not going to last much longer if he keeps this up". But I'll share something with you: You're young, and you could go on and on for many years to come doing the exact same thing, but with worse and worse consequences, including living on the streets, prostitution, and prison. Trust me; this is a reality for you. You may even get to the point where death would be a welcome relief to the hell you are going through, but you'll keep on living. I'm not trying to scare you, I just want you to fully grasp the long-term consequences of the path you are on.
You sound like an intelligent young adult who has a lot to offer the world. Your addiciton, though, has robbed you of any opportunity to be the person you were meant to be. But if you're willing to step out of the ring with addiction and offer yourself to the recovery process, you may just have a chance. Posting here on this site is a step in the right direction, but there's more work ahead if you really want to clean up.
I want to say something else to help get you on the right track, but the only thing that comes to mind right now is how much you'd benefit from in-patient rehab where you'll have a lot of support. There are many options, even if you don't have the money.
Is it possible to set aside some time with your mother (I'm sure she knows more than you think) and girlfriend, and any other trusted friend/family members to ask for help and share that you are ready and willing (if you are) to get clean? Perhaps they can do the footwork to getting you into rehab. Look in the yellow pages under addiciton and see what resources there are in your community. Heck--schedule your own intervention with an addiction counselor and your mom and girlfriend!
Or at the very least, find an NA meeting, go and just listen, and open your heart to finding an answer there. It's worth a try considering the shape you're in, hon. Many people find the help they need in those rooms. What have you got to lose?
Just some ideas....
Are you ready to stop?
Let us know when you are and we'll support you the best way we can. You are not alone.
--Athena
PS. I'm Day #11, c/t from a smorgasboard of painkillers and benzos (and alcohol).
Hi and welcome. I think that you have the strenght and the resolve to quit once and for all. It will be a difficult process but I know you can do it. You are so young and you have your whole life ahead of you. Take one little step at a time and you will get there. Dig down deep and pull out every ounce of strength you have and you will be surprised at what you can accomplish. Post often and get support from those of us here. Also, you might think that those around you don't know what's going on but I think you would be surprised at what they know. We always seem to think we are fooling everyone. Hang in there hon and you can get through this. Take care and post often.
Peete
Peete
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