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Oxycotin relapse (sort of)...again

OK I am going to be honest....I filled my script and did them. I didn't want to tell anyone that because I know how most of you are going to react. I have been out for a couple of days and I am not going through much of a detox. I am however so sad at what I am doing to myself. I hope you guys don't give up on me because you think I will just fill my next script when it is due. In my heart I know this is killing me. I just don't know what to do anymore. The only time that I am happy is when I chew a couple of oxy's. If I am not high then I am not interested in anything. I don't understand why this is happening. Will I ever be able to lead a productive life without pills? It is not fair to both my girlfriend (who used also)and I to keep doing this to ourselves. I mean we went through 50 pills in 7 days. Then the same thing happens....where do we get more, how much should we spend. I am so damm sick of the cycle. How do you break it? I am tired of counting the days till my next refill. I hope someone has some words of encouragement as we are at our witts end. I feel like such a jerk for comming to you guys for help. After all I knew in the back of my mind that I was going to fill that last script. I hope you all will realize that I trully want to quit for good. I am tired of waking up in the middle of the night feeling so empty. PLEASE HELP!!!
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Avatar universal
Sorry, But I don't know where to get advice.

I have chronic lower back pain that is inoperatable
due to degenenerative disc disease.

I currently take 16 5mg methadone pills a day (80mg a day).

They do not have Oxycotin in the country where I live.

Is there a pharmacology person who could tell me if it would be worthwhile trying to get my pain management specialist to try to get some in, or am I better off on methadone as I'm still in a fair bit of pain which affect my quality of life, relationship with wife and family,job,etc. My pain Dr. is an anesthesiologist in New Zealand and has never heard of oxycotin as had I till I read about it in Time magazine. It's for cronic pain but all they talked about was the abuse side. I'm interested in it for over 35 years of chronic pain. Any knowlegable replys appreciated. Thanks

Okay regected, where would I try.....
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Avatar universal
Sorry, But I don't know where to get advice.

I have chronic lower back pain that is inoperatable
due to degenenerative disc disease.

I currently take 16 5mg methadone pills a day (80mg a day).

They do not have Oxycotin in the country where I live.

Is there a pharmacology person who could tell me if it would be worthwhile trying to get my pain management specialist to try to get some in, or am I better off on methadone as I'm still in a fair bit of pain which affect my quality of life, relationship with wife and family,job,etc. My pain Dr. is an anesthesiologist in New Zealand and has never heard of oxycotin as had I till I read about it in Time magazine. It's for cronic pain but all they talked about was the abuse side. I'm interested in it for over 35 years of chronic pain. Any knowlegable replys appreciated. Thanks
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Avatar universal
Thanks for writing and your encouragement.  If you don;t mind, Im curious about the penalties you said you paid - particluarly jail.  Im about to be sentenced and wondered how bad it had to be to get jail time.  Im hoping and praying for probation - I canot imagine life without my family.  Hope you have something to say that eases my mind...  Thanks again for writing and your honest comments.  Good luck to you.  (By the way - just one scrip for Oxies isnt going to be too bad to get away from - I think you 'caught' it in time this time around...DONT DO MORE!!b)
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Avatar universal

Thanks for being honest! That's always the first step. I have no idea if I will ever want to give up the Klonopin and Ultram. Even though it is for a legitimate seizure disorder I still like the effect I get.

I used to drink really heavy for years until the DT's and seizures kept kicking my ass. I gave that up. I am six months sober and with the other treatment I don't even crave alcohol. I can't even stand the thought of it anymore. But I am still an addict. Take away the 8 mg's of Klonopin and I'd be DEAD DUCK or back to seizure and DT's land. It's frustrating.

Now I can't even make up my mind what kind of career I want. I have been in one career for 18 years and now suddenly want a change. I don'y know if it is the depression I have been going through or mid life crisis or what? It's time for me to get back to the jungle and meditate. I have not been there since my surgery seven weeks ago. Keep coming back as they say at A.A.
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Avatar universal
HI fellow junkies,
I found this site 'cause I got my self into yet another addiction.........Vicodin and Oxys. Always liked the feeling when I doubled up my dose after knee surg.Then **** all the pills are gone and the pain was still there. But I had back problems, so I did a Oscar winning performanve with another doc and presto, more pills, and later fentynal patches. I ate the goo in the patches and Wow that was interesting... The doc prescribed 10mg oxys 60 a month,gone in a week. I really was just curious as to how long I would feel funky and if there was something that would make the funk go away sooner,then I stumbled onto this site.Got the info I needed and feel ok, for now. I have been through treatment 10yrs ago and thought I was doing preety well,untill the pills.No smell like drinking,no big production to use like coke,no one knew, or noticed,I thought.
The end is just like any mood altering substance that I have ever used...DEPRESSION<LETHARGY,SELF-PITY,THE NEED TO STOP!!!
MY past tells me( I'm 45) that the only way to stop this madness is to get totally honest. With myself,MY doctor,and with agroup of people who understand,that group being for me a good
AA progrm and a good sponsor. It worked for me in the past and I know it will work again if I get HONEST.
  This addiction bullshit is so totally ****** up!!!
  I just looked in the mirror 3 days ago and called myself the truth I am a JUNKIE,I may not shoot up, but I'll do what it takes to get high. I'll lie,cheat,steal, and I'll do all those things to my family and friends.
The end of this bullshit has 3 outcomes,jails,insttutions,or death. I have experienced 2 of the 3. I have a family I adore,
A wonderful wife,still have most of my health.Really for me
there is'nt enough fuckin' pills worth trading all that away for.
Thank-you all for sharing your experiences. I needed to see
that I was'nt alone in this funk.As I pray for my self to be free,I will pray for your freedom too! Thank-you and GOD Bless you!!!!
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Avatar universal
I'm so glad you had a good hunt!  A person learns so much in the wild.  It's like...where we belong.  I miss Colorado and the mountains and the wonder of it all!  Life was good then.

Some days I find myself looking west towards what used to be the mountains and ask why did I end up here.  But I suppose that there is a reason for everything in life.  God,I hope so!  I'm not in prison physically, but because of my life of addiction I am imprisoned in a withering body. I'm glad you had a good hunt!
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Avatar universal
I haven't heard from you in a while.  How are things going on the west coast?  I have a close friend who lives in the Redondo
Beach area, and he absolutely loves it there.  Are you still trying to get into a meth program?  I think the last time I heard from you, you were checking that out.  Whatever, I hope you are doing O.K.  By the Grace of God, I have been clean for about 75 days now.  I'm trying to be careful;  I've become somewhat bored with life and I know what a strong warning signal that is.  I think I'll go to a meeting this afternoon.  I've got 1 more week in my 10 week out-patient program, so, I know I need to start using other support areas to maintain sobriety.  Good luck to you..
Charlie
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Avatar universal
How are things going?  I've just returned from a 4 day hunting trip and my mind is where it needs to be.  It does me wonders to get out in the  woods and let my mind relax and appreciate the simple things in this crazy world.  I hope you had a good week-end.  God Bless.
Charlie
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Avatar universal
The bottom you hit this summer is probably worse than any of us here could fathom.  One thing to think about is the fact that your recovery may take as long a time as your addiction.  Just because we go through detox, rehab, etc. does not mean that we are out of the woods.  I've hit bottom several times, got scared, got help, got feeling somewhat normal again and then all too late found that it still had me in it's grip!  

I finally came to the conclusion that I was far beyond human help and started to become somewhat spiritual.  Yes, I pray!  And so far it has been keeping me centered and focused on recovery.  My life has actually gotten worse over the last two years but I've been able to hold what little I have left together. I'm talking to you as a fellow survivor of addiction and not as a preacher who knows not of our battle.  

Peace be with you, brother!
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Avatar universal
you're saying that you came clean with the doctor that got you hooked in the first place, including telling him you were forging scripts, and the ******* dropped a dime on you, knowing you were at detox earnestly trying to deal with a problem he helped you create? Is that what you're saying?
Pardon my french, but your doctor is a ******* rat-******* piece of **** who deserves to have the DEA up his ass til the end of time. I really feel for you, man. May God damn that quack to hell!
I've done time for rx forgery twice, but I never had a doctor turn on me like that. Nor did I ever turn snitch for the cops to entrap a physician they had already decided to bring down.
You must be feeling about as low as a man can feel right now. That doc should have got you to the detox and been done with it. I wonder if this guy has even a clue what you're in for now with the law down on you, as if you didn't have enough to deal with fighting an oxycodone addiction.
If you haven't already, you need to take the hand of a fellow addict and unburden yourself. AA, NA wherever you go, seek out a meeting of recovering addicts, stand up and tell them what you're facing. You're getting it from all sides, my friend, and right now you need a hand on your shoulder and someone saying the serenity prayer with you. I don't know what town you're in, but we're all over the map, meeting everywhere and anywhere.

If I could reach out through this screen and take your hand I would do it, brother. May god give you strength. Find a meeting. Tell someone about all this.

With all you're looking at, God bless you for selflessly helping Chad.

Stay in contact with this site, oxy Tom. Even if all I can do is listen and offer advice, I will. Don't let them take you're humanity and your dignity. There is redemption and recovery for you waiting down the long road ahead. Your brothers in AA and NA will walk it with you, a step at a time.

If you want to contact me privately, you can reach me at:
***@****

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Avatar universal
Hi Chad
I hope you really didn't leave this forum and are still reading....  In case you are, here's a note from someone who was where you are today a few years ago.

The people who are writing to you here, regardless of their approach, all seem to care about you,  Whether their advice is harshly spoken or not, they all are making the same point.  You need to get this under control before it takes you further down.  The bottom can be pretty low with this disease - lower than I ever imagined it could be.  And though I don't know you, I do hope for you that you never see as far down as I have.  The best way to prevent this is to take care of things now, because the longer you wait, the harder it will be.

Vicky has decent advice.  Controlling/limiting your use will give you the satisfaction of at least a small victory.   If that works for you, that would be GREAT!!!  That didn't work for me because I couldn't control myself.  But maybe you're stronger? I don't know and you don't either til you try it.  

I can definately relate to NOT telling your doc.  If you do that, it kind of limits your options.  Is that what you need?  I don't know that either.  

What I DO know is this - the disease of addiction for me was progressive....as in it progressively got worse.  And if you are like most of us who are addicted, the same will happen to you.

It hit what I though was bottom this summer for me.  I was getting a scrip for 8x80mg per day, but that wasnt enough!!  I was writing my own prescriptions too - 70-100 every 3 or 4 days, PLUS the ones I got legally!  I needed 5-10 (x80mg) at a time just to keep from going into withdrawal.  My skin was breaking out from all the poison in my system, I spent my savings (or rather, my FAMILY's savings), was either sweating of puking or both all the time....til FINALLY I admitted to myself I needed help.  

I called my Doc and confessed.  On his advice, I went to a detox center.  To this day I cannot understand the logic of my Doc, but he really let me down and turned me in.   I was arrested in the Detox Center.  My wife had to bail me out, and she took me right back to Detox where I spent twice the normal amount of time and still didn;t feel better.

When I got out, I not only had pain, withdrawal, a family that I let down, etc... - I also had BIG legal problems.  (I still do.)

After all this, you would think I FINALLY have it under control??  That was my "bottom"?  Nope.  It still has me.  Just went through a month's scrip in a week.....again.   Im talking about well over 100 of the 160mg size.  In a week.  

I'd give ANYTHING to be where you are today...ANYTHING!!!  Not that it's any easier to kick a smaller habit...I'm not saying that...I'm sure the pain/withdrawal/etc. is just as real to you as it would be to me....but to be able to even go a day without taking any would be nothing short of a miracle for me.

Chad - now is the time to take whatever action you need to, to get this under control.  You HAVE to, or you could lose your life to this thing!  The longer you give in to it, the harder it will become.  And you run the risk of escalating the problem to the point where you could end up with a HUGE tolerance, legal problems, or worse.

Again - I was where you are just 3-4 years ago.  Not saying you will end up like me now, but why chance it?  It really could happen.

Don't let yourself see how far down you have to go before taking action.  I know there's a better life than this, and you are much closer to it than I.   Run for it, man!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Morning JB (Yawn)
I got that "email" that I spoke of from MEDHELP. It was sent to me on December 8, 2000. Their email address is www.medhelp.org  
"Cindy" and "Phil" are the founders of Med Help International.  They are over the "Ask the Doctor" forums.  They said in the email that it costs them as much as $25 for questions that are answered in these forums.  They go on to say that "Within the past 6 years Med Help International (a non-profit organization by the way) has become one of the worlds largest sources for consumer health information.  Their site receives more than 5 million hits per month. They go on "Right now we need a little help from friends in order to continue our services (and hopefull expand them).  Med help does not receive ANY government funding or foundation grants... we rely on donations from people like you." THEN THEY SAY "We want to always be here for you! If you are in a position to make even a small donation we sure can use your support.  All contributions are tax deductible and may be mailed to :

Med Help International
3830 South Highway A1A
Suite C3, PMB #17
Melbourne Beach, Florida 32951

Anyway I just dread the thought of trying to get to this site one day only to find out that it is gone!  That is why I am concerned about the future of this site.

Have a great day. I am going to try and nap.  My husband looks like he has been to hell and back. And I guess in a way he HAS!

Have a great one!
Marcie.
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Avatar universal
Hey, I read your post about donating money to save this site.  I haven't gotten a letter yet.  Anyway, I would gladly send a donation.  All of the people who use this forum should consider doing something to help save this site. Good things have a way of disappearing when we neglect them, right?

Hope you will finally get some much needed rest, Marcie.  It's not easy to live life on "auto-pilot" especially when flying through the mountains, he,he!  Pleasant dreams!

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Avatar universal
You know that I am ready to give both of you a group hug!  Mine would be from far away though.  I am in Florida!!!! You both sound like such nice people.  Have a great weekend. And Vicky V. (no anger management class for you HAHA).

Take Care,
Marcie.

P.S. Vicky please dont get mad at me for this but when I read the part about them taking away your #$%^#@( TOKEN I grabbed my stomach laughing.  I mean here you are with such good intentions at this meeting and some fool snatches away something that was hard earned.  Vicky, I would have hired a lawyer on that one.  I mean were you waiting for Alan Funt to come out and tell you that you were on CANDID CAMERA?  I mean did your mouth drop to the floor? How insane.  And J.B. What food for thought on your reply about the Bronze Star that would have been some Food For Thought for those fools who did that to you Vicky!  
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Avatar universal
And a big Thank You as well!  Sometimes we forget that it's nice to be nice.  Now what I mean?  I just had a beautiful day here in warm and sunny downtown Indiana, brrrrrr!  Your post made my day!  Take care and be good.  J.B.
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Avatar universal
You have touched my heart!  Thanks for the beautiful reply. I am proud of your Star. I understand the anonymous thing.  Just knowing there is someone like you nearby is great.  Again, thanks for being such a sweetheart.
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Avatar universal
Maybe so!  And I hope so.  If not maybe we could talk sometime.  I just don't know how because I want to remain anonymous, if you know what I mean.  Maybe someday, somehow we will find eachother and....be friends!  Easy does it, my friend, and go with God.

P.S. I would have never taken your token away, you earned it the hard way like most of us.  Would they take my Bronze Star away if they found out I was really a coward?  Just scared like the rest and best of us!
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Avatar universal
We probably know eachother.
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Avatar universal
I've said time and again that you need to find a group that you are comfortable with and can be honest with.  Honesty is key in recovery.  The group I hang out with are mostly Viet Nam Vets so naturally we are pretty understanding of one another.  My sponsor takes meds as prescibed by his doctor and so do I.  If I walked into a meeting stoned or nod out, that would be a different matter.  Some of the guys will mention marijuana once in a while but we tend to frown on that.  Legitimate prescription meds get discussed at times but usually it's when there is a problem like the one I mentioned above.  All we want to do is helf eachother make it through life one way or another the way we did it in the old days.  BTW, I live about one hour south of Fort Wayne out in the boonies.
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Avatar universal
You're right, it's hard to see someone have to "hit bottom" before they can decide to kick it.  However, that's just the way I use.  I wait until I'm either facing some serious consequences or some other major BS going down.  It's not the best way to decide to start some kind of program, but it's the only way some of us can get the message.  I agree with you about the frustration involved with someone who time and time again says he wants to quit, but he/she will not take any steps toward recovery.  I, also, get frustrated with some who post and do the same things over and over again with the same results(I think it's called insanity).  I just don't want to see someone get blasted to the point that they take offense and quit posting.  I hope you're doing well - I don't know what you're going through health-wise, but I wish you the very best.  I had someone very close to me go through something similar to what you mentioned 5
years ago.  Live for today!!!!!
Charlie
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Avatar universal
I know I am going to hear about this but, I'm game:  Here is my confusion:  Chad, obviously you are not ready to quit. O.k. So what? Neither am I.  So, why don't you try first to manage your intake instead of climbing the big mountain of quitting. By limiting how many you take, you will have the sense of some accomplishment of control, without the anxiety of having to go without.  I know I am going to get ripped for this, but I feel that those of us who have been doing it for a lot longer than Chad forget the actual fun it is at first.  I know he is scared, but right now I think the thought of not having them at all is too much.  So if you can, Chad, try thinking about just doing a few a day.  That way, you will not have to go through withdrawals as long, and your body will get used to it, I swear.  Not being ready is simply that.  Not ready.  It is not a failure.  Don't make excuses.  Just make small victories.Eventually, you will be ready to talk to your doctor.  even that may not do it.  My doc knows I was in rehab for addiction to them, and still sees me every month! One day at a time, Easy does it is the way. Speaking of A.A, first of all, maybe the A.A. in Indiana is not like the ones you all go to.  I was asked not to mention drugs at every A.A meeting I went to by the "old timers." Most of them are great and I met some good people.  However, they only want to discuss alcohol and they don't even like the term "cross-addicted. I was never an alcoholic, but in Fort Wayne, Narcotics Anon is a joke, everyone is geeking.  Also, at the A.A. meetings I went to, you could not be under the influence of anything and participate.  This means even one vicodin.  J.B.,you're from the Indy area, if I may be so bold,  how do you go to A.A. and still take your pills?  Do they know about this?  Because I went to Cocaine anonymous and was congratulated for being clean for six years until I said the vicodin was helping my neck.  They took away my ******* token!!!!  Anyway, I am not being sarcastic about the attitude of A.A, buy I don't see how you can recommend A.A. for a drug addiction problem, least of all an active addiction. that's how it was when I lived in Fort
Wayne.  I don't know about other areas.  Please don't be too hard on me about Chad.  Its just that the tough love is not going to work.  Why not let him take his pills, even if its just for some escape?  If he wants to come on this board and whine about his withdrawals that is his fault for downing them all in two days, and he really is no different from the rest of us who abuse them even IF WE HAVE REAL PAIN!!!!
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Avatar universal
First of all I want to tell you that I liked your post.  It shows a alot of compassion and encouragement towards Chad.  About not having any patience, however, it gets to the point of frustration when someone says "I'm not really trying" in so many words.  What if Chad was your own son or daughter?  Sure many of us would be a little bit impatient after a while with this attitude.  Yes, we want the best for Chad but it's not easy to just sit around and wait for someone we care about to hit the bottom as we have.  But like they say, misery likes company!
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Avatar universal
I hope you will continue to use this forum for support.  I've been right where you are,and it's not easy.  You seem to be reaching out for help, but it sounds like there's one problem; you know you want to get off the oxy, but you are not ready yet.
When I say ready, I mean mentally.  If I were still using and had more prescriptions waiting to be filled, I would still be using.  I couldn't quit until my prescriptions had run out and I decided not to visit the doc again.  Some people have to really hit bottom before they can quit, and you may be one of these people.  Take it from someone who has been to the bottom, it's a long, long way to start climbing upwards; but it can be done.  Chad, don't take these previous posts personally.  Many of these people mean well but don't have much patience for those who don't want to do what it takes to kick it.  I hope you can decide to get help and go forward with some form of recovery.  Best of luck to you.
Charlie
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Avatar universal
UNBELIEVALBE.
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