PLAN

This was hard. I first want to say im sorry Kim. I have made a plan for the first time to get off and stay of heroin and all other drugs. Iv thought about this all day . I dont want to go on a methadone program as i feel it wont help or benifit me .I have not ruled out rehab, but would prefer to just go cold turkey. I know my time is running out and need to get this done . I also realise i cant be near heroin or any other drugs as i will relapse for sure I get a vallium refill tommorow that should help me with sleeping ect . I know that i have said this before im quiting drugs but i mean it this time or i will pay with my life . Not acceptible i need to do this for me and my children .  Im also going to attend aa and na as well as my counsilor to keep me away from the drug scene I know i can do this i had 200 plus clean time and life was so much better .Failure is not an option being clean is my goal . I want to be able to say how great life is and how happy i am again. I will keep you guys updated ,,,,,,,,James

[avisg]

James YOU NEED REHAB no ifs ands or butts you have tried over and over to do this on your own but you cant .Nothing changes if nothing changes ...Time for rehab ...say you are going to try to do it again on your own is just putting off your recovery more and more .Time to step up to the plate James .Safe you life get into rehab .

[SophieShine]

James I can feel the change of tone in your "voice" and realize thru your words that this time you might be really serious about it.
Let me tell you something and you know how much I care for you and sure don't wanna sound mean. Last time, I thought it was your last chance. I thought that if you'd relapse you'd kill yourself. Fortunately for you Mother Nature gave you so much physical strength, that's why you survived all those years of drug abuse. But don't push your luck James, you might be not as lucky next time. Now you have to build up the mental strength that you have too but that have disappeared because of all those years. Build up your self esteem, you will power and start to love yourself. Things happened in your life, but things happened to most of us, start to be a survivor and then a fighter instead of a victim. Turn things around. You have it all in you.
Addiction is a disease and you'll have to fight it all your life, that's why you have to change drastically way of life. You have to realize deep inside of you that there's no way you can be around drugs anymore, Choose to live James.
I'm all the way behind you but I'm sick to my stomach for Kim, sorry I had to say it...
Do it James. sophie.

[10356]

Hey James i realize the position you are in if you go to rehab and I realize the position it will put kim in.. I know it is not a real viable solution for you where both of your lives are at.. I realize the hardships it will add.. I agree with avisg on this level but not all know the whole story here.. and nor do you need to tell it.. but I agree with your sentiments all the way.. I add my strengths to yours.. we walk as one we will always walk as one.. letakos

[Radiostar55]

James, you have been an inspiration to me..If you can tell all your friends and dealers to not sell it you whatsoever..Stay near Kim and your children for support. 200 days is fablous, but now you must start again..There are many people here rooting for you. and are also here to help  Hang in there Buddy!

G

[dominosarah]

actions speak louder than words James..........sara

[gizzy32]

I am worried about you bro, your not gonna last until something changes. You need this help and you can be happy again, but you have not done nothing about it since your last relapse. Please buddy, get the help you need now. We are here for you, but we are not enough. You deserve to be happy. Kim is doing so well and it's time to step up to the plate. I am not being mean, you know for a fact i care about you, but watching you kill yourself is hard. Please keep posting and NEVER EVER give up. PM me anytime James and stay safe.

[Didler]

Im new here, but I just want to say that I feel your pain bro.  And I know how frustrating it is, to tell your girl about your newfound energy to quit, yet trying not to sound like a broken record.  I am surprised my girl has stuck with me through this battle as long as she has.  So grateful for her support, and Im sure you feel the same way.  Just know that the high isnt worth it, not even close.  And its NEVER okay to just do a little.  You can never dip your toes in without falling in head first.  You may have the confidence to quit now, but down the road is when it counts.  do it cold turkey, so you suffer more.  Thats the way to make yourself hate it.  You have to truly not want the stuff, the same way you'd think about eating a cockroach.  You wouldnt want to.  Ever. Nothing good is easy, so lets both suck it up, be a man, and live the Clean, Good LIFE,

[stilltrying1965]

Thank you.i rea APPRECIATE ALL YOUR COMMENTS but i m so determind. And i wont lie i hada wee bit left,so ill finish it today.And i will srart my c/t tomorrow i will prove everyone this time. I need my life back i WANT TO DO THIS FOR kIM MY CHILDREN AND MY WIFEi FEEL LIKE I CAN DO IT THIS TIME. iF NOT THEN I WILL LEAVE AND GET THIS DONE tHANKS GUYS FILURE IS NOT AN OPTION AGAIN I THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR NOTES, COMMENTS AND SO MUCH ENCOURGENENT i WILL DO THIS AS I KNOW I CAN ,,,,James ps you allmean so much to me tanks Mh.........

[jenny06xx]

sorry to say this james but everything you said in your last post you just cotradicted yourself on............i had a wee bit left so ill finish it ?
if you wanted to quit you would have flushed it and started TODAY NOT TOMMOROW
tommorow never comes.........
jen

[daisy699]

Jame's I have to be honest w/ u when I saw you had relapsed my heart sank...I had written to you way back when u started posting about you and Kim getting clean off of many years of heroin addiction...Well you were and inspiration to me b/c like you I was addicted ti iv heroin use and founf comfort in knowing sm 1 else on here knew what I was going through (as it's alot of pill usage on here)!! Not to mention and I don't think by coincidence we were on the exact same day!! And I found ur posts, u silently gave me strength as I read ur daily posts for encouragement and strenght!!! i am so sorry you have relapsed and Ik how hard it is to get back on once you've allowed urself that "slip"...ik u suffer alot w/ post traumatic stress fromawful things that has happened in THE PAST.... But so have we all I don't mean to sound harsh but it's time to put that behind you stop using it as a crutch and get on w/ it and u obviously are not able to do it "ct" so maybe rehab is ur best option..Please think of Kim and ur kids and most importantly ur LIFE!!! Every time u use in ur home or bring drugs home or are even high on dope you are putting Kim's sobriety at risk and being very selfish!!!!Please not 1 more time anymore the only reason I decided to reach out and say smthin today is b/c my b.f just lost his roommmate to heroin and he was clean like you me and kim and decided 1 MORE TIME..GUESS WHAT he found him slumped over at his computer DEAD...that's the reality iof this drug and the 1 more time B.S.!!!!!!!!! I really wish you the best..you got a glimpse of what clean life was like when you got those 200 days!!(which was great) but u can't keep saying I had 200 days you have to start over TODAY.......from day 1 back to a lifetime free of drugs,James you've been lucky and luck always runs out..I'd hate for Kim to be in my b.f situation in the near future b/c that's where your headed..With love,strength and prayers Daisy

[stilltrying1965]

Daisy i would never put kims clean time in jeportay Kim is so strong and i cant flush it i pid £150 i cant flush it as im only flinging it all awy. So i will finish it today, and start my c/t tommorow and kim hs 268 clean days.Nothing i would do i would never let kim go back. see the thing is kim is so far infront of me kim is not interested in heroin ,she sleeps and hardle even wants to go back. my friends are giving me a hard time .But i will srart tomorrow i will prove everyone wrong. as for rehab i cant do tht my wife has growthes on her lungs and i honestly dont know how to cope. But when 2morro comes i will prove my doubters wrong .Yes kim was unhappy but kim knows i will do this. DAisy i have lost 3 friends to drugs. I lso know if i keep going i will lose.Call it tough love and maybe i should flush it but i spent a lot so ill finish 2nigt but kim is doing it and now its my turn Thank you daisy ......Jame P S i feel like good friends re getting on to me and rightly so but i will win im so detrmind more than i have ever been before and if you red my posts have a look at what my sister Letakos and you will see most peeps dont know our full story thanks daisy you comments mean so much thank you daisy ,,,James

[pharma9]

James...you have to flush the rest away,delaying does not help.You have to show yourself and everyone that you are serious and flush it.It does not matter that you paid for it.Your life is worth more than that.
Many people on this forum paid for drugs and flushed them because they had to.
Flushing is no more a waste than using it .

[stilltrying1965]

I will prove every one that doubts me wrong James

[daisy699]

I really hope for you and Kim's sake tom is the day and u r able to prove every 1 wrong :) I have read every single 1 of ur posts including the loving 1's from ur sister letakos!!! I just have been very observant as I usually am.. I read every day and write only when I feel I can help or necessary... I just really wan this for you and kim.. I have 271 days so as I said I felt a connection w/ u guys when u started posting.. idk if u remember me pm u about my very sim. sit but i did..... It's just so raw when sm 1 u know loses the battle and the hope is over... you still have hope and I want u to hang onto that and get clean again!! U were so positive when posting in ur clean time and I look forward to getting back to reading those pos. posts!!!YOU CAN DO IT JAMES!!!!!!!!! you have b4 and I understand it's hard to start again when all the guilt and shame is there from starting again in the first place..At least maybe you have learned from this relapse and no u can't go this alone!! You def need some good aftrcare and u have the support at home everyone is pulling for you James now it's time u join the fight ;) You are in my prayers!!! Pleae keep posting wen u start tom......Best wishes being sent..Daisy  

[stilltrying1965]

DAisy i will post most days nd for the first time i feel like i can , and will do it this time i have to or as you all know im pushing it. And you are also right i must stop or i could and probibly pay the ultimate price my family dont deserve this what good m i if im dead, i will just leave so much greif behind with my family my wife a widow my children fatherless So i must get this done. But sometimes i think that peeps have been judging me,,,,,James

[sweatinit]

Hi James,

No judgements here...we just all want you to get back on track and we all know how hard that can be. We are our own worst enemies, as you know.
People on this site love you! I have never seen anything like it in my life. You're an amazing person. You helped me so much when i was just starting out. I want you to knwo that.

Flush and start your life again...today, my friend!

xxoo Kathy

[daisy699]

James please know I am not judging you!! i can;t speak for any 1 else but I don't think any 1 is or if they are shame on them!! NO ONE is in a position to judge any1 here no 1 is better than any 1 in any way on here and I've never got that feeling from the ppl that are on here alot giving their exp., strenght, hope and methods of getting and stayin clean.... I am in the pos. unlike some that knows exactly what ur going through.. I think that may just be ur guilt and paranoid feelings from having ur relapse and trying to put the pieces and some days back together...As far as being dead and what ur family would go through that hits very close to home..I will post this to you so u know how much I do get it... I lost my father at the age of 10 (he was 39!!!) to drug abuse...So you are right on about the devastation you would leave behind..Ik u have in ur mind ur start plan and that's tom...I have faith in u that that is what ur going to do, b/c ik if i still had dope in my pocket and was planning to get clean I probably wouldn'y "flush" it either..It's a little diff. i think w/ H addicts in that we want to be prepared and KNOW that ok this is my last hoorah my last shot..It's a mental thing....YOU MUST DO THIS TOM!!!!!! I look forward to hearing from you for this has also been a "blessing" in disguise for me and a lesson of just how fragile we addicts are and close to relapse..You have once again given me strength by posting to u and t.t u about ur sit. I started out w/ u 2 and now realize I am still very fragile to it as well. I once again do not judge you just want you back postin how great ur life once again is and how happy u r that ur done w/ w/d and into aftercare takin care of business...:) Have faith in urself be ready to BE DONE TOM mentally prepare urself and start the journey again so u can once again be a great support for kim and ur kids...they need you believe me....... sending you prayers and HOPE b.c there still is hope james....Daisy

[vicki595]

James...James...James~~

You don't want to flush it because you paid so much money for it?   BS !!

Remember who you're writing to?  We're addicts!!   Rotten excuse for using today..just rotten.  We've been there so don't give excuses...

Now,with that said,I'm through yelling at you but you needed it!    Sweetie, you are the poster boy for in-patient rehab.  Can you possibly do that?   There are many lives at stake here...and you know it...

My friendship and (tough love) support always~~~

Vicki  xo  

[GA Guy]

James, I know I haven't written much to you, but I've been following your posts. I'm afraid that you're betting your life on the determination to do this..and this has absolutely nothing to do with determination or will power. In fact, it's the absolute opposite. It's the complete surrender and yelling to the rooftops that you can't do this alone. You need rehab. That's it. You need rehab. You can rationalize taking up your stash all night, you can use Kim's health problems as a reason not to go, and you can deny it to yourself until everyone quits the yelling...but, a lot of kind people on here are seeing what you will not allow yourself to see. Taking one last chance to do things your way isn't worth betting your life on.

[avisg]

James what are you doing getting high just cuz ya paid for it we both know thats not why your getting high because its there and you want to get high .you are an addict thats what we do first step in recovery stop lieing to your self and for that matter everyone that cares /we are not jundging you we have been there we have told ourselfs and others all of the some lies .what step by step is your plan ? lay it out it helps keep you on track.

[worried878]

I think I read a post that u flushed james????  good ending

[stilltrying1965]

SOPHIE IS THIS THE POST WERE YOU THOUGHT I WAS MAD AT YA, FOR WHAT GIVING ME SOME TOUGH LOVE,WELL SOPHIE IM A BIG BOY AND CAN TAKE THE TOUGH LOVE ASWELL AS THE NICE THINGS YOU SOPHIE AND OTHERS HAVE S YOU ARE MY MAID TO ME.SOPHIE YOU ARE MY FRIEND AND VALUE YOUR OPINION SO THE ANSWER IS NO IM NOT MAD AT ALL LOL YOU HAVE GIVEN ME GREAT ADVISE YOU CAN ALSO BE CRITACAL BUT THEY ARE ONLY POINTS OF VIEW AND YOU SOPHIE ARE ENTITELED TO YOURS ASWELL YOU ONLY DAID WHAT YOU HAD ON YOUR MIND I THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THAT I HOPE WE ARE STILL GOOD FRIENDS SOPHIE BUT IF I HAVE OFENDED YOU SOPHIE THEN I AM VERY SORRY FOR THAT HUGS TEXAS GAL  LOL ,,,,,JAMES P S YOU MEAN SO MUCH TO ME AND KIM AND WEALSO LOVE YA AND LIKE I SAID SOPHIE I CAN HANDLE THE GOOD AND THE BAD BUT IT WAS ONLY YOUR OPINION AND EVERY ONE DESSERVES AN OPINION

[moonshyne777]

James, you nearly lost your life the other night and put your family in harms way over drugs. Now today, only days later, you are using. James, I know your very fortunate to have Kim beside you but honestly, how much more do you think she can take? Don't you think the fact that your children could have been harmed over the very drug you refuse to flush today could be the breaking point for her? Sorry James but your being very self centered right now. You need rehab and I'm sure Kim would be fine while you were in getting treatment. what is detrimental to her health is your continued use and the stress she must be enduring having to worry about you and worry about her children and whether or not someone else might come to your door.

It's time to stop the ******** James, flush that crap and get into rehab right away. You nearly died over it and here you have the opportunity to make things right. Start by getting rid of it and have Kim make the call to get you into an intensive rehab program. I truly think it would save your life. Your in my prayers and I hope you do what needs to be done.

[sweatinit]

Moon,
I dont see where James is using. He just got home from the hosp today. Nowhere does he say he is using. His other posts says he 9 days clean. I'm confused?

[SophieShine]

Thank you James! I still have a lil problem with my self confidence, working on it tho!! lol
I'm so glad you're doing that well my Friend, of course you're my Friend!!! I love you both madly, ya know that... Please give a hug to Kim from me and I send you sooooo many Mwah's coz you can't have any hugs yet!!!
Sending you sunshine from over the Channel.
xoxoxo. sophie

[worried878]

skimmed this post..lots of drama noted...not a whole lotta moving forward nor progress from the last posts i saw
STILLTRYING////is kim/ur wife/ on the verge of relapse cos of ur continuing relapses and cries for help????seems like she stays stable...i think she will be ok without u if u check in James////she doesnt post much but i get the drift she is strong\  dont see alot of drama surrounding her posts a while back///very down to earth she seemed...she didnt attract the soap opera stuff///seemes very strong
It seems as if u have a following/u attract some drama james...and i hope these r strong peole who can help u..in reality they r not aftercare tho james...often their drama is ona higher scale than urs altho all here want u to pull thru

just remember...if nuttin changes///nuttin changes...make a change

[worried878]

Lots of sympathizers here...a bit of drama from top to bottom..u should feel re-infoced as lots of support here for u
Kim always seemed so straight-forward/down to earth....very to the point//a strong person...I respect strength in a person...
Hang on to her///just because she is strong does not mean she doesnt need u....and dont forget to get urself straight so she doesnt move on one day.....moving forward is part of life//other choice is to stay and dwell in the darkness////depressed, negative// people like this can get very old//often those who managed to leave their past behind do not want to re-live anothers past with them over and over...if one person does not grow/nor attempt to move forward and the other does///they will part ways eventually...people want to be happy..a persn surrounded by positive nrg is so much more pleasnat than one who is surrounded by negative nrg
Drug use keeps us a bit depressed....depression is a state of selfishness spiritually..it is hard to perceive others needs when we r self absorbed..pay attn to her..do not forget

[kimbraveheart]

You are on an old post. James flushed that and hasnt  touched it since and doesnt intend to.

Worried. I have no intention of leaving James. And not once have i ever mentioned that i am on the verge of relapse. There were times before mh that james and i started detox and it was me that crumbled first and he didnt leave me so i cant say that he is the only one that relapses. It was me on many occasions that kept going back to it. Also, i would like to verify to everyone that yes, we have kids but they are 24 and 26 and dont stay with us, so there are no kids in the house. It was my fault that they found out the address anyway, i done something i didnt realise i had done so i now know how they knew the address.

Sweatinit  I now know exactly what you mean.  ill write to you after i do this post.

And a lot of you havent a clue about our personal circumstances. Only a few close friends know and if you did you would understand why it is so hard. I do not mean to sound harsh but i have posted things also and James clean days were on both posts i think, if not at least one of them. I am grateful for your concern and know that he needs some tough love sometimes and i appreciate that. James and i had a very emotional talk about things and his attitude has changed completey. I know him better than anyone and as soon as hes recovered he is going back to his meetings. I also want to make it crystal clear to everyone that we do not have hospitals that do rehab. We are in a country were we are treated for free and only have detox centres. The waiting lists are months and you cannot just walk into one, unless of course you can go to the private ones but they cost thousands of pounds, which i do not have or we woud have been there years ago. Again i thank you all for your concern and would appreciate your continuing support.    Kim P S we have been married for 28 years and will not through that time away!!!

[stilltrying1965]

To all those who dont beleive im 10days clean of heroin.Well as long as i know and Kim knows thats all that matters to me. I also know while in hospital i got morphine then some opiate painkillers, I could do nothibg about that, and if that does not make me clean. Well im sorry i was wrong, But i have never took my doc heroin for 10 days,And im proud of myself my family are also very proud of me for that.
And i have never asked for nor intend to askfor sympathy, I guess some ppl have hearts for the ppl who never judged me i thank you all from my heart.Tough love i can handle that so thanks also tothe ppl who gave me tough love.It made me open my eyes to what i was doing to myself and 2my family i also wish to thank youfrom my heart
10 DAYS AND COUNTING YEEEEHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.......JAMES

[jt808]

hey i dont kno u or james but i fell same way as u do this site is good to get stuff off ur chest sometimes esp for those of us who cant talk to certain opeople on here at least some people kno were were coming from BUT i do not like that sum people who do not kno u or jim an kno all the circumstances feel it neccessary to judge an say stuff that they do not kno all they do is say what they think and alot of it is bs cuz no one knows the real circumstances so this site is good but at times can be very annoying cuz sum people just either dont get it or try to butt in an say thngs that they have no idea about. but anyway just thought i kinda felt how u felt when i was reading ur post an i really do wish u guys all the best some things are just not meant to be posted on here for all to see cuz thts how people tend to say thngs they dont no the facts an try an chime in wth there 2 cents well good luck hope ya all the best.

[jt808]

congrats buddy like u said u dont have to prove us anythng as long as the important people really kno how ur doing thta all that matters an sounds like kim an ur family does so wishing ya all the best an keep up the good work turn that 10 into 20 to 30 an so on an so forth .

[beatingthis]

You Go James!!

Terry

[stilltrying1965]

Thanks bud glad that you understand what im saying,,,,,JamesPs whow you doing ?

[jt808]

ya i hear ya bud... sounds like u really are gona do it this time, an i hope ya do. anyway im doing fine as usual i fked up i didnt even last a full day an went rite bak to smokn sum oxies... but ill get bak on the rite track enuf talkn about me an mistakes this is about ur successes pal. an keep on the rite track sounds like kims really got ur bak by reading here post an thats really cool an ur a lucky guy to have her on ur side aight bud keep up the good work my man

[sweatinit]

James...you are doing tremendous and you SHOULD be super proud. I knwo I am super proud of you!  Glad to see that you are focusing on ppl's comments that really care about you, kim and your recovery too. Got get em!!

Oh,, one more theing...Kim told me you're not tall, dark and handsome...whats up with that?! SHe said you're blonde and handsome...lol. Have a good day, my friend and we'll chat soon.

[vicki595]

Hey~~~Kathy~~~  James said in a post that he was dark skinned,tall and handsome.
I believed it!!  LOL  LOL    Doesn't matter but I always pictured James and Kim and the kids as all being blonde and fair.   Funny how we picture people...

James...Hi!    10 days is wonderful, kiddo!   You know,I think there probably HAS been some confusion on clean time etc...  If folks have not kept up daily(which is hard)
they skim through posts and misunderstand the thread.  After the "incident" there were two separate (or three) posts going and it got a bit confusing.  I felt fortunate because Kim sent me a note or two so I was up to speed,personally.
Sooo,maybe it's time for a new post.  Like:  " Hi- It's James. I've been clean for 10 days".     :)

Hug to you and Kim~

Vicki  xo

[stilltrying1965]

Well girls there was some confusion.I am talldark and very handsom LOL
Kim is blonde and petite  And very pritty just thought i wold right all the confsion...James

[vicki595]

LOL  wink   wink   LOL

Thanks for clearing that up...

V.

[stilltrying1965]

Winkwink haha Good to know thats been cleared up. Iv done that post Vicki So everyone gets the right updates T?Y Vicki,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,James

[sweatinit]

LMAO!!!! So glad that you have not disappointed me in your original description! haha...

[SophieShine]

Hey girls, you should hear him talk!!! He's got the cutest accent you ever heard!!!!

[stilltrying1965]

Thank you Sophie your the 2nd person that said that.Kim says different she saysi m a blabber rmouth but i agree with you Sophie its my ( sean edinburgh connery)  accent LOL ,,,,JAMES
Sorry girls we cant  put phone numbers and addresses on here now dont be to disappointed HAHA

[sweatinit]

ROTFL...Now James!

I have a scottish friend and just the way he says my name is most beautiful! Delightful really...

I imagine you and Kim (yes, Kim too) sound the same. He was born and raised in the same area.

[stilltrying1965]

You are right when he was a boy b4 my time. he used to deliver my grans milk. thats true Kathy he also went to the same school as my dad. funny sean an actor my dad a coal miner LOL ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,James

[outofcontrol108]

i just got out of rehab and the methodone really helps. they get you off of it by the time you leave. something you should perhaps try.

[outofcontrol108]

sorry, i am new to this site and didnt realize that you have to read all of the thread.  
i have never done this before.
so i read the thread and am so happy that you are doing so well.