Panic Attacks in my sleep

[NeverAgain127]

Today is day 25.   Yesterday I had TWO panic attacks while sleeping.  One during a 45 minute nap, and the other after I went to bed.

Is this part of withdrawals?   I HATE this.  Sleeping is hard enough, but now I'm having these panic attacks almost every single day.

I had panic disorder years ago that magically went away when I started taking opiates for my back.  Now they are back with a vengeance.   I wake up gasping for breath, coughing, confused, not knowing where i am. It is scaring my husband and daughter.  

I'm not going to lie to anyone here.   I keep thinking:  This *****.  I'm a mess physically.  I don't feel healthy or good in any way.   My back hurts so much I want to scream.  I have an appointment with a pain mgmt clinic today, but they told me over the phone that all they really specialize in is steroid shots in your spine.  Had those years ago---did NOTHING.

I'm 52 and I want some quality of life.  Okay, so I went off my opiates.  So what?   I'm not happy, I'm not feeling good AT ALL.    My heart rate is so high all the time (BP is normal; daughter checks it every day...she is a med student.)  I'm anxious, crying at tv commercials, cannot STAND hearing any sort of Christmas carol (I literally freak out at Christmas...I'm a childhood abuse survivor, and even 20 years of therapy cannot undo what is hard wired in my brain about my Christmas's as a kid.  They were not good.  I'll leave it at that. )

Sigh.  The coughing has not stopped.  I've done tons of research on this, and literally hundreds of people report coughing (lasting up to a month) as a symptom of w/d, but medical science has NO confirmed research on this.  I'm seeing my doctor tomorrow to have a pulmonary function test...(xrays were normal.)   The worry that the opiates were masking a long-term underlying illness are worrying me to death.  

I know this will take time.  But how am I supposed to support my family? By noon every day (I wake up at 5 am and cannot sleep after that AT ALL.) I'm in so much pain I MUST lay down.  

I hate this. I hate what my life feels like right now.   And the panic attacks on top of it?  

Please...encouragement, NO scolding.   I'm getting desperate.

[jifmoc]

Robin- your comment that your nickname should be "Spaz" made me laugh! I think I may just have to call you that!:)

Spaz, you are so willing to listen...and HEAR stuff. So great!!!:)

[NeverAgain127]

Thank you, all of you.  I needed that kick in the pants.  You're so right.

I have a lot to think about.  Thank you again.

-Night my lovelies.

Robin.

[jethro733]

Hey there NeverAgain, I'm sorry to hear you're still suffering there.  Just something to let you you know is it really does take a while for our bodies to re-adjust because I can say that after 3-4 weeks myself I was still a mess.  I think I could maybe walk up the stairs without feeling exhausted.  Pain wise it took until at least a month and a half until it started to feel like I was actually producing my own endorphins again.  The pain was so intense, and we forget that pain is not actually like that when we are clean so things can start to seem a bit hopeless during the re-wire.   I was on a high dose but considering that you've been taking them pain killers for 8 years that is going to wreck as much havoc with the bodies wiring.

Also too, making an assumption here but I'd say your health issues are going to draw things out also through having a lower immune system than regular folk.   It can take a while to feel clean and straight again.  What Weaver said is bang on as far as we think we'er going to have a magic fix when we stop the opiates but forget the original issues that brought us to them in the first place.  Got to get back on the horse and keep looking so to speak.

Also, don't hate your doctor.  He is doing what he's been trained to do through however many expensive years at med-school and we do not train our doctors to look outside the box.  They're just doing what they believe is correct(most of the time anyway, note: I am in N.Z and we're a bit different as far as we don't have pain management clinics).  Knowing this it's up to us to take responsibility and move forward.  Don't worry about what has happened as it's already happened.  What you're going to do now is what is important :)    

[jifmoc]

"If I go to AA, what in the world do I do...LIE?  I'm not an alcoholic.  I never have been.  2 glasses of wine and I'm asleep.   And it hurts my stomach so much, I'm a ginger-ale drinker mostly.

I can't go to AA and tell them "XX was my last drink."  I'll feel like a hypocrite.   NA scares me.   I went to ONE meeting...and I'm not going back."

Oh, huney, we are all so alike although we think we're unique: I am EXACTLY as you are alcohol wise: never a problem...never. I didn't have a problem w/ any substance...until about 7 or 8 years ago when I started the opiates. I've shared about that constantly at meetings (yes, I go to AA) and told me sponsor. Guess what? Not only are there many many folks there that identify w/ drugs more than alcohol (or only drugs) but the bigger point is it does not matter. My sponsor reminded me: pills are just alcohol in pill form anyway. The choice of substance doesn't matter. The fact that we had to alter our consciousness is the point. No one cares, trust me.

I'm sure you know this because you have been on this board a lot: we have to do aftercare. We don't make it otherwise. And your intense anger and frustration will be soothed by going, among other things. We can't just drop the drugs. If that worked, there would be no AA/NA or rehab. Also,  you need to give more than one meeting a try. That is not enough to decide anything. No one feels good in their first meeting: it's yucky, the people are weird, the lights are too bright, these people don't look like me and a million other things that we think. But, as smart as we all are, our best thinking got us here. We think we know best, we don't.

I'm sorry that you're in agony. Folks w/ physical pain on here always say that you have to give it time to see what your real pain is. Again, your body and brain are still rebounding, so what you feel now is not indicative of how you WILL feel.

So, have a good rest and check in later:)

  

[lulu747]

Hey Robin-

I'm sorry you are suffering so.  It IS early and you aren't doing aftercare.  The thing about aftercare (for many of us) is that it gives us a peace, a sense of belonging.  You know how you feel on here when someone responds with so much compassion to your posts?  Imagine that to the power of ten.  As JM has said so many times, you DON'T have to be an alcoholic to go to AA.  Many of our opiate addicts on here feel more comfortable in AA meetings, or there are just more of them.  It doesn't matter if you are not an alcoholic.  Addiction is addiction.
BUT-
I didn't identify with that program.  I tried a few meetings and then I found SMART recovery.  I was doing CBT and EMDR for PTSD but I needed a support group that was more addiction specific so I found SMART.  It's a wonderful program.  It is all about self-empowerment.  I would google it and see if there are any meetings in your area.

I know you feel miserable right now but you won't feel any better if you go back on opiates.  Living on opiates is not living at all.  I think you need to explore EVERY alternative pain option and do some aftercare.  I think you will find that your perspective changes quite a bit.
I see you right now as a woman who is almost at the end of a dark tunnel.  Don't give up before you see the light, okay?

Look at it this way.  Maybe this is happening because you are not supposed to be out there working like crazy.  Maybe this is happening because there is something else that you are meant to do.  Something that is kinder to your body and spirit and engages your heart.  I know that after 6 months clean I was so inspired to live my life on my own terms that I took a huge leap and opened a business doing what I love.  Am I ever going to get rich from it?  No.  But I pay my own mortgage and have a pretty decent life.  Most importantly, I go to work every day feeling like I am making a huge difference.  I would never have done this had I not almost lost everything.

Listen doll, EVERYTHING happens for a reason.  It sometimes takes awhile to figure out what those reasons are, but please don't give up.

Guess what?  I'd done a ton of therapy too.  Doesn't mean I still didn't need it and that I won't need it again.  Recovery and healing, especially from childhood trauma is a lifelong affair.

If you wanna talk specifics feel free to PM me any time.
Wishing you comfort and peace-
Lu

[NeverAgain127]

Thank you, everyone for answering me.  I kept seeing only spider responded to me, and I was so dejected.

I am really confused about meetings.  If I go to AA, what in the world do I do...LIE?  I'm not an alcoholic.  I never have been.  2 glasses of wine and I'm asleep.   And it hurts my stomach so much, I'm a ginger-ale drinker mostly.

I can't go to AA and tell them "XX was my last drink."  I'll feel like a hypocrite.   NA scares me.   I went to ONE meeting...and I'm not going back.  

Is there a prescribed-dependency-opiates support group?  I dont' know what to do.  

I need to see a therapist. Sigh.   Again. You have to understand, I have spent half of my LIFE in therapy.  I'm a survivor of severe childhood abuse and I voluntarily went to therapy to get over it. I've done amazing work with cognitive behavioral therapy.  I went to an out-patient program for adult survivors TWICE.   Week long, with after care.  So I"m no stranger to therapy.

I like my life.  I have many hobbies..I cook, bake, (wrote a family cookbook), read, write, paint, play the piano, and I am a total old movie buff (I love film noir...and I adore Bogey, Cagney, Edward G. Robinson.  Hitchcock films too...I have a collection of them!)

I just want the PHYSICAL symptoms to go away.  The panic attacks are ridiculous and disrupting my family life.   The constant, and I mean CONSTANT coughing.  (I've searched and searched...coughing with no organic cause is mentioned a lot anecdotally but there is NO definitive research on this....I have an appointment with my GP tomorrow and I think all he's gonna do is put me on a steriodal inhaler.  This is the same guy who kept me on oxycodone for 8 years. AND told me "I doubt you'll have any withdrawal symptoms."   OMG...can you say "incompetent.?"

The back pain is the worst.  And the chest pain.  I have a condition called "costochondritis."  from years of playing classical piano.  I was virtuoso at age 18.  Now I don't even OWN a keyboard...I gave my last piano away.  I literally could not keep playing, I'd end up with chest pains so bad I thought I was having a heart attack.

So many ER trips to finally dx the chest pain.  3 days in a cardiac intensive care unit. Echocardiograms with dye.   Stress tests with thallium.  

And then, on top of all that, I have esophageal spasms.  I have spasm in my GI tract too.  (I'm too embarrassed to talk about these.)  My nickname should be "Spaz."  

I pray every day: Please, God, just make the pain GO AWAY.  As I type this, it is a 10/10.  I"m going to go lay down.  

My doctor actually has me gulping down viscous lidocaine: a thick, numbing agent, for my esophagus.  I have an endoscopy scheduled for 10/30...and I"m SO scared to go.   The whole Joan Rivers death has me freaked out.

I'm not stupid...I know all about addiction..but this is dependency. I never bought any drugs from anyone.  I used to smoke pot in college, 30 years ago.  

This damn back issue...and it is either my spine, or my discs, or my trapezius muscles in spams.  Each doctor tell me a different thing.

I know I"m babbling...(I'll stop in a minute.)  The coughing thing is really intense...I'm reading from folks on heroin, and OMG, you can get fliuid in your lungs because opiates suppress your cough reflex so much.   It IS an anti-tussive.  It is not an expectorant.   People with severe coughs are given codeine-based cough syrup because it acts as an anti-tussive.

I keep thinking I have COPD or earlly stage emphysema.  

Sigh.   I hate this, I hate this, I hate this.  And D.AMN that doctor for letting me stay on these drugs SO LONG just because he is busy booking 4 patients every 15 minutes and trying to become a millionaire before he's 50.

My first husband was a doctor..a psychiatrist.  All our friends were doctors (this was back in the HMO days.)  Believe me, there are a LOT of idiot MD's out there.  So many you'd be scared.  

I don't trust doctors like I don't trust cops or the government.

Okay, I've ranted and raved enough.  Going to take a rest..the pain is bad.

Back later guys,

-R.

[jifmoc]

Hey, there. You know, day 25 is awesome yet as far as healing, it is so early. Your body and brain are still in "shock" to be w/o opiates. Time, yes time. Also, you wrote: "So I'm off opiates now what?" Boy that sounds familiar! If I'm not mistaken, aren't you going to meetings regularly? If not, you know that we need to get our support asap. You will feel much differently when you are working a regular program. I'm talking about the emotional stuff, and I can tell you are extremely frustrated. So tell us your aftercare.

It's funny, we all do this: we've used opiates for years and then after a few days or weeks we say "This is IT? Where's my life??" I did it too, still do sometimes.

Panic attack wise- sure get that checked out. Although,you ever just get panicked over feeling panicked? There is so much emotional stuff coming our now that we've numbed for so long, gotta remember that:)

[weaver71]

Many of us have pre existing conditions that were masked by opiates. I thought I had learned to manage my bipolar 1, while on opiates. Nope, it did suppress it and make it easier to manage, but it didn't make it go away. I see it a lot, people detox and then remember the issues they used to have. For my bipolar, CBT works the best. Nursegirl is a good source on panic and anxiety, you may want to message her. I did have panic attacks, for the first 90 days, and I didn't have them before, so I assumed it was part of my high dose methadone detox. I finally recognized it was my bipolar raising it's nasty side. All the things I never really coped with in a healthy way on meds are the central part of my recovery now. I am not tempted when offered nor crave, but I think it is because I am working with new tools now. Have you talked to a therapist about these attacks?

[NeverAgain127]

It does help, spider. ..thank you.   What in God's green earth did I DO to my body and brain with these opiates?

My GOD...if you are young and reading this, please I BEG you...don't get back on them, don't take them to get high, don't live my life.   This is a signpost you should heed.

[spider6]

Hi sweetie, I can't give you much right now except the knowledge that I'm going through the same panic issues as you are right at this moment.  I woke this morning and had an hour of panic and bawling trying to get myself together...it's a head trip unlike any other.  Im sorry for you.......you are really doing great so far. Hope it helps to know you're not alone in this. Hugs