Parent of a 17-yr old heroin user

Actually, I am the girlfriend (we just had our 3-yr anniversary) of the dad who found out a week ago that his 17-yr old daughter (Dawn) was caught by the police with heroin.  It has been a terrible shock to the whole family.  My boyfriend and his ex-wife are trying to imprison Dawn and keep her away from her boyfriend.  The reason is that he was a heroin user and went to rehab.  He was clean for a while (not sure how long), and they have both been using crack, K2, heroin and not sure what else.  Dawn just graduated from high school.  Her boyfriend is a few years older and does not have a HS dipoloma.  Me as the sort-of outsider doesn't know what they should do.  I worry that keeping her from him is just making her more depressed.  She swears they want to help each other stay clean.  Should they be allowed to see each other?  And what happens when she turns 18?  She is legally free to do what she wants anyway?  I say they should show them trust, but keep a close eye on them both.  I also think it's important to get to the root of what makes them want/need to do these drugs.  Do you agree that there is a sadness or something deep inside that makes people want to feel "comfortably numb"?  And why not try prescription antidepressants?  Why take the risk of killing yourself with street drugs?  I have so many questions and would appreciate hearing from people who have been through this!!  I admire all of you on here who have beat the addiction...sounds like a tough journey!

[bettermomma]

There is where a lot of parents and significant others if parents, really mess up... IMO, you can't trust an addict. From the addict stand point, the more I was trusted, the more I used... but that's just me. And yes there is a hidden reason for addicts to be "comfortably numb" but that is where the healing starts. You fix that and the healing process gets easier.

[ducky406]

First addiction is a serious disease. Someone doesn't typically do drugs just because they want to; it's much more complex than that. If you have ever been a smoker or coffee drinker and stopped you have only the vaguest idea of what it's like to quit a drug. Once you are hooked on a chemical substance your body physically changes. Depending on the drug it could be using that substance instead of a natural hormone -pretty common. And if you remove that substance your body gets confused and goes into a withdrawal period. The painful anxiety is enough to push people back to using quickly as it feels like your body cannot function without this drug and your life will fall apart if you don't use.

As far as why someone wants to go there in the first place there are many different reasons, I can only speak from my personal experience of being close to addicts. My family history starts with my great grandfather. I don't know if he came back from WWII an alcoholic or he went there already one, but he physically abused all my great aunts & uncles and my grandpa being the oldest got the brunt of it. He died in the 60's after taking a tumble down the stairs- he was attempting to strangle my great uncle and drunkenly tripped. The fear of becoming his father, my grandpa never touched alcohol. His kids weren't as lucky.

My aunt has a thyroid disorder, Hashimotos. It was untreated and unknown and basically caused a massive episode of depression which drove her to alcoholism. She hated herself so much because she couldn't be a good mom and couldn't handle her kids that she wanted to be numb from it all. My uncle likewise is an alcoholic. He ended up in the hospital after attempting to kill himself, but ignored his alcoholic tendencies until about 10 years later when it tore apart his marriage. Lastly - my sister. She started having problems not long after she was raped at 4 years old. She was sexually active at 11 and started using not long after. Alcohol, acid, mushrooms, meth- whatever she could get her hands on. For her I do believe depression and trauma definitely ignited it. By the time she was 14 she met her ex boyfriend (the father of my niece). Her ex was a drug addict, her ex's family had ties to gangs and all were meth users. She was already an addict but meth took it's toll and really got it's hooks in her.

A lot of people I know who are sober do have mental health problems and a horrifying past which could contribute to their addiction. But anti depressants don't act the same as drugs. If you think of it like a water level- some people are constantly at the bottom of the pool. Drugs get them high- and not just to the level of water where people usually are but past that. An antidepressant would only take you to the level of the water- and that's only if it works correctly. Many times it takes weeks or months to get the dose right and drugs are instant gratification. On top of that you have people who are more than just depressed. My friends aunt has multiple personalities and paranoia on top of chronic depression. My sister's best friend has a social anxiety disorder and paranoia which leads to panic attacks. For her drugs made her feel normal and less afraid. It also comes down to people saying -"it's normal; I'm just having fun; I'm not hurting anyone but me," and believing that to admit a problem is to admit a failure. It's also impossible to get someone to ask for help from a psychologist if they don't want it or if they believe they don't need it.

For someone who is addicted they don't usually see all the impact they have. My sister and her friends made my childhood a living hell. I had guns pulled out on my front yard- I had to usher a bunch of little kids inside and I was afraid someone would get shot. I had my stuff stolen left and right; people would come in and out of the house at all hours. I ended up getting a bar in my window, a lock on my door, and sleeping with a bat. My sister used to have me watch my 1 year old niece while she went out to party and I would sit up wondering if she would come back alive. My sister would crash and my munchkin would crawl into bed with me so someone would feed her. I was a full time nanny at 12 because my sister was an addict and couldn't be a mom too. My sister was no where as bad as people get either. But at the end of the day she didn't see how much pain and danger she was putting all of us through. Even if someone knows the health risks, they believe it won't happen to them. And at the end of the day, all she cared about was her next high.

In my personal experience and opinion- the only way someone can stop this cycle and battle the addiction is to have a strong desperate desire to stop. You cannot force someone to stop. I don't believe locking up Dawn will help one bit. Windows can be snuck out of and locks can be picked. She needs help and her parents might be able to force her to go to a drug meeting like AA or see a psychologist but at the end of the day if she doesn't choose it- she won't keep it up. And personally, for my sister it took her being told her baby would be taken away by CPS for her to consider going to rehab.

She has been sober for 9 years and 3 months and it has not been a picnic. Withdrawal can be dangerous! It can cause extreme pain, nausea, headaches, etc. And then after that, she removed herself from all her friends who were still using and even her baby because she couldn't take care of her. She spent a year learning how to be a grown up, getting a job and paying bills. She went to AA meetings every night because she wanted desperately to end her depression and pains and she just couldn't do it alone. She did the 12 step program and realized just how much damage she did to everyone around her. She repaid old debts, apologized and combated her demons.  Even as thankful and proud of her sobriety as she is she still does fight temptations to use. The only thing that stops her is her kids.

If Dawn does get to the point where she decides to quit, she will need constant support to be successful. Even then it may take a few tries. But never give up. My niece's aunt.. dear god. Her babies were taken away from her because she was so messed up she forgot to feed them. She forgot to buy food. She has tried to get sober 4 times before being put into jail as an accomplice for an attempted murder.. she came out after 5 years sober. She hasn't looked back and keeps pressing forward. She has reconnected to her kids and has become an amazing woman. Note I'm not saying be tolerant of her using, but always have faith that she can achieve sobriety when she decides to. Personally I have seen some amazing turns and know that no matter how long or how hard the battle is- sobriety is achievable.

[theaddict]

with all due respect, i can tell this is all new to you. while none of us can tell you why the both of them turned to "street drugs" to feel "comfortably numb" i can tell you why i chose to abuse pain pills that were given to me by a doctor, legally, at that. but that's neither here nor there.

with you being the step-mother of dawn, i would let your husband and his wife handle the daughter the way they best see fit. you're just as much a part of her life as anyone else, i am sure... but things like this can get sticky. the best piece of advice i think anyone can give to someone in your current situation, would be to support your husband in his decisions. as much as i HOPE you do not take offense to what i am about to say, it only makes sense:  your husband has been her father for 17 years. if he needs your help or advice in any of this, try to just show more support than anything. that's what this entire family needs right now, it sounds like.

if your husband and his ex-wife want to keep them away from her boyfriend, there's a good reason behind that. it may be hard to understand right now, but there's a reason behind everything they are going to be doing with her. and while i don't agree with them imprisoning her in home instead of taking her to get help professionally due to her being a minor - i am sure there is a reason for that as well.

i'll pray for you, and please keep us posted on what happens. if you need anything, just know that we are all here to try and help the best way that we know how.

[theaddict]

sorry, i meant his EX-wife.

[gnarly_1]

heroin is a tuff kick it calls people back more so then other drugs we have a few X-users on our forum that im shure will chime in........im not only an adddict but the father of one her drug was crack and meth we went threw 3 yrs of hell trying to get her clean finialy a near fatal accident and then 2yr in jail she found recovery first off the b/f has to go it rarely works when bf/g/f try to cick together one always folds then the other check into a treatment center ask the court for oneits not plesent detoxing in jail but it will get the job done if there using every thing in them is going to want to score more lastly they got to want to get clean my daughter was put threw 3 of the best rehabs in the state it wasnt till almost getting killed that woke her up to realize meth and crack wasent a lifestyle but a death sentence but they got to want to get clean or your wasting your time they will go back in a month if they dont im all for leaving them in the can to detox then go before the judge and ask for rehab it worth a shot good luck with this may God be with you......Gnarly

[bmdad]

Welcome to the forum. I personally don't have any experience with heroin as I got hooked on pills after an injury but addiction is addiction no matter what the substance.

I think it's great that you are being proactive in arming yourself with knowledge in order to help out. It shows that you not only care for Dawn but also for your boyfriend. I'm sure your boyfriend is also in need of support during this time. As the poster said above it does come down to what he and his ex want to do but there is nothing wrong with you bringing something to the table here. The more people involved, the more info you dig up and that just ups her chances at recovery. So please continue offering your suggestions to your boyfriend. I'm sure at the end of the day he and his ex are going to do what they want to do but it's not going to hurt anything by you offering recommendations.

When it comes to addiction it doesn't matter what you do or how much you do for that person. They will not quit until they are ready to quit. Sure, you can't just sit back and wish them clean. Like "bettermomma" said above, you can't trust an addict. They more you trust the more they try and get away with. I can see where telling her that she can't be around him will just fuel her depression or drive her to use but sobriety rarely works when two addicts are in a relationship. Normally there is a reason for someone wanting to be "numb" but it doesn't always require antidepressants. Even if one does require antidepressants it will take more than just a pill to keep them sober. It takes hard work, dedication and getting to the root cause of why you feel like you have to numb yourself out. The thing is, that person has to be willing to do that hard work and completely dedicated to sobriety.

It's a tough situation to be in. You can't sit back and trust that she is going to get sober. Nothing changes if nothing changes. Being that she is 17 the best option would be to get her into treatment. It may be possible to talk to the judge that is in charge of her pending heroin charges and ask him to court order it. You may be able to get Dawn to go to treatment before hand by telling her that the charges could very well be dropped if she does go to treatment and proves that she is wanting and trying to turn her life around. It may be the only thing that keeps her out of jail.

Dawn's relationship with her boyfriend is toxic. When two addicts are intimately involved with each other they end up feeding off of each other. The timing is rarely so perfect that two addicts want to get clean at the same time. The chance of relapse is always high and if one relapses then the other almost always does also. I know it's going to be hard, if not impossible to keep her away from him especially once she turns 18. I think getting her into treatment is key. If treatment can help her realize that she doesn't want a life like that she may very realize the only way she can move on with her life is by leaving him behind.

There will be others that post throughout the day that will have better advice than what I can offer. There are also a few members on here that aren't addicts but parents of addicts who hopefully notice this post. They will be able to give you advice on how they handled the situation.

If at all possible you should try and get Dawn to come here for support. It's amazing how something will all of a sudden "click" when talking with other addicts.

I wish you the best of luck and hope everything turns out. She is so young and has so much to live for. A life with drugs is no life to live.

Is professional treatment an option?




Brian

[I_Care81862]

I have to say -- this is the best place for advice!  I did a lot of reading over the past week, and the "text book" info doesn't address these types of issues.  Not once could I find something that said -- yes, keep her away from the boyfriend.  

I thank all who have posted the great words of wisdom.  I do believe she is going to need to be in a rehab....and she is covered under her mom's insurance.  I'm not even sure if they've bothered to check because Dawn doesn't want to go.  I said to my boyfriend -- you should get her in there now before she turns 18 (this July).  Or like Brian ("bmdad") suggested, ask the judge to make it a court mandate.

Thanks!  I will keep you all posted on the progress.

[Addicted2long]

Hey there I quit a heavy IV heroin addicted almost 2 months ago now and it was the hardest/best thing ive ever done. For me I used not to get high but actually because I was self medicating for depression and anxiety. I for some reason chose to be my own doctor and before I knew it I was in a $1k a week habit. I spiraled out of control and lost everything. For a while I thought i had control and always said I could stop when I wanted to. But as addicts do we push it back further and further. Before I knew it I had to be doing a shot of dope every 6 hours or I would be in intense wd. By 24 hours I was vomitting and couldnt even get out of bed. I called this life for many years. I justified that it was normal and that I could just pull out when I was ready. What I didnt realize at the time was that I did not have control anymore. I was powerless over my addiction at the time. I had already hit rock bottom and still could not get out of it. I changed the way I did things. For the first time in my life I asked god for forgiveness. I went to my parents and begged for their help. I convinced them that I had made the decision to live. And I promised them that this was the last time I would hurt them and if they helped me by supporting me and taking care of me for awhile I would never be in this spot again. Well I havent gone back since. I had quit 100s of times alone but I never had the support I have now. It took my family, a therapist, NA meetings daily, and jail to finally wake me up. And now that my support system is in place there is nw turning back. Offer your daugher the support she needs and if she choose to take it then be but if not u need to push her away. Trust me when i say that as an addict we may hurt and use the ones we love but we DO love them. And the last thing we want or need is to lose our family. For many people here they have..and some will never get that back. I am lucky enough to have just stopped in the nick of time. I put them thru hell for 7 years straight and I pulled so far away that they really didnt know just how bad it had gotten. Heroin is the nastiest thing I have ever experienced and I dont wish it upon my worst enemies. I pray your daughter has the strength to see what this road leads to. I know shes ytoung and for many it has to play its role and they must hit rock bottom first. But have her come on and read our stories. We are real people with real addictions. This **** destroys ur soul. I have not and never will be the same person. Heroin has changed me forever,.Not all negetively but for the most part its really messed up my head. My depression is worse than it was before and now I am stuck with a boat load of new issues I must battle daily. But when push comes to shove..all that matters to me..is im clean : ). And I know that I will wake up the next morning..something that puzzled me daily in my using days. I dont know how I am still here but I love life and thank god for it. And most of all..my support an family. Never take family for granted. Blood is thicker than wine..and a hella lot thicker than that powdery BS! yuck.

[Addicted2long]

I forgot too mention about the rehab..forcing someone to go to rehab is useless. Not only does the person not want to be there and take it seriously..they will resent you for sending them there. She needs to be convinced and want to go on her own. There are other ways to get her to go than forcing her physcially thru the court system. Start with cutting her out of the family, financially, anything that U give her. But going thru a legal battle is going to do a few things..cause her to become more depressed and use more risking a possible od or suicide (trust me it happen to me), or shes going to move away with her bf to escape from being forced to go. Treat her with respect and sit down and tell her with your heart that you love her, shes your daughter and u want her to get better, Right down all the things u miss about her. All thre changes uve seen in her..and what she is missing in life. Does she have siblings? Have them do the same..u may want to talk to a interventionist. They DO work. It did for me,