Part 2

[swflafun]

My journal is ALWAYS with me and I would strongly suggest anyone that is debating doing this, keep one. I use two highlighter pens, orange and green. Started off with Day 1. I printed it out after 9 days and started hi-lighting the bad in orange and the good in green. It's a very visual reminder (to me) of what I went through and how the pages slowly, ever so slowly, started going from orange to a little green...to more green...to more green. Some of those early days were the hardest of my life. Day 2 and End of Day 2 are the only two green marks for that day. I posted this before, so bare with me if you have read it, but to me it was a war. You have to win the small battles to win the war. Just putting down Day 2 is a victory. You STARTED your day without a drug, a victory. As f'ing miserable as Day 2 was, I managed to put in End of Day 2. Another victory. Day 3 wasn't no bargain, day four either, day 5 either, but there are small glimpses of green. Feelings of knowing in your heart you really are going to do it. These words hold a mesmorizing effect on me now. How many times I wanted to die, how many times I would kill for just "one more pill". The WDs and everything I went through. To be able to wake up one morning, Sat the 15th for me, and KNOW it's done. You've been through hell. You survived it. Who needs another $%^&ing pill now? Not I.

Thanks to all that have lended support to me. In my first post I said that you have no idea how you may influence someone that doesn't even post, that would be me, but THEY DO. I'm living, sober and happy proof of that.

I know I'm not done, still have some things ahead of me, but I am ready for the next step. Relapse to me is so NOT an option, I could never conceive of going through this again. And yes, everytime you relapse, it DOES get harder to quit. REMEMBER that! I know.

If you made it this far, hope your not blind! ;)

Gary

[swflafun]

Hey Bob,

I'm right here. Day 12. Life is good. Working (still here), not sleeping much, but hey, what you gonna do? Don't want to take more than the .5mg xanax, so I am getting used to 2 hours sleep. No probs with energy. Guess I got a (little) lucky on that point. I followed the moved post. I guess you saw my profile pic? ha-ha. You know what that is. Banged up one, but my talisman nonetheless.

I'm very good. Tomorrow will be better. And so on. :)

Gary

[eyeofhorus2010]

Gary, you still doing okay? Haven't seen a post from you yet today and hoping you haven't disappeared. Did you see the stuff I post about turtles in the thread that got moved to the Social Community? Turtles are good MoJo.

Talk to you soon, right?
Bob,

[gnarly_1]

HI Gary Glad to see you made it to the other side its great not being chained to a pill bottle
after doing it myself with both pills and methadone I consider it one of my greates achievements in life that being said I agree 100% with what Sara said about aftercare
the mind will play games with you....you need to learn how to deal with that or it will just lead you back to another addiction what ever it may be...as addicts it is the very way we think that needs to change to overcome this disease so plug into aftercare and beet it once and for all I wish you all the best in your recovery good luck and God bless.....Gnarly  

[swflafun]

After 25 years of various addictions, I am well aware of the "hard part". I have done it numerous times with my DOC, just have never had the miserable physical and mental dependency that these pills had over me. Never in my life have I gotten sick from NOT using, like these have done to me. And I was a whopper of a user, beyond belief to some.

This is my recovery care, outside support, whatever you may chose to call it. I'm not one to do meetings, it's just not me.

We all have secrets, some bigger than others. What I have done can not be explained to my folks. It's impossible. Both in their 70s and as far as they are concerned, aspirin is abusing drugs. Maybe someday I will talk about it, but for now, I'm quite content to leave it as is. I know I'm hard-headed, don't take offense, I read and consider every post. This is just how I have to do it.

I'm happy. I'll take this for now. Thanks for posting, you were on one of my firsts I believe, a little fuzzy back there, but I am grateful.

scoenen - Be tough, hang in, post here. I never would of imagined that I would turn to a forum like this, but here I am. Happy and sober. Plan on many, many, many more years of it. Life has expanded greatly. My day doesn't start with how many do I have, how many do I need to buy....you know this story. I wish I could say it's easy, it's not. Get all the Thomas recipe you can, it does work. The only outside advice I can give is a Tourettes patient told me to try Hydroxycut, it's a diet supplement available at Walgreens. I've been taking that for a few days and it has really helped my energy and focus (why the Tourettes guy takes it). It's not speed, don't even think it, but it has helped me. $25 for 21 servings, but well worth the money in my book. Wish you the best. There are plenty of totally unselfish people here really that want to help. Take advantage of it. Abuse it if you have to. That's why we are ALL here. Contact me private if you need. Since this has started, I am on the web 24/7 it seems like. Between my phone and 'puter, I'm racking up the hours and am thrilled to do it! Best of luck, don't think you are ever alone, this place is just waiting for someone like you that wants to end the addiction and be happy again. :)

Gary

[dominosarah]

I read both of these and am not blind!!

First i want to congratulate you on getting clean.  This isnt an easy task to do but you did.  Now for the advice!!  You know we say getting clean is the easy part, staying clean is the hard one.  Addiction is a very mental game.  It attacks when we least expect it.  Using is just a symptom of what is really going on in our heads.  Here comes the recovery speech!!  Getting some form of recovery care really is vital to our success.  We have buried many demons and we need to face them as they do surface and raise he!! with our mind.  It is painful to face these but so worth it and necessary.  We can be clean and survive but the goal here is to be clean and really live.  I am going thru my own he!! right now and the tears just keep coming but you know what?  I am allowing myself to feel this pain and for that i am grateful.  I also hope at some point you will tell your secret as our secrets keep us sick.  I hope you will think about what i have said, it's not the gospel, just a pointers that have helped me get to where i am at~sara

[scoenen]

thank you for sharing your story.  i am just starting my withdrawals and your story really gives me hope.  you should be proud of yourself because i sure am!  congrats on your clean time!!!!