Please, any advice with son's drug use??

Hello,
I'm hoping someone who understands addiction could help.  My 21 yr. old son is an addict.  He's been in rehab a few times in the past 4 years. His drug of choice is mainly marijuana, but he's used cocaine, oxcy and various other drugs and he drinks.  Over the last month... he began drinking a lot, smoking pot a lot, snorting coke and doing a bit of this or that (I'm not sure).  He was also given  Klonopin for anxiety and Ritilan (or focalin) for ADHD and Ativan to help him sleep about a month ago!  I'm not sure if he's using the ritilan or ativan all the time.  His new pdoc prescribed these meds, even though I faxed his history to tell him my son is an addict and shouldn't use these drugs but he wouldn't listen.  I think my son may also be bipolar or it's another mood disorder. I have written comments on that site as well.  I do know it's typical that drug and alcohol addiction can go hand in hand with some sort of mood disorder and many use drugs to mask their pain from this.  It's not easy to get a diagnosis and many go misdiagnosed with addiction until the underlying issues are treated. Then there's also the denial you have any illness if diagnosed and this might be what my son is fighting as well. I really don't know.

Anyway, my son lives 6 hours away from me and all his other family. He is going to college but he's not passing. He's spent 3 years wasting his time in school. His dad (my ex husband) gave him another chance to pass classes in college because this past year he had a girlfriend and wanted to stay there. Last week they just broke up and his girlfriend moved out and my son's drug use has become out of control again. His dad has always enabled him financially. He pays for his apartment and car. Our son works part time to help with expenses but he's always broke. He's also about to lose his part time job by the sound of what's going on lately. His dad knows nothing about how bad things are with him using drugs again.  His dad can be verbally abusive and very controling. He calls his son cruel names and it cause's him to use more drugs and fall apart emotionally.  I don't want to say anything to his dad in fear if his dad threatens and says cruel things my son could do something drastic because his mind isn't thinking clearly right now.

I have always been my son's lifeline. He calls and vents and usually tells me everything, sometimes more than I want to hear about his drug use.  Day and night, he can get very upset and goes from saying no one likes him and he feels so alone.. to very angry or to being fine with friends.  Yes, it's typical ups and downs of an addict (and/or whatever else he's coping with)...but how can I help my son when he calls me like this?  I am worried if cut him off he might do something to harm himself and hearing he's ok also helps me get through the night. My husband helps and supports me but there is nothing he can do.  I couldn't bare that my son didn't have somewhere to call to vent when he's feeling really low, which is often lately.  It's also difficult for me, I worry and don't get enough sleep.  It's only a matter of time his dad will find out. He already suspects it and he will cut our son off from the car and apartrment once he knows it's true. That's ok but I hate to see him be on the street and so far away from home. He was cut off last January 07 but had his girlfriend to live with and he finally went into rehab. We would always be willing to get him help but if he doesn't want it, because he's not in his right mind, what else can we do?  Do we just let him go on the street if he won't agree to get help? How does any parent live through that and not feel terrible if something happens to them?

What worked for some of you to finally want help?  Was it hitting bottom or did you have a parent that helped you?  If so, how did they get you to agree to rehab or to stop using drugs? I know it has to be his choice but any ideas on what might help is appreciated.

Any words of wisdom and advice is appreciated...thanks!

A worried and tired mom,
Dmom55

[IBKleen]

Hello and Welcome!

I can hear your pain as you type. I have to ask, after rehab..did he get aftercare treatment? I ask because this is a lifetime disease and needs lifetime treatment. If he stops working on his problem, he will start using again. That is my experience.

I know he is your son and I also agree with tough love. But until he has all the treatment that is available, well...I don;t think you will turn him out.

So, what happened after the inpatient treatment?

[cathy5841]

hi, so sorry to hear about your son...i can relate, been there.  my daughter is 23.  she is clean now, and as hard as it was she had to hit bottom.  i had to go the tough love route, not easy..i love her.  she now has a baby is doing great, but it took time.  you have to make them responsible for themselves and their actions.  if they use drugs they suffer the consiquences, whatever they are.  if you enable them they will never get to the bottom.  you are not alone, i feel your pain.  keep posting and you will get more replys.
i will keep you in my prayers.
cathy

[Dmom55]

To IBKleen:  Thank you for your reply.  My son has had inpatient and outpatient treatment and once in 2003 was help on a 5150 because of a drug induced manic state.  Last year he left the inpatient 2 weeks early but was doing well until last month. He has seen vairous pdocs and therapist but he never sticks with them.  I have provided aftercare treatment with a therapist and pdoc and he's gone to NA...but he quits after a few months and feels he's doesn't need it after awhile. Being an adult, there's not much we can do, other than be here when he decides to get help.  You're right, it's a life time disease but he's in denial right now. Thank you for your comments.

Cathy: I'm very happy to hear your daughter is doing well now!  I do agree with you, he has to be made responsible. I have to let him fall or he will never get help!  His dad (my ex) bails him out a lot.  He has been in denail and thinks throwing money at him and paying for his education will change things. This has made it hard for my husband and I to do what we know is best for my son. His dad is at the end of his rope and it's only a matter of time he'll cut our son off until he agrees to get help.

Today I feel stronger and realize I can't allow my son to destroy my life along with his. What is most difficult is when he phones late at night crying his eyes out. After I try to console him, I lay awake all night worrying.  Funny but it seems when he's more angry or acts more that he doesn't need anyone, I don't feel as bad. Although, the nights are the worst. Some how this has to stop. One way or another we'll get through this.  

I thank you so much for your support!

Thanks for your prayers and my prayers go back to you as well!
Dmom55

[daisy8219]

My son is 26 yrs old and I just don't know what to do  This is his 3rd time in rehab for heroin he lost his job his apt and his girlfriend of 6 yr he has a dui pending .....I went to his apt after finding out about his job loss and he admitted he was using and suicidal He asked if he could go get help and move back in with me but we have been there and done that I just don't know what to do .... He is rehab currently and I am afraid to have hime live with me ..I have been robbed and lied to and I am afraid he will hurt himself and afraid this will not work again ....
I just feel like if he starts gain I am going to have to throw him out on the street ..... any suggestions

[vicki595]

Hi there- These situations are always so sad...
Letting him stay with you would really be enabling him. Maybe there are other ways like being supportive and encouraging. You can't lose!  He should be encouraged to get a new job,and a new apt. It may take time and he may be in a one room apt for awhile but, at least it's his and should make him feel good.

Has he continued with rehab or aftercare the other two times?  He needs to do that, as well.  It will keep him accountable or at least help.

Stay in touch!

[daisy8219]

thanks vicky I do appreciate it It gets very frustrating and depresses me to no end .... I hope this time does work he has followed up afterward with outpt 90 meetings in 90 days etc but never seems to last ....I am trying and am going to encourage him but right now he has no where to go after rehab will keep you updated

[vicki595]

The rehab facility can work to get him into a "sober house" or half way house.There are many avenues to go down and they come with restrictions, of course. He wouldn't be homeless if he took advantage of some of the programs. There's a lot out there and you could research it yourself. I would be more inclined to throw some money at a place like that instead of supporting him at home. It's much healthier for everyone. Most don't require money but you know what I'm saying...

Mention this to him; I'm sure he's aware of what's available. A person needs to really commit to getting clean and it may take a long time. But, balanced against the rest of his life, it's worth the time and effort!