Please any advice?

[jimimiddlefinger]

I am a 46 year old father of 3. I have been battling a year+ long oxy habit. I hurt my back in 2002 and was prescribed Lorcet plus. This became more of a habit than pain relief and the use began to escalate. After moving to Utah I began buying privately. This habit has been on again off again but a year and a few months solid. Amazingly I have been able to keep it somewhat moderate anyway. I was up to a 40 a day. I AM DONE with this garbage. I have wasted time and untold amount of $$ and I am so sick and tired this thing. It controls every aspect of my life. I have been so scared of the WDs for months but now I am more frightened of continuing. I have been laid off since the fall but my father left my brother and I some money. It has been a curse that has kept me from waking up and realizing something needs to be done now. While my brother has put his in investments and has probably $200,000 or so in the bank I have virtually nothing left. And rent is due and bills are due and this guy is calling me...and I don't want anything. I just want my life back. I used to have a pretty good life. I quit once at 25 and then again a few months later at 30ish. I do not know if I should taper at this amount or just say to h**l with it and bite the bullet. I have a few things to help but I don't know if it's ok to mention them. I am ready and since my friend (we'll call him that even though he is no friend) is the only person I know with stuff, I hope I can keep my head pulled out. So any help, advice, criticism (please feel free to call me a dumba**) would be greatly appreciated. Also If you all don't mind if I hang out here while I'm getting thru this...that would be great.

Many thanks,
Jimi

[buddycrunch]

So here i am returning to this website.  I posted way up there in june 2010,  know this is an old thread butt...  I quit in 2010 and no-brother-good-inlaw is always pestering, (even tried to turn him back in summer 2010).  Problem with quitting is the original pains returned.

I had cancer tumors removed in December 2011, was on morphine for three days and came home with 20 of 5mg hydrocodones, hadn't felt so good and pain free in over a year.  AND wouldn't ya know on Christmas day no-brother-good-in-law gives me a hand full of oxy's.   Yep, 8 more months of feeling like a dumba** out $5,000.00   I quit again first of septeber, 2012.  WD's weren't too bad BUT the damn pain in back, legs and wrists as well as seasonal depression has returned.  I'm seven weeks clean, doing the epsom salt baths every other day, lots of fruits and veggies radomly walking etc, but this october cold weather change has me nearly disabled with pain.  I'm self employed and kids have grown and moved out but come by to ask "what's wrong" and why I don't get something from a doc for pain.

My reason for posting is....  I need all your help resolving this pain, nearly every joint gets it at time, even my hands today.  I've admitted my problem to the local small town doc so he won't scribe anything for me, I'm leary of scripts anyway, I want to keep my kids and get my life & job back and pain under control without no-brother-good-inlaw.  

[jstntime]

Glad to hear you still hanging in there Jimi,

Sounds like you're hard on the equipment!!!!  It's good to know your absence was computer related!!!

Great job hanging in there and update when you can,

bob

[jimimiddlefinger]

Hey NGB , glad to hear you're doing so well. I'm hangin on but this morning I tripped over the cord to my laptop, pulled it off my coffee table and broke the screen. It'll take 4-5 days to get a new screen from HP. Then I'll have to figure out how to put the damn thing on lol. I'm on my ex's computer now and I can read msgs from my fone web. But it don't have the memory to respond. But I'll check in from the ex's when I can. Take care and thanks for thinkin about me.

Increase the peace

[NorcBgone]

Just checking on you today? I've finally turned a corner and have more hope than not. Hope you're hanging in there!

[jimimiddlefinger]

NBG doin fine, hope your doin ok. Not as good as earlier though. Real worn out. Maybe it was that Clonadine. Gonna go take a hot bath and lay down. Go easy...

Bob- Yeah I am happy with what I've got through so far. I just worry about the future. It's all good that I will not seek out oxys and avoid any temptation at all costs. But if I was at say Wal mart and some one came up to me and said "hey I just found this I think you dropped it" and it was a OC 40, I really can't say with any confidence I wouldn't take it. Scary stuff. But yeah gotta start somewhere and here I am lol. Thanks for the encouragement..

peace

[NorcBgone]

hey jimi - how are you tonight? any light at the end of the tunnel showing? I'm gonna try to walk my dogs again and get out before dark. Glad you got your car washed I know that was a huge task in itself.

[jstntime]

Hey Jimi,

Don't worry about 2 weeks from now.  You will feel light years ahead of how you do now.  The fact you slept 5-6 hours is a great sign.

Laughing is such a help when doing this.  I remember a certain friend here welcoming me as an addict!!! ha ha  Wow, not really funny but it DID make me laugh at the time.  No need to feel like a broken spirit when doing something for yourself that is so entirely POSITIVE!!!  Keep your chin up.

You should be proud NOW.  The only way to accumulate significant clean time is to start SOMEWHERE!!!

It's all yours Jimi, wishing it for you.

bob

[cpdave]

Theres your thread hope your doin ok

[jimimiddlefinger]

Many thanks. I'll be proud of me when I'm clean as long as some of you people here. If I feel the slightest bit better tomorrow I'm going to the Sunday NA/AA at the restaurant where my daughter works. My fear of what I'll do in two weeks is actually bigger than my fear of how crappy I will feel tonite or tomorrow.I know, one day at a time right? But I gotta start think about this in long term mode..

[LeaAnn807]

You can keep going!  You've made it this far, right?  It will be over before you know it!

So, so, so proud of you!!!

[jimimiddlefinger]

Thanks Bob, my kid help with that attitude. And I find it easy to laugh at times, that makes it better. I always have been kind of a simple, easily amused type of guy.

I want to let everyone who's helping with advice and encouragement know how greatful I am. And that I consider this DAY 2! Yes I was in wd's thursday cuz I took the last 2 hydros I had but I am talking drug free. SO 2 it is....Hurray and such!

Oh D_S, yes I was up till the birds were chirping. But slept till just now. 5-6 hrs I feel blessed. Do I feel like a million bucks? No. Can I keep going? Yeah I think I can..

[Dump_Subs]

The insomnia is rough.  Do youstay in bed or walk around the house an wait for the birds to chirp at 4:25am this time of year?  Hang in there Jimi, not sure what the answer is.  I just try to avoid getting angry/ frustrated.  When I get frustrated I want to take some kind of pill!

[jstntime]

Hey Jimi,

So happy to hear you hanging in there,

You have a "get it done" attitude that will really help you.  You aren't getting freaked out and you seem to understand all that this process entails.

You are setting yourself up for success and we are all pulling for you still,

bob

[jimimiddlefinger]

Not too awfully bad Gnarly, thanks for asking. Took a soak and the first .01 clonadine. I was gonna wait on that but actually I got curious and my dr. did prescribe the so I figured it was the best thing. I can honestly say 48 hrs in I don't feel completely horrible. Just really crappy lol. I am taking alot of inspiration from the encouragement here and other peoples posts. I'll hang in there and be around in spite of the fact I am going to go way over on my wireless plan. That's cool I need to be here. I think the extra $$ will be worth it.

Peace

[gnarly_1]

how you holding up Jimi ?

[NorcBgone]

Take a soak for me too....All I have for now is HOT showers, but anything is better than nothing. How are the chickens? :-)

[jimimiddlefinger]

you too NBG! I'm gonna go soak for awhiles and try to eat. I've got to conserve my MB but I gotta be on here too. I'll be up till 3-4 I'm sure. If you happen to have insomnia (happen to lol) maybe I'll chat @ ya then!

[NorcBgone]

Honey, i don't think any plan to sit by a stream in a cool shade is dumb right now. Maybe i misread your post, but i can't hardly focus right now so that's what i got from your comment. AND, that's what i'm going  to think about for the next 5 minutes until my mind takes over again. you stay strong!

[jimimiddlefinger]

Holy crap I have pupils again! Giant ones! Noticed that while I was in brushing my teeth. even that was a stuggle. I feel like I'm dragging around this giant sack of rocks. I really think my having to deal w/ all the stuff at me ex's (dogs, cats, chickens) helped alittle. I got up and moving, sweating even. Can't say I feel good but I think if I had layed around all day I'd feeling alot worse. SO I gotta get thru the wekend. My plan is to pretend I went drinking tonite (I know weird, but let me explain). Before I was a pill head I was an alcoholic. Sometimes I would go out on friday nite and REALLY tie one on. Then I'd lay around suffering sat and sun. Since I was a supervisor where I worked, I'd just call my boss mondays and take a "sick day". I'd drive up to the mountains in my truck and sit by a stream in the cool shade. Monday will be 5....dumb plan? Feel free to say so.

[jimimiddlefinger]

Sorry I didn't get back sooner. I stayed at my ex's house taking care of her animals. Her computer is passworded and I couldn't get ahold of her to get the pw. So I soaked in her giant tub. Slept ok, ate alittle, drank a ton of Gatorade. Watched movies on On Demand. Doin ok but I'm sure it will get much worse. Gotta go and check on everything they are headed back from Wyo. So I'll post a little later. This could not come at a worse time cuz my verizon package only allows 5200 mb a month. It rolls over on the 22nd and I'm at 4849mb as of right this minute. So I probably cant post as much as I like. Well maybe I'll just go over anyway. Damn youtube movies they eat up alot of mb lol. ok I gotta go chase some chickens..

peace

[jimimiddlefinger]

Hey man ya I will be in and out so I'm sure we will chat. Good luck on your journey!

[Dump_Subs]

Jimi, you told your daughter...and you are in full wd's???   Proud of ya!  You are a better man than me.  If I told my wife, she would prob say say the same thing.  Ahh duh, you have been dragging your *** around here for 12 days ( I thank you) and your flu like symptoms are still going ( in mid June mind you), but we continue the charade that I don't tell her and she pretends not to notice that I haven't slept in almost two weeks.  With that said, I am doing okay ( sort of).  This site really keeps me focused.  It is my someone to talk to so that I am not alone.  I agree with others who say that you will not wake up one day ( after two hours of sleep) and say I'm cured, but for me the last few days have I have had really good moments, so much so that I look in mirror smile and say you did it.  BUT the next day ( today in fact) I nearly had a nervous breakdown.  Panic stricken at work.  But calmed down with b12 said to myself, again from reading,  that this is a long process, and it might even be a year before I never have bad days, but whatever it takes I will do.  For five years it has all been foggy.  Anytime your friend says something dumb like hey I got a great deal for you, come write read and get through wd's.  U can do it!!!!!!

[gnarly_1]

Hey dude well you finely took the plunge ...good for you your on your way to getting set free now...remember try and keep a good attitude going it will be more helpful then it seams...also this is a battle one or lost in ones own mind..so dont let fear into the equation and yes...your going to make it ...its just going to take some perseverance
if you have any pills left flush them...make sure all narcotics are well out of reach
in your darkest moments you dont want to take anything to try and feel better
YOU CAN DO THIS....just hang in there and in about a week things will look a lot brighter remember its only temporary...OOO  walgreens also carys the highlands restful legs stuff...I wish you luck on your journey ..keep posting for support where all out here for you......Gnarly    

[NorcBgone]

Yes, Walmart will have Hylands. i purchased it today. I'm on day 1 and looking forward to being miserable because I know from seeing all the posts over the past few weeks that there is hope! I've read some of your story and sending you the little strength I have and a lot of hope. I certainly need it, and if you need to chat I'm sure I'll be awake!