Please don't end up like me

I am on day 9 and I have been helped so much getting this far with the support and kind words from people on this site. I thought perhaps I could give back a little bit by sharing my experience in the hope that it might help someone. Thirty years ago I was hit by a drunk driver who ran a red light. I tore off my foot and broke my back among other things. It was all put back together using screws and plates with a few surgeries that year and more recently, some re-building surgery. Well of course it hurt and when a new doctor would see my x-rays they had no problem prescribing opiates. Well thirty years later I can look back and see that I have been addicted at every level, from thinking I had a big problem taking six vic's a day,  to regularly taking large amounts of fentanyl and morphine, to binging out on 4000 mgs of oxycontin per day for a week, as well as even worse things I'm not going to talk about. I've been on and off methadone and suboxone. I did a five year drug study taking tramadol daily and giving blood every week. And I've actually been clean many times for various amounts of time. And so I've been through different levels of withdrawal many, many times. From all this I have some observations that might help some people.
First - there is no way to quit without some pain. It can be ameliorated with a little tapering and then using something like the Thomas formula which can be found on this site, but the paralyzing fear of withdrawal that is a symptom of addiction so often causes people to do things that only get them in deeper. Methadone, and to a lesser extent suboxone are really meant for people who have done real damage to their receptor systems.  And although I think suboxone can be a great tool for those of us who have lost all control of their addictions; If your addiction involves swallowing pills you will save yourself a world of hurt if you avoid the fallacy of switching drugs to get clean. I know there are people here who swear by switching and tapering, but if you have the self-discipline to taper quickly off methadone you could have it to taper off your pills.
Second - Again, the terrifying fear of withdrawl (withdrawal) is a powerful symptom of addiction. An addict brain is capable of tearing a body apart trying to get it's owner to cave in and give up the struggle to not use. So why care if I call those symptoms physical cravings instead of withdrawls? Well because cravings can be fought. I've heard people relate that WD in jail or in rehab wasn't as bad as they thought it would be. If you put yourself in a situation where you cannot possibly get drugs and you commit to getting through it some of those symptoms go away. I once put myself in a cabin deep in the woods in Mississippi with ten days before I could fly home, no vehicle, and constant supervision. I used a version of the Thomas formula and pretty much slept through WD from a morphine equivalent habit of about 500 mgs per day. Don't let fear of withdrawal keep you from quitting!
Third - I've learned that I cannot quit or stay quit if I keep secrets. The people around you know or suspect way more than you think every time. If you ask them for help they will help. People are remarkably forgiving if they think you are doing your best and they will often measure that by how honest you are with them. Don't let the fear of what people will think keep you from quitting.
Final - So it's all about fear isn't it? I need to take my own advice here and conquer my fears enough to live. Good luck all.  

[Brokenbutglued]

Thank you for this! This is some great insight and this helps tremendously!!! The fear of withdrawal was something my husband mentioned before we started on his detox journey two days ago. I couldn't understand why he was feeling that way when he knew this was for the best...but now I get it! Thank you! And yes, he was afraid to tell me the truth. He was afraid I'd leave. I'm not going to leave as long as he wants help..because that tells me he DOES want to live, he does want to try and he IS putting himself and his family above some stupid pills! To me, knowing he has an addiction problem, that is a real gift and a honor. I am so proud of him! Kolo, I'm proud of you too!! You have real courage, many of you here do! Please continue to be more than your fears, each one of you are worth it! *hugs to all*

[ZJILLIAN]

Oh my God! A wonderful post. Everyone who visits this site should read it! Thank you for telling us your story. I guess all of your struggles have brought you to this very wise place.

So many of the people who post are frightening themselves to death about WD. These are the same people who would take just about anything without a second thought. I've gone through withdrawals in institutions and the loss of control for me was terrifying but the overall experience was easier than doing it on my own. I think you are right about the fear of addiction being a powerful symptom of addiction. I never thought of it that way. I think about the drug as a cunning seducer who changes disguises and speaks often in your own voice to keep you using.

Thank you again for your post.

[Inaka]

Thank you so much for noticing and commenting on the deepest underlying issue that fuses addiction, continuance, WD and relapse. I have a question that is directed at you directly and I rarely seek advice from others as I think I have my body and mind figured out, which is a narcissist's and an addict'smost perverse way of assuming control. I just quit all opiates cold turkey (methadone and H) and after 2 weeks relapsed for no reason but that it is still available, easily found, and I am a blue print of my city. I was planning to be going through cold turkey in POLAND in order to be far away from temptations but I wanted to get it done now so I could still make some money before re-starting my life in Poland. If moving to Poland would end my relapsing and cravings I would do so now, I would crawl through the gates if need be, but people say you cant run away from your addictions and problems which discourages me from planning this new life outside of the states. You spoke in your post about isolating yourself in a cabin, or being locked up in a facility or a jail, all of those helping with the healing process. Is the fact that I am still int he same room, apartment, city, country perpetuating these relapses.  I feel like everything in Chicago reminds me  of it...should i just stop planning and go? Jump a plane and save my life in Europe? Does that make sense?

[NorcoQueenoftheUniverse]

I heard that doing a GEOGRAPHICAL (i.e. MOVING to a different place) is JUST THAT.. you've MOVED... but your BRAIN went with you....

You have to get in your BRAIN and get to the CORE of your addiction... It ain't easy but it WILL save your life AND your LIFE is WORTH IT!

[NorcoQueenoftheUniverse]

regarding the above post..

I DIDN'T mean to sound so HARSH... it's just that I have a passion to help people... any way that I can...and.. some times my words just don't come out right and/or sound nice... I apologize for that....

God Bless you on your journey and keep us posted as I KNOW you can do this!

Much love and MANY PRAYERS,
NorcoQueen

[kolo13]

Wonderful Broken, I was thinking of you when I began writing this. I have been touched by your earnest efforts to understand and help your husband. The things you've written gave me needed insight into what I've put my wife through. Obviously we're a little further down the road than you. I would do anything to even have a chance at maybe helping you and your husband avoid some of the things we've been through. If he ever gets to the point where he wants to get online and talk to someone I would be more than happy to talk to him. Good luck. And thank you so much for your help and hugs. <3 <3 <3

[kolo13]

Thank you Zjillian, I think your image of the cunning seducer who speaks in our own voice is just perfect. I think it is so difficult for all of us to avoid underestimating how clever we can be in coming up with the reasons that we just have to use one more day.

[kolo13]

Hi Inaka, I was a little worried about sounding like I was giving advice. Based on my track record I might be the last person om the planet to advise anyone. And I totally agree with Norcoqueen that moving geographically doesn't help if you listen to your addict brain when you get there. You can find dope anywhere in the world. But it is also true that location and acquaintances can be easily changed to help you start the hard work of changing how you think. I think you might listen carefully to see if it is your cunning addict brain that is keeping you where you are or giving you a reason to use another day. Honestly I don't know what will make sense for you except to say that whatever you can do to stop using is a good idea and reading between the lines I suspect you already know some of the things you could do. Good luck, I'm praying for you.

[kolo13]

Thank you Norcoqueen for pointing out out what was kind of a major omission on my part. I don't think it sounded harsh. I was really trying to point out that a type of surrender and commitment can help overcome the fear of withdrawal that manifests itself physically and makes it harder to get through. A change of location won't magically get you that commitment. But I have found that any little thing I can do to make it harder to give in to temptation has the potential to help me get a little closer to making that commitment.

[Brokenbutglued]

Aww thank you so much Kolo! I'll be sure to let him know! You've been such a wonderful help *bear hugs*

[Inaka]

Gotcha. The reason it (traveling/location swap) might make a big difference in my life is because i left poland when i was 10 years old and even though i have been there every year since I do not have "connects," I do not know how that would even work there, where i would go, and i dont have that many friends in the country' poland symbolizes to me calmness and re-birth (and i am NOT a spiritual or religious person, so using that word is a big deal to me). whenever i go there i never use. i have gone to poland to detox before and found it easier (dropped from 50mg to 20mgs of methdone in 2 weeks). So I feel like I would be putting a band -aid on fresh clean skin
Thank you for your direct advice, combining all little things toward the goal of sobriety will cause success rate to inch forward a bit more, eventually spilling over and eventually I can be sober in the middle of the Afghan poppy seed farm. ;)

[kolo13]

...

[ImGettingClean]

bump...Nice post

[leeisgettingclean]

extremly well written post...I LOVE IT...it needs to be read  by many... I agree that many are so scared of w/ds that they either keep usin or they go to sub or meth, I am not going to start the great debete here but i also beleive this is for a hard core long term user and hope many dont fall in the trap

[qiut4myself]

Great post, very well written! A must read for everyone on here. For me now I am not afraid anymore, I am free and all the wd pain and suffering was worth it to be free. Now I have to stay free, that is what I know I have to do.  Kolo, I hope the best for you, peace.
I think as far as moving away inaka, you have to relearn to do things without your doc. It is like you have to do everything a few times sober and clean and your brain relearns to do it without being high. It is this way for me anyway, JMO

[bmdad]

An amazing post! I'm sure most or all of us can relate to the fear part. Thanks for a great post and I wish you the best of luck! Keep up the great fight!
Brian

[Holliee]

That was a wonderful post wow, Thanks for posting that I enjoyed reading it.

[kolo13]

?

[gnarly_1]

dude....all I can say is WOW what truth you speak you speak form your heart
and people here need to know that addiction is not a cakewalk that there is some
pain involved with getting clean your stint on the fear of withdrawals hit a note with
me...I was absolutely petrified of what my final withdrawals would be like and they
where ruff but not nearly as ruff as i anticipated im now going on day10 free from
the methadone ball and chain ....im still feeling the withdrawals but it is getting
better each day as I have said b/4 this stuff just doesent like to let go of you
but i feel it loosing its grip  ....annyway your post was ausum keep posting
good luck and god bless ...Gnarly
  

[kolo13]

Hey gnarly,  I've been following your thing here a little bit. Way to go on getting this far. I see you've been giving people good advice. Maybe we can help some of these folks from getting in any deeper. I'm praying that I can make this work this time for myself. Keep up the good work.

[kolo13]

Hey quit4, congratulations on your freedom. All you folks who have done this give me hope.

[GottaQuit]

This is a "MUST READ" for anyone STRUGGLING with ANY addiction regardless the substance!!  I think about this EVERY SINGLE DAY since posted.

PLEASE keep posting ... You're an incredible help to MANY!

Endless Thx!

[qiut4myself]

bump

[Lisa034]

This is a great post however, I must disagree that you should not go to methadone or sub even just to switch and taper. Your exact words were "If you have the self discipline to taper quickly off methadone you could taper off the pills."  I love you but I must disagree with this statement.  There is a huge difference in tapering at home with a bottle of pills and tapering in a controled enviroment!!!!  There is no way I had the will power to taper.  NO WAY!!!!  I had a 60 pill a day habbit and methadone has saved my life!!!!  I am not trying to start a debate or anything but I tried cold turkey and ended up in the hospital almost dead for real. I have only been on the done since March of this year and I am now down to 10mgs and will be done with it this week.  I know I am not the norm but I also know I am not the only one. I do love the rest of your post and I do agree with everything else that you said.  Sorry to disagree but it hit home for me.
Sending my love
Lisa034
Jacksonville,FL  

[kolo13]

Yes, I tried to leave myself an out there by referring to "those of us who have lost control of our habits", but maybe it wasn't enough to cover your situation and some others. Because I do believe that there are many ways to approach this and anything that works is all good. I was trying particularly to reach, however, some of the many people I've listened to on this site whose habits maybe aren't as big as yours got (or mine) who are considering taking higher doses of stronger drugs to try to quit. All out of fear of withdrawal, which will still be there waiting for them. Good job though finding a way that is working for you. And the truth is I really wrote this for myself. I've made so many mistakes and I am trying very hard, this time, to be honest with myself and end my slavery. Thank you, good luck.

[Lisa034]

You are right I do agree with you thats why I said I am not the norm.  I respect and have much love for you and your journey!!!!!  I just did not want anyone to get the wrong impression. To me as long as you are moving forward and your ultimate goal is recovery then however you get there is ok with me.  To be honest, when I think back Did I really want to be clean when I went there or was it that it was a cheeper way for me not to be sick.  I dont know what clicked in my brain but somewhere along the line I decieded that it was time to get clean and live a good, honest and sober life.  I do not regret a second of it because everything that I have been thru yesterday made me who I am today!!!
I have mad love and much respect for you!!!
Lisa034
Jacksonville,FL

[kolo13]

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