Please help - addicted to Methadone and scared to death

[chell344]

Hi, I have been going to a methadone clinic for over 7 years and currently take 55mgs a day.  I did great there for about 2 years, never even interested in taking anything and was a fully functioning adult.  See I joined the clinic because I was taking anywhere from 30-60 perc10's a day.  I didn't know where else to go, and a friend recommended the clinic (to be honest I didn't know anything about methadone - at all.  I have never tried heroin before, or even oxy's).  So I joined the clinic and was originally at 90mgs but found that I was to tired all the time so I cut back to 55mgs in 3 months (that was kinda hard, but I did it).  So jump forward to now - I am so addicted to methadone, I am embaressed to say that I have now gone to a pain doctor to get an addition prescription of methadone.  I get 150 5mg pills a month.  And I continue to go to the clinic daily (yes, I realize I am running the risk of getting arrested for doing this) to get my 55mgs.  But when I get my 150 5mg pills, I take all of the them in 4 days, and still go to the clinic for those 5 days as well.  I am not trying to "look cool", I am in serious trouble... I have taken over 720mgs in a day and have been conscious but have no memory of that day.  It's like, if I have the medication, I have to take it... I will tell myself each day - don't take more than just the 55mg I get from the clinic but i never stick to it... So on 2/1/12, I went to a detox facility to get off the methadone completely!  I was there for 2 weeks and though the first 5-7 days were hard, they gave me blood pressure meds and additional non-narcotic meds to help with the pain and withdrawal.  After the 7th day, I was alive -  feel so great that I wanted to drop down on my knees and thank my brother (he died of cancer at 33 and was my best friend, plus I talk to him when I get scared, and he is my rock).  So for the rest of my detox stay I did a 180, I was friendly and laughed and had energy and spoke to people, basically came out of my shell.  Then when the 2 weeks were over, I begged them to let me go to a 30 inpatient treatment center but they said i can do it outpatient.  I am the kind of user that doesn't hang out with other people, I just stay at home (I work from home full time) and isolate myself.  So when the detox was over, I feel right back into my routine of staying in my house by myself.  I was supposed to go to AA/NA meeting but again, I am really shy so I felt out of place when I went to the meetings.  So now I am back at the clinic going everyday and I soooo want to stop but don't know how I can do it.  I have Lupus so I do get really sick at times and that is also a crutch for me if I want to try and get some sympathy and get my methadone.... So what I am basically saying is I would just like some advice or thoughts on what I should do.... I have taken over 43 Xanax's before in an attempt to end my life but I woke up and that didn't work.... It's coming to the end of the road for me and I am scared because I don't see a future for me.... Please help

[Donewiththiscrap48]

I am a single mother of an 8 year old. I'm clean a week today! I had a terrible 5 yr addiction. I almost lost our house last month. I also had a brother die, he was murdered 2 years ago. The thing is non addicts get through this stuff differently. We use it as an excuse to use more.

When I had FINALLY made up my mind to quit, I sat down and just started writing. Writing about how guilty I felt, how sorry I was to my son, and that he does not deserve a mother like me. How sick physically and mentally all this made me. And i have read it several times. I needed to "hear" it again. And the only person that could change all the awful things on those pages is me!! It's up to no one else.

That little boy loves you, and needs you so much. After so much loss and devastation in your life, how lucky are you to have him!! Take advantage of that. Focus on that!! Live for that! You owe him to try again. You owe you. You deserve this, and you know in your heart you are worth this!

The last week was hard, but I'm the happiest I've been in years!! I will NEVER go back. I look in the mirror, and then into my sons eyes, and I know I'll never go back to that life. Everyday revolved around pills! I even had my son with me a few times to "make the exchange" how gross, sick, and just all around F'd up is that?!?!?

You've got support on here. Anything you need, someone can help you! You wouldn't have come here if you weren't ready. I'm going to trust that. I'm also going to trust that God is not done with you. Girl you have a bigger purpose. You've been through more than one person ever should, but you made it. Use it, learn from it. Grow up and figure out who you're supposed to be.

[VICourageous]

Hi again I see you are still with us..I am sooo proud of you and how u are going about gettong your pills..That was a smart Idea..wow I should of thought of that...See u will be able to help someone on here.. I wish u the best..Keep us updated on how u are..Start a new post if u need to so it is up front...

God Bless u and your son
vickie..

[SmilingBright]

Chell,
I just wanted to send u a big big Hug!! Tears. You can do this. For you and for your precious son!!  God is with you !! He will fight your battles for you and you shall hold your peace!!

Just believe in Him!!
Praying for u!!
Christina

[atthebeach]

thank you for the update. great job on stopping the extra pills. tell the clinic you want to taper down. at 55mgs you would be off in about 6 months.
you can do this. go to counseling and yes some support groups.
exercise, eat lots of protein, veggies and fruit, take vitamins, get your body built up to help with the taper.
post often for support,
debbie

[toothfairie]

you are certainly not alone....we are here for you and want you to be healthy, for you and your son....and i agree with above poster, if any way possible try going to some NA/AA meetings....that way you will have people that are close to you that know what you are going thru....and it's free....I know how it is to be a single mother...it's not easy but you getting healthy will be the best thing you can do for your son!  good luck in your journey and keep posting for support!!  

[chell344]

I don't have family support, so to hear all of these beautiful things, made me feel like I have friends out there who care.  I am lonely and scared most of the time, but I live for my son.  Have stopped going to the doctor (for the extra pills) cause I am scared to go to jail.  But I still go to the clinic at 55mgs.  I told my counselor that I was taking it early(I would get a weeks worth at a time and be out 2 days later), so now I go everyday.  It's more expensive to drive there but at least I don't take more than I am prescribed.  I still want to quit, but now that I work full time (and my son and I survive on that income), I have no where to let my son go if when I go thru detox and a 30-90day program.  I just wanted everyone to know that your thoughts and prayers mean so much to me.  Sometimes, when I am alone (and that is a lot), I read these and it makes me realize that even though i don't have an family or friends physically around, these people care and that means something.  Your right, God doesn't want me.... Though at times I wanted to go... I can't leave my son alone-ever again. I can't put him through this pain I feel everyday, if I died. Thank you all so much. You will never know what your mean to this single mother with the most amazing 9yr old (that I am desperate to not mess up).  THANK YOU GUYS

[VICourageous]

I too feel your pain that is part of what made me run from myself. I too lost a bother on christmas day and deaths just went on & on with my little bothers friends. When it came to the kids going!!! WHOW also I could never have children and talked to my bother a week before he died about it. I wish I would of got some help way back when. But now is now and this time I understand the support I get from my meetings NA/AA  I t took me months to feel better because the stages I went though but now I get to go and share my story with the kids at the schools AWSOME It is a new world a new way of living and YOU have so much to live for. God works in ways that you will be out there helping others? Like they all say AFTERCARE is Soooooo IMPORTANT!!!!!!
Keep on truckin God loves us all
vvicudaho

[atthebeach]

Hi chell,
I also would like to hug yiu and comfort you. You are not alone. Please call for counseling. You have been through a lot in your lifetime. I am sorry for the pain you have endured.  There is healing for your heart, soul, mind, body and your spirit.
There is a hope and a future for you and your son. I would also suggest that you attend meetings. You don't have to talk, just listen and receive support and encouragement. I would also suggest going to church.
Please keep talking with us.
Sending prayers of hope and healing,
Debbie

[weaver71]

When I detoxed from methadone last year, my kids where 8 and 10. I was very straight with them. They know my drug addict alcoholic father and are a little afraid of him, so they knew what I was talking about. I don't have a family outside of my wife and kids, which is more than you have, but I get where you are coming from, my wife had pretty much left me without going anywhere. My kids looked at me and said, "Dad, we know when you are high, you just stand there or sit and aren't there." I had a lot of guilt and shame. Once I made the decision to do whatever it took and listen to the advice from people who had been there, my kids where right there hugging me and telling me it would be okay. They where just glad that I wanted to be present and sober. The love for and from a child is truly unconditional, I think that's why God is described as a parent, it's the least inaccurate description our limited minds can grasp. Getting off methadone was the single most difficult thing I have ever been through, and like you, I have been through some difficult times. But the thing that has come from it that I cherish the most, is that my feelings are back full force. I hurt sometimes for sure, but the hugs and laughter from my wife and kids are so much more real and complete with me being off methadone. You may have regrets, shame, fear, and all kinds of bad thoughts and feelings right now, but you have so much more to look forward to than you can imagine. Stay with is and rant, whimper, or rejoice, we will support you. I know exactly how you feel. You will not regret your decision to get clean, it will take some time, but then you gain the rest of your life.

Now, on a technical note, will the clinic help you to taper down off the methadone? 50mg is a pretty high dose to jump at if you have to function at work and raise a child. I would suggest asking the clinic to help you with a schedule to ease down your dose as low as possible before you stop. I say that because I relapsed over and over for 2 1/2 years because I tried to go to fast and play tough guy. I just want you to succeed and a slow taper down is really important with methadone. I do not give this advice lightly, please see if the clinic will help you taper, you will know why I say that if you go too fast. Trust me. Keep us posted, if I can do it, so can you.

[Pat1956100]

Hi chell, I wish I could give you a big hug.  I have never been on methadone but I had a serious oxy, perc, addiction.
You have been through so much and I truly believe you are a survivor.
So many people on this forum have beaten meth and I admire all of them.  
You can do it to and you have the biggest reason to do it, your son.
You are his mother and he loves you unconditionally.  
I really believe you nead counseling to deal with your brother's death and the brutal rape.  Either of those things happening can lead us to use.
I am truly sorry for everything you have been through.
I am sure if you slowly reduce your intake you can beat it too.
Check out some of the stories on here from the members who have done it and please keep posting and let us know how you are doing.
You will receive tremendous support here.

Hugs
Pat

[chell344]

I just wanted to thank everyone that commented... I honestly feel so alone sometimes, and I have such guilt. I have a little boy who is 9yrs old, and though I like to think he has no idea, I believe in my heart he does.  How can I possibly live with myself knowing that I messed up my child - the only thing I did right in this world?  My best friend, who was my brother, died from Leukimia about 3 years ago, and now its just my son and I.  I don't want to get graphic or anything but I was violently raped when someone got into my home after we were asleep.  I dont know what happened to me after that... I was happy before that, working, raising my son, and just looking forward to sunny days and holidays.  But now I feel no more joy at life, I feel so much guilt that I can't provide more for my son, since his father left when he was 3 months old (he was put in prison for domestic assault with a deadly weapon), so now I have to one day explain that as well.  I don't want to die, and I will never knowingly try again, because of my son, he would be alone. I love him to much to leave him (but I can't help thinking about why such a great kid got stuck with a mother like me).  I am sorry guys you probably think I am a cry baby... But after hearing all your positive comments, it brought tears to my eyes.  I don't have support from family because my mother is an alcoholic and my father was abusive so I don't really have a relationship with him.  Anyway, I am going to quit the clinic and just take the 50 mgs I get from my doctor, and not abuse it.  Then I think I need some serious counseling.  All I do is work my 10 hour shift and then wait till bedtime so I can end my day.... Don't get me wrong, my son and i goof around and play and laugh, do homework, etc. but I just know I can do better... I am just scared..... Again, thank you guys, really thank you!

[VICourageous]

P.S. I do highly believe in NA/AA shy or not they do not care you do not have to talk. If you go you will find someone with your story and you can have someone to relate to. I Have been going for going on 6 months now and I cried tonight about what we were taliking about because I am stubborn, older and set in my ways. I soooo needed to hear what I heard tonight. Also most treatment centers have you stay for at least 30 days or more. I know alot of people go from treatment into SOBER LIVING. God Bless you and keep on posting for support here until you do whats best for you.
vvicidaho

[VICourageous]

I agree with them ALL I was like weaver up and down with the mgs. I did hydro/oxy for 4-5 yrs and switched to methedone for the last 12yrs. My dr tried to taper me down it worked when I got to 60mg and cut that to 30mgs but then I wanted to strech that out so I was snorting adderral with it to get the BUZZ but at night I took a Klonipam (Benzo) I went cold trukey from it all and the stages of detox were not fun. My high *** Anxiety was not only from the methedone but double wham because of benzos. I due alot of vit/min. Cal,d and magnz to sleep and much more. Change diet to proteins all day, low sugar fruit and complex carbs This changed the weakness.
Good Luck Keep on Truckin you know it gets better min by min
vvic

[weaver71]

You sound like the kind of addict I am. I don't really know how much methadone I was taking a lot of the time. If I had 2 or 3,000mg, I took a bunch. I accidentally almost died 4 times that I am aware of. My wife tells me that she kept me alive with CPR more than that. I have to take her word for it. I also was deeper and deeper in isolation. I didn't look cashiers in the eye, or anyone for that matter. I describe those days as my zombie days. I only share those things to let you know that I made it out, and with little or no permanent damage. I can hardly believe it, but I feel pretty good about life again. I'm not always happy, but I can deal with life now. There is a 20% chance of survival after respiratory arrest from methadone, I lived through it multiple times. I have to believe that you and I where spared for some reason. What is that reason? Hang with us for awhile and lets figure that out. Cut down your dose a small amount and think about what kind of aftercare you can handle. You're not ready for group meetings, so what about one on one addiction counseling? I think that would be a great place to start. Post here for support and advice. Set yourself up for success, we will help in any way we can. You learned from last time, it's not just about getting of the methadone. What can you do different this time?

[Sweetness91]

If you've done it once, you CAN do it again! Have faith in yourself that you can do it. Methadone is a beast...and shaking it once already tells me that you're alot stronger than you give yourself credit for. I'm 40 days off methadone, and it WAS hard...but when your desire to stop overcomes your desire to use, you can accomplish anything. I really believe that. Having already detoxed once, I think you know what to expect, so I won't go into that...but if you can follow the Thomas recipe, it helps...tremendously! Good luck and I hope you kick this once and for all!! God Bless. :)

[BarbRTR]

I just want to come back and say, and also keep this post bumped, that yes there is HOPE.

If 30-60 percs a day give you acetaminophen overdose, and you got through 720 Mgs of methadone in a day, plus thankfully failed at your attempt with 43 Xanax.. God isn't done with you. He has a plan for you.
The fact you were able to stop it before is great. Being shy and having low self esteem is something you can go to therapy to learn to deal with.
I think you have a whole lot of living left to do. Living, not just exsisting.
I hope you come back and post. And the methadone heroes will be here soon to give you more specific experiences on how they got their lives back.
Praying for you.

[Dryan8313]

Wow, I'm jealous at the fact that you were actually able to kick methadone before, and even felt great afterwards! I've been in 105mg a day of methadone for almost 8 years! On Monday, I dropped to 65mg and its been hard as hell! Not physically, but mentally. My biggest fear is going through hell to get off and then starting back up again. But, I know that sorta thing happens ALL THE TIME! And when it does happen... We get back up and try again. You're NOT alone and if you've done this once already, you can absolutely do it again!
Do you have the option (health insurance,etc.), to do an inpatient treatment if you we're able to detox again? I have been thinking a lot about how to "stay" clean once I'm finally able to get this poison out of my body. I too feel too shy or weird to walk into an NA meeting by myself and I have NO friends who can relate to me. Hell, I don't really have any friends at all. I have a fantastic mother, husband, and 3 great kids... None of which can really help me with what I'm going through. Sooo glad and grateful I found this site.
I know it's hard but you really need to give up one of your sources of methadone. Taper slowly while working on yourself mentally, and preparing yourself for aftercare and how you're gonna STAY clean once you've been able to detox. There's no rush... This is a process and doesn't have to be done overnight or in a week or even a month. Take your time. Reach out to a private counselor or to your counselor at your clinic (but I wouldn't mention your other done script to them). See if they can help you or have any suggestions on how to stay clean once you've detoxed. If that doesn't work, talk to your doctor. You can't do this alone. And you don't have too. Do you have any family or a spouse that you can talk too?
There's ALWAYS hope!! Keep on talking about it... Even if its just in here. Hang in there!!

[atthebeach]

Hello and welcome. There is always hope... Don't you give up. Please get those thoughts out  of your head about ending your life. That is never the answer. NEVER. I am so glad you found us. Did I tell you yet? That there is always hope... ALWAYS........ Keep the faith... Don't give up on yourself because we won't and neither will GOD. You are fearfully and wonderfully made.
You went to a rehab last year and stayed 2 weeks. How long did you stay off the methadone before you went back to the clinic? And how long have you been back there?
Are you only getting the 55 mgs from the clinic now?
Remember there is always hope......
Sending prayers,encouragement and hope,
Debbie

[BarbRTR]

As the above posters said, please keep posting here. Weekends are really slow, but you will get support. There are several here that kicked very long term methadone habits.
They will be along shortly.
Have you researched long term rehab? Some place other than just a detox center?
Please don't give up.

[hope4good]

I don't know much about methadone but like the post said above there are a lot of people on this site that do, you just have to be patient.  I just wanted to tell you to not give up. I know you feel like hell and want relief but you can get better.  i know there are resources that can help you. Maybe you could go back to detox again because it sounds like it worked really well for you.  Then you need to tell them that you demand to be in inpatient because you want to stay sober.  I hope you get to feeling better.  If you start feeling bad always post on here.  It helps to vent and get advise from good people.  

[JimiMiddleFinger63]

Hi there.....I know like next to nothing about meth but we have a few people here who have some real experience and good info, I'm sure they'll be along soon. Sometimes in can slow down for a few hours, Hang in there

Good luck

Jimi