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Avatar universal

Please help, I don't know what to do

I'm an opiate pain pill addict. I never set out to take pills to get high. I started out innocently enough. I used to be a competitive powerlifter (btw, my real name isn't Winona and I'm a male). I partially tore the right supraspinatus tendon in my rotator cuff as well as developed numerous bone spurs. I had surgery to fix it. After the operation I was in a great deal of pain and of course the surgeon prescribed lortab. Those pills made me feel great. Now for the past 3 years I've been on and off of pain pills. I can only take what I can get my hands on. I feel great whenever I have some pills but when I run out I go into withdrawal. I'm up one week and down the next. I feel trapped by this poison. I've been seriously considering suicide. I'm in withdrawal now. This morning I put my rifle to my head just to test to see if I could reach the trigger while still holding the rifle to my head. I can indeed do it if I wanted to. Then I started thinking about what that would do to my parents so I decided not to do it. Nobody else except for my psychiatrist knows what is going on. My parents knew about my problem 2 years ago but they think I'm cured. I was never cured, I was just an addict that ran out of pills for a while.
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401095 tn?1351391770
well....the mind has control over ur body...so if u lose ur prorities as addiction seems to do...u lose ur values as well....my mind was spent wondering about pills instead of what is important in life...mangled mind...now it is clean and working...keep it that way as i have had trouble with that part of my brain trying to take over again...stay on ur toes...do not mean to be negative and 20 days is great...just be careful....maybe i am just weak...but i have to fight alot sometimes...the forum keeps me strong...keep posting  
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I want to thank everyone here. This seems like such a great supportive environment. Thanks to you that sent me P. M.'s. I woke up today and it was incredible, it felt like 80% of my withdrawal symptoms had worn off. I got in my car to go to work feeling great. Then my car wouldn't start. So I got my bicycle out of storage and pedaled to work. It was a great feeling to do something physical. I found out that I can bicycle to work just as fast as I can drive. Anyway, the suicidal thoughts have gone away for now. I have another visit with my addiction counselor next week.

Now I look at not only the mental damage I've done, but the physical. Three years ago I weighed 180 pounds and had rippling muscles and washboard stomach. I even did some modeling and I was featured nude in Playgirl magazine.(OH MY! LOL) Now I look at my body and while I'm probably still more fit than average, I've gained 20 pounds and my washboard abs are all covered up. I need to get back in the gym and start pounding away. I realize that at my age (35) I probably won't be able to bench press 400 pounds again like I did when I was 25. Sorry I'm rambling, I guess my point is that this has taken a toll on my body as well as my mind.
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Avatar universal
what do you do with the valium. I have 1mg, just try and sleep through a few days?
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Avatar universal
how do you private message? im new and trying to learn a few things/
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Avatar universal
Do you work weekends? maybe it would be possible to quit on a thursday..get some clonodine from you dr..(helps alot with w/ds) and then you will be over the worst by Monday..Not 100% but most likely be able to work...hang in there friend...
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213991 tn?1214273019
Good luck man just remember "if you walk 50 miles throught sh!t you have to walk 50 miles back out" Just stay strong man and get through this.
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Avatar universal
Thanks for the comments. I feel so many different emotions right now that I can't think clearly. I do have job that pays above the average wage in my area. I also have insurance. I live about 4 blocks from a mental hospital that treats addiction. I thought about going there this morning but I had to go to work. All I wish is that I could go back in time before I ever took that first pill and do things over.

I quit taking lortab for a long time simply because I couldn't get any. At one point I was taking 10-15 a day. Right now it takes about 8 for me to feel anything. When my source for lortab dried up  I found a place on line that sells darvocet.  So I traded lortab for darvocet. I tried substituting marijuana for opiates for a while but the weed just did not product the same high. Mostly all it did was make me drowsy. If I can get through tomorrow I will have Friday and Saturday off so that I hopefully will sleep through it. My last use was Monday afternoon. I took two pills. It kept the withdrawal away for the length of my work shift.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Glad to see you writing about it,,Suicide is so final,,i like what you said about how it would affect your parents,,i had the same thought pattern yrs back,,and that sucked,glad i didnt act on it,,I had  a 17 hand Arabian fall on me while riding uphill,i had surgery on my knee that wasted me for along time,,also hurt my back and got on Vicodan and then Oxys,,,now i dont do **** with out them,,i use to lift alot too,,ive tried to quit and the withdralws are insane,,i got a Dr to start me on Suboxone,,i too cannot miss work,,my oxys run out next week and i will start the Subs my choice the dr will still give me the oxys,,it sounds like it would be a great option for you,, Subs work ,ive researched it for a while now,,It would feel pretty good to have that ,i love to wake up in the morning feeling,, with that tightness from working out and actually loooking forward to the day and weekend rather than thinking about pills,my whole life revolves around these damn things,,man are they addicting.Alls i know is that no matter what,,i love Lobster,,i love making lots of money,,going out for Tuna 100 miles offshore,and of course, doing my girlfriend every which way,,hanging out with my family,,and talking to them a couple times a week at least,My Mom and Dad.that is.Going to get massages is way up there too,,so just for those simple reasons i will hang out for the duration,hope you do the same and theres no reason you have to feel like that or think that,,go to the Dr and level with them,,,thats what thier for and they will help you i promise...
Helpful - 0
213991 tn?1214273019
Ive been there with suicidal thoughts and attempts. Ive tried to over dose on advil 17yrs old (drunk) I put a snub nose .38 in my mouth with one in the chamber hammer cocked 20yrs old (drunk) ive slit my wrist 24yrs old (drunk) and im on here for loritab addiction to man. I traded the alcohol for the pills about 2yrs ago so im a alcoholic and opiate addict. I to lift weights for about 10yrs but got serious about 4 yrs ago is the main reason i gave up the alcohol because it was hurting me in the gym and switched to the opiates because they made me feel great and actually helped me gain weight because they increased my appeititte and slowed my metabolism. Ive had trapped feelings more times then i can count when i would run out of pills and got about 5 days in withdrawls. I finally looked at myself in the mirror one night (4 days in w/ds ) until my face had no noticable characteristics. Then looked down and realized i didnt like what i had become i didnt like relying on something to make me feel normal. Hell i didnt like  depending on something to help me live life. I quit one time for about 2 months felt fine then thought i could take another pill and fell right back into it. THis is my 2nd time quiting im 36 days clean but i went to rehab for counseling so i could get my mind right and know what im facing. Its just like lifting man sober life takes determenation and the sheer will to set goals no matter how small to make a better you. Suicide is not the answer but its the bodies most primative urge when you feel your in so much mental and physical anguish. Step back use your mind and think through your feelings. Know that the pills are willing to destroy the host just to get there way. We cant give into them we cant dwell on the fact that we can never have them again. What we can do is learn to live with this disease and fight it with every ounce of mite and lean on others for support. We got ourselves into this mess by ourselves but we can not get out of this mess by ourselves. Surround yourself with positive sober people, engage your mind onto something else when it comes back to how bad your feeling physically while going through w/ds. This is long post but i wanted to let u know ending your life is not the answer. This fight is not a losing battle and it will be fought for the rest of your life but your fighting for a life not just to live it. Im here along with lisa to talk to you man talk through the pain and i promise you good days will come again.
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Avatar universal
I just noticed your new post.

That's a tough one. What and how much were you taking? What was your last use?

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Avatar universal
I am not an addict but my husband is, however i was very sick and in the hospital. I was on percocet and on a Morphine Drip. I would imagine jumping through the hospital window everyday until i got off the meds and they were out of my system. Never make a rash decision in a crisis. You are going through a physical crisis. The pain is horrible, but their is another side. That's why God made the next day and mornings so that after the dark their would be light. Don't give up in the dark!!! You can't see what's on the other side. The drugs are taking away your ability to reason through this. My husband is an opiate addict and on Suboxone. I don't really like the meds long term, but it may help short term. Sometimes you just have to hang on, let God carry you through the storm, go through the pain, and you will arrive on the otherside. After the drugs are completly out of your system you may be better. Hang on!!! God has better days ahead for you. Remember "This too shall pass".
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Avatar universal
Addicts come in all shapes, sizes, and colors. There's lots in common, though. You do have options if you want to detox and stay clean.  Keep reading. Lots of good people here to help.

Tell us what your resources are - that would be a good start. Insurance? Family? Ever been through any treatment?

Check out the health pages - there may be some holistic things you can try to alleviate some of the symptoms you are experiencing.

But, as you know, once you get clean - what are you willing to do to stay clean. That will require some planning. Otherwise, you will likely be like many, many people who spend years using, detoxing, using, detoxing, on and on. If you want to get off that merry-go-round so you can enjoy life, there is definitely help and treatment for that!

Good luck!
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Avatar universal
Part of my problem is that I need to get off of these pills and still be able to function at work. I'm not in a position to take any time off.
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Avatar universal
you need to prepare your mind before going cold turkey...it is totally doable..i wouldn't suggest suboxone..although you can research it and decide from there,..have you ever really tried to quit? or do you run out and feel w/ds and get scared...it really does make a difference..there are a few things you can do to make it better..Honestly..you will feel better in about 5 days..seriously...
Helpful - 0
198154 tn?1337787265
first of all, welcome to the forum. You will finds lot of poeple here just like you!
second, please know that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. This will pass.  Is inpatient rehab a option?  Do you know about Suboxone?  There are lots of resources here to help you.  Please keep posting
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Avatar universal
Oh friend...hey hey now...don't be talking crazy..the pills will make you feel depressed on top of everything.i too had major rotor cuff surgery..VERY painful..bone sours and 90% torn something..I had the mumford procedure too..You don't want to die..you want help..My first post here was sorta the same thing...I am going to pm (private message you)..You can fight this...please...You aren't trapped..i was taking them for the same reason..6 yrs and went cold turkey...you can do this..talk to me...my name is Lisa..and there are wonderful caring people here that know what your going through...
Helpful - 0
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