Please help me

I have been taking approximately 8-10 hydrocodone daily. I want to stop but can't. I feel that my life revolves around how to get my pills. I went to the pharmacy today and was turned down. I feel like such a low life. I have two beautiful children and I know how lucky I am for that. When I had a c-section two years ago I was offered 100 vicodin to take home from the hospital. I was hooked within one week. I havn't told anyone about my addiction and am too ashamed to do so. I don't know what to do. I need advice on how to put a stop to this now before I ruin my health and my family. I would love any advice that anyone can offer.

[road2recovery]

you are in the right place..you will get alot of support here and advice..Have you ever tried to taper, or c/t...Can you find a doc to maybe try sub??? Although i am not clean and still using..My body is healing from a bad surgery and i plan on stopping this madness once and for all...SO i read alot on everyones expereinces...Things i never knew before..i am like you , no one knows, well they know i take becaue of the pain but they don't know about the abuse..
do you have a plan???

[ggin35]

If you truly want to get off the pills I would be honest with whatever doctor you are seeing so they can help you. No matter how low you it makes you feel. I know how it is to take 100 pills in about a week. I do that easily! I went to my doctor the other day and just told him the plain truth. He gave me Ultram to take while I wait for my insurance to approve an addiction specialist. If you don't have insurance or a doctor I would look into a sliding scale detox in your area asap before you start withdrawing on your own. Post here a lot. Also look up the Thomas recipe on this forum if you can't do any of that. Good luck to you!

[FLaddict]

Telling your family or at least your SO would be a good start. You will need someone there to support you. This site helps, but if I didn't have my hubby I don't think I would be clean today. Don't be ashamed. You are human. We make mistakes.. The drugs are able to take over and the person can't control them.
YOu have many options. One is cold turkey quitting. Stay at home. And have the worst flu of your life for a week.. days 2-4 are the worst.. there are OTC meds that can help. And if you are able to talk to your doc there are prescription meds that can help make it more tolerable.
You could taper.. very few people can actually do this. It takes the strength to only take a designated amount per day, and cut out doses on a time schedule. You will need someone to hold your pills to do a taper.
There is Suboxone. Its a drug used for detox. I used it and it works great for a short term detox. Gets you through the accute WD stage. You taper off of it.
Another option is to go to treatment.. inpatient. if you can get the time away.

[hopeless]

Listen to me, i was in your shoes up until June 3rd. My life revolved around pills. I was taking up to 10 or more a day of percocets/hydros for over 4 years. NONSTOP. I could not go anywhere unless i knew i had them to take with me. I would go to the hospital and sit for hours just to be able to get 10 of them. I had 5 family doctors. I bought them from friends, whatever i had to do. I could not function without them. I cancelled our family vacation this year to our beach house, cause i only had 5 pills and new i couldn't make it without them. I would get up everyday and count them, and try to make what i had last me. They ran my life. I am still struggling, but it is getting better now.

I quit cold turkey on June 3, went through all the major w/d's and it sucked! But i made it... I was so tired of living each and everyday wondering about pills. I ran out on that day, so i had no choice but to quit. My husband is the only one who knows, no one else does. It was hard to hide.

The major withdrawals lasted about 5-7 days. You get all the flu-like symptoms. Have no energy at all, and can't sleep. But it does get better with each day.

I did not sleep for the first 14 nights, AT ALL - this was the hardest part for me.

I will give you a list of some things that helped me make it to where i am today.

You will need

Imodium (immodium) - for your stomach - runs

Melatonin - over-the-counter sleeping pill

Bananas - for the potasium (helps with the restless leg syndrom (syndrome) you'll have)
Try to eat like 3 or so a day.

GingerAle - was all i could handle to drink

Long hot baths in the evening...helps alot

Heating pad - i used at night behind my neck and on my legs

I also started taking "Vitamin B complex" and "Womens one a day for energy pills"

You need to stay strong, and just take one day at a time, sometimes even hour to hour.

Remember the first 5 -7 days are the worse, just keep telling yourself you can do this, make it past them first few days, and you will be well on your way. I promise!!!

Let me know if i can be of any more help to you...

I wish you all the best!!

Luv,
Hopeless

[baggervance]

I am tring to stop taking hydro,s. Its been about 36 hours and I feel horrible.I have a fem zannies and some ambein for sleep I have got to quit. these things have a hold on me and Im sick of not feeling normal I just cant take enough pills to feel good anymore.I am an alcoholic who was sober for 6 years before these hydies got me now im an alcoholic and and addict.I know I need to go back to AA but I am ashamed of what ive done.

[hopeless]

One more thing - this site!

If i would have never found this site, and all the people on here, i know for a fact i would not be where i am today. This is the honest to God truth. I never though that just by talking here it could have helped me the way it did, but it truely has.

Just by seeing so many people that are going through the same thing as you is amazing. I used to think i was the only one who did what i did, until i found this place. You can come here anytime you want, you can talk about any problems you might be having or just come here to chat, but no matter what no one judges you here. You can come here and cry to someone, or tell a joke to lift someone up, whatever - it don't matter. There is usually always someone here. If you send a post and don't get a response right away, don't worry someone will get to it as soon as they get on. I am on here alot on and off all day and into the evening. So just give a yell...

Definately stay with this forum - it makes a world of difference!

All my best to you
Hopeless

[emilyanne]

Hi Hun!
Welcome to the forum. We all know how you feel. It is a life-altering decision to get off the pills, and since it sounds like you are out of pills, why not start now? The next 3-5 days won't be fun, but you CAN do it.
When you say the pharmacy refused you today, what do you mean? Did you try to refill too soon, or did you go with a new script that they wouldn't fill? Do you have refills left? If you do, I would call the pharmacy and tell them to cancel it, and talk to your doc. That way you won't be tempted to get more. I was addicted to painpills for ten years, and finally quit cold turkey in December, and it wasn't easy, but I have NEVER been happier than I am right now. You CAN do it! I'm here for you!! Please write back!

[CATUF]

You said: "I havn't told anyone about my addiction and am too ashamed to do so."

That's about par for the course.  Most folks in active addiction keep that fact a secret and live with constant shame.  It no doubt feels like you shouldn't have been so weak, so dumb, so worthless, etc., as to allow THIS to have happen.  You should have seen this coming and been STRONG enough to fix it (yourself) before it became a problem.  At the very least, you should have had the WILL POWER and STRENGTH to fix it once it clearly was a problem!  

And OF COURSE you can't tell ANYONE.  Family and friends would be so dissapointed, no doubt DISGUTED.  This is just too bad to tell ANYONE. You must fix it (yourself) in secret: then everything will be OK again.  No one will ever know what happened.  You'll be a good person again and no one will know that for 2 years you had a bad secret.

All of that may be par for this course, but it's ALL WRONG.  Addiction thrives in secrecy, isolation, shame and self-loathing.  Think about that:  Addiction THRIVES  in secrecy, isolation, shame and self-loathing.  It doesn't just survive in that medium, it THRIVES.  In that medium it grows and Grows and GROWS.  Despite the best efforts of its host (that's you) addiction hangs in there. It's like the Terminator:  "It can't be reasoned with, it can't be bargained with...it doesn't feel pity of remorse or fear...and it absolutely will not stop.
Ever.  Until you are dead."

HOWEVER, this Terminator happens to have a switch.  It's either "ACTIVE" or it's "INACTIVE."  While it's clearly a life-destroying SOB in the ACTIVE mode, it's really not too bad in the INACTIVE mode -- just never (EVER) let that switch be flipped back to ACTIVE, not even for a second.  

The first steps toward flipping the switch to INACTIVE are a) get rid of the secrecy and isolation and b) ASK FOR HELP.  Just as addiction THRIVES in the dark, it begins to shrivel in the light --  Honesty, Openness and Willingness are the light (or at least a significant beam of light - certainly enough to start with, enough dispel the dark).

Right now you turn to and lean on those who care about you.  Just think what would you do one day if one of your kids came to you and said "Mom, I need help.  I didn't mean to, but somehow I got in trouble with these pills . . . ."  My bet is that you'd be thinking about helping, not condemning.  

I know that seems like an IMPOSSIBLE thing to do - I was POSITIVE not only that I couldn't do it, but that it would be EXACTLY the WRONG thing to do.  In the end they all found out anyway.  In the end they all found out anyway and they did what I couldn't bring myself to ask for -- they helped me.  Of course there's always some shock and dissapointment that goes along with a discovery, but the biggest dissapointment was that I had trusted them enough to come to them with this problem.  I've heard that story hundreds of times from hundreds of different people -- the wife or the parent or the friend says "why didn't you turn to me?"

You're not a bad person trying to become good again, you're a sick person trying to become well again.  

My advice is to treat addiction like it's a relentlessly progressive fatal illness - because that's what it is.

[MOTHEROF2NEEDSHELP]

Thank you so much for all of your advice. I have only been 10 hours without and still have a full bottle in my bathroom. I feel like flushing them down the toilet but can't bring myself to do it. I have these 2 beautiful kids that are 6 and 2 and a husband that works 70 hours a week and I am so afraid that I am going to be so sick in withdrawal that I won't be able to take care of the kids. Since my 2 year old has been born I have only been without them for one weekend and it was the worst weekend. I wasn't sick but felt like a zombie with no energy. I am so disgusted with myself for driving my kids from dr. to dr. and pharmacy to pharmacy and not being able to focus on anything but getting pills. I went to CVS tonight and got everything on your list and have incredible faith in God. I feel like this forum is where I belong and even though I can't help anyone right now, as soon as i get through the symptoms I will be here to help people. I am a strong person and I have been through years of infertility treatment to have children and now these pills have taken that joy from me.
I feel so lucky to have met and read your advice. I can truly tell that you care.
Sincerly,
motherof2needshelp.

[FLaddict]

That was one of the best post I have even read... Thank you. those were some very wise words... and right from the heart...

[marcatj]

PLEASE don't be ashamed.  i imagine you don't judge any of us - so do not judge yourself...

i (and i think all of us) know how that "shame" feels.  but when we think of each other, i know all i want to say to everyone is "stop that! there is no shame!!!" because it's how i really feel!

NO ONE at AA if you go back is going to make you feel ashamed.  i didn't go alot, but i went to a handful of meetings with a buddy of mine a few years back, and all i can say is i saw only support.  no judgement at all..

so please - put the shame aside.  there is none to be had.  we have all felt it, but it does not serve us...

you can do it!!!

be very well.. and stay on here, ok?

warmly,
mj