Please help

[MizDemeanor]

I am hoping someone has advice on this for me. I am 2 weeks clean of 100 mg hydro habit per day for about 18 months or so. When I decided to stop (my doc cut me off 6 weeks after surgery, and Id have to pursue more dangerous methods to acquire since my previous doc shopping was making me nervous..) it was from reading this forum.
OK, so I stopped, and then I told my partner what was going on (after I slept for 3 days to stave off w/d..fine Im a wuss..lol) She said "well duh Ive known for a long time". I had a legitimate injury to get the meds to start with, and then things were hard in my life so I started using them to escape. I'm a long time hippie type chick or stoner whatever you want to call it but Id never had problems smoking my weed, and functioning, raised a child who is a sr in High school and worked for a large company the past 20 years.. When I first started taking lortab it was so easy to just up and up the dose from 5 mg to 7.5 to 10, then find a pain mgt doc and a primary care doc, I had pills galore, albeit I was always juggling to get them. Yes I did have legit pain, but the high was what I was after. ESCAPE.
Fast forward to now. (Im really trying to be focused, sorry for rambling) What seemed to be an ok reaction from my partner has been confusing. She is mad, and I admit I was wrong and I know how she feels (I was also married to an addict before I was one, how smart am I?) Now it seems that if I try to talk to her about "how" I got to that point, and what needs to change to get things right so we can move on. She wants me to "forget" about all that stuff and "shes is NOT going to rehash everything again". Am I putting too much pressure on HER to help ME ? I mean do I not deserve it after what I have done to her these past 2 years? I know when my ex was using how I felt and how angry I was. I just am trying to FIX what was wrong that lead me to find escape in happy pills. Am I being selfish expecting her to work with me on this? Should I be able to just MOVE forward like she wants to do ? (ie not talk about any of it and just fix it) How can you fix what you are not sure the root of it was? Does this even make sense? Argh. It's like I woke up and want to fix everything I did wrong but my partner seems to think that I can just begin again without figuring out what led me there. Maybe Im not objective (prolly not)
I would appreciate any and all input please. I dont know if Im pushing my relationship out the door by wanting to discuss things she says are better left sleeping. Am I being selfish?

[Jacqui805]

It sounds to me like your partner is the one being selfish.  She sounds scared to rehash the story because there's some liability in your relationship issues on her part.  There's obviously something because you want to talk about fixing it and she doesn't.  She is trying to deny something.  Every smart person knows you can't get past something without fixing it first, and I'm sure she's no different.  That's why she's scared (acting angry).  

If you do value your relationship, than it's worth forcing the issue.  Explain that you both want you clean and free but in order to do that YOU NEED to get some stuff off your chest and clear it up/fix it.  Tell her those things will be triggers for you to use again if you don't.  Tell her her support is integral to you staying clean.  As far as "deserving" goes, no one deserves either end of this.  You didn't do this on purpose to yourself or to her.  You are not selfish.  How un-selfish is it to try to get past this, and involve her in it and say your relationship is important to you so even though difficult, you want to work it out and make it better?

Jacqui

[Greatgreebo]

I gotta say, I disagree with Jacqui........Your partner is not being selfish-it's called self preservation. Us addicts are selfish by nature-we will do whatever it takes to get our drugs and everyone else be damned. So-for the time being, if your partner is angry and upset and not wanting to talk about it, respect her feelings. Just because you have all of a suddent decided to quit doesn't mean she can all of a sudden forget the pain of being with an addict. Find a support group (NA) or use this forum or find a third party you trust but isn't emotionally involved with your situation. You can continue to show your remorse to your partner by continuing on with being clean and proving to her that you are serious about staying that way. Actions always speak louder than words. She'll come around when she's ready to talk to you about it-don't force it on her.

Congrats on getting yourself clean. Things will work out for you know that you have decided you are worth more than a handful of pills :-)
Stay strong,
Greatgreebo

[avisg]

Miz,
How are you going to recover from this if you dont talk about it .She is going to have to come to terms with this ,you are human you have a problem and you are taking care of yourself .... I think you are doing great ,keep talking ,it really does help.

[flmagi]

I would think talking about things is needed. But she obviously doesn't think so. I don't want to sound like I'm prying into your personal life, but are there things you feel she needs to change? Things she does that causes triggers? In no way am I saying she's the reason you use. I just know if there are problems that need fixing, not just your side of the fixing, then a 2 person discussion is needed. Maybe. My husband was a major trigger for me. He has relied on me to do everything for him. More than most men. He doesn't speak english, he's not the brightest bulb in the pack, plus he can be a real male chauvinist and will not discuss problems of any kind. Anyway, after my last withdrawels, no discussion. I just told him how it was gonna be now, how things were gonna change. Period. I have stuck to my guns on these issues. LOL but we're still not really getting along. We're rapidly drifting apart. This marraige is doomed. And I'm ok with it.    I'm rambling, aren't I? What I'm saying is, if she won't talk about the problems, then maybe you just have to change what ever you need to and see what happens.  As far as talking about drug addiction and all thats involved with recovery etc, thats what we're here for and maybe counseling, N/A etc.
Congrats on 2 weeks!!! Keep posting.
Magi

[GoingToMakeIt]

A simple fact is: that if one person in a relationship has a problem. The relationship has a problem. Even if the other doesn't think so.

[Jacqui805]

Amen to that!

[Greatgreebo]

I definately agree that you gotta work it out together or it won't work at all. You can't make someone talk to you about things if they don't want to though. If they refuse, you gotta work on keeping yourself on the straight and narrow and hopefully the other person will come around. If they don't, that's a sign you need to move on. It takes two to make a relationship.
JMO :-)
Greebs

[Jacqui805]

It may be the way I read it, but it sounded to me like these issues were things not necessarily related to the drugs, but things that bothered her about the relationship that she needed resolved in order to continue it.  

[GoingToMakeIt]

Getting clean also gives you a better perspective on how things really are. It takes time for things in our lives to fall back together. Patience and make getting clean your  #1 priority.

[MizDemeanor]

WOW thanks for all the posts!!! I went to bed after I posted last night, I was just drained!
I think there are some problems in the relationship that did help me on my way to the happy pills, but Im not blaming what I did on that. I was MY FAULT to be so stupid, especially after a 20 year relationship with the father of my child who was a hardcore coke addict/alcoholic and all that I went though on the other end of that.
I woke up so to speak and now Im back here but NO pills, so no way really to hide from things or whatever. I do understand addicts are selfish, and I am no exception. I want to try to fix what has happened during what she refers to as "the Haze"...basically I shut down and all I cared about was my next pill. I had pain in my heart and pain in my body. I guess I should be glad she stayed to take care of me during my surgery and recovery and such, and that since I am the one who did this I need to fix me and not ask her to talk about the things that no longer really exist in our relationship. (Its real fun to have a cardboard gf Im sure. And that is what I have been) She says that I should just work on me and not "talk about it so much". She just wants to forget it ever happened and "start over". I feel like too many things are effed up to just start over without trying to address the issues. She says all I am doing is "rehashing old stuff". So I guess my problems are 1) old stuff in the relationship and 2) not being able to communicate. I admit Im not the best communicator and I am still only in my early stages of being off the pills so my nerves are not good and I do get upset and angry. She says all I do is tell her how much of a piece of **** she is. Im NOT trying to do that, Im trying to address core issues. (In my mind that is what Im trying to do but I am thinking maybe Im going about it wrong.) Shes gone to take my son to school. I havent seen her today, but Im just going to lay low so to speak. Thanks for being here to understand me. She said some terrible things about me having to come here and "put HER business on the INTERNET". I tried to tell her that I needed some outlet and that NO ONE here has a clue who I am much less HER.  (She was standing behind me reading when I was posting last night and I didnt realize it til she told me)
Thank you everyone who responded or who may. I feel like I would just want to gobble up a handfull of pills right now (good thing I dont have some) but I know it would just make this harder, and its inevitable Id have to stop again.
I feel really crappy for getting clean and making things "worse".

[Jacqui805]

You gotta talk, and be here.  I don't waiver from what I wrote to you up above, twice.  Sometimes, not saying this is necessarily the case here, but even when two people love and care for one another, it doesn't mean they're necessarily right for each other, or at least not right at that moment.  She sounds really resistant and I can't help but think that if she's unwilling to work on even your relationship, let alone give you the freedom to come here, this may not be working so well for you.

Jacqui

[MizDemeanor]

Thanks Jacqui. It means alot. Im just really scared right now and I feel like Ive made the problem WORSE by coming off the drugs and trying to fix things. That is stupid I know, but well I guess right now Im just confused. Dont get me wrong,  I dont wanna go back to hydrohell. I know I was being unrealistic to think things would just be ok. I know its going to be a hard road. For now, Ill probably just post alot when I can and try to work on me. I want you to know I did hear your words and I did take them to heart. Thank you so much.

[toxictome]

Congrats on 2 wks...i think your partner just needs some time...i agree w/ Greatgreebo, work on your recovery...and she'll come around on her time....or not!

We can only change ourselves, and in time with a clearer head, you will know what to do..the answer will come...we always want to FIX everything NOW...some things jus ttake time....keep posting...we will be your outlet for now....
you are doing a god job!!! stick to it....

[Jacqui805]

It's a tough call here.  It's hard to know exactly how to play it from the outside for everyone.  It sounds to me like you may need one fixed or at least in the process of it in order for the other one to be successful in the first place.  That make sense to you?  I think when it comes down to it, we generally all know the answers to our philosophical, dilemnas  We're often looking for confirmation or support from others.  In any event, I'd trust my gut.  There's a part of us that we don't control, but steers us when we need it.  Listen to it.  How many times have you said to yourself, "Man, I KNEW I should've, or man, I KNEW I shouldn't've."?  

Jacqui

[MizDemeanor]

I wish I'd have used my gut when I first got high off those pills. And fixed things then. Or tried to. Instead I used the pills to escape and now Ive made things worse. I'm just going to back off the gf, and see what happens there. I think right now Im in a place of self loathing for creating this for her when it was done to me and I was so hurt by it (addiction of my ex husband) I can remember all the terrible hateful things I said to him and now...I feel so damn guilty for all those junkie comments and "cant you just stop for our son, how can you be so selfish". Maybe this is payback? I do believe in karma. Boy oh boy, I'm feeling him now. He's been clean except for one really big relapse a few years ago. I cant even talk to him about this because Im too ashamed to admit it after all I said to him. I guess you might say Im getting a real dose of what it feels like to be on the other side. I wonder if there is a learning experience here? Judge not and so forth, yanno?
Anyway just chatting here this morning and giving Denni kudos for flushing his pills made me feel some better. Im so glad it wasnt me who found those. Good thing I was such a greedy junkie. LOL No spares around here for sure.
Thanks again, Jacqui and all who are responding. You guys rock and roll! :)

[Jacqui805]

There ya go.  You're listening to that gut now.  Since your trouble, you've learned to trust it.  Maybe you won't make the same mistake twice huh?  As far as the ex goes, I do understand why you feel guilty, going through it myself, I couldn't deny I'd be experiencing the same thing.  I think it's important to forgive yourself though too.  You didn't know.  Now you do, I might have thought the same thing before I became a nurse and learned.  Most people without this experience would.  The important thing is that you did learn and you have compassion and empathy now.  I don't know what your relationship is like with him now, and what he knows about what you're going through, but maybe at some point in time you'll be able to talk to him about it and tell him how you feel about it now.  It's so easy to judge other people.  I'm always teaching my kids about that.  Like with mental health issues for example.  Look at this Britney Spears thing.  She can't help some of the things that are happening to her anymore than someone with diabetes but people bust on her something fierce.  When the term mental health is used, people just cringe, even though most of those issues are physiological.  Point being, even though it doesn't make it right, people do it.  We all make mistakes.  The challenge is to learn and grow from them.  It sounds to me that you are doing both.  You're becoming introspective.  That has to be a good thing.  Does the bad mean me must forget about the good?   I don't think so dear.

Jacqui