Pretty Good Day Until...

[acalicutie]

...the boyfriend I'm so crazy about (we've been having some problems the past week or so - have been together for 10 years, so maybe it's just time for us to be going through something - or maybe, yes, just maybe, it's the damn pills I've been taking - yes, I fully acknowledge this) decided he wasn't coming to see me tonight - all of a sudden I felt lost and so alone - like if he had come tonight, then I definitely would have been able to not take as many pills as I did last night, and attempt some semblance of a taper - but that's exactly what I ended up doing - even though I am so ashamed of myself and feel horrible and am depressed and so on and so on...I'm so mad at myself, and I knew exactly what I was doing when I did it - the rationale that went through my brain was, "You know you're going to take them anyway, so just take them."  I feel terrible.  Avis, Tramahater, Moonshyne777 and Peanut3 have all taken the time to write me notes of encouragement, and I feel like I just laughed in their faces, and I'm so sorry...why why why I am allowing this to happen to me and my life?  On one hand, I really did want to see my guy, and on the other, as horrible as it sounds, all I wanted to do was be alone with my drugs, take them, and get that "feeling," you all know the one, the one that SEEMS to make taking these pills worthwhile.  I know beating myself up isn't going to help, and while reading someone else's thread, someone was telling this person NOT to beat themselves up, and to forgive themselves - how do you do that when what you are doing is wrong in every single aspect, and you knowingly do it anyway?  What gives me the right to forgive myself?  What gives me the right to be kind to myself, when I'm intentionally hurting myself and hurting other people with my actions/behaviors?  With this much self-medicating, there is no way I can be in my "right mind," even though I might "feel" like it once the high wears off, meaning, even if I think I'm having a rational conversation with someone, whatever I'm saying or hearing is probably being distorted and taken in a way other than what I mean.  I'm sure people think something's up with me, but they just can't put their finger on what it is.  I can feel the pills taking effect, which is what I wanted, but I'm so upset with myself right now, that, duh, I am not enjoying it at all, and I'm still mad at myself and scared and all the emotions I felt last night, only magnified because I know how badly I felt about myself LAST night - Jesus - it just doesn't end.

I suppose there is an end in sight - there is - I just don't know how to get to it...I mean, I do...but I think as long as I have pills, I'll have problems - get rid of the pills, get rid of the problems - sounds easy, right?  I know what you all are thinking - I have to WANT it - I have to want to get to the other side - I do, I do.  Please don't tell me "you don't sound ready to get to the other side."  How do I explain it - I'm ready to stop having problems, but not ready to stop - I'm sure you all understand what I'm trying to say.  I could keep going on, but I don't think it will come out right yet.

Again, I felt like writing tonight, and if any of you write back, I thank you so much in advance... I appreciate the time you take to read and comment.

xoxo

[PoochieRachetToe]

If I may interject my opinion in here............. Of course you're going to have to forgive yourself and start over. Of course you're going to continue with those roller-coaster thoughts and emotions.  Its rational thinking versus irrational, love my high more than anything thinking. Constant battle until you have less drugs and the rational army is more populated. However, if you could just try and be brave and ride the hell ride of Cold Turkey for just a short, maybe up to two weeks. You would be so much better off. You have to do like I did yesterday when I thought I was going down the same path with Soma as I had done with pain killers. Do not think "what if...." and just quickly dump and flush them.
It sounds like you have some drive in you, lets concentrate on that and get you on our side of the fence.

[acalicutie]

Hi there - thank you for your note - it made me smile - I'm having a better morning than yesterday - better night than last night - hour by hour...have a good day!

Karen  :-)

[dominosarah]

You will get there in your own time.  It scared the he!! out of me to think about giving up my pills as i thought they were my security blanket.  How wrong i was.  Keep talking with us.......sara

[acalicutie]

Hi - thank you for the invitation - I will take you up on that.

xoxoxo

[avisg]

anytime feel free to PM me if you ever need to talk
A

[acalicutie]

Hi Avis  :-)  I know what you are saying is absolutely correct.  You ROCK - thank you so much.

Karen

[avisg]

It always hard and your thinking is totally addictive thinking don't beat yourself up over that .If you continue to post and your get into recovery care you will be able to start recognize it ..I remember taking pills because it was a good day and taking pills .When it was a bad day .If I got into a fight with someone more pills it the nature of the beast.
  Remember tomorrow is a new day start over ... You will get there.Just keep moving forward.