I am very confused about where I stand as per what you say in this post and what I have read elsewhere about such distinction, thought I'll share my situation here.
I have been struggling with drinking and other substance abuse for some time now and I am very confused about where I am, on the one hand I do have some amount (only just) of self control and I will not slide down after a point. I go to meetings and find others who have gone on much much farther than where I have gone. I am even made aware that yes I am an addict but not a hardcore one, maybe on the fringe of being a hardcore addict.
(A doctor dealing with alcohol and drug addicts since about 10 years told me this last week when I meet him at his out reach center)
I have more of a problem with drugs but even that I do not take beyond a particular line. To start off, I have been drinking for about 7-8 years now. (since I was 17 I think) I had 2 bouts with drugs also in all of this, the first time it went for two years and at around 20 , I quit drugs and decided that I will only use alcohol since it is a controllable socially allowed vice. There is no question that drinking caused problems but I did not have the same appetite for alcohol an alcoholic might have; I would often drink alone but I found it boring after a couple of pegs, about a maximum of a pint of whiskey or any other hard drink like rum. When drinking alone, I never drank enough to cause vomiting, total loss of self control, black outs etc. I would only drink to that point when I was drinking with friends (It happened occasionally at first but it did slowly get to the point where each week 1nce or 2wice I would be out drinking all night with friends who were good company to drink with and occasionally get in to fights and other hassles) I didn't enjoy drinking too much when I had boring company though. This is where I was about a year and a half ago, this is how most of my weekends were spent; getting together with my drinking friend and drinking and then doing our kind of mischief, the kind that amused us a bit but not got us in to trouble too often)
and then I hated it the next day because I would have the hangovers, feeling completely lethargic for all of the next day, stomach issues etc. I hated it in the long term as well because I would schedule the weekends to catch up on my reading, catch up with certain other friends or often to simply rest and get things in perspective after a week's work. But the drinking friend of mine was too pestering and would call me and lull me anyway, he liked alcohol much more than me I could tell, it probably had a genetic component to it I guess as well. (his father died of drinking at 31) So whenever I was able to stay away from this one particular friend and another friend I had at work, I could stay away from booze or maybe slip up a little here and there but not too much.
Then after a while, I tried opioid prescription medicines with an office mate and loved it initially. This is what I got hooked on to big time, slowly but surely I was doing different stuff all together, booze, marijuana, meds all of them. I was taking only this on weekends than in the middle of the week, then on some weekdays as well (you know how it works).
After about 3 months of trying opioids, I was doing them everyday, the use of opioids I can not control I admit. I raved like this for some months until the money ran out and then I did only the meds each day.
(but still I only tried the harder stuff like hydrocodones rarely and stayed away from the dirty ones such as doing opium itself or heroin which I had tried as a teenager.)
After using codeine everyday for about a year, I have actually put on weight, I still don't look like a junkie, I can pass of a respectable member of society everywhere I go. [where they don't know I use]
But then the downside is, that much of my time and money is wasted (I'll admit I have done both crazy and low things to get the money to keep me high) with doing codeine, when I could write a blog post or read up about things I am in to now, learn this or that, meditate, find spiritual peace, go to a gym, spend time with my family or do a million other things that I'd like to do, I go out have a couple of bottles of C syrup and then go to some place of solace I like and sit contemplating nothing of importance while chain smoking ciggs or listening to music. (at first it as on an iPOD I had which I sold and then my phone which also I sold later I'll admit I got there)
Recently, many a times, I have alcohol as well.
Coming back to A drinking, I see that I can still control it, I am content with a quarter or somewhat less amounts or maybe I will have 3 beers but I don't do more because then I don't like it, I only like how you feel after 2-3 drinks, when your perception is just changing and then you get a pleasant buzz, I in fact hate it when I drink to much and the buzz is overwhelming.
Now, ever since I found about the 12 step programs, I have wanted to live the life all of those NA & AA members live; absolutely clean of everything and serene but I have not been able to do that, Often I have the urge to get back to drinking socially once again, stay of drugs, just have alcohol in moderation but the trouble is I haven't been able to get clean of C. Finally, I'll arrive the question (which you might find stupid and excruciatingly redundant) but I'll ask it anyway:
Is it ok if I can get back to drinking in a controlled manner even if I tend towards problem drinking at times. (If I can manage it which it seems to me I can)
Drugs I can not have and don't want to have, but I still feel like being able to enjoy a booze buzz every once in a while. My mind rebels when I tell it that I'll be sober of all things till I die ...
If you feel that alcohol isn't a problem for you and you truly only like the feel after having two drinks....always limit yourself to just two. I think I would be a little worried about it if I felt my mind was rebelling at the thought of staying sober until I die. I think when we find a comfort in something whether it be pills/alcohol or anything like that and when we know we've been addicted to something....that's just a sign telling us that we have an addictive personality which lets us come to be addicted easily to other things. Let me ask you this, if when you gave up the drinking because you decided you liked the effects of pills better....do you think you would have continue the drinking if you didn't try the pills? Just be careful, drinking can make us feel that we can try anything...would hate to see your pill up a pill after having a drink or two...best wishes to you
Your entire post (history) is about mind altering substances. Whats your defininition of a full blown addict ? If there was such a thing you sound well on your way. Pretty soon those 2 or 3 drinks will turn to 5 or 6. You found the 12 step program,does that mean your working a program or just going to meetings. Remember,,people without problems dont usually ask if they have problems,,keep going to meetings and you may find out some things,,gl
Reread your post and noticed something else,,"I"m not a full blown addict",,,"I saw others worse then me",,the downside is just time and money,,thats justification,and finnally,,whats a addict look like? Everyone in the forum can probably pass for a respectable member of society but most of us are addicts.
Raj my friend, you know the answer to this one.You gotta get off of all of this stuff and learn to fly on your own. I know that it has been hard for you. For all of us. Keep listening at those meetings and you will start hearing stories that all sound alike. Listen to the similarities and don't try to find differences. We are all addicts and it is a progressive disease. It always gets worse when we are in active addiction. Don't know if NA AA is similiar in India but some of the things they say here is "one(pill) is too many and 1000 never enough for an addict. We have to go through some suffering to get ourselves back. It is hard not to use when you feel so down and void of spirit. You have to take time and care to fill that big painful empty hole with the right stuff not another substance. God planted good seeds their and we've allowed drugs crowd them out like weeds. That hole is a God shaped hole. Be careful what you try to fill it with. It takes time. God Bless, Corey
First of all welcome to the site. We are happy to have you join us.
Addiction and alcoholism are diseases that are spewing with denial and justifications. As I read your post i hear those two things over and over again. You are no better or no less of an addict or alcoholic than someone who shoots heroin 5 times a day. If alcohol or drugs become something that starts to affect other areas of your life, and become avenues to escape, or 'get high, or buzzed', then its a problem. I think you are asking permission to drink socially when you already know the answer. You are the one who ultimately decides, but what is so great about going out drinking all night and feeling miserable for 1-2 days afterward? The alcohol has a stronger hold on you than you think. It will be your downfall.
There's a life waiting to be lived here. Leave the drugs and alcohol and get on with your life. You are headed down a road of destruction, and it's only a matter of time before you are sitting in the same spot as 'those other people that are worse than you'. Just because I get my pills from a doctor doesn't mean i'm any better than someone who prostitutes herself for a bag of heroin every day. We are both addicts and will go to any length to get our fix. If you want sobriety bad enough, you have to be willing to go to any length to get it. And that means staying clear of getting high,.......occasional drink for the 'buzz' and so on. Once you stop the drugs and the drinking, you will realize that life can be exciting and fun without having to drink or use. It takes time, but you will learn how to live life sober and learn how to be free and have that inner peace we all search for.
Keep posting my friend.
well, I am stating the truth here and it is that I have been trying to clean up of all substances for quite some time and have failed over and over again [more than half measures at least since January (in feb I went in for detox as well but slipped as soon as I was out anyway) this year which means more than 6 months]. Honestly, only two reasons motivate me to be clean:
1) I'd also so so like to be clean, serene and happy as so many members I see in the fellowships.
[And Corey, it's the same NA / AA program here too, the same 12 steps, same slogans, big book, basic text etc only translated in local languages. But now that English has almost taken over as the official language of India in the big cities at least, it's mostly the same program and in English.]
2) Abusing substances had without doubt caused a lot of problems in my life. [though drugs had done most of the damage and drinking seemed to be the lesser of the two evils]
But the unfortunate truth is that I just can't manage to be clean. The real real truth is that I get so crazy after being clean and sober for a short period like say 10-15 days, I am miserable anyway without getting high in fact I feel I am more miserable than when I am using [not true but I am miserable not high definitely], my life becomes so humdrum and boring feeling that something [something huge] is missing, I am out of every thing and at night I just don't feel like my day is complete.
Now one big reason is of course that I don't find any joy in other things which most of the rest of humanity lives for. I need that extra excitement in my life which using things gives me. While other people are just content with a job which is repetitive, spending time at home (in this one thing, I am a true addict, I don't have good relations with 'most anyone in my family or even outside) , eating, watching TV and going to sleep only to do the same thing the next day all over again. I am always running away from them, without using I always feel like I can simply not cope after a while say 10-15 days, this I feel deep down is what I need to work on:
living and 'enjoying' life without the use of drugs and living life on it's own terms but I haven't been able to learn these 2 things after trying so hard also ...
I understand where you are coming from! In the health pages read the PAWS information. Sounds like thats what is getting you at the 10-14 day mark. And for me, it comes and goes throughout sobriety. We have been drinking and drugging for so long, we don't know how to live life w/o drugs. Its something we have to learn all over again, and its hard and its scarey! Pushing away family and friends and isolating is classic addict behavior...you aren't alone here either. If you can get to some meetings, try to make some new friends there. If you start working the steps, you'll learn how to make amends to those who have been affected by this and can have stronger relationships than ever before. Remember, that AA/NA is a FELLOWSHIP. Here in USA they have all kinds of activities. BBQs, cookouts, dances, softball/baseball teams, all sorts of meetings for different needs. Use these free resources. You are going to have to keep an open mind and try everything because you just don't know what you are going to like or dislike. Don't sell yourself short, you may find an activity or certain meeting that really does it for you. Another good thing to do is volunteer to chair the meeting or be the greeter. You can meet all kinds of people by doing this. The great thing is that you recognize the point where you struggle. double up on meetings during that time. talk to people-even strangers- about what you're going through. Chances are, they went through it too and can share what worked for them.
What you've done in the past is not working. Continuing to go back to the alcohol and thinking you can have a few drinks here and there isn't an option (look back at past experiences), it eventually leads you to the drugs my friend. Stay strong and keep posting!
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