Qitting without really WANTING to quit

[witsend0603]

Has anyone here ever quit their DOC without really wanting to but knowing that they needed to.. that's kinda the frame of mind I am in right now... I know that I needed to stop but didn't really want to.. is that crazy... I don't understand it.. maybe it's just the emotional that I am going through right now.. problem is .. I have heard alot of people here say that you will only quit when you want to .. how do you weigh the difference between what you know needs to be over but the part of you that doesn't want it to end...

[mxboggie]

Thanks for the great reading.......on day 4 of cold turkey and I enjoyed this reading.  I never realized how much time I spent looking for my DOC.......what wasted time!

[ClaudiaKishi]

I want to quit too..

[narla]

I'll be totally honest the only reason I quit both of my addictions (alcohol and codeine) was because my Doctor did a routine blood test and in 2 years my liver count had more than tripled.It's now back to normal but I know if I go down the same path it will eventually kill me.I realise I can't have 1 drink or just drink every now and again it always gets back to every day,same with the codeine 2 pills becomes 3,then 4 etc:so I made a decision that although I enjoyed what I was doing it wasn't in my best interest to keep doing it.I also became a grandma 1 year ago just another added incentive.186 day clean of both addictions.

[witsend0603]

That is exactly what I am doing right now.. basking in the positive.. tomorrow is another day and I will try to carry this positive thinking into my day tomorrow and from now on.. thanks for the boost as usual.. and yes I am very pleased with how our meeting went and hubby was too.. he said it really helped him alot to talk to someone else also...

[WannaBeFree79]

I am so happy it went well.  You sound very pleased :)  Sound like a great source of support.  I like that about not thinking about anything past today.....I think we as addicts tend to do that a lot.  Were used to thinking ahead....for example making sure we have enough pills to get us through tomorrow.  That a habit thats probably a good idea to break.  My prayers are with you.  Stay strong and when your feeling down....try to think about all the good things sobriety will bring, and all the good things it has brought in just this short time already.

God Bless :)

WannaBeFree

[witsend0603]

And another thing I forgot to mention... just so some of you will know that we went to the right person.. he told us FLAT OUT... don't even think about anything past today.. don't burden yourself about tomorrow or the next day or the next... take it one day at a time and before long you won't even need to count the days anymore...

[witsend0603]

Thanks vicki.. I know what we did tonight was the absolute right thing ... it was exactly what we needed to get a real kick in the butt reality check... don't get me wrong .. pastor is a very supportive and caring man but also very blunt and real.. that's exactly what we both needed  and I did truly find alot of peace in that.. no judgement just cold hard facts of life... he's very straight forward and won't sugar coat consequences.. but at the same time caring and supportive... so for us I think it is the perfect recipe.. firm yet loving...

[vicki595]

..."hope that all of you can find the peace that I have found tonight"...

Profound and simply beautiful...

I'm happy for you,you're in the right place.  Good work,Kiddo!!

Vicki   xo

[witsend0603]

Jacky.. you have been an inspiration to me the whole time I have been here.. just want you to know that first off... I am not mormon so I don't really understand how all that works.. I am Baptist.. just got back home .. WOW WOW WOW.. that's about all I can say... this meeting was WONDERFUL... for me and my husband.. no judgement WHATSOEVER... this pastor is so patient and understanding and most importantly SUPPORTIVE in every sense of the word.. he talked with us for 2 hours.. even made himself late for a meeting he was attending to stay with us a little longer.. I learned alot tonight.. he opened my eyes to alot of things and re-assured both of us that this wasn't the first time this has ever been brought to him and he's sure it will happen again in the future with someone else.. but in no way shape or form did he at any time tell us how horrible we were and that we were just evil.. lol... he did tell us that he would in no way minimize the issue but that for me and hubby both to be rest assured that we were not alone.. other people have overcome this and so can we.. he also said how proud he was that we were able to take the most important steps which was 1 admitting there was a problem and 2 asking for help and guidance... he also made sure before we left that we had all his phone numbers so that we could call him 24/7 if we ever started to feel weak.. he said he would be the accountability person for us if that's what we wanted.. so I feel really good about what has happened today and my husband agreed that we made a good leap of faith today... best wishes to all and I hope that all of you can find the peace that I have found tonight..

[cleanmom]

Its funny that you post this because just today i was saying to Paul why cant i just take my pills and be happy, why is such a big deal, why cant i just have enough take them for the rest of my life and be happy. Emotionally, this was how i was feeling, intelectually, i know better. Intelectually, i know there would never be enough pills and that this is not okay. I wish i had the courage you did to go to your pastor. So here it is, i am a Mormon and this kind of thing is seriously shunned. I want to go to my Bishop but am afraid of the repurcussions. I could lose my membership, my temple priveleges and embarass a lot of people. I also think though that if i am not honest with him then i am not being honest with God. So maybe i dont deserve my membership priveleges anymore. I dont know, its so confusing but i think you did the right thing and i think it will help a lot. I wish you only the very best and wanted to let you know that you are not alone!! I am 25 days clean today and these feelings are still haunting me too!!!! Luv, Jacky

[CML64]

First let me say, what a GREAT first steps!!

I got clean because I needed to. I stayed clean because I WANTED to. It has been so worth it.

Christine

[vicki595]

Hi!

I really don't agree with the "fake it 'til you make it" suggestion. Not with addiction!
We've been "faking it" for a long time: Lying,denial etc...fake emotions,fake life,fake person.  In my opinion, quitting and recovery is all about honesty and truth...toward ourselves!  Why fake how you feel/what you do/how you are??   Remember :  "To thine own self be true"...?    Okay...off that (for now)...

Witsend...I'm happy to hear both of you are going to see your Pastor.  I think your question has been answered by you!   You DO want to quit...that's why you "stepped out of your box" and approached your Pastor.  

Forget about" need "and" want "...those thoughts will hang you up...just go for it!!

Just my opinion...

All the best and keep posting...

Vicki  xo

[worried878]

I kinda think lots who have quit wished they did not NEED to quit...kinda like if we could use and never develop tolernce causing us to take more and more...never went broke buying pills...never ever ran outta pills early...no reprocussions to our health...etc...perhaps some woulda never quit in the first place...but this is not the scenario....it almost gets impossible to be a responsible productive person and maintain a decent life and use after a while...for me it didnt really come down to wanting to quit...but Needing to quit..it just didnt fit in anymore..and caused enuf problems in my life..so perhaps in the end I Wanted to quit..cos I was sick and tired of being sick and tired..becomes not so fun anymore

So in a way I see ur analogy of this whole thing!  LOL   Doesnt mean u wont make it tho

[notgoingdown]

there is a poster here named catuf that has been clean for YEARS and he had a really REALLY bad pill habit.. 25-30 a day. He had gone so far that he turned to crack to get thru the wd's. He was more or less forced into rehab. he had a relapse about a year ( i think) after he got clean but other than that he was able to get and stay clean before he had reached the bottom that would make him want to get into recovery. I am sure he will be on here later to offer his advice.

[troubleinohio]

well i definitely would like a set up like that as I have tried NA once and its just too hard for me to schedule in a meeting because of my oldest son's school schedule (I have one in school, and one still at home w/ me and No babysitter that I can get easily- my mom is always willing to, but just cant). Anyhow I havent been in a church in....years, and only for funerals or weddings. Im not saying I dont believe in God but have difficulty with organized religions. Plez dont let this start a war w/ anyone, i would hate to see flaming for religious stuff here...ive never seen it on this site before in all these years and hope it never happens. Anyhow, I wouldnt feel comfortable walking into a church and say, "hey, I havent been to church EVER in the normal way, and youre a total stranger to me, but pastor could you give me some support and help me stay clean off pills? "     I just cant  see that happening.  You are lucky you're established in a church and know your pastor and can do this. Im happy for you =)

[witsend0603]

Thanks for the vote of confidence... and I will keep everyone posted on progress and how our meeting goes.. I don't know exactly where you are as far as a spiritual aspect.. but if you wish you could do what I did.. then why not try and find a church and pastor you are comfortable with in your area.. you can do it too... and as for the want verses the need... I am just really confused about that part right now.. I know I need to quit and a big part of me wants to ... but there is that little voice that whispers.. you know you're gonna miss me and how I make you feel..

[troubleinohio]

this is a really good thread to read...lots of good responses and WannabeFree79 really hit home with me so much, our stories are so alike , especially the cycle of chasing the pills, the high that would never come again and most of all basing what you do/dont do with your kids cuz of the stupid pills. I was the same way and it still makes me sad to think about it now. So many times my little boys wanted me to play cars with them or ball out in the yard and I was either to dopesick to do it, or too high and wanted to go zone out playing a wordgame on the computer instead!!!! SICK!!!! I feel so much guilt still and always will. My poor boys.
As for you, Witsend...Im SO glad you told your pastor and are going to counseling wtih him! that is absolutely wonderful, I think it will help you tremendously. It makes me wish I belonged to a church and could do the same thing, but I dont.   And as for your original question...for most of us...we had to WANT to quit before we actually did and stayed clean. Most of teh people who quit because they "needed" to, usually end up relapsing for sure. That doesnt mean you will too for sure, but definitely makes it a little harder to stay clean.  I hope you make it. I think the counseling thing will make a big difference though, and I hope your husband can get/stay clean too. Please keep us posted.

[witsend0603]

That is sooo funny... that is exactly what I told my husband about picturing it... the angel on one side and the little devil on the other and both talking in the ear of their side... so to speak... I thought I was the only person that thought in those terms...lol.. guess not... but yeah .. it is nice to have him know what it all feels like... not that I am happy he is in pain too but at least I am not alone in my thoughts and feelings...

[WannaBeFree79]

That could work out for the best.  He totally understands what you are going through.  Sometimes I wish hubby understood what I was going through, but a non-addict can not really grasp it.  My doctor tried to explain it to him somewhat and he still wasn't getting it.  She did however get him out of the mentality that addicts can just quit when they feel like it.  He does understand to a point that its a disease now.

On a funnier note, when I read sweatinits post about the lies the pills tell us....which is sooooo true all i could picture was a scene from the cartoons.  You know with the angel on one shoulder talking in your ear and a pill on the other shoulder (which is a devil)  But really thats how it feels, have one half of your brain saying you can do it, get rid of the pills, and the other half giving you 101 reasons why you should take more.

[witsend0603]

Oh... he's not sooo supportive right now.. he's doing this WITH me... he's quitting too.. so he is also having a hard time with the ups and downs... at least he can't be judgemental with me though and I guess that's a good thing for me..lol.. he can't judge what I have done when he is doing the exact same thing right?.. so we are actually going today for both of us.. not just me

[witsend0603]

Ok.. so are you saying to basically fake my mind into believing that I WANT this more than I NEED it?  I am trying to ward off all the thoughts of craving .. sometimes it's harder than others but I am doing all I can to deal with it... I don't really have a choice in the matter anymore... no pills anywhere around so I HAVE to deal with the thoughts and emotions... I have no choice...

[WannaBeFree79]

Good Luck tonight, that is wonderful to hear.  Isn't it a strange feeling you get when you finally let that secret out?  I can't explain how it feels, but its a good feeling isnt it?  I think it almost holds us more accountable for our actions, now that other people are here to help we don't want to let them down.  Its great your hubby is so supportive, thats going to deffinately help you be successful.  We all need a cheerleader *\O/* lol telling us we CAN DO THIS!  Its a huge help.

God Bless!

WannaBeFree

[witsend0603]

YOU ARE DEFINITELY NOT ALONE.... I have found that out more than ever over the last month that I have been here... there are soooo many emotions that go along with this crap... it's absolutely insane... I told my husband yesterday that our first 15 years of marriage were soooo happy... we were just happy being us and loving each other .. but the last 2 years of our marriage have been a roller coaster of up one minute and down the next.. constantly fighting over who takes more pills and who is getting shorted... or who is taking more in one day and feeling better than the other.. it's crazy.. and again... we are chasing a high that no longer comes.. tolerance has been built up so much that you just don't even feel good anymore...

[sweatinit]

have you ever heard the saying "fake it until you make it"? That's pretty much working for me. I think  there is a small part in all of our addicted brains that tells us lies about the "good" things while using. I have to remember that they are just that; LIES. I had 40+ days and listened to those lies one night. Dumb! Anyway the point is, the time comes when you just have had enough and you either have to pooh or get off the pot. Keep faking it and you'll make it :)