Question about cocaine

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Hi, I havea question. My BF does Cocaine. I have never done the stuff in my life or any other drug for that matter. I only drink on the weekends. It really bothers me because I seen many of my friends waste their lives away when I was younger from Cocaine and Heroine.

Anyways this is something we are always arguing about, Even before we were dating it bothered me. Thing is he says he is not addicted to it and could quit if he wanted. He doesn't do it every day, usually just on the weekends. I think it would bother me less if I just didn't see it. I hate seeing him put it up his nose and I hate it when he makes a point to tell me he JUST DID A RAIL. He says he tells me because he doesn't want me to think he is lying. Lying? I know he does it, I just don't want to see it because it is a no win situation.

The other night we went out, he promised me he wouldn't do any and we would just have a night out together. Like 5 minutes later he went off and did a rail. Then another. God knows how many more. So I just let it go. We were walking home, it was about 3AM and we stopped at a corner store, I was pretty drunk and the BF started talking to some guy outside that he didn't even know. The guy was looking for blow so the BF strikes a deal with him, he'll hook him up but he wants some. The guy agrees. He turns to me and is just like, you okay to walk home by yourself? At that point I was just so angry I walked away. He didn't even know this guy but it seemed it was more important for him to go with him just cause he wanted to get high.

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He ended up showing back up about 1 hour later, he knew I was pissed but tried to get all lovey dovey with me and I just shoved him away, we started arguing, he was giving me all these excuses, he admitted he knew I was pissed and he admitted I had a right to be but he didn't seem to get it nore did he seem to care. In the heat of the moment while arguing over this I slapped him and he flipped, I have never ever hit anyone in my life and I felt so bad instantly I felt like throwing up.

The fight only lasted a couple minutes and he calmed down and said he wasn't mad anymore I slapped him and knew I didn't mean to.

Then what did he do?

Broke out a line on my kitchen table. I was just so tired and upset I didn't even say anything.

What I want to know is does this sound like he is addicted and is just in denial? He said he is a recovering coke user, I feel if that's the case it would be much easier for him to fall into it again. I love him and care about him so much, I just don't want to see him doing this anymore and we are trying to conceive our first and he promised if I got pregnant he would quit it altogether but how do I know that?

He is always full of excuses and defending himself in the silliest ways and he hates that I point it out cause he knows I am right.

Should I just let it go? Let him do it, act like it doesn't bother me? I am not sure what kind of damage cocaine can do to a person's body but I have always been told it is bad and not to get into it.

[mslkpage]

Now is not the time to be trying to get pregnant. If you get pg, he'll promise to quit once the baby is born. After that, he'll promise to quit once things aren't so stressful- bringing a baby into this situation is a bad idea.

If he's not already dependant on cocaine, he is heading in that direction. Interesting that he refers to himself as a "recovering coke user." Usually, people in recovery acknowledge that they have a problem, and he's not doing that. As long as you accept what he's doing and there are no consequences, he will continue to use.

[cakegirl]

Hi, Just a prequalifer, my opinion and experience are just that, I often word things in absolutes (sp?) and I don't know you or your friend so I hope my opinion does not offend.

I have many years experience with cocaine and almost all of my "friends" are or have been hard core users.

I always say that when it comes to coke you are addicited way before you know it.
For whatever reason, at some point in my early use of coke the great feeling I was getting must have solved a problem, or in reality allowed me to escape a problem. My brain recogonized that, and poof I was addicted.  I didn't know I was, but I sure was. What that came down to was a  quick fix to a small current problem, which in the end, led to a major problem...cocaine.

I have made every denial and excuse, I refused to acknowledge myself and my problem for years. I could justify it in any way shape or form. The most prevelant being I only do it on weekends.  The problem is that if I couldn't get it on any given weekend, I was a pouting miserable *****. Ok, that is a problem.
I could justify that at least I wasn't missing work, or selling my TV. You name it. This is also true of most of my friends who were and are still in denial.  

Weekend use became every other day. then at work, then every day. I justified that because I only did a $40, or I can make a $40 last all day. This is a crock. Just lying to myself and everyone else.
It got worse and I was starting to get sick a lot. Mostly sinus infections and respitory stuff. Go figure. Still, I tried to excuse it away. I even went a far as to get algery tested and tried to blame it on algerys. I always went to work, remember the ad about working to make more money to buy more coke so I can work longer to make more money to buy more coke and so on.
It is a rat race and vicious cycle. I abused the drug so much I burned a hole in my nose. I justified somehow being better than some of my friends who also have holes because I had surgery with in a month of discovering the hole and they have still not fixed theirs.  After that, I used coke by putting it under my tounge.

Do I even need to go on?  The point of telling you just a really small portion of the ugly life of cocaine that I led, is to show you how twisted a tale somebody can weave. They lie to you and themselves. This drug is more important (in my experience) than anything when someone is in the throws of it. Your friend didn't care to let you walk home alone at 3AM? Who does that? I would have done it too. I would not have cared deep down unless something had happened, then the guilt would be awful, but not awful enough to make me stop coke.
I hope I have not made you upset, there is always a way out for your friend. I think you have to remember that this person will only change when they are ready. You can love them and try to support them, and please do what is comfortable for you, but keep in mind, this is powerful stuff and most adicts will choose the drug over anything. It had nothing to do with you, and it is not your fault. I hope your friend gets better soon. I have to admit, I still have struggles all the time with my choices to do it or not do it. I don't always win the battle. I do win way more often than not.
Also, another reality check, most of my "dealers (I called them Friends, we spent time together like friends)" all got busted and are in big trouble. Good Luck

[cakegirl]

Hi again, one more thing, I know my story makes me sound like I am super messed up, but most likely, if you met me you would never know the measure of my problem/problems. Cocaine, and i guess most addicts, are the best actors on the planet. We should put our talent to some good use and maybe we could be winning academy awards. I functioned remarkablly well under the cuirucmstances, so just be aware and keep your eyes open, if you look closely (and most people are too consumed with themselves to do this) you can see

[Grog]

HI,your relationship is much like anyone who is in a codependent relation ship with additions.  Ex husband was coke user and alcoholic for years...I finally left him.  I have been attending "Coda" meetings for several years which have helped me move on and set boundaries.  I have two grown kids as well.  If you could start with an alanon or open AA meeting and move onto groups that are specific to what you are dealing with then that could be very helpful for you in sorting out where you want your life to go.  Addicts put themselves first even if they profess their undying love for you.  It is about manipulation and guilt.  I know you love this guy (been there done that) but my advice is to take care of yourself and "allow" yourself to want and enjoy a better life with someone who is dependable and trustworthy.  Run from this guy, don't walk.  If he wants help, you can be a support system to him but put yourself first....if he kicks this habit he has to do it because he knows he has a problem and wants to quit.  You can't change him.  He "can" change himself but has to realize that he is heading towards a dead end.  God Bless and best of luck to you.  A good book to read is Melody Beattie's Books...Codependent No More and Facing Codependency...you will love these books and they are extremely helpful.

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Hi there, you guys aren't upsetting me at all. I know that there are different types of users etc.

Thing is with him he doesn't do it all the time. I have known him for like 7 months or so and he only really does it when we go out IF he runs into someone who has it, which was like the other night. Usually if he promises not to do it he doesn't. I know all the signs, no one can fool me when they are high on that ****. He won't lie to me over it.

If he has money he always asks me if I need something first, like to pay a bill or whatever, he would give it to me before buying the drugs. I just worry that it could get worse like others say. I said to him the other day, think of all the money you would save if you didn't buy it. Usually he doesn't even have to, people just give it to him.

I was worried because he is having nose problems. First he had a viral infection but did coke while he had that and now it's a struggle to get better, I told him the coke has probably caused damage while he was ill.

The other night when we got in the fight over him leaving me alone in the middle of the night he was all mad thinking it was over the coke and went to flush it. He truly believes it's not a big deal and he can give it up whenever. That maybe so but what if it does get worse and he does get suckered into the terrible world of drugs 24/7? I just care too much. I wish he just wouldn't do it.

He's stubborn over everything though, not just the coke use, ANYTHING, you know must be a male ego thing, he thinks he's right about everything and thinks he can finish my sentences.

[cakegirl]

I am stubborn too.  I hear your words, but do you? sounds like you are making excuses and justifying his use and behavior.  Do you think a non addict or casual user would keep using during an illness, let alone one involving the part used to party with. Try reading the response you wrote here as if you had no connection to the people its written about. Let me know if you see what others do

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Oh I see it, I even told him he was a freegan idiot for doing it while sick but he had this excuse that it was free, blah blah.

I know it may sound like I could be making excuses for him but I am really only writing down as I see it, considering I see it in reality. Others can only read my words and sometimes I am not good at expressing what I mean or feel when writing it down. I am just afraid it could get worse you know? He does only do it when offered which is like on the weekends, it's like he is a weekend addict but I am afraid it will turn into a everyday habit.

He won't touch any other drugs, it's just cocaine.

[lucylocket2]

Now I know what my friends heard a few years back. My husband was a user. I went thru the same thing you are going thru. He will see the light soon, I hope. It took me leaving for dh to recover. He moved from cocaine to crank. He could make it and it was cheaper. He was not the type of person others stereo type as a user. After I left he was though.Cared about nothing,but the drug. I had to leave in order to help him. It broke my heart becaue I felt like I wasn't there thru better or worse. It was something I had to do though. He is NOT  going to stop as long as you condone it. He will say he can stop- tell him to prove it. i know where you are and my heart goes out to you. I come over this way some, so I am here if ya need to chat. Please, what ever you do - do not get pg . You might think it will make him stop - it won't. Tough love sometimes is the best. Use it.

[cakegirl]

I couldn't agree more. I was in the beginning of my addiction and I got pregnant, by choice, thought it would make me quit forever. All it did was make me quit for 9 months, resent my pregnancy, make me unliveable ect. I managed to never use during pregnancy, but my decision not to breastfeed is directly linked to my desire to be able to use coke asap. How pathetic. I am embarrassed. My point, I just think the denial that goes along with this drug, and the lies are major and almost a given. I have yet to meet a coke addict that dosen't lie and try to hide it.. You said you have never done it or any drug? I am sure that you are not stupid, however, remember the acting skills, and the lack of direct using experience on your part, and try to be ultra aware of the truth vs. the lies  good luck today, and keep me updated if you want. I just don't want to see you hurting over that which can not be controlled

[Omaha]

My husband uses cocaine everyday. He has been fired from his job because he could not pass the drug test. I have no idea how much he uses on a daily bases, when I am at home I have seen him do it as soon as he gets up and several times during the day. He is a heavy drinker also. He drinks atleast a gallon of vodka a week. Since my father was a dealer and user, I never wanted cocaine to be a part of my life. When my husband and I got married we both agreed that we wanted a "normal life". 10 years later he starts using. He has no drive, he stays up all night and sleeps during the day, and sex is really kinky now. Most of the time he cant even come. I asked him to quit doing the drug for me and his answer was that our problems were not because of the drug. He would tell me to do one thing and get mad because I did it. He says I have premenapause and that is why we are having trouble. I am 42 and still having a period. When I tell him that things are bothering me, he gets mad and says **** it and says yeah yeah I always **** things up and then I usually hear of all the things I do wrong. I just want to know from someone is it me or does he have a drug problem. Is it the coke or is it just his personality. I have been struggling with this for over 4 years, waiting on those good days.

[cakegirl]

I would say it is the drug. I also have a husband who tries to twist things and somehow make me feel and think I am the crazy person. we were both using coke at the same time, he quit for the most part, and I kept going. this caused me to sneak, hide, and lie a lot. I know that sometimes I can be crazy, but he also used my weakness to confuse me at times. you are in a hard predicament because he is having an affair with cocaine. think of the drug as the other woman. I know for myself that when I was in deep, everyday use, coke was my BEST FRIEND, and all my activites and rituals revolved around getting it, doing it, thinking about it, I know I felt guilty all the time, but could not stop. I channelled my guilt into anger and focused it on those closest to me. I think if you focus on yourself and try to live everyday doing what makes you happy, make yourself well and complete, maybe he will start to feel left out and want to think about what this drug is taking him away from. during this time in my life, my husband stopped trying to fight me on my choices and he did to me what I recommended to you. He joined a new religous community, he made new friends, took up hobbies he enjoyed and so on. I was left feeling alone in my marriage and wondering if my "fun" was really that fun. I don't know if this tactic would work in your situation, but the worst outcome could be that you gain some you time and build your confidence and happiness again. Good LUck and write me back with your thoughts. Sincerely, cakegirl -K

[Omaha]

He has an explosive personality, he lets me know if he feels ignored or is not getting what he wants. It is mostly my fault, I tried to keep things in the house happy so I did whatever he wanted or tried to anticipate anything he might get mad at. He is such a different person now. He has no drive anymore. He does not care about working, just make enough money to pay bills. In the past he and I worked together to get things. He has been staying up a day or two at a time and not eating. He does this periodically. He tries to make it out like it is his back or something bothering him. He stays sick alot. I have to get up at 5:15 am for work and he stays up late. If I go to bed early he gets mad and accuses me of not caring to be with him.  So, I stay up usually til 12 and sometimes 1am. Then he comes in the room and talks to me or makes noise. This is killing me. His bed time here lately is 4:30 am. He sleeps till he decides to get up. Is it just me always blaming the bad things on cocaine or is it really his personality. He was not this bad before. I think if I told him I was leaving if he did not stop, he will get mad and tell me to leave. Of course he would make my life a living hell if I did. He has threatened me several times. I dont have any family to go to, so I am kinda stuck. Well I know it is near Christmas, so you all be kind and have a safe year.