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Question from shocked wife of newly disclosed husband's opiate use...
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Question from shocked wife of newly disclosed husband's opiate use/abuse.

Hello, My husband has just told me that he has been using/abusing opiates for over a year and a half without my knowledge. (I did wonder where the money was going but didn't think of anything like that.) Anyway, he is detoxing himself (allegedly) and is very weepy and has an answer for everthing. He is suddenly an expert on drug detox and withdrawal and everything related. He is almost 40 years old. We are upper middle class people, have 5 sons from toddler age to college......I am at a loss. Question - is it likely he can detox himself?
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Avatar_m_tn
Some people have a very hard time sleeping during the first week or two of withdrawals.  If it's been more than two weeks that he's been completely off the opiates then I'm not sure what would do it.  Unfortunately I know nothing about steroids.  

I guess for someone who is an insomniac getting off the opiates would probably really through their sleeping patterns out of whack.  The ability to get a normal nights sleep seems to be the last thing that returns to normal as far as the physical withdrawals go.
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Avatar_f_tn
Is it possible? Absolutley! Can HE do it? Well, that's up to him. If he truly wants to stop, he can, but some kind of aftercare is a must! I used opiates on and off for over 2 1/2 years and am on day 4 of withdraw and I feel really good! I have had withdraw in the past that were complete misery, but still, one CAN do it, if they really want to.

I am sure it is a shock to you, but it is more common than you know. If someone were to pick who would be the addict out of a line up 5 years ago, I know NO ONE would have picked me, but here I am! Don't be afraid to seek a therapist/counselor for YOURSELF, that's a lot to take in.

How many days into withdrawl (withdrawal) is he? Don't worry about his health, he should be just fine surviving the withdraw, but worry that he may seek out pills during that time, so just try to be as supportive as you can WITHOUT babying him! Don't underestimate what an addict will do to get their drug, sadly everyone I know has lied, cheated, and stolen to get their fix, it comes with the territory. You hear of people robbing pharmacies all the time, its because they get real desperate!
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751197_tn?1270317756
If your husband is in a lot of discomfort, you could take him to a hospital for admission to a medical detox unit. Any general hospital has the legal and clinical ability to provide a similar detox protocol, but the best setting for him (if he wants to do this) would be a specialized detox unit where he can be with others going through similar experiences, rather than be placed in a "scatter-bed" setting, where he could be rooming with someone receiving cardiac care, gall bladder surgery, or whatever.

Going through a detox program in a hospital setting will also give him some exposure to the basic concepts that are essential to recovery, as opposed to simply titrating off the drugs. I would strongly suggest that he attend 12-step meetings frequently, and also consider a short-term inpatient rehab if he has had addiction treatment before. If he has had no such treatment, either for alcohol or any other drugs, he could try a local outpatient addiction counseling program, one or more evenings per week while he continues going to work during the day and attending N.A. or A.A. meetings the other evenings. Recovery from any addiction - especially opioids - is a lengthy and demanding experience. He will need lots of support, both from you (in helping to keep him on track to the extent that you are able) and from other recovering addicts who can give him hope by describing what has worked for them.

You could also seek out an Al-Anon (http://www.al-anon.alateen.org) or Nar-Anon (http://www.nar-anon.org), which provide information and support to family members and other loved ones of those in recovery. You need to take care of your own needs too!

Best wishes.
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495284_tn?1333897642
What was he taking and how much?  I am only asking as some meds have to be tapered down......
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352798_tn?1343321200
I know it's a shock. At least he has admitted it to you. That is HUGE. The first step to getting free is to admit it to those he knows and to himself. If he is in detox now, look at this for some helps.  http://www.medhelp.org/health_pages/Addiction/Thomas-Recipe-Re-Posted/show/16?cid=66
Get Epsom salts for bathing the aching muscles. 3cups/bath. Lots of bananas too.

You might have him join this site too. There are lots of us who was where he is now. sometimes having people to ask questions to is oh so helpful.

As dominosara said too; try to find out what all he is taking. The amounts per dose, and the total dosage per day. Don't be shocked when he tells you.
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352798_tn?1343321200
      Oh and the fact he is a 'know it all' on detox may be a good thing. It may mean that he has been studying this for awhile, knowing he has a problem and trying to find ways to overcome it.
   If he is not open to help because he "Knows It All". Then we have a different problem.
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Avatar_n_tn
Kat, I would describe myself as you described your family, in terms of socio-economic status.  Addictions happen to anyone, and happen to good people.  Please, your hubbie needs your support.  That will go a long way toward helping him succeed.  I started taking opiates years ago due to thoracic back pain so bad it brought me to my knees.  I am an intelligent, educated, hard working career woman with a responsible position at work, and I'm a mom too.  And I got addicted.  None of us started out planning to get addicted.  We were looking for relief from something - pain, stress, life.  I understand your anger at your spouse, but there must be good things about him or you would not be with him.  His addiction does not define who he is.  He is human.  Being upper middle class with 5 kids sounds like a helluva lot of stress, frankly.  When you are well off financially, there is that terror of losing it all, especially in this economy.  And I think guys embody that more than women as their careers are so defining to them.  You don't say if your spouse had medical reasons or not to take the meds, but if you want your family and marriage to succeed, support him while he detoxes himself.  And yes it can be done - with a lot of support.  Take care, Shelli  
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1216523_tn?1285113808
Hi all,
Thanks so much for your help - and/or willingness to help. Ok, I asked him. He has been taking 80mg pills of Oxycontin daily (3 or 4 a day) for about a two years. We really work a lot, lots of kids etc. etc. so I guess I didn't really notice - so I guess I am an idiot myself, but I remember him sleeping so much on Sundays and that would TICK ME OFF becuase it was like one of the only days we had off and he would sleep!!!  OMG. but anyway, he says he would take ???Ativan??? to sleep on Sundays???? Sounds weird maybe. He also says if there was one point or another when he had to wait or not get any for a day or so, he would go and steal them from his father, uncles, my parents, whomever might have been having some medical procedure at whatever point. So, he would take, tylenol w/codeine, something that stars with a D????, any kind of crap he could get his hands on.
I asked where he got that stuff - won't tell me - except that from people who have people they know that have serious medical conditions and are willing to sell their medication.

Yes, I know that he needs me to support him but I am so freakin pissed right now. I mean when I think back to him driving around with our babies - or fighting with our older boys, being nasty to me.....OMG!!  And, this past year, he got into 2 accidents - neither were serious thankfully but imagine what could have happened. And, spending our freakin money on all that crap and, in the same breath, complaining about me buying something for myself or the boys????  (We both work and make about the same amount of money.)
Ok, so, bottom line is - right now - I don't believe a damn thing that he says. He says he is running to the store to get milk - I don't believe him. He wants to take the kids down to the beach (it is 4 houses away-walking distance) - I don't let him.

Oh, and some of you folks have asked. He initially told me about this on June 14th. I was shocked and honestly, didn't believe in the severity of it. He said it matter of factly, like, "Hey, I've been taking some pain meds - have been for a while - just wanted to get high, then it took more and more to get high, so I think I'm going to stop. ok - see ya after work". That was that. I am so stupid, Ithought he could/would just stop. Well, On July 10th we were at a neighbor's BBQ and he was high as a freakin kite. It all hit me like a lead balloon. We fought for a day or two. He supposedly has stopped again - as of July 13th. He has  been sick since:  jumpy, weepy, can't sleep, in the bathroom all the time, guilty, depressed, sometimes shaky, when he sleeps, (if I can tolerate sleeping near him because he now sweats so freakin much the bed is soaked and so am I!!!) he is twitching. Says he has headaches constantly. He wants me to go to the health food store and get him better vitamins, protein bars, energy drinks at the grocery store, we have a hot tub and he is in it alot now and he now wants to have a sauna put in. Big expense for,hopefully, a short term withdrawal, but, I guess it would be nice for all of us to have one.

I don't know guys. Don't know if I have it in me. I think it is the lying and putting our children at risk more than anything that I can't yet get past. Sorry if that sounds terrible - seems like you all have experienced it too and I am thrilled that you are clean or getting there but - WOW - way too much for me right now.
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495284_tn?1333897642
He is in full blown withdrawal right now.  Everything you stated is part of it.  He will get thru this part and then the hard part starts and that is the mental game.  I hope he will get some recovery care of some sort.  

I know you are struggling with this and you have every right to feel the way you do.  All i ask is that you get some outside help with this.  Alanon is free and you will find lots of people who are and have been in your shoes.  Addiction affects the whole family and you are usually the ones who get the brunt of our addiction.  Now is the time to take care of you and your babies.  You have many many mixed emotions going on and it is very overwhelming for you.  Trust is a huge obstacle to overcome but you can get over it in time.  Your husband has to take care of himself now and make his recovery the No.1 priority in his life and you have to make you the No 1 priority in your life.  Hopefully you 2 will meet in the middle.  This takes time and patience is one thing we have to work on when dealing with addiction.  Educate yourself on this and learn about how to not enable your husband.  The healthy supplements he is wanting is a good thing.  They really do help both body and mind.  Keep us updated on how you are doing ok??     sara
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Avatar_m_tn
I sliped on my family the same as he has. I have three great kids and a very loving wife. Clearly he knew there was a problem and it was eating at him or he would have not said anything. I can't say that I understand how you fell but I can tell you that if you wan't him to get throw this you are going to have to stay positive and do this with him. I know it sounds silly but he is in withdraw and you have to make him stay postive to. I know it is hard to swollow this after everything he has done but that is up to you. My wife knew I got high but she did not know I shot 1-2-3-4 OC 80's a day untill I wen't to the hospital with a belly hurting and found out I had cought HEP C from shooting up dope. Telling her was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life and now we have worked things out and have set our sights on a brighter tomorrow for us and our babies. So whatever you decide to do I wish you the best of luck and your husband the same but this is a problem you can get throw but only as a family.
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Avatar_f_tn
Trust your gut. I was "that husband" many years ago. It is very unlikely that the full withdrawal symptoms that you describe would last for a week. Generally, physical symptoms disappear in 3-4 days and then it becomes more mental symptomatic (anger,laughter,depression). I'm not saying that this is true of him, but this is how I did things back then. I would admit to my EX-wife that I had a problem and tell her that I was quitting. I neglected to tell her of my stash that I had (just to get me through withdrawals of course). When that was used up, I would get just a few more. Then I was right back where I started 30 plus Lortabs a day. If a person truly believes that they have a problem, they aren't going to be" matter of fact"when they admit it to someone they love. I checked myself into a facility 15 years ago only WHEN my ex-wife told me "I love you, but I'm not going to live like this. We divorced later because of something between her and my golf buddy, but I truly believe THAT never would have happened had it not been for my betrayal with the opiates.
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Trust your gut. I was "that husband" 15 years ago.
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Avatar_m_tn
I am engaged to a wonderful woman who is totally cluless about drugs altogether, and has absolutely no idea that I am severely addicted to opiates right now.  I am trying to get off of them, (for the 100th time), so I can live and enjoy life like everyone else does.  For some strange reason, I always feel like I need to make my day, "a little better", which is the reason I started taking painkillers to begin with.  I am taking between 6 to 10 lortab 10's daily.  I have detoxed many times, but I REALLY am having a hard time "just saying no" this time.  I do not want to quit taking pills, but I do not want my life to go to hell....again....either.  I took 7 today, and am planning to take 4 tomorrow, then 3 the following day, that way the detox won't be quite so intense.....the only problem is....I have had this "gameplan" for the last 3 months or so...and my instead of my number decreasing every day, i'll go down to 3 or 4 in a day, (which is a very low number btw) and then the next day i'll just say screw it and take 10.  This is my current situation, and my fiance knows that I am having problems in my life, but she just thinks its because i am overwhelmed with my priorities (which i am) such as work, school, and planning a wedding, (of which I will not be able to even afford if i do not get this under control VERY soon).  Each time I fail, I feel a little bit more helpless, and the only thing that takes that feeling away...is drugs.  I have been an addict since I was 14 and it is something that I have yet to truly get a grip on.  
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1216523_tn?1285113808
Thank again everyone. I will try  to check on alanon this weekend. Thanks for not being judgemental about my pissy attitude. I am truly angry and, quite frankly, I feel like I get mor and more angry each day, not less and less. However, this is really new for me so I guess I shouldn't beat myself up. I am mad that he has been doing this, mad that he's been putting our kids at risk, mad that he's been spending our money - A LOT OF IT, mad that I have to change my life and maybe start going to alanon meetings (if I can), So, wow - I can't even stand myself for talking like this.
Ok, enough about myself. He keeps telling more "stuff" each day now. Before he left for work this a.m. - he told me that he wansn't taking those pills orally - he was cutting them up and snorting them. Also, after he told me that he was stopping the first time, apparently he got ahold of some type of drug (the name of which I forget now) that starts with an S but is supposedly suppose to help a person detox off of Oxycontin's. So, I guess he has to withdraw from oxycontin, the other pain meds he did, and THAT stuff as well. He has no intention of getting any kind of outside help from AA, NA, anything like that - however, he is going to his doc today (general pract) to see about getting some antidepressants.
Ok, all for now. Have to get the babies to preschool and get to work. It is very helpful for me to hear from all of you - I dont' feel so alone.
Have a good day.
Kat
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1216523_tn?1285113808
Ok, I am back 10 minutes later. Just found some needles and a liquid drug, I think, I looked up the name of it just now and it is testosterone!!  OMG!  I wondered why now and then I would notice a bruise on his butt/legs.  OMG!!  WHy tell me about opiates and not shooting up testosterone?????!!!!  Uggghhhhhhhhhhhh
Ok, going to work now - really.
Kat
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271792_tn?1334983257
Hi Kat,

First off, you need to calm down. You are going to make yourself sick if you don't and you have to worry about the kids and yourself right now.

The "S" drug he is taking is probably Suboxone. It does help with withdrawal but the bad news is that he obviously got it on the street so he is not working a program with it. He is, again, self-medicating. Suboxone should be administered by a doctor and followed up with counseling or some form of aftercare.

If he continues to play doctor and not get professional help, he will probably continue on the merry-go-round he has himself on. There is withdrawal associated with Suboxone and it can be harder than the pain medication. People in his situation normally will go back to their original drug to get off the Suboxone and then back to the Suboxone to get off their drug, and so on and so on.

He really needs to first admit he has a problem and then ask for help. Certainly there is hope there for him but I do not believe he is going to be able to do this alone.

As far as Al-Anon, please don't look at it like a chore. You stated that you "have" to go. Not true. It was suggested to you because it is a fellowship of people who either in your same situation or have been there. they are a wonderful care group of people who will help you through every step of this, and it is free. Be grateful that there is such a place and embrace it.

As far as the Testosterone, I personally don't have a clue. The only thing I know about it is that it is a steroid. It may be a way to get high...I truly don't know. Maybe some other members can clue you in on that.

Please hang in there and take care of yourself right now until you can get everything straight as to what is going on. Try and stay calm when you approach him. Yelling at him will only cause him to push further away. I am not saying to baby him by any means but if you attack him, he will attack back. That is just human nature.

Post when you get home and let us know how you are doing.
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352798_tn?1343321200
    Oh Boy,..... I have to agree with IBKleen.....Take a deep breath and try to settle down. We all agree that this is a huge amount of info for you to process! Yes it hurts being lied to, yes it feels bad or makes you feel stupid that all of this has been happening under your nose for so long and you missed seeing it, and I am sory that you are going through this.

    The truth is he does have a problem. He has at least admitted to some of the problem. Now is the time for you to learn about his problem. Addiction comes in like a thief and slowly steals life from ALL around you. Lying, stealing drugs, hiding this..These are all too common things that happen.
   I still say that the positive here is he has admitted a problem and now you know about it. Please, for your good, and for his. Get in touch with Al-Anon. You need to talk with someone who has been there, done that. All of what you are feeling is normal, but, being upset and angry will not solve anything. If you want to help. You will need to get a handle on things.
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Avatar_m_tn
Kat92365:

Test is a a steroid and is used to build muscle when working out. I used steroids for years and it doesn't get you high.
Side affects of steroids are: anger issues, growing breasts and shrinking your penis if used excessively.
I was one of those guys you would see walking around in muscle shirts with shoulders and biceps that made all the women turn their heads and it was cool and all but I never did steroids while using opiates.

Is your husband buffed? Does he adhere to a strict diet plan? Does he work out five days a week? If the answer is no to those questions then he has no business using steroids. Test really only works when used in conjunction with needles so don't get hung up on that part.

Its hard for anyone to understand that knows nothing about drugs addicts, why they use, when they find time to use or where they get the money to use. All of those are legitimate questions.
I used drugs most of my life and hardly nobody ever knew. I was good at hiding it. At the same time I ran multiple companies so don't feel so bad.
I have been married 4 times and thank God my wife is still here. without her and my soon to be expected newborn I would be lost.

I know you feel betrayed but don't let it ruin your marriage just yet. This stuff happens to the best of people and its the shame of being addicted that keeps most users in the closet. It must have taken a lot for him to tell you he was an addict. I'm sure he knew it was going to hurt you and it must have been one of the most difficult things to ever do.

Your husband is an addict in more ways than one. using test and opiates together is crazy. Not sure how you have the urge to work out for three hours while on opiates but I guess some people could do it.
You need to see a doctor. Suboxone is a terrific drug and if he was taking it before that means he has been fighting this demon for a while now. I'm sure you love him, so try to put your hurt feelings aside and be supportive. Just don't let him do it on his own. Put your foot down and make him see a doctor for recovery help. he doesn't need to be admitted to hospital, just get a treatment plan going and see a counselor.

good luck honey, I know its hard.

God bless
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Avatar_m_tn
The fact that your husband came clean with you is a huge step.  Huge...  I never came clean with my wife because I was afraid that she'd react the way you're reacting.  Try to imagine how hard it was and is for him to admit to you all the things that he's done.  Secrets are a huge part of the addiction sickness and the fact that he's telling you these things is a great sign and again a huge step for him.  He's probably tried to get clean many times without telling you and failed.  
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352798_tn?1343321200
  Very well said.
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Avatar_m_tn
Thank you.  I was going to say more but I was trying not to be a jerk(which is hard for me sometimes).  
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Danny (Ha!)
great post brother.

Like I said, its hard for those people to understand why addicts are the way they are. I really believe its in your DNA.
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Avatar_m_tn
It's something.  If we knew we'd get rid of it I guess and be regular folk.  I guess it's very hard for non addicts to understand why we do the things we do(or did).  
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1216523_tn?1285113808
Hi!!  I am back from work. I made it through without freaking out on my students!  :)  Ok, I have calmed down some. I know it is hard for him and glad he finally told me the truth. Must have been hard I'm sure.

Yes, he is buff - works out 5 days a week. We actually both go to the gym at 5 every morning. I go M-F and mostly do cardio. He lifts with a bunch of other guys every morning. Then, he goes to work and I come home and get all the kids ready. (Oh, we don't leave the young ones home alone - we also have college age kids that are home and, well, they are all sleeping at that time.) So, I know he is into all that muscle stuff but NO IDEA ABOUT testosterone.

I checked out alanon and found a few meetings in my area over the next couple of days. I will show up to one.

He has this other thing today - emotional thing - apparently he told his mother 3 days ago (told me that today) and he told his mom that he had been stealing the dad's pain medication for all of this time. Well, he said that she said, "well, Dad knew you have been taking it but he didn't know how to bring it up."  Sooooo  - Hmmmmmmmm?????  Anyway, obviously, the mom has told the dad and now my father in law keeps calling him - like 5 times a day and my hub won't talk to him. I asked him why and he said, "Kat, I am way too embarrased. I've been stealing my 65 year old father's medicine. That is not the code. I can't talk to him.

So, that's the thing today.

Thanks so much for talking to me everyone. I really appreciate it. (Whether I seem to or not, I really really do.)

Kat

P.S. really?  we think it is in the genes? I suppose. I mean I have taken pain meds over the years for various surgeries, dental issues etc. and, well, I can't stand it - messes with my stomach - NEVER finish the prescription - and that is usually only for 2 or 3 days. Some people - don't get sick physically and then, apparently, some people get physically addicted to it - and, it seems, through my husband, emotionally addicted to it.

P.P.S. - You ran a few businesses? That is what he does. Very well - I might add. I am a school teacher.
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271792_tn?1334983257
Glad you are feeling better and also glad you came back on. You will find a lot of helpful information here and you will also find members that honesty care.

As far as it being in the genes, that has been proven but if you ask me, I don't need scientific proof to know it is true. Talk to any addict and they will tell you that someone in their family had an addiction---of some form.

I know it is hard for him but the quicker he talks with his father, the better he will feel. right now he is harboring guilt which will keep him using. He needs to recognize his emotions and he needs to face them head on. He knows darn well that stealing from his father was wrong. It is over and done and he can't take it back. But what he can do is apologize and explain to his father that he is sick and needs help. that would be a huge step in the right direction. It sounds like his dad understands already and will support him. That is important. I know it may not seem like it but him admitting to you and admitting he stole is big, big , big toward his recovery.

I am concerned about the steroids. They are not good for the mind and body if abused and on top of everything else he does not need this right now, or ever. Hopefully it is not out of hand and it is something he can get under control fairly quickly.

How do you think you will approach this now?
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Avatar_m_tn
Hey I own my own business too.  About 35 employees, been in business 12 years or so.  I wonder if this is a pattern?  People who own businesses like drugs?

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Avatar_m_tn
Danny: I think its more of a money thing. Those with money have access to doctors and they can pay for scripts and black market stuff on a whim.

I have about the same employees as you do. One of my biggest problems is saying no to me.
R


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Avatar_m_tn
You're right about the money thing.  No way could I have afforded to get myself hooked and the pills prior to having my business take off.
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Avatar_m_tn
hooked on the pills, not hooked and the pills
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Avatar_n_tn
Wow 80mg x3-4 a day is a lot.  His withdrawal must be hell!!!  Tapering down is the best way. Cold turkey is the worst.  Every minute feels like an hour and awful pains.  Good luck.  Didn't read all the posts

I'm in day 3 of my taper/weaning and it's awful. And I only took 50mg x3 a day for my back issues. My taper will take me 4-6 weeks to get off.  That's a long time to feel awful for

keep us posted, I'm curious to see how he does and how he feels.
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My husband started his detox 2 weeks ago today, and now he seems very distant.  Is that normal?  He is leaving Monday for a 1 year rehab program.  Has anyone done this type of rehab?  
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I am a believer in the gene thing! sounded silly but oh well! :) Anyway..my whole family is littered with addicts and I don't mean one or two. My moms sisters married my dads brothers/uncle so I have the same family on both sides, double cousins!!! They say that double cousins are the closest biological person to you besides your siblings (and parents), and from what I've heard are very much like siblings! I have four double cousins, every single one of us is addicted to pills. ALL of us, and we didn't grow up in similar upbringings. They grew up in homes of parents who were alcoholics and I grew up with parents who never drank or did drugs and did everything they could to make sure I didn't end up that way, they gave me the very best start they could! My mom warned me in high school, that I needed to be extra careful because addiction ran rampant through the family but I just didn't get it, she was right. My mothers mom was addicted to pills way back when, and her dad was an alcholic. My dads dad was also an alcoholic and most of my cousins on that side are addicted to drugs as well. Double cousin #1 is in jail for drug related charges, double cousin #2 is currently in prison and has been for the past 10 years, had a few times out here and there but ultimately can't live functionally outside of prison) double cousin # 3, just ruined her marriage and living without electricity or water. double cousin #4, dead from a methadone overdoes. Methadone also killed my aunt, the dr prescribed her 3x the normal dosage to get off hydrocodone.. one of the few family members who I was really close with, her son was also the one who died from methadone. His death cause is somewhat unknown, he know he died of methadone, however he died on Christmas Eve, we buried his mother the year before of Christmas Eve, I think he knew not to mix other drugs with methadone as he was a drug user for years, he also drank which I know he knew better than to do, the police have never been able to prove it but people with him and his wife that night said she gave him extra pills after he was high, so we will never know in this life. All those people in my family with lives RUINED from addiction...it kills me, I will not let it get me too, I WONT! I draw strength daily from my aunt and my cousin, I know they are up in heaven rooting me on daily!

Needless to say I am scared to death for my children! Don't underestimate the genetic factor
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1216523_tn?1285113808
Hi everyone. I made it through another day without freaking out!!  Woooo!!  Anyway, my hub and I just did some yard work. While we were doing it - one of the secretaries from the company came by with some freaking sleeping pills for him. I was like WHHHHAAATTTTTT!!????  OMG! She was like, "I know he's been having such a hard time sleeping blah blah blah."  OMG!  She's about 60. I was a bit pissy about that too. Seems drug seeking to me.

Danny, you are right. I am in the dark about drugs. I sure know about steroids but I didn't know he was into them at all. So, I guess I am in la la land a  bit more than I thought.
Haaaa - and I did mention about the penis thing.  hahahaha  crack me up. He said, "oh stop - it just f's with the testicles not the penis".  And, well, he didn't really say it that nicely.  Way to funny!  Thanks.

He says he is going to actually increase whatever steroids he WAS taking before he went off the oxycontins. Why?????? I don't know.  He says he is having  more difficult time at the gym now than two weeks ago when he was still taking that many drugs. Seems weird to me.

Also - back to drugs. He has a bottle of Ativan 2mg pills. I found those - right out there on his bureau. He said he got them b/c he can't sleep.
I don't know. I guess I have to take care of me and the kids and he has to take care of him. But.....what? What if he doesn't stop? What if he doesn't really want to?
He really still thinks it "doesn't affect our lives". He says that regularly. I think it is like him having some girlfriend or something.

He did go to lunch with his father today. He said "wow - my dad is such an enabler. He said 'I knew you were taking my medicine but I didn't want to get you into trouble with mom or your wife so I didn't say anything."  

Oh, his mom is trying to "fix his problems". She signed him up for 10 accupuncture treatments at 95.00 a shot. OMG! He went for the first one today.

I feel like my life is flipped over in the past month.

Thank God I still do my job and have my kids and they still have the same issues.

How's everyone one?

Kat
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I too had to laugh about the steroids except I read "It shrinks with use!" lol

Kat, I'm proud of you. You have had to deal with a lot. It is very hard to understand the mind of an addict.
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Although I am an addict myself, steroids ruined my relationship of five years. My EX was a charming, beautiful, intelligent, wonderful man...and wasn’t using when we first started dating. after about a year or two, he started to get into the whole bodybuilder scene. The thing about steroid users...is aside from the obvious side effects...mood swings...aggression...aggravation...there is a whole underground community associated with them. My EX...the bigger he got...he started to be associated with bikers...cheating...partying...and turned into someone I didn't know...and yes...because of steroids. Just be advised that for my ex, a lifestyle usually comes along with steroid users. All the best and hopefully you're situation is ALOT different then mine.
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Hey - thanks!!I appreciate your help and support (as well as everyone's.) Understanding the mind of an addict is......well.....I have no words. And, to understand the mind of an addict that you are married to and shared my life with for years and had no idea - wow!!  Right now - my mind is going over and over all the past crap - trying to figure out when I could have picked up on it. I know - I know - it doesn't matter now - but, well - I guess I am still in shock.
I mean - each day - my hub's first couple of words to me are about some type of drug!!  Lately, it is about getting sleeping pills. His doc JUST today (I forgot to mention it earlier) gave him an anti-depressant Abilify???? I think he said. So, in my mind, I am wondering - did he tell the doc about the drug use/abuse(I don't even know what to call it)?  Is he just saying that he is depressed?  

I mean, he is so so so snowing his parents - you may have read that he told them about the oxycontins - but now - they want to fix him and are sending him for accupuncture and - well - I am like???????????????????????????????  what the hell?

I don't know. My feelings about all this has changed about a thousand times in a week.

Ugghghhhhhh - glad you all are here for me.

Danny was/is so right (Above) about me needing a wake up call - I do. Going to try to go to an alanon meeting this weekend. We'll see. Not sure if I am ready for all that yet.

Thanks again.
Kat
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I think Al-Anon would be good for you. I believe you can go and just observe if you want. If you are planning to help your husband, you will need some support too. It may be a long road.
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I have been reading and following this thread for a few days and I can really feel the pain as well as everyones support. I wanted to add something on the whole ALANON meeting thing. I think it would be great for you it's not like being in trouble it is a gift. If you think you can go or you think you can't go either way you are right. I say get pro-active and stop letting this situation happen to you and take some of your power back. I imagine that my mom must have felt similar betrayal from me as you do and to this day she has not gone to a meeting she feels that she is a victim and maybe she is right however she sort of wallows in it. She is very resentful, resentments is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die from it. Food for thought
best wishes, Becca
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Thanks Becca - and everyone. I cannot tell you how happy I am to have you folks around. Really.

New question, those of you that have been reading - and anyone else - I have a question. I have been mentioning that my hub is allegedly getting off of oxycontin and has been shooting testosterone into his butt for some time as well as other things and he has been actively seeking sleeping pills and whatever else along that line. Here is my question, for those of you who know anything about steroids - can THAT stuff mess up his sleeping patterns? I mean this man is walking around every hour just about - if not more. Is is more the cold turkey with the oxycontin or could the testosterone be doing it - or both?  Or neither?   He took 4mg of ativan last night and it didn't help him at all (nor should he be taking that stuff as no doctor gave it to him).
Thanks,
Kat

P.S. I am doing ok today. I call it Day 40 of my new - enlightened life. It is raining - but hot - and I am going for a run on the beach right now. Couldn't go to the gym this a.m. b/c the youngest boy is somewhat ill and was crying this a.m. - but, now - he is better - off for my run!
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Some people have a very hard time sleeping during the first week or two of withdrawals.  If it's been more than two weeks that he's been completely off the opiates then I'm not sure what would do it.  Unfortunately I know nothing about steroids.  

I guess for someone who is an insomniac getting off the opiates would probably really through their sleeping patterns out of whack.  The ability to get a normal nights sleep seems to be the last thing that returns to normal as far as the physical withdrawals go.
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Hey Danny,
Thanks, I kind of thought it had to do with that but then all of this other stuff - it's really becoming an issue - in our household. You may have read about my mother in law with the accupuncture, and the sleeping pills, and the ativan - well - if all of those things isn't letting him sleep - it must be the opiates.
Thanks for your help Danny. You seem to know what's up.

Kat
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Oh, and he allegedly absolutely stopped with the oxycontin on July 13th. So, that is where he is with that. Thanks.
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No sleep is all too common for some time after quitting. The body's chemistry is totally changed by use of these drugs. It takes a long time for things to reset. Exercising in the late afternoon can help. I took melatonin 10mg. It's natural and worked for me. I still use it on occasion but I only take 1.5mg now. Mega vitamins and mega supps throughout the day is good, maybe for many months after. again, the body can't assimilate the nutrients because of what the drugs robbed from it.
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I absolutely agree that the sleep issue is oxy related.  I remember going a 9 day stretch where I could not sleep more than 10 or 15 min at a time.  It is pure heII to go through but thankfully it does return to normal.

I really feel for your situation for having so much on your plate.  I'm an addict too and I know all too well how tough this is.  All of us come here with the notion that if we could just get past the withdrawal symptoms we will have this thing licked and it is so much harder than that.  The fact is if your husband is not getting outside and continuing help with his addiction his chances are slim that he can overcome this by himself.

I sure am not trying to discourage you but I think the alanon thing is the best place for you to get informed.

Goodluck and Godspeed,

bob
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"JUDGE NOT" - Bob Marley.
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Kay what's new on the homefront?
Becca
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Hi everyone,
Well, actually, I have had a tough day or two with my hub. I actually let the kids go with my parents for the weekend - so we have been mostly alone. He still can't sleep - so that is causing stress for him, he actually didn't come home Friday night - (stayed over his parents where, I think, they totally baby him and find excuses for his "problem" as they call it and yada yada yada. So, here I was all night - no idea where he was and finally, about 12midnight - his mom sent me a text saying "he is here just so you don't worry".  ?????????
Came home Saturday night - drunk - I was shocked. He said - I can't sleep - nothing is helping - so I'm going to start drinking. (We are not at home drinkers - I mean - we don't usually drink at all unless we go to a ???  wedding, some other type of event. There is no alcohol in our house.  So - this is new.

He was yelling at me last night - calling me names - all  of that - so, I went to my mom's and stayed there.  I came home a bit ago and he is well on his way to being drunk again. I see a case of beer and a bottle of Jack Daniels on the counter. The beers are opened - the Jack Daniels is not.

I don't think he is taking anymore oxycontin but - I did find - again - right on his bureau - a pill he said someone gave him one but - he didn't take it. He said it is just like oxycontin but it is called morphine sulphate 30 and it has a long acting ???? effect.

I'm glad he didn't take it - we flushed it.

So -oooohhhhh  - yesterday morning. I did go to an alanon meeting. I just sat there - didn't talk - but, during the break - a few people introduced themselves and welcomed me - so that was nice. I felt ok. They told me about another one today, tomorrow, next day etc. etc. They seem to be at different places.  So - I will  prob go again.

That is where I am at. Sound normal? Whatever that is.  

I hope all is well with everyone.

Kat
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Oh -and I also told him about all of you guys and the support you have to offer. He is going to think about it. If he does - I prob will beg off so he can have his own "place" without me  - ya know?  
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Hi Kat,

He is really having a hard time and if he would just ask for help he would not be going through all of this. He has an answer for everything and I gotta tell you--all of the answers stink! Do you know how easy it is to switch addictions? By that I mean to go from pills to alcohol?

If he would just listen he would be almost done with the withdrawal by now. At some point he has got to give up and ask for help. And NOT from the people who are enabling him.

The pill on the dresser is probably Oprana. It is an opiate and just as dangerous and addicting as Oxycontin.

I will keep praying for you and for him that he comes to his senses before he kills himself.
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Okay, I'm going to be completely honest here.

Kat, you need to RELAX. Believe me, I understand and realize the hurt/anger/pain you're experiencing because of the deceptions and revelations.

But you NEED to realize that the #1 thing that is going to help your husband through this extremely difficult time is love and support. I don't mean turning a blind eye, what I mean is exactly the opposite.

Talk to him. Listen. Show him that you're there for him, and he can OPEN UP to you. Make him let you in, and be there for him. Don't make him feel like he's going through his own personal hell alone. I know it sounds funny, but you need to put your emotional pain on the backburner, as he is the addict, and his right now is the one that needs addressing.

If you love, cherish, and wish to build an even stronger relationship with your husband, you NEED to show love and support through this time. I know it's difficult, but if you attack in anger, you're going to back him into a corner and risk worsening his addiction and/or lesson his chances of successful detox.

My advice is clear, direct, and simple:

Be there for him, love him, make him feel like he's not going through this alone, make him OPEN UP to you about everything, make him feel that he can trust you without you JUDGING him.

It's critically important at this point.
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And by no means in my little rant above about support and compassion do I mean for you to enable him in any way.

Make it clear that this is it, he needs to flush these things from his body and mind once and for all.

But the only way that's going to work is if he can de-isolate his problems and emotions, and find comfort in -you-, the one thing I'm sure he loves more than anything in the world.
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Remember something else, a big part of the reason why people lie to their spouse is because they know or perceive the truth will only lead to fighting.

If he can tell you, the TRUTH, about his addiction(s) and emotional problems, without you judging and confronting him, if he can truly confide in you as his wife and emotional partner, I'm telling you the both of you can beat this.

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Kay just so you know I am still pulling for you.
Becca
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It may be good for him to come on here but then that makes me worried about you. Where will your support come from? Who will answer your questions and concerns? Do what you need to do and what you feel is best. You can always reach any of us by sending a PM. (click on any name and 'send message'. The trouble with PMs are you don't get everybody's input, only one person's thoughts.
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There are several web forums for recovery and your husband if he chooses to can join anyone of them. In my opinion you found this site and have become familure with us and it helps you some, so I say take care of you and stay here there are plenty of places on the web hubby can go. Of course do what you feel comfortable with. As always it's just my opinion which I still think I should share with others often times asked for or not( god isn't finished with me yet):-) great job going to the meeting I am proud that you didn't let anything get in your way. Let us know how the next one goes please.
Becca
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Hi - I am back.I suggested to my hub that he come on here. So - he said he set up an account and all. I am just going to do my thing and hopefully - he will just do his. Last night was tough. He is stil having a hard time sleeping.  Naturally, the 2 six packs of Coors Light prob didn't help.  But, since I now can't sleep either here is what happened- he was in our room about midnight trying to sleep- and I was in the living room.Well, I heard him run to the bathroom in our room and he was heaving really loud - sounded painful actually. I went in there and he told me - yelled at me - to get out. I did. About 10 mins later - I heard him talking so I thought he was calling me or on the phone or something. I went back in. He was in bed - his phone was on his bureau - the house phone was still where it belonged. I asked who he was talking too and he said he wasn't talking to anyone. Ummmmm - yes he was. And, his speech was slurred and he was talking gibberish - I couldn't make heads or tails of it. So - he must have been taking something. I really don't think it is the opiates - (apparently I've been seeing that behavior for a while now) I'm thinking that he is taking too much sleep stuff - ativan and whatever else. Maybe his stomach isn't dealing with it well.
Right now, 4p.m. ET, he is at the local bar with his buddy.  OMG!!!  He called me about an hour ago and said, "Hey, I am going  to meet so and so and I will be home about 5 for supper". I said, "Do you think you should do that?"  Well, I guess I shouldn't have said that? He got a little huffy - not too bad - but he said he was fine and just going for a beer or two.

He is blaming the sickness of last night and the sleeplessness, not only on the WD but also on the Abilify that his gen practitioner gave him last week. Oh, and he told me that he did lie to his doc about the depression. He said that he told his doc that he was really depressed and couldn't sleep and all that but didn't tell him aout the Oxycontin or the WD so the doc gave him the antidepressants without knowing the real deal.  
Hmmmmm

Anyway, I am thinking about going to the alanon meeting at 7 tonight. It is at a different place actually about half an hour away but, well, I really like the town that it is in so maybe I will go.

Hope you all are well.
Happy you all are here for me(us).

Kat
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He really concerns me that he is switching now from opiates to alcohol. Didn't he get a pill from someone at work or something?

I wish he would realize that he could have been through the physical withdrawal by now and would not be going through all of this. I hope for both your sakes that he gets professional help.

I think a meeting is perfect for you. You will learn a lot from people who are going through, or have gone through, exactly what you are now. Let us know how you are doing.
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Hi,
Yes, the alcohol has now become a daily thing (4 days now). I kind of feel like I am walking on egg shells around him a bit. I don't know whether to say something - not say something- ??????  As I said before, he was at the bar earlier and I mentioned something - nicely - with a really nice voice - and he was a bit freaked. He was home an hour later. But, here is the thing, he came home, we took the boys down to the beach - just walked down there for a half and hour, got home about 20 mins ago - well - he went to lay down in our room. I just went in to see if he wanted to eat with us and he is fast asleep!!  I guess that is good but why????? I'm thinking - I know he had a few beers but did he take something????? I just dont know - and, quite frankly, it is the not knowing that scares me. Eeks.
Anyway, he was going to hang with the boys tonight so I could go to that meeting - pretty sure that isn't going to happen now so I have to see if my older son and the girlfriend will watch the youngest boys.

Bottom line - I am going to go and I am glad he is sleeping. Haven't heard him snore in a long time. Who knew I'd be missing that?????!!!!   lol

Kat
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Kat how did the meeting go were you able to make it? Becca
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OMG I just finished reading this post and I am sitting here in shock.  I just got out of a detox program for opiates and can't sleep and thought I would come on here to read up on others and found this wow.  

Kat if you want to save your marriage you have to get professional help for him.  He is getting worse and worse and is heading down a path of destruction.  YOU nor HIM can get him out of this without professional help.  This means he has to go into a real detox program no excuses I run 3 businesses with 20 plus employees and found a way to disapear for two weeks to get clean by professionals.  they will deal with his sleep disorder and help him get off the drugs and alcohol.

Every day seams to escalate for you and I just sat here watching your marriage going from good to worse within a few weeks.  He needs your support but he also needs to want to get clean and save your life together.  I can't believe he is turning to alcohol now and your not taking a real stand with him about it.  Addicts will try to fill their addictions with other things when they come off drugs and this is exactly what he is doing, have a talk with him let him know you want him to get professional help and stop drinking.  

I truly hope he see's the light and realizes he can have a beautiful life drug and alcohol free.  best of luck to you both I truly believe if you don't adress this very soon you will see your marriage suffer.
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Hi - I am back. Haven't been on in a bit. Get this crap - now I can't sleep. It is 1:30 a.m. E.T. and my hub and all the kids are fast asleep and I feel like I am climbing the walls. So - I sit here in the living room - just read a book - had a ton of school work to do that I have been putting off and am now watching reruns of "The Nanny"  - hey, at least Fran Dresser makes me laugh.
Big party at my house tomo - not into it. I've been cleaning like a freak. I am tempted to go outside right now and really clean our grill. I mean - I'm sure it is gross!  We cook on it almost every day so - I don't know. I made this delish potato salad - recipe by Martha Stewart - and, well, marinaded some tips - hamburg, hot dogs the regular stuff.
In any case, I am not sleeping now. That really stinks - but, I am much more productive. I can't begin to tell you the things I have been able to accomplish in the past week that I havent' been sleeping either.
We went over my in-laws today. Mother in law is on the west coast so it was just us and my father in law. Well - he wants a bunch of info from me. Like - "where is my son getting the drugs?" and, "How did he get into it?"  "Did he go for the accupuncture?"  OMG!  I said, "ya know - I think you should talk to him about this stuff but, I will tell you that I think he is working on himself a bit". He seemed satisfied. Then......he seemed to feel guilty about me!!  He was like "Kat, I'm real sorry about this" and "let us know if you need anything while he goes through this"  Do they think he is havine a tonsilectomy? I asked him to go to a meeting with me (yes - I've been going - had to bring our youngest with me once - no one seemed to mind - and, I asked first of course) anyway, I thought his eyes were going to bug out. Just like me a couple of weeks ago I guess.
I've met some nice people there so it has been ok. Can't believe some of the things people have been going through -for YEARS and YEARS!!  OMG - I don't know if I'd have the strength for that. I mean - hard enough for me now. I mean, I've been thinking that my husband and I signed on for our life together. As I have mentioned, we have a lot of kids and time consuming careers - our life REQUIRES two adults on duty all the time in our house(ya know? one or the other anyway)  but, now, well, since I really don't trust him - and, let me tell you, he's been a bit of an A--hole lately, so its hard. I don't even want to talk to him b/c I don't know what is going to come out of his mouth and I am not going to let my children, all boys, hear their father talking nasty to me.
He really doesn't seem to want to get any professional help at all. I may have told you all that he went to a counselor about a week or two ago????? Well, he went two times - exactly two times - and, not sure if he told the truth or not, but, he said, "ok, I'm done with that - that guy isn't telling me anything I dont' already know".  Oky doky.

He hasn't drank, to my knowledge, for 2 days now. I haven't seen any pills around but I did find, while vacumming the couch, a piece of paper - like a piece of a magazine paper - folded up with a tiny bit of white powder stuck to it. I asked him about it and he got mad. I was like "hey, I found this and I want to know what's up with it".  He said, if it was his, then it was old and it was chopped up pills. ??????????????????????
I guess I believe him about that b/c he hasn't looked high.

He does have an infected arm. It is totally red and swollen. Got infected b/c he stuck a needle - steroids - in his muscle in his arm a few days ago. Not sure how an infection can happen from that but - his arm is really red and swollen and he needs to go to a doctor - not even a doctor's appt - he needs to go to the ER!!  But no - my father in law gave him some antibiotics. His prescription says Take 1 four times a day - so, what does my husband do?? Takes 2 at 2 p.m. today and then took 2 more about 7 tonight. That's how he is - has to over-do stuff. Not good with rules and directions I guess.
Anyway, I am doing ok I suppose. Not sure where this or my life is going though. Really, and, I don't think I have ever felt like that in my marriage but, I do now.

It was recently my anniversary - not a good day. A friend of ours recently died and we went to eat and he was drinking like crazy - can't even believe they would serve him like that but, well, not good. I guess try again next year. :(

Ok, well, how are you folks doing? My hub bought the melatonin and valerian root a couple of days ago and it is helping. In addition to that and he is pretty much almost without those drugs for 3 weeks now - so, its good. Maybe I should take it too.  lol

Ok, my best to everyone.
Kat
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Kat I just want to say that I read your post daily and I feel for you!! Please don't disappear just bc your husband is on here now. U need us as much as anyone. I hope u are doing ok. Best wishes
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Hi,
You all still around? I have been off in my denial I guess. My husband is not good. I have no idea what he is doing but - well - something. Just lying and sneaking better I guess. Couldn't sleep the other night so he was punching walls and going crazy - scary.
Now - 8 p.m. EST - sleeping and snoring and has been for hours - def on something - maybe sleeping pills???? He got a prescription from someone - spends most of his day looking for ways to get stuff I think. Letting work run itself - not good in business.
I don't know - can't have craziness in my house - too many kids.
He needs something that I cannot provide.

:(
Kat
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I'm so sorry!  Was he doing any kind of recovery care or any kind of support group?  How long was he clean?
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Kat, I'm so sorry that you are still going through this. Unfortunately, until he is willing to and wanting to change, it just won't happen.
You need to take care of you. Counseling, getting away, whatever it takes but don't let this get you so weary that you collapse under all that weightiness.
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It doesn't sound like he ever WAS clean. The insomnia may only have been due to the steroid abuse and not even withdrawal.  Insomnia is a well-known and common problem with steroids, as are periods of unreasonable rage.  They really mess with your head - logical thought goes right out the window.

Kat, I think you're right.  Your husband is spending his days looking for drugs and using, and never seriously addressed his addiction.  As anyone here can tell you, detox is only the beginning of recovery.  Without aftercare (the psychological work) you can pretty much count on relapse at some point.  

I can't tell you how sorry I am for you and your children.  I guess it's time for you to start thinking about how you want to live your life and how you want your children to grow up.  If your husband isn't giving any part of himself to the marriage and the family, that's not a marriage and a family.  That's just a shell of a man who is going through the motions.  He's a terribly sick man, but it's entirely his choice as to whether he'll treat his disease.  

It's entirely your choice to continue to go the "everything is just fine as long as I put on my public happy face" route - or not.  I'm the spouse of an addict myself.  At some point, you have to put yourself and your kids first, but you've no doubt heard that a thousand times at Alanon.  Is all the money and the house and the "stuff" worth being married to a shell of a man who has brought evil (my word choice) into your marriage?  I know it's dreadful to have to think about these things, but better prepared and not have to go the drastic route than not - in my philosophy anyway.  
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