Quitting Rehab

I just received word from the rehab center that my boyfriend decided to check himself out.  This word caught me off guard and now I feel as if all my world has come crumbling down around me.  

You see, my b/f and I have a 1 yeard old little girl and for the first time in a long time I felt our family had a chance in surviving.  I prayed every day that GOD help him with his withdrawls and maintain him strong to continue with the program.

Things were going well until his cravings got the best of him.  He just couldn't take it anymore and walked out.  

NOw, I'm sitting here in my office wondering what will happen to him in the streets.  He was near death when his sister found him the last time....I don't think he'll survive more time out on his own..

What should I do...???

[justlikeyou]

take care of your child and yourself only for now. let him go do what he has to go do,

maybe one day he will desire being a part of your family more than he desires drugs,

until that day, you and the child are second to him, and that means if he is around you both will suffer.

[nobluess]

I know you're right but how do you stop the hurt in me.  What if I never hear from him again?  What if something happens to him?  I'M SO SCARED.  And heartbroken.

[beachtowel]

For him there is nothing you can do his cravings are telling him to use his drugs and that is where he is going....
What you can do it to protect yourself and your little girl who should never be around a full blown addict.......

did he go to detox then to the rehab?
how long was he there before he left?

[nobluess]

The rehab center he checked himself into does not believe in using chemicals.  He simply went c/t for two weeks... he had just competed 15 days clean.

[beachtowel]

He is no longer the man that you knew he is an addict that would rather go to his drugs than go to you because that is his top priority and the most important thing in his life.......

May I ask what his drug of choice is I would guess cocaine.........or crack......

[avisg]

hun, your hurt will take time to heal , I know you didn't do anything to deserve this but love someone with an addiction . However you do have a little girl how needs a healthy stable home ,and sometimes kids can get that much more with one healthy parent then in a dysfunctional home. We are hear if you need someone to talk to .
Avis

[nobluess]

I feel like I can't breath like everything I felt and said was a lie.  That he never loved me or our his kid...I NEED HELP.

[hdoupsm]

Get a phone book and find a local ALANON group.  There is great support there and they will teach you how to be OK with you so you can be the mother your child needs.

[Carrie76]

I Know your hurting right now, but all you can do now is take care of your baby and you.
HE has to come to the conclusion that HE wants it and HE is sick and tired of it controling him. I guess what I'm saying is that HE has to REALLY want it before he will ever get clean and until he comes to that point then he will keep using and pulling yau'll down with him. Theres nothing you can do until that happens. I KNOW its hard hun and you probably feel like your hearts been shattered into a million peices but..WITH TIME...you will heal. I was with my ex for 10 yrs...thought we had a decent marriage, we had had 2 babies, one was 3, the other was 1 and I was pregnant with our third when he came to me one night and just "matter of factly" told me he didnt love me anymore and that he was leaving me for a 18 yr old he had met at work. He left and I felt like someone had just ripped my entire life out from under me and then rubbed my face in it. I was destroyed literally. And to make matters worse was for a short time I begged and pleaded for him to come back to me..(Iknow Iknow..stupid) and you want to know what HIS reply was?? I'm sorry, I'd like to come back but I just CANT leave her because if I did she would be heartbroken and it would hurt her too bad!!!!!! Can you believe that ****!!!! I was standing there thinking to myself..."What the **** do you think you did to me??" "MY feelings didnt matter to you???!!!  Anyway...I said all that to just let you know that I know how your feeling and I know how it hurts but it WILL get better. For me it was almost 2 yrs before I completly healed, and then a yr after that he connived his way back into our lifes only to find out 2 yrs after that that he had been sexually abusing our daughter. That did it for me. I left him and had the cops come and tell him to get out of the house because I was sooo furious that if I layed eyes on him I would have probably tried to kill him. But it will take alot of time and I would suggest getting into some therapy..that can help wonders. You and your precious child deserve so much more. I know you may not think theres any out there but there is. Shortly after I left my ex I met my hubby that I have now and I SWEAR he is like a gift from God himself. I didnt know they still made men out there like him still.lololo:) I will be praying for you though and just try and remember  that time does heal. ((((hugs)))))

[beachtowel]

That is not true he probably loves you very much but his addiction will not allow you to Interfere with his drug habit.........
the lies are true though...........

May I ask is your family close?
your mom and dad and his.......how did you get him in this time was it on his own or a family intervention?
Can you get them involved and try to get him to go back.........

I know your hurt has to be overwheming but you have to be there for your little girl........she already has a father that would rather get high then be with her so you have to be strong for her and be her mom......she needs your love she now depends on you for everything.......you have to be strong for her........can grandparents get involved and help?

[avisg]

I sent you a PM

[nobluess]

thanks for all the advice. I know I should focus on my daughter...and I do.  But I feel I have to mourn for a while.  I have to accept that this relationship has ended and that I need to move on without him.  I understand that, but in my heart I hold all the promises we made to each other.  How we'd always be together and raise our family in a loving environment.  How we'd grow old together and together we'd walk our baby down the aisle.  So many dreams gone down the drain.

But the good thing is that I have been BLESSED with a great family.  My parents and siblings have never left our side.  

[beachtowel]

It is wonderful news that your family is there very supportive......you never mentioned his.......
You know the guy you married is still inside of him but he is being held as a prisoner of his own addiction......
It sounds like something really bad has to happen to him he will have to crash and burn before he will give up and fight his addiction thats sad.........

How long have you known about his addiction?

[Carrie76]

I just saw your other posts. I agree with beachtowel, I'm sure he loves you and his daughter VERY much and all the promises he made to yau'll Im sure he meant but like she said,...the addiction wont let him follow through right now, not until he can get clean.

[nobluess]

Unfortuneatly, all his family has given up on him.  He lost his father when he was 15 years old and his mother has tried and tried but Richard always fell short.  The mother has decided to cut him lose and just continue to pray for his salvation, but that's as far as her help goes.  She can no longer support him and his habit.

His sister is a "Recovering Crack Addict" and his brother is a recovering herion addict....Richad is the only one still losing at this horrible disease.

I know there's some deep issues where Richard is concern but what can he do when he knows he's failed everyone.

I wonder if its too late to help him.

[hdoupsm]

You can't help him.  His mother has the right idea ... cut him loose and let him find his bottom.  I had to.  All I could do was pray she would live.  A couple months later she called and asked if I would take her to treatment.  She has been there for the past 4 months.  The longer she stays the better chance she has of making it.

[nobluess]

I know you're right.  But I've been down this road before and I'm running a little low on faith right now.  I can't help but think what he's doing right now.  

I'm so mad at him too.   HOw could he throw everything we had away.  I know I need to go and talk to someone, but between work and my 1 and 15 year old I don't have time.  I just have to learn to surpress all these feelings I have and pray I don't have a nervous breakdown.

I hate him for being so selfish.  For not having any consideration for our feelings but his own.  I did nothing but show this man love...every single day.  It never mattered how bad he screwed up...I loved him...How stupid can I be right?

I just want to wake up tomorrow and be well.  Be myself.  The vibrant, cheerful person who loved to laugh and sang out loud (eventhough I was off key).

I hate what he did to me.

[grievingwidow]

I am so afraid you are going to go back to him.  Please don't.  This guy is not worth the time it took you to post here.  Please put you and your child FIRST.

[LIZZIE LOU]

i am the mother of three addicted sons...one of them having almost two years clean from crack.  i have said this many times here on this forum but it is something that everyone who loves an addict should remember.   you cannot love an addict clean.  your boyfriend is no longer the man that you fell in love with sweetie.  crack has taken hold of his soul.  

i know how you must feel because i have been there many times.  every time my phone rings after 10 p.m., i just know it is someone calling to tell me one of my sons has died.  i have ridden the streets hunting for them...i have been in some places that i would never have gone in if my son had not been in there...i have pulled them out of crack houses...meth dens.  i have put myself through the humiliation of being searched to visit my sons in jail...in prisons.  i have spent well over 300,000.00 in attorneys, legal fees, and rehabs...all in an attempt to save my children.

what i failed to do during all this time...is work on saving myself...my sanity.  so many times i wanted to just die so that the pain of not being able to do anything to change them...not being able to understand the "why" of addiction...mourning the loss of my children's innocence and their future.  i never wanted to go to any meetings because i didn't want anyone telling me that i couldn't save them...how dare them?  they didn't know me...how could they tell me such a thing?

i put my son davis, the recovering crack addict in rehab three times.  the first two times, he pretty much just went along with it because it got him out of significant jail time.   every time he got out...he was using again within a couple of months...if not sooner.   it wasn't until he came to us and asked for help that he was able to be successful.   he finally admitted first to himself...and then to us...that he was powerless over this drug.  this time he wanted to go...and he wanted long term of at least a year.  to ensure that he completed the program, since it was so long, we asked the judge to make this mandatory or he would go back to jail.  he did thirteen months and i credit this program with saving his life...something i couldn't do.  

i know that you are suffering but you must remember these three things.  #1  your b/f is not the same man you fell in love with, and #2  you cannot love him sober.  #3 is, you cannot help your b/f, but you can help yourself...and you are worth the effort.

big hugs sent your way,
kim

[alli414]

i am going through the same issues right now as you.  i just found out my boyfriend is an addict and he is not the same person he was when i met him.  All he cares about is drugs and i and you will always be second or third for that matter.  Do you really want that? I got clarity tonight talking on this site from alot of people.  I am an amazing girlfriend and friend to him if he cant see that I dont want to sit around waiting for his broken promises and all the things you said.  Addicts lie out of their skull! They have no idea what they are saying half the time.  Just be thankful you found out now and not later on! You are to good for him sounds like you wear your heart on your sleeve!

[nobluess]

As I read your post lizzie, I felt you were telling the stories of my life.  I have gone to crack houses, I have spent countless hours driving up and down the neighborhood looking for him.  Hoping and praying that I wasn't too late....And yesterday was a very hard day for me.  This is the second time Richard has gone into rehab. The first time he completed the 4 month program and within 3 weeks of his release he was using again.

I remember that day when he got home from work...I was waiting at home for him and as soon as I saw that gaze in his eyes...I felt the strength in my legs give out.  I couldn't believe it.  He was high again.  I yelled and screamed and cried.....How could he?

That same gut feeling overwhelmed me yesterday yet once again.  I know that he is not the same person I fell in love with but I feel like I failed him.  I know we have no control over thier behavior/choices, but I thought our love was bigger than drugs...than anything....
That was yesterday....

Today, I woke up and first of all thanked GOD for my kids, my family (mom and dad), my sanity, and for giving me the strength to face yet another day.  I decided to let Richard go...for now....Your right...I can't save him but I can continue to pray for his salvatioin...

I want to THANK YOU ALL for all the encouraging words.  Although some are hard to hear I know I'm not the only one that has traveled this road.  I thank you all from the bottom of my heart...just for letting me vent...

[LIZZIE LOU]

absolutely...continue to pray for his salvation.   pray that one day he will find the strength to fight like hell to regain his life...his freedom from drugs.  make sure that richard knows that you will support his recovery...but not his addiction.  as long as there are idle threats, that you cannot keep, he will continue to abuse your love.  

i don't mean to make light of something you said yesterday...but i had to laugh to myself when you said that you needed to mourn for awhile.  it made me think of my own feelings back when.  i also mourned...but i actually mourned for myself.  the thought of him (them) coming back home and disrupting and destroying my life was more than i wanted to face.  they were my sons...but i wanted them gone...away from me.  ya see...i was tired of fighting a loosing battle.  they had drained every once of my heart...my soul...my sanity...my passion.   they took everything from me and just as they had turned into someone i didn't know...so did i.

just take one day at a time sweetie.  make yourself a priority...something i am sure you haven't done in quite a while.  i pray too that richard decides to turn his life around but he needs to do this on his own.   remember all the lies, the broken promises, the heartaches...never loose sight of these.  until HE gets help, none of this will change and he will take you and the children down with him.  

work on being happy again...remember how to smile?  keep your mind busy so that you do not have much free time thinking about the what ifs.  it does get better...i promise...but one thing to remember is that we are all responsible for our happiness.  if there are things in your life that DO NOT make you happy...change them.  

big hugs sent your way,
kim

[nobluess]

Thank you so much lizzie for your great words of wisdom.  You have replenished my faith and taught me how to smile again....thank you.