Quitting sooner then planned--and scared to death please help

[tired_of_oxy]

I had planned for the last month to quit the first week of January. Thing is in true to form addict fashion I'm out of both pills and money. So I'm about to go ct now instead of next week when I'd planned. At least I'll get to ring in 2011 clean. My usual oxy usage was about 160 mgs a day but in the last week and a half I'd gotten down to around 100 or so, sometimes less. I'm scared though, I've been through this twice before and I know what lies ahead for me and it ain't pretty.

The wds tend to hit me hard and fast, I have a gift certificate so I think I'll use it to get the Thomas Recipe stuff this afternoon while I'm still mobile. So here comes hellweek for me. Any encouragement would be great, I know I want to be clean and as I type my little boy is on my lap telling me he loves me - do I need any other sign to tell me I'm doing the right thing? No I don't. This little 2 year old angel on my lap is reason enough to stop the insanity.

[tired_of_oxy]

Tuesday is when my brother comes up to help so I'll probably skip taking my quarter sub tomorrow. I only take less then a quarter sub a day so the wds kick in fast, by night I feel it wearing off.

I am feeling very lousy though today, last night was up vomiting.I think I got a bit of the flu. Yech

[gnarly_1]

Hey if im doing my math right you should be well into withdrawals hows it going??
did your brother come by to help with the kids???
anyway post to let us know your ok.....Gnarly

[vantart]

I hope you are staying the course. I can tell you desperately want to do this.
Get all the help you can get. There's a lot of love and compassion in the rooms
of AA and NA. If any one says something judgmental remember that person is likely to be spiritually sick. living in their own defects of character. I do meetings, exercise, meditation,
call other addicts thru the day, pour down protein shakes, green tea, valarian tea,
even went to see a hypnotist. It all helps! Best to you!

[tired_of_oxy]

Back2me, you dodged a huge bullet there. No more getting pills for just in case ok? We addicts don't do well with that kind of temptation. Just very relieved that you did not relapse, you've been through so much in the last month and I believe you are being tested big time. Did you get to that meeting? Probably do you a world of good.

Gnarly I'm going to stop the sub earlier then Tuesday. To be honest it doesn't last long, I take a quarter in the morning and by nightfall I'm in pretty bad wds. In fact all day I feel like ****. I think I could stop Monday and definitely be in the midst of wds Tuesday. I hate the little voice in my head telling me I can't do this though. Detox is one thing but I fear the days and weeks post withdrawal. Remember, it's never been the detox that got me in the past and I got through the worst wds imaginable. It was the mindscrew, the depression and anxiety that haunted me. But I'm going to go to meetings something I never did before. I have to do something different this time because both other times I did the same thing and didn't make it so that didn't work. I have to find what will work..

[gnarly_1]

HEY Girl  so happy you found a sitter for the kids and a good one there uncle so the date is tuesday you may want to drop the sub on suday or monday it has a really long 1/2 life and if you wait till tuesday to jump off your withdrawals wont start till thursday but I will leve that up to you we will be here to walk you threw whatever withdrawals you have and YOU CAN DO THIS it just going to take some perseverance and having to put up with some discomfort it is up to you if you suffer thats based on attitude so go into this thing with a positive attitude
I wish you the best of luck  and will be praying for you and the kid......Gnarly

[vantart]

Hello all!
I'm Van on day 20. no methadone, no subs, no alcohol.
I did taper down from 8 to 10 - 10mgs of methadone to about two a day over a period of about 2 weeks then jumped to subs for 4 days. Started with 2 then 1.5 then 1 then a half.
At day 4 I threw away the last I had. It was no picnic but it was a far cry from the hellish
few times I went cold turkey from that level. I would not wish that on anyone. Well maybe Hitler if he were still around (his doctors actually came up with the formula for methadone originally, so that crap comes straight out of the gates of hell !!! I digress.
I started to "feel better" gradually at about day 10. ever so slightly but noticable.
I am on naltrexone for the cravings. The doctor says it also blocks the receptors in my brain so even if I decide (the  addict in me that is) to take a handful of opiates it would not do much of anything. I'd have to take a dose large enough to OD.
This medicine has saved my *** at least once during this last 20 days. Just knowing that there Is no turning back and even if I did if would be useless.This is what I need right now. My box to live in.
I would recommend a few things: Get some protein shakes that have a lot of amino acids in them. Walmart has a brand called Six Star that's packed with all kinds of good stuff to replenish your body. It's less than $20.You may not want to eat for a while but you can pour those down. Also, get some chamomile tea and detox tea. Drink at least to shakes a day and drink the tea around the clock. every waking hour. Try to make your self do something, anything. Resist lying in bed all day with the covers pulled over your head. That first push to get up will be hard but don't just lay around and focus on how bad you feel. I went to AA's mtgs/club and hung around all day long for 2 to 3 days. I still go every day.
GOOD NEWS! YOU NEVER HAVE TO GO THRU THIS EVER AGAIN! EVERY MINUTE THAT PASSES IS  ANOTHER MINUTE OF DISTANCE OUT FROM THE HELL AND A MINUTE CLOSER TO BEING WELL.
You are in my prayers today, my friend, with much Love & compassion, Van

[Back2Me]

Welllll. Things are not exactly going GREAT * see my post on my almost relapse above. It is tough once the bad WD is over the cravings start. They are almost unbearable tired. Be ready for that. I will pobably go to a meeting tonight. I dont know what else to do honestly at this point. I know what to SAY, I keep telling myself not an option but honestly the cravings are screaming louder. It does not help that my situation is just about hopeless. That is really keeping me down. Physically I am doing very much better. Not 100% but better. And mentally the same. I really think It's mostly my living situation causing me a lot of problems. I know I am probably 60% done with WD but I still have problems. Stomache is much better though!  Well I'm glad you have help next Tuesday. We will all be here. Just do me a favor and start a new thread. I'm always posting on my iPhone and you have to scroll FOREVER in these long threads lol. I should have some good input on your journey because hopefully I'll always be about a month ahead of you.

[tired_of_oxy]

I have just one and three quarters sub left. (managed to get my hands on a couple more) My brother is able to come up and spend a few days so he'll be up Tuesday to help me with the kids!! So I just have to muddle through till then.

Really hoping this sub taper pays off and the detox isn't as horrible as the detox from oxy but we'll see and I feel so relieved knowing that even if it does get horrible that I'll have help finally.

Faith, hope, love thank you for your encouragement and knowing you were able to do this gives me hope that I'll be able to get through it too.

Back2Me, I agree that sub is not something to mess around long term with but the fact I've been able to get by on so little (and they definitely don't jack me up-I've been having wds the whole time on them because of the tiny amount I'm taking.) and the short amount of time I've used them I think this was the best solution for ME. Now I've got my bro coming up on Tuesday and he'll hang out here for a few days till the worst is over and I'll have my help with the kids. And yes, I know moms lose it. The belt etc was no stranger in my house as a kid growing up but to me that doesn't mean it's ok to repeat the mistakes my parents made. I've yelled at my kids many times but it's different when I'm withdrawing. I'm a friggin lunatic. At least now I know I'll be able to hide in my room when I'm at my worst and know my kids are in good hands playing with their uncle having a good time. Ah I am so relieved!! The end of this nightmare is in sight. I'm going to do this!! It's been screwy trying to line up help etc but it's all set and Tuesday is the day! I can't believe it's already been almost a month for you!! That's awesome!! Do you feel good? Are you still having depression or anxiety? Hope not, I hope you feel great. And thanks Back2me for keeping it real ;) yes I am putting it off--but for reasons that are important to me. Now I have everything set and I'm ready to take the plunge on Tuesday. I'll probably still get pretty sick but not dwelling on it because at least no matter how bad I get I'll have help! :)

[Back2Me]

Right,  it's whatever works for YOU. BUT.... I think it's a slippery slope and just be very careful subs did not work for me like that at all. Jacked me all up. Even short term. But I guess they work for some.

[faith_hope_love]

you guys don't be mad at me but she only has 3 8mg subs.  She will not withdraw from those in this short period of time.  Remember my taper, 8mg for 3 days, 7mg for 3 days, 6 mg for 3 days, 5mg for 3 days, 4mgs for 3 days, 3mgs for 2 day, 2mgs for 2 days, 1 mg for 3 days, .5mg for 2 days and then off of the sub and NO withdrawal from the sub and NO withdrawal from the lortab.  I could have even started at 4mg and weaned from there but I wanted the time to get my head together.

First, I know she doesn't have enough sub to do that 21 day taper or so, BUT I think you all might be missing what she is saying.  She can't do this with her kids CT right now and her blood pressure is up.  She is only taking 2mg of sub per day and the most she could even do that for is 12 days and then she would run out. You probably don't even have that much by now right tired? The oxy should be out of her system by then, but she could feel some withdrawal from the sub but I would say it would be mild since it is only 12 days.  Remember in the notes over to the left how they say to stay at 21 days or under and you will be ok?  

I have mixed feelings about sub.  I think it is helpful short term.  I think for the most part, long term, the drs. and drug manufacturers deceive the crap out of people telling them they can take it for long periods of time and high doses and not go through h*ll...of course that is bs.  

Anyhow, tired, what day is this since you took your last oxy?  Like I said, sub is so strong, you might could drop to 1 mg per day for a few days and then .5mg for a few days and then off.  I am guessing you don't have alot left anyway?

Just my opinion, I have alot to learn so take what I say with a grain of salt.  I just know what worked for me and honestly, I am very greatful, don't regret it, don't feel bad about it...you have to do what works for you..we are all different.  There is no set regimen for detox IMO.  hugs. lyn

[Back2Me]

I'm going to have to agree with gnarly in this one. I've tried the sub thing but what you are doing it really is not going to work I know I tried the same thing. And one other thing, if you Don't stop taking those subs like YESTERDAY the withdrawals you had from prior painkillers is going to seem like a walk in Disneyland compaired to what you are in for with those subs. And those grab you QUICK. And there is no tuffing it out for a week then feeling like a million bucks shortly after with subs.  those things take MONTHS of excruciating tapering and withdrawals. You should just be careful. You know, who's mother has NOT lost it and not yelled at us when we were kids???  I mean come on, do you think you might be overreacting a little, or maybe trying to make reasons to put it off? Tuff questions I know but from an outside view it's what it looks like. I mean hell, my mom broke a yard stick over my head, probably yelled at me a BILLIION times, called my GF's sluts, kicked me out a half dozen times and me and my wife just spent all day over her house Saturday watching the bowl games and eating a FAT spaghetti dinner that she cooked for all of us. And we get along fine now. Moms lose it. It's what they do sometimes. But im sure your kids, if they knew ( which believe me they know SOMETHING has not been right with MOM since you have been on pills) I am sure they would trade a few freak outs for a clean and sober mom that was back to the mom they know and deserve. Dont keep putting this off. If you would have stayed they first day you jumped it would all pretty much be over now. You remember MY hell, well Friday will be 30 days for me! Time really flys once you get through that first week or two. And as far as blood pressure, don't let that poster above scare you, Wd from narcs will not kill you and your blood pressure WILL go up and down. Actually that's my WORSE symptom I HATE IT. my face get real red, my skin feels like it's on fire and it literally feels like there is acid in my viens. My entire body feels like someone just poured gas on me and lit a match for about 4 days. And my BP goes up and down like crazy. But it's EXPECTED. it happens to all of us and we are all still here. You could find a MILLION reasons not to do it believe me I know. I know you are scared, we all are (were) but it is survivable. Lots of luck. Not trying to be harsh but most people whether they admit or not respect honesty. That's just all I know how to be ( when I'm not using :).

[tired_of_oxy]

Hi gnarly,

I agree with you, all taking the quarter sub a day is doing is keeping me from going through full blown wds. I had hoped that maybe by sticking to my quarter sub a day (and thats been really hard to do). I take it in the morning and still have wds all day but not as intense and by nightfall they do get intense but fortunately my kids are in bed so I take a lot of baths throughout the night. Thing is I know I *have* to go through the really nasty stuff to get where I want to be but getting help with the kids has been a challenge to do. I have no one and I sure can't afford to pay anyone to be here around the clock for 4 days. My only choice is to wait until I see my regular family doctor next Monday and let him know what I plan to do and at least when I get his blessing the kids will be in preschool full time and I'll have the days to not worry about having to withdrawl and take care of them. It's nearly impossible. Could I do it all alone? maybe. SHOULD I? No. Because I'm not myself when I'm withdrawing. I am irrational, get very angry over the smallest things and I'm the only one that has to live with the regret of what I say (although unintentionally) to my kids when I'm in that horrible state. I cannot risk another episode like what happened last week. I do not want my kids thinking I've suddenly turned into this angry monster who loses it over nothing. Gnarly, it was bad. I was lying on the couch feeling like death and my son getting rightfully frustrated at my inability to play and interact as I usually do, decided to start acting up a lot. Non stop. Just silly stuff two year olds do when they want attention and instead of brushing it off like I normally would I just lost it and feel SO GUILTY for that. I cannot even explain the rage I felt at that moment - and over NOTHING! I have enough guilt for the things I have done throughout my addiction but this is different. I do not want my withdrawing to end up with me saying or doing something that the kids will keep in memory for the rest of their lives. I pray to God that they forget me losing it like that. I was out of my mind and I cannot even imagine how terrifying that must have been for him to see his mother act like that - toward him. No. I MUST get help with the kids to do this. But who?????? So far the only recourse I have is that they'll be in school during the day. OK great. But at night time - even though it's just a few hours - will I be ok? I'm not sure and that's what really *****. I'd like to believe I can hold it together for a few hours at night but in withdrawls it's like your possessed. Your mind does not work the same. But I'm going to ask my brother tonight if he'll come and spend a few days up here with me and take care of the kids at night. He's not working at the moment and he does know about my problem. So the plan is to wait to see the doctor next Monday and get the ok from him regarding jumping with my blood pressure issues. Maybe he can send me home with a monitor? And once that's done I can have my brother come up and stay for a week to help me get through this. I just want my kids to be ok. I feel like such a ****** mom for ever getting like this and do not want my detoxing to hurt them in any way. I love them so much and am willing to endure the hellish wds for a chance at freedom but I cannot put them in jeopardy and affect them badly mentally by taking a chance I might again lose my temper and scream like I did. My kids are all I have and I don't want them to suffer for mommys stupidity at getting involved with a drug I had no business getting involved with but did anyways. So although it appears I'm trying to get "around" withdrawls, I'm just trying to do whatever I can to avoid another withdrawl episode like the one I experienced. I know after two prior detoxes that wds are an extremely painful part of detox. But I need help to endure them AND care for my kids. Last time my ex was around and other family to help. Not so this time. I feel so alone. So the only person on the planet I can think to ask would be my brother. I'll update later when I have an answer from him if he's willing to come and help me. Thank you for your help and you wait and see, I WILL do this - I just need the pieces of the puzzle to come together so I can get this done knowing my kids are cared for and won't have to see their mom act like I did. NEVER AGAIN.

[gnarly_1]

HI .....I think all your doing is prolonging your withdrawals with the sub....sub was designed to be a program to put your addiction on hold long enough to get the proper aftercare and build a solid foundation so you can stand on your own 2 feet drug free when you come off it 90 days is a quick program working with aftercare....to many people try to use sub as a
''get out of jail free card'' and it just dosent work that way if your only on it a week or so you will face down the original withdrawals from the oxy....I know your situation is tuff with little ones and all but some how your going to need to get some help with the kids for 4 days and just kick once and for all...I wish you all the best and truly wish it was ezer getting off this crap but it not....been working with people a wile and seen a lot of things tried very few have  ever worked except quitting good luck and God bless....Gnarly    

[tired_of_oxy]

Yeah it's ironic how something so tiny-a pill- can bring us to our knees and take everything. I feel like I've lost it all to this addiction. The contrast of those early days of " pilling" when it all seemed to be so much fun and wow I thought I'd found the cure for all of my pain real and mental. I never imagined I'd freefall to the state I'm in now. I HATE what I've become but at least after everything I lost to the pills I held on to just one thing-really believing that I'd get clean and I've never stopped trying to do that. Two years and two detoxes later I feel more hopeless then ever but I'm still trying. The doc is really worried about my BP, he gave me some meds for it clonifine and because my regular doc was away I have to go back in a week to see my regular doctor. I didn't feel comfortable telling this doc why my bp was up so I said nothing. Until I see my doc next week I'm going to continue with the quarter of sub a day and if the bp meds start helping then I can bring it down a little more. But to jump without letting my doc know what I'm doing and do it safely, sticking to the quarter sub for the time being seems to be the smartest thing to do. One question: will I just stay in wds the whole time? Will my body get used to the quarter sub or not? Just wondering, I'd like to take it down a bit more if I can but the wds have been the same for the last 4 days.. I can't see going less until I feel at least a little better!

[pmuse]

Withdrawal is deathly, and it does effect your heart rate, and blood pressure so please get yourself checked out, and talk to someone to help you through this.  I was in a very pricy rehab in California determined not to take anything barely able to walk upstairs to this amazing jacuzzi size tub when the 'house doctor' said to me " it's inhumane to do this to yourself".   It was then I was introduced to suboxene.  Made me deathly ill not to mention I was hoarding them to take when I wanted to take them stupidly.  Get some help with the kids if you can. I tryed to get clean a long time ago before I got sick for real, but my ex would not help with my son.  It's hard enough to feel so bad, and from a small pill is so surreal to me right now.  I'm trying to stop this madness all the while I have a million things wrong with my body.  So be kind to your body, and get help all the way around so you can get off this poison I call it.  You're in my prayers.  Do This!   fr: gone a long time..

[Ballgame]

It's impossible to get clean and take care of young kids. You really need to did someone who can help you or pay a babysitter.  

[ImDONENoMore]

I believe withdrawal is non-linear.  I started to notice some good hours in the beginning, then those hours became days, and even after that, I'd still have a bad day, or set of days, for even a few months.  But it all became must less severe with time and so much more manageable.  I just don't think you should expect too much too soon.  Give it the time it deserves.  It will all be worth it. :)

[LeaAnn807]

Do you have a home monitor for your BP?  I think you should get one and check it, ok?  HBP is nothing to play around with!  

For what it's worth, I've been thinking about you and hoping you were ok!!! : )

[throwindatowl]

im on day 7 and feel great! Stick to your guns and those subs gotta go. YOU have to do this. I know you will.

[hiskidd]

For what it's worth, tomorrow is my 14th day, and I still feel horrid. That's not meant to scare you, it's meant to tell you to keep plowing on. Easier said/typed than done for sure, but with God all things are possible. Let's pray for each other ;) - David

[tired_of_oxy]

Just a quick update, I've been taking a quarter sub a day and I have to say even though I'm still having lots of wds, especially by night time when the sub seems to wear off completely, this is at least do-able with having the kids to care for. They start Tuesday back to school so I think I'll try to get to zero by that day. This is the longest, dragged out detox ever but will be worth it in the end. As long as I get through this soon, how I got there doesn't matter does it?

I want to get my blood pressure checked tommorow. Major heart palpitations today.. I have had problems with HBP before so I guess a checkup isn't a bad idea. I hate feeling so incredibly achy all the time and like each of my legs is weighted down but comes with the territory I guess. Can't wait to put all this behind me.

[throwindatowl]

Well you have a plan that works for you. We all have things,kids, and jobs to take care of. Its almost impossiable to do anything wding. Careful with the subs. They can put a hurtin on you just the same and the wds last longer. Its go time next week sister. You can do it...

[tired_of_oxy]

Thank you so much, this forum is the only source of real support I have. I'm going to do the sub taper and after the weekends done and the kids go back to preschool I'll have the daytime and then only a few hours at night to have to worry about being on the ball for them. That I can handle. I'm still going to try and get some help regardless.

I really appreciate the support. I will do this, I just have to get them back in school so I can go through the worst of it without the huge responsibity of young kids to care for. I'm glad you all understand and I'm not sure how I'd do it without you all pulling for me and giving me support and advice. I'm lucky to have found this place :)

[Dnpe]

Make sure to get some over the counter RLS meds to help with the restless skin crawling legs. Also muscle soak for your bath and candles to help you relax (vanilla or lavender). Best of luck! I'm on day four and sleep is now my biggest enemy. But the last 3 days were BAD!!!! Hugs to you and good Luck! Keep fighting on!