RE-POST OF DBIRD'S REQUEST FOR HELP

[CGTMHI]

We are SO sorry to have to remove all the wonderful comments you gave to Dbird, but sadly we had to delete JOEY30005's offer to sell drugs, which required that we remove all comments.  We are also tracking "Joey" and will report him to the appropriate authorities when we find him.  Thanks to all of you who are so wonderfully supportive & protective of the forum. If anyone sees ANY inappropriate postings, please let us know ASAP.  Email: staff@medhelp.

MED HELP INTERNATIONAL
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Posted By: dbird on Monday, August 13, 2001

HI EVERYONE, IM A 25 YEAR OLD GUY WHO IS SLOWLY LETTING PAINKILLERS TAKE OVER MY LIFE.ITS TO THE POINT WERE I CAN'T WORK ,SOCIALIZE, OR DO JUST ABOUT ANYTHING WITHOUT BEING HIGH. THE CRAZY THING IS IM NOT HIGH, IM NORMAL. [LET ME EXPLAIN]I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN A VERY EMOTIONAL AND DEPRESSED PERSON, AND MY JUNIOR YEAR AT COLLEGE PUT ME OVER THE EDGE. I WENT FROM PAXIL TO PROZAC TO CELEXA. THESE MEDS NEVER REALLY HELPED.ONE DAY AT WORK A CO-WORKER GAVE ME A FEW ULTRAM.I FELT REALLY RELAXED AND NORMAL. NOW 2 YEARS LATER IM TAKING 10 VICODEN ES ADAY. I AM NEVER DEPRESSED AND FEEL NORMAL.I HATE THE DEEP DOWN SHAME I FEEL FOR DOING THIS.I THINK IT WOULD BE EASIER TO KILL MYSELF THAN RID MYSELF OF THIS ADDICTION. THE REASON BEING NOT THE PHYSICAL WITHDRAWL BUT THE MENTAL.I AM IN A SITUATION WERE I CAN NOT AND WILL NOT GO THROUGH AN IN PATIENT DETOX PROGRAM. I AM IN THE PROCESS OFF TAPPERING DOWN, BUT ALWAYS END UP FAILING.IF I CANT GET CLEAN , THIS IS GOING TO RUIN MY LIFE.
SO SCARED-NEED ADVICE,

MICHAEL

[Milo]

Hi, & despite the interruption, welcome to the forum. Don't let one person's inappropriate post turn you away. You'll find some of the kindest, most knowledgeable, & understanding folks you could hope to meet here...and many of them have struggled with your problem. Many, many people here have gotten off of Vicodin & even stronger pain meds, some taking much, much more than you. There are plenty of people who can suggest ways to make withdrawing easier and more bearable.
My experience is not with opiates but barbiturates...which is why I started posting here. Believe me, I know how you feel, as depression & social anxiety are two major problems I'm struggling with right now. I know you're afraid -- I'm all too familiar with fear, also. So please know that you're not alone, and there is hope. I'm happy to share my experiences or hear more about yours if you'd like. Hang in there, & I hope to hear from you soon. -- Milo

[GJ]

Well maybe you read my earlier posts Michael, but I understand where you might be coming from I think, as far as the depression goes, I'm the same way. I've been prescribed Zoloft in the past for panic attacks, but it never worked as well as painkillers did. There was no euphoria with Zoloft, and it made my panic attacks MUCH worse, so I quit it immediately and switched to Percocet and Lortab 10s, though not LEGALLY of course. When I first discovered Percocet, I felt it was the perfect drug to take in place of my old marijuana habit, which I kicked in Dec. '99, but no drug will ever "let you off the hook", they will only temporarily ease the pain (mental or physical) and since I started it, I've been on a steady "3-months on, 3-months off" cycle. A yo-yo effect if you will, but each time the yo-yo has sunk down a little further. I'm now taking the "quit while I'm ahead" mentality I suppose, I think you should do the same. 25 is still very young, time to take the bull by the horns and kick this addiction square in the ASS!

But anyway, having just completed this 3rd, and so far, WORST day of WD from satan's evil percocet, I can say that given what I've been doing, it's not nearly as bad as I had anticipated. One thing that's really been annoying me today is the "vertigo" sensations, very strange, haven't had that happen before, anyone else have this??? A sort of "disillusionment" with everything around you, along with a pain behind the eyeballs and everything suddenly JUMPING OUT at you, then suddenly retreating back??? Very strange.

But regardless, I feel like I can live and breath again, instead of my life revolving around the dreaded "54 543" round white pill. I hadn't graduated to 10 a day just yet, but I was not far from it, and I was taking a bunch of other stuff as well. Eventually, what had once been "pleasure" turned into a horrible nausea that plagued me day and night, the drugs had locked into my system and wrapped their claws around my every thought and action. It all just turned into SICKNESS, and my willingness to do the simplest of tasks became nonexistent. In only 3 days of regimented personal detox and dietary supplementation, though, I've been able to reach a very positive headspace, regardless of all the anxiety and other side-effects. I haven't even THOUGHT about taking the Trazadone tonight either, and probably won't! The thought of being clean and sober is far too appealing, nothing will stand in the way. If I have to take a sleepless night tonight, so be it. This path is far too exciting already! ;-)

It sounds to me like you feel you've already GONE so far with the Vicodin that quitting just seems like an impossibility to you, but let's get real - SUICIDE?! Surely you know that, while detoxing IS difficult, there is a glorious light at the end of that tunnel, I'm personally 3 days closer to it and it is indescribably gorgeous!!! I think you might want to sit down and re-assess the BIG PICTURE. That's what I am doing moment-by-moment. I'm picturing myself in my 30s, 40s, 50s, and what I might be like if I'm still taking painkillers, or if I've even graduated to another, more powerful drug (I've always figured that, given my inherently addictive personality, if I ever tried heroin, it would be the end for me, I'd be an "instant lifelong junkie")!  I'm picturing my liver dying day-by-day, my will to live diminishing exponentially, etc...and I tell you, I am FAR more horrified by such a thought then I am by the feeling of this withdrawal, thinking of that makes this whole thing a total walk in the park ;-)

I think I've said enough for now. Hope you find the path brother, keep the faith and you will.

Oh, and to you Ms. Jennyfla, I've read many of your posts and just want you to know that there is one more soul in this world that is in your spiritual corner. I wish you all the greatest things in life, God knows you deserve it! DO NOT give up, if there is one thing this world needs, it is good folks like yourself, please never forget that.

Thanks and hello (again) to the rest of you. I've already learned a great deal from everyone, and it's truly my privilege to make your (cyber) acquaintance.

-GJ

[Milo]

Hello! I responded to your earlier post, but it got deleted. Welcome to the forum -- I can already see that you have a lot to contribute by way of experience & a great positive outlook. Good luck with the continued detox. This is just my opinion, but you might reconsider & go ahead & take the trazodone. It's nonaddictive, and, for me at least, everything seems so much easier to handle after a good night's sleep. But I fully understand your desire to be off everything right now. Hope to talk more in the future -- Milo

[jule1]

Hi Jenny, I also heard determination in your voice I know it is hard with everything your husband is putting you all through!  He did not sound good at all when I talked to him I knew he was on something by the way he was slurring his words.  Addiction sure is a family thing isin't it!  Please call anytime you need help OK!  Iwas actually thinking of filling my refill on a vicoprofen script and I don't really like the way it makes me feel just the high i get before puking! I am gald I came here before I did because reading about your husband with the needles really scared me!  My father was a health professor who taught about addiction I could talk to him for you if you want me to.God forbid I talk to him about me right!  Anyway if I was there I would come take care of your children anytime and let you focus on you.  Do you have any good friends that can help you out?  I know your family is coming down Do they know anything that is going on?  Well remember I am here Love Julie

[jule1]

What peaceful words you have written.  Yesterday for the heck of it I saw another forum and went on it to see what was up.  Let me tell you I really feel sorry for the people that are writing there.  There was not a MD monitoring and someone asked how to get drugs on the internet and they actually gave addresses.  This forum is full of such wonderful people with such great advice.  I take it from your posting that you are in your twenties is that right?  You have such a wonderful life ahead of you and I give you so much credit for tackling this now.  I am in my thirties and they are the best!  Just always remember how one little pill can set you back.  I had conquered my painkeller addiction so I thought and then was given that little not so innocent pill Ultram.  NOT A GOOD THING!  Well congratulations on 3 days every day will get better!  I am here if you need me.  Jules

PA - How is it going today?  I do not know if you have read any of my posts but I am also a Ultram addict.  I have cut my doses inhalf gradually but some days I am so tempted to take more.  I usually come on this forum when I feel the urge and it helps!  Have you cut down on your doses.  Do not go cold turkey as you could have a siezure from doing so.  Best of luck Jules

[jennyfla]

Thank you Julie!!!!
Actually, my hub is much better today... (thank god!!!!)
I called the people at his rehab, and i think that knocked alittle sense into him.  He didn't talk to them directly, but it kind of hits a nerve when it's out that you are not stricking with the program, and have not done what you've learned!
So far, today is good, taking it day-by-day.  Still no alcohol for me, and down to minimums on the opiates.  Gonna see if i can ease off so slowly that i hardly notice it as a lifechange.
Been taking a 1/2 a valium at night, really seems to help the creepiness a lot!!!!!  Don't want another addiction, so i'm being cautious with that...  Before kiddies, i used to love valiums, so i know i need to be careful!
Luck and prayers for you sweetie!
Thanks for being here!
Lv Jenny

[GJ]

Howdy!

It just so turned out that last night ended up being a real ******* for me, so I took one Trazadone, and almost miraculously, all my WD symptoms were GONE (as in "POOF!") within 5 minutes!!! I can't even explain it, but I was in the middle of some of the worst skin-crawls and headaches I've ever had, I was in tears, and in literal minutes after taking it, they stopped dead in their tracks...almost frightening how quickly/effectively it worked! Then I slept for 5 hrs straight and woke up feeling 2000% better.

Thanks for the welcome...again, hehe.

-GJ

[jennyfla]

Thank you, that was very kind of you to think of me right smack in the middle of your detox, and by the way, GOOD FOR YOU!!!!
You're gonna make it, i can tell!!!
The worst is over (physically), stay focused, and stay occupied in all that this wonderful world has to offer people who are 'awake and alive'!!!
You're right, herion is a deathtrap, never ever go there!!!!!!!
My levels are down quite a bit, alcohol is gone, and the world is already looking a little brighter each day!!!!  My demon is i have access to pills again if i want them, i need to fight for my life and it's hard!!!!
Good luck and many prayers!
Lv Jenny

[Milo]

Jenny -- It's good to hear you sounding a little more optimistic in your latest posts. I haven't been posting much lately -- depression -- but I've been wishing you the best all along.
GJ -- Glad to hear the trazodone worked such wonders for you! When I don't get enough sleep, I feel like pure hell! Keep us posted on your progress. -- Milo

[data]

well im new to this forum writing stuff Ive read hundreds of posts from dozens of forums all the while chewing, snorting eating oxycontin. Ussually 160mg a day sometimes more sometimes less. I dont really have any advice, all who have done it know what happens. without my meds I was nobody.  I really felt like they gave me strength and courage. I was a fool. I remember a time when I didnt have to chew a 40mg to feel confident or have the strength to do something. No matter how good you feel on opiates I believe there is someone out there who feels even better without them. By that I mean all the people I have read about that successfully quit opiates. I know in my heart those are the strongest people in the world. You will be proud to stand among them, I am.

[jule1]

You must be ready to get help because you found this forum.  You will find lots of help, love and support here.  Alot of people that post here have had the same problem with oxycontin that you are having.  This narcotic addiction is a wicked thing to overcome with the withdrawls etc.  We all know that!  Have you read about Thomas's detox recipe I am sure he would give it to you again if you are interested.  Welcome and we are here for you Jules
GJ - What exactly is that medication you took and how did you feel today after taking it?  Best wishes!  Jules

[Angelica]

....You'll never believe this one???  I was just dropping in to make a quick post to let everyone know I'm back, and when I finished this post (somewhere below) the phone rang.  It was my Mother.  So I minimized the thread I was glancing through to the bottom and got off line.  When I returned, JB.... (I had just finished saying that I had know time to read the threads)..your posts stuck right out, and I was sooo saddened to read what you had been through.  Don't ever think we don't care, cause I do.  Please keep us posted on your health.  Take Care, JB and I'll pray for you.
Love,
Angelica

[GJ]

jbear - I think you're asking about the Trazadone? It's an antidepressant that also assists in sleep for people detoxifying. I was up last night until 7:30 AM (thank God no work today!), and after so 3 piping hot showers and several hours of fidgeting and headaches and all the other symptoms, I relented and went ahead with the Trazadone, and I'm not sure how exactly it's supposed to work, but somehow within 5 minutes, maybe LESS, all the WD symptoms just melted away in the span of 1-2 minutes. It was like instant relief, I remember at one point GASPING in relief! I then laid down and slept for almost five hours without any interruptions! I awoke to feel unbelievably regenerized.

Anyway, today I went for a run, and that really seemed to help move all the toxins around, although I felt like there was a rope tightened around my heart and I was DEAD tired at the end. Either way, I think it helped to get out and get some air. Oh, and jbear, I'm a mere 21 years old. Young and slightly stupid but I'm learning, lol.

Jennyfla, good to hear you're doing well with the alcohol in spite of what your husband seems to be doing. Keep the faith sista!!! Stay positive and hear NOTHING of your self-doubts, that's the only thing that's gotten me through these past few days...

Awright, talk at you all later! ;-)

-GJ

[jennyfla]

I'm glad the meds are working for you GJ, nothing wrong with taking a little something that is completely harmless to get you through the rough parts...

Milo, i hope your depression lifts soon... it's all part of getting through the changes you have made in your life...things will start to look up soon!
Prayers!
Lv Jenny

[jennyfla]

My husband is getting worse by the day... his attitude and depression is increasing my the moments...  he says he will feel better once he gets busy with his new job which he starts on monday, but today he doesn't even sound so sure about that anymore..
He has been using on and off, not sure about alcohol, but i don't think so.  He told me that if he has to go back to rehab, that he would "blow his brains out" first!!!
I know the only reason he isn't drinking is because of me... if it weren't for me, he'd be using and drinking like he used to.
What the hell was the point of all that money that was spent and all the work he and people put forth for him!!!!!
I'm starting to feel sorry that i ever even pursued and forced him into rehab.  I thought he was ready and willing, and i was watching him kill himself, slowly.... he was looking so good, and was acting so healthy.
I told him he's only fallen off the tracks, he hasn't ruined anything, it time to get back on the track and do what he needs to do in order to live free of addiction!!!  Get up and try again, you haven't failed, it's just a temporary setback!
:(
I have the kids coming home again from school at 2, and i called hub and he nodded out while on the phone... now the phone is off the hook.... i have to go home during lunch and make sure everything is ok. i don't want the kids coming home to a mess of a daddy!  My F*&king car's in the shop again, so i have the old '87 chevy pickup again!!!  All i can say is no one even tries to get in my way when i'm driving that beast!!!
Wish me luck, and prayers!
Thank you all again, so very much... and thank you for your emails and voices of concerns!
Love you guys and need you all very very much!!!!!!! forever, you're stuck with me!
Lv Jenny

[jennyfla]

Happy happy joy joy, now he's drinking too!
:(

[jule1]

Jenny I wish I could get on a plane and come help you.  I wish I could just make everything better for you.  I don't know what to do except be here I will call you at work.

MILO - I am also so sorry to hear that you are depressed.  You bring so much to this forum I hope you realize that I along with many others have benefited from your words.  Take care of yourself Jules

DATA - Are you around How are you today?

[Kristen]

Hi jenny-

I just spent hours reading through this forum and EVERYTHING you have said has stuck with me for days.  I'm a mom of 2, but divorced now because pills tore our marriage apart.  My ex just went back to rehab on monday and I detoxed about 10 days ago.  I related to EVERYTHING you have said and I'm just wondering how you are doing now and if your clean and sober and what has it taken for you to stay that way.  I used to go to AA, but it just wasn't working for me and I have considered going to NA this time.  I work from home and have no medical insurance, so going to a treatment center isn't an option.  I really loved everything you had to say and you seem like you have the same silly sense of humor that I have and care about your babies just like I do, but want them to have a CLEAN, HAPPY mommy....Right now I still dont feel like I have tons of energy and feel very lethargic and I'm wondering if that is completely normal.  I think you tried to get off of the meds the same day I did and am wondering what your doing to get through each day.  I dont feel as if I want pills or alcohol, but I still feel not motivated and tired.  I have been on 100 mg of Zoloft for about 6 months and have no idea if that is helping.  If you have any words of encouragement or need to get something off your chest, just shoot.  I think I'm gonna be on this forum for a while....it seems to be helping....thanks Jen and everyone....
-kristen

[Witchywoman]

Hi Kristen,
Nice to see you posting! I really admire how hard you are working on yourself, and the support you are offering Jenny and us all. :-)

I wonder if you might talk to the Doc who prescribes your Zoloft and ask if the dose of 100mgs is the right dose for you. I'm a shrink, and work in a Psychiatry clinic..the Docs there usually get people up to 150mgs of Zoloft, and say that is the standard dose.  

Just figured I'd toss that out there..maybe you aren't on enough zoloft for it to help as much as it could.

thanks again and lots of love,
WW

[Kristen]

Thanks so much for your support....I dont have medical insurance right now, so I guess I could up my dose on my own and see what happens....I really look forward to chatting with people on here, it really keeps me occupied...I know I have a LONG road ahead of me, but I'm taking each day at a time, trying not to worry too much about a relapse.  My boys are 9 and 4 and are wonderful and I HAVE to do this for them if anything....There dad is an alcoholic and I'm an addict, co-dependent, everything, so I HAVE to do whatever it takes to break the cycle, if at all possible.  I'm not sure what this feeling I'm having is of not wanting to do anything, but I hope I will soon be back to my old self, laughing, motivated, etc.  Its been a LONG time.  I dont really have alot of people that understand me to talk to, my parents think I'm an idiot and dont understand I AM the way I am...they think I can just say NO and thats IT.....and I cant just say NO.....I'm too weak and need there support and love and they just dont see that.....so I am reaching out for anything from anyone....I related to everything Jenny had written...especially having young kids and always trying to keep everything together....and if we dont, we feel guilt, shame, anger, resentment....got to run....

[data]

I wish every one who had to go through dt's had a computer and could visit this forum. It has now been 57 hours 34min 18 sec since my last 10mg methadone pill( I was orriginally on 160mg of oxycontin then switched to methadone and tapperred) I have not really slept well at all but Im hangin in there and I see the light. Every minute is a challenge but every minute Im closer to the end of this ride, and what a ride it is. Anyone taking the big step to quitting it might help to think like I do but this is just my opinion - savor how horrible you feel and mabey it will make you think twice about jumping back on the narcotic wagon. I feel sick but every minute you hold on your closer to the light. And you will be a better man/woman for it. My love goes out to everyone. -data

[GJ]

KICK ASS DATA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That is awesome, and I agree with you. Anyone should think of a withdrawal as a LESSON. I do the same thing, I never ever ever ever ever ever want to deal with this **** again. That's quite amazing you remember the EXACT time that it's been, hehe. Eventually, you won't remember and that will be a GOOD thing right? ;-)

Kristen, I very much sympathize with your dilemma. Before I quit my pills, I came clean to my mother about my problem and she has my total support and it is helping unbelievably! If you need to hang around the forum and talk it out then by all means KEEP DOING SO! You're not alone on this entirely. Maybe if you picture yourself having a good 1, 2, 3, 6 months off the pills and being able to tell the folks how well you are doing, maybe that will be an inspiration eh!?! I hate to say it, but I think you will HAVE to "just say no" at some point, if you're going to get through this for the long haul. But keep it up, keep awn pushiiiin'......Ick gotta go, headaches headaches headaches...blah!!!!!!

-GJ

[nightnurse]

Hi Jenny, I feel so bad for you and wish that I could come and help you out with the kids etc. I woke up this morning to a phone call from my boyfriend Joe who was crying because he flipped out last night and used. Chewed up a 40mg of oxy after 2 weeks of withdrawal and detox. I told him that I can't deal with him trying this detox on his own any more. He did the meth thing and now hes doing oxy again. I finally convinced him to go into a rehab. He is seeing the shrink tomorrow and hopefully will be in by Friday. I know how hard it must be for you. My kids are grown now but I remember the energy needed when they were small. My heart goes out to you and my prayers are with you. Keep the faith and remember how good you feel when you are clean and sober. Peace & Love

[jennyfla]

i wanted to quickly post, it's really really late so i will try to post more tomorrow.
I wanted to say that you are both doing FANTASTIC, and keep being strong and keep on going, it will get better.
Kristen, i'm not completely off the pills yet, although down much further... they say the 'lack of wanting to do anything' will go away over time.  You will get to a point where it gets easier and easier every day!
What was suggested by my husband is to try to walk, jog anything to work the toxins out as quickly as possible.  The more you move the faster and easier and better you will feel.  Plus, i believe exercise releases dopamine, or one of those brain chemicals that makes you feel happy and alive.
That would be the best suggestion i can give, and it really truly works too.  Even if you feel horrible, and no energy at all.  Try to run at night, that's what i like to do because it's so darn hot in Florida during the day.  Plus, i love to look up at the stars!!!
Good luck to you both.
Kristen, my personal email is ***@****
please email me, and we can talk, maybe even get on instant message and we can help support eachother one-on-one.  It's definately a challenge when you have young children.
Look me up, i have aol im just put jennyinfla in your buddy list, and it should come up.  I mean it, i'm here for you, there's no reason you should feel alone with this great bunch of people of this wonderful forum!
Good luck, we'll talk soon!
((HUGS))
Lv Jenny

[GJ]

Some info I'd like to share (and to waste some more time too):

I just read through Phillychad's post about nearly DYING from taking too much magnesium, L-Tyrosine and Zinc in that little detox mixture someone had mentioned awhile back. I'd just like to let anyone who is thinking about using this mixture, first off, to know that he took nearly 3000% times the RDA for Zinc, in which he is DAMN lucky to be alive! The 100% RDA for Zinc is 15mg, and he took 400mg ALL AT ONCE! Zinc at high levels can be very toxic to the bloodstream, and I can pretty much GUARANTEE you that even if you were to spread the Zinc dosages throughout the course of the day, 400mgs is WAY WAY too much!!! Not only are you risking your health, you're making for lots of expensive urine as well. I wouldn't recommend any more then 75 mg a day TOPS (if not less then that), that's 500% the RDA, any more than that and you're just waisting it.

Also, these are not "over the counter drugs" as he said, Zinc and Magnesium are just minerals and L-Tyrosine is an amino acid. I would personally recommend that anyone who takes L-Tyrosine to take it in an amino acid "mixture", which contains other BCAA's (branched chain amino acids) because L-Tyrosine taken alone can cause one to feel a little wired and jittery, sorta like caffeine will do. And it IS OK to take aminos on an empty stomach, but vitamins/minerals should be taken with food.

One other VERY useful amino to consider for detox is L-Glutamine, which is the most abundant amino in muscle tissue. I swear by the stuff, it's the kind of thing to take after running a marathon, it repairs muscle tissue and restores the body like no other amino acid I've ever tried, so consider that as well! 5-15 grams a day, if not more, it's harmless for the most part.

I don't think the Magnesium or L-Tyrosine had anything to do with Chad's run-in with death, but I also think that the dosage recommended for the Magnesium was a little high. I'd say anywhere from 400-600 mgs (tops) is just fine, but I could be wrong. The only thing is: your body will use only what it needs, the rest goes out the pores or down the toilet.

Ok, time for bed, hope I'm not boring you all, thanks for reading if you lasted this far, I'm starting to bore myself now I think ;-)

-G

[niccee]

I too am detoxing off of methadone. If you get to feeling better please tell me what it has been like. Good luck. Thanks

[Milo]

Jenny -- I'm sorry to hear about the rough time you and your husband are having. It must be devastating to see him "slip off the tracks" so soon after rehab. But it sounds like you're doing the best thing, encouraging him and not giving up. We know that relapse is so common, it's almost expected...as well as the depression. But if people can relapse, they can get better too -- I wish you all the luck in the world!
Data -- welcome, and congratulations/good luck! Stories like yours are an inspiration to everyone. You'll find lots of great folks here who will stand by you through this ordeal and after. -- Milo

[Milo]

Welcome! I posted a note to you earlier, but it got deleted because of the "thoughtful" ad for drugs...Anyway, I've read some of your posts here and there, and just wanted to say I think you bring valuable insights to the forum. I hope you keep posting, and I hope we can help each other out. -- Sincerely, Milo

[Witchywoman]

awwww Hi Milo! I'm sorry they deleted your other post..I never got to read it.  But, something had to be done with what that nasty post was about, so I understand.

I've really enjoyed your posts as well Milo. I lurked here a few months ago, while I was still in denial about whether or not I was an addict..LOL...and I really got a lot out of reading your posts back then as well. Your courage and compassion are an inspiration to me!

I just took my afternoon pain med dose, logged on to "keep honest", and it was a delight to hear from you. Thanks!

love,
WW

[jennyfla]

Thank you Milo, i'm always thinking about you too!
Keep being the special person that you are, and you're going to make it through this thing!
Prayers and (((HUGS)))
Lv Jenny

[jennyfla]

Me again...
Hub made it back safely from motorcycle trip to see old friends 200 miles up the state, he was gone overnight.
His old friends only lectured him continously which only pissed him off, and he came home disgusted.  One old friend took him to a local bar so they 'could talk in private' he has a 10-year old daughter at home.  while he was lecturing him about drug-use, he proceeded to buy him two beers (????? um, what's wrong with that picture - is it just me? - hello).  This man is an RN in an emergency room, and has battled his own addictions of sorts.
So my husband returns, chaos returns to the house, everything must revolve around him.  Everything i do for him goes unappreciated as usual... he lives him a world which revolves around himself.  BTW, he's drinking again, and thinks there's nothing wrong with that... only reason he isn't drugging more than he had is lack of funds.  He's also smoking pot again whenever he gets his hands on it.
He left with $60 in his pocket, and some more pocket change (i'll find out exactly how much when the check clears).  He had the nerve to ask me to wire him some money because he had run out while up there -- he stayed overnight with a friend, had a gas card for gas for the bike... HELLO!  I refused, i told him i gave him more than enough (money we didn't have to start with), and that he made his own choices and has to live with his choices.  He got real high as he as leaving, spending some of the money on drugs.  He had left, only to return home 1 1/2 hours later claiming he had to by bungies for his stuff on the bike... that took 1 1/2 hours, again HELLO!!!
He keeps forgetting that i am an addict too, and he can't fool one of his own kind!  Plus, i've been around the block a time or two with his games in the past.
So he comes home, irritable, snappy at everyone, completely unappreciative of all that i do for him, refusing to get up off the couch because he is in too much pain (still withdrawling from the methadone i keep telling him, and it's going to take a while).  I took the day off so i could drive him to go get his new company vehicle.  I've done so much for this man only to here him complain about everything, only saying thank you for things when i first say 'and you're welcome for blah blah blah etc. etc. etc.)  The kids make noise, he yells at me.  I don't answer the phone when he calls (busy outside, or just can't get to it, baby in tub, or whatever), and he gets mad.  I run circles around this man, and he expects no less...  Another thing he did was tell me that if i planned on going up north anytime soon to visit all my family, that i couldn't go, because he needs me here.  His new job, which he starts on monday, is suppose to require some traveling to places like mexico, so america, the keys, bahamas, lots of really cool places, all on an expense account.  He seems unenthused, and very negitive.
So here's the clincher, he gets made because i don't want to get intimate with him... i'm sorry, but when a person takes no interest whatsoever in anything going on in my life, only has negative things to say, and gets angry at anything that annoys him, because he is irritable and going through a hard time; i just don't feel like being 'intimate' with a person like that.  Personally, he creates anxiety for him, and makes me nervous whenever he is around.  I was relieved and actually happy for a change when he was gone in rehab for the month.  I've expressed my feelings, but he only seems to lead back to one thing, he needs affection, and why can't i just do that one thing.  At times i feel like he chews me up and spits me out, there's not much left of me after being around him, i'm drained.  I told him that he needs to stop centering his world around 'himself', and that is his biggest problem.  If he stopped focusing on himself all of the time, be might find that he is a happier person.  I asked if they had addressed that problem in rehab, he said no.
He told me that his outcome of his psychoanalysis was (as series of hundreds of questions), they determined that he was:  rational in his thinking, above average intelligence, and also that he has lacked affection his entire life (I've been in almost 1/2 of his life).  I'm sorry that i can't give him what he really truly needs, and i suggested we go our separate ways because honesty he makes me very nervous when he's around... nothing's ever good enough for him... he got all defensive and said why can't i just do that one thing for him... but i can't.  I'm not saying there's never some intimacy, but when he acts like this, like he has been since he began using again (before rehab, he just wasn't capable of intimacy --- but again that was my fault of course).  
I told him that i was fed up and tired.  That i wanted to start thinking of myself more, and focusing on what makes me happy for a change.  He thinks that's ok, but once i start focusing on myself, the tune always changes.
I just cannot give myself to someone who acts the way he does... personally, i am devasted about his relapse (although i'm still guilty of my own using not ending yet -- which he's not part of, or is aware of, so that is hard for me too).  His drug and alcohol use was way out of control, it was causing job-related problems, his whole thinking process was confused.  A little was never enough, and he would do anything and everything to get the drug, pulling us down fast.  I might be kidding myself, but i've always felt i've at least had one foot in reality, mainly because of the kids... i could have always let my addiction get much much much more out of control than i ever allowed it too.  I've always had to be clear enough minded to make sure that the kids were safe and at least one parent had some sanity.  Again, maybe i'm fooling myself, and i don't what to act like i was better or that i am better than he is.  I just know that with his liver, there is no more room for abuse... it just can't take much more before he developes cirrosis.  I had my liver checked, and i am in perfect help (for now at least, and i still have some work to do on myself, and i know that).
He seems to have completely given up.  When i talk about him possibly needing to leave and go find the 'love' he is looking for (which won't happen, because he will still be the same person), he says he will just kill himself then... (i know he's playing mindgames with me, he's very good at that... although i know to take it seriously because my best friend growing up, her husband did kill himself after a terrible bout with alcohol... he just couldn't handle life anymore.
I try and i try so hard to support, in fact too much, i baby him, and told him that he might be better off without me anyway. I'm always behind him picking up all the pieces and in front of him clearing out all the landminds, and i'm tired!
He says no love, he goes for the drugs to fill the hole.
This is sad, and i pray to god for strengh, and to show me a way to handle this mess.
I could give him to love (but i don't fake things well, i'm much too sincere of a person), although i love him to pieces, i feel very hurt and angry.  I told him from now on i will tell him how i am feeling when he does something hurtful to me... that way at least he will be aware... i have a feeling it will only **** him off and he will either say i'm being too sensitive, or that i'm wrong in my thinking!
What to do?
Thanks for listening!
Lv Jenny

[jennyfla]

My husband once made a comment about me not being anywhere near as good of a wife as i am a mother...
I've had a hellacious past two-days.
My oldest actually pushed me today because i wouldn't let her sleep over a friend's house.  She's 80 lbs now, i'm only 106, so this needs to stop NOW!!!!! I hope after my stern speech with her, i don't see that happening again.
My 5-year old just walks around slamming doors because he claims 'he doesn't have any toys', and i won't buy him any.  (you can hardly get around his room without stepping on one of his so called 'non-existent toys'. (I'm having trouble finding enough money for food right now much less enough to buy toys -- little brat!!!!)
And my 17 month old is just a toddler, demanding and full of way too much energy (much more than i can handle right now).  She is with me all of the time, taking her to work to save money.  she starts daycare next month.
But all of this is killing me, and i get no praise for it whatsoever.  I guess i just need to learn to praise myself, and to try not to expect too much from others.
But i wanted to thank everyone for your constant praise on this board... you guys make me feel like 1-million bucks, and i hope i return that feeling!
I need you all like you don't know!
Thank YOU!!!!
Lv Jenny

[susanlea]

Sorry I have been soo busy lately.  I have not been on the forum nor read what's going on with you or anyone else.  (I had surgery for Melanoma) so I have been under the whether abit, it's ok stage 1 so I should be alright. Anyway I briefly skimmed over the board and saw you're last to posts.  I didn't read it in detail yet, but I HAD to respond right away. First it sounds like your kids are being a handful right now, with no help.  Second....I experienced this same challenge when my ex got home from Detox and found out some interesting facts.  Remember I told you that children KNOW what's going on, that no matter how well we think we are hiding something,,,,THEY KNOW! They sound really angry right now, just like mine did.  What it sounds like to me is that they are trying to get your attention. Your attention this past month has been mostly on your hubby.....they are feeling left out, and need lots of attention right now.  AT this age the only way they know how to get it is to compete.  They know you give hubby lots of attention when he is out of sorts....relapsing....when he's angry or acting up.  So they figure if they do the same they will get your full attention too.  Remember...a negative response is better than no response at all.  I still believe they would benefit from Ala-teen,  I know the baby is too young, but the other two need other kids who can relate to their frustration.  I will try and call you today, I have nothing pending and the house will just have to wait until tomorrow.

Re: Husband

Jenny STOP! You are going to drive yourself crazy trying to keep up with and please this man!  HE is responsible for his own recovery.  Don't let him make you feel (manipulate you) into having to help him, obsess, coddle, tell him what he shouldn't be doing.  He knows from rehab that he can't even have a beer!  He knows what he should and shouldn't be doing, but unconsiously he want's to hand it over to you, so if he relapses or continues to use...you will feel like you failed him in his recovery.  Addicts love to switch blame, God forbid if it's their own fault.  STOP beating yourself up. Worry about yourself and YOUR recovery.  Make yourself #1!  He has been in first place for tooo long.  Put all YOUR ATTENTION on yourself.  Remember, his addiction is HIS problem. It only becomes your problem if you let it.  When I come down there in Nov.  I swear I am going to drag you to every meeting I can find. AND I WILL get you a sponser.  On another note....Was your husband in Hazelton?  My brother-n-law just went in on Monday for alcohol abuse.  He has hid his problem well for years!  (he is an elected offical so this is in the news in Fla).  He told me that because of what I went through, and the fact I'm in recovery from my ex's addiction and I'm doing great, is why he finally admitted to himself and his family that he has a problem. He said that if me and my kids could come out of this and be better that he wanted this for himself and my sister.  I am soo very proud of him.  It takes BALLS to do this.  My sister is attending meetings now, and he will be in for at least 28 days!  He was so scared of what the press, other officals, people, friends would think of him, that he hid this for years.  He has found out, people already knew, just never said anything.  The support he and my sister are getting is UNBELIEVABLE  everyone is wanting to help him.  Once an addict makes up their mind and makes a committment to themselves the only way is up, because they can't get any lower than where they've been.  Jenny my friend, make that committment to yourself and the rest of us will be with you all the way.  I love and care for you so much, and I am worried about you.  My concern is not for your husband, my concern is for you only.  Your husband can do for himself!  I will try to get more of the details later when I have time to read all the posts, I hope I haven't stuck my foot in my mouth....love you sweetie...Susan

[cindi]

Hi ladies,    I have been sooo busy the past few days.....back to work basically full time and trying to get my program up and running for the fall. so whn i get online it is usually for a minute or so..the other night I talked to jenny online and fell asleep on the computer..I felt like such a schmuck.....i actually felt stoned......Jenny i am sooo sorry......i feel like  ditz.....anyway.....i agree with lea about your husbands situation...i talked to about the reality of things a long time ago do you remember?  so I am not saying much on that subject....I read what you said about your kids....hon,,,,those kids are being kids....remember I have my own kids and I work with kids sometimes 10 hours a day ages 10 mos to 1 years old....no, that does not make me as expert but thye are all the same.....if you keep this in mind you will live through these motherhood years..GOD CREATED CHILDREN TO DRIVE ADULTS NUTS  AND THEN WHEN THEY ARE GROWN AND THEIR KIDS DRIVE THEM NUTS WE CAN SAY TO THEM,,,,"SEE GOD IS GETTING EVEN FOR WHAT YOU DID TO ME"  lol  My daughter is the queen of drama...one day she did try hitting me  this is not unusual,,,all of it is normal....I know you handle these situations the best way that works on your kids....I told my daughter she is 7, to do do something,,she stuck her litle hand up i my face and said,,,"talk to the hand, the face ain't listening"  my answer to that....your face will hear my hand when it hits it and that was that...certain things work for different kids.mykids go to work with me  that is why i took the job at the school after I left nursing,,,and there are days I feel like a failure as a parent and a teacher.....sometmes instead of screaming and yeling  (I am a yeller)  i take a time out...I take cosmo nad go in the bathroom and sit anywhere even on the floor and read......calm down and then come out when i feel better..you are slowly detoxing wehn we are on our drugs we feel we can handle any situation.....and detox makes it worse...just from talking to you i know you are a good mom....you worry about you  and those kids  let hubby do his thing....NOT YOUR PROBLEM  I know easier said than done but try and think about it at least...leave it in Gods hands......

LEA   I hope you are feeling better..i had no idea you were haveing surgery   my little sis's fiance had melanoma  he is 23  he is fine  had the surgery just about a year and a half ago.

MILO  you sound better than the last time I heard from you.....I enjoy your email.....

Kerrie,  I'm sorry I have not written to you for while but so muchis going on,,what a lady you are...so much in yoir life yet so much faith you still carry in your heart......my little songbird.....i want to hear your music..  i am keeping allof you in my heart

Skipper and Irishrose.....you guys are a joy to have as friends also   Irishrose...you remind me of me......and I'm glad that we have become friends.....have to continue this post  or ele i get cut off

[cindi]

the post above was for you guys also...I have to continue or i get cut off for some reason...now about me....LOL  I am so mean,,,,,,LOL  i feel like Ihave PMS 24/7 night sweats,,,day sweats, my friend said vitamin e helps the sweats....(ummmm  this post is probably best understood by the chickadees  LOL)
I have not had a pap since i was pregnant with alec and he will be 4 in november...i have never had 1 period every week..i have cramps. etc.  i am terrifed it is cancer which like I told Irishrose that my doc has not ruled out uterine cancer.....said it is quite possible  hoever, she also said that perimenopause is a possibility..I am seeing someone on sept 10...I have kids to raise,,,a husband to raise....and gramma to take care of,,,,I can't get sick..Now,  I can't ever remember asking anyone to pray for ME...but I would like to ask for you guys to do me a favor and PLEASE PLEASE pray for my kids...not me ,, my babies and my family...my husband,,,,I cna see the fear in his eyes when I talk about it...he tries to be strong and brave so I don't get afraid and I would never let him know I am afraid  I down play it alot.....i aks that you pray that if in fact i do have uterine cancer or anything bad that my kids and my family will be ok...my dad won't even discuss it,...just maybe even a quickie prayer...I don't worry abou tme   it's my family  like I tild irish  I am so totally in love with my kids and my husband,,,,,it's them....I live for.....I would appreciate it...Thanks all of you   I love you all    cin

[cindi]

the post above was for you guys also...I have to continue or i get cut off for some reason...now about me....LOL  I am so mean,,,,,,LOL  i feel like Ihave PMS 24/7 night sweats,,,day sweats, my friend said vitamin e helps the sweats....(ummmm  this post is probably best understood by the chickadees  LOL)
I have not had a pap since i was pregnant with alec and he will be 4 in november...i have never had 1 period every week..i have cramps. etc.  i am terrifed it is cancer which like I told Irishrose that my doc has not ruled out uterine cancer.....said it is quite possible  hoever, she also said that perimenopause is a possibility..I am seeing someone on sept 10...I have kids to raise,,,a husband to raise....and gramma to take care of,,,,I can't get sick..Now,  I can't ever remember asking anyone to pray for ME...but I would like to ask for you guys to do me a favor and PLEASE PLEASE pray for my kids...not me ,, my babies and my family...my husband,,,,I cna see the fear in his eyes when I talk about it...he tries to be strong and brave so I don't get afraid and I would never let him know I am afraid  I down play it alot.....i aks that you pray that if in fact i do have uterine cancer or anything bad that my kids and my family will be ok...my dad won't even discuss it,...just maybe even a quickie prayer...I don't worry abou tme   it's my family  like I tild irish  I am so totally in love with my kids and my husband,,,,,it's them....I live for.....I would appreciate it...Thanks all of you   I love you all    cin

[Milo]

Know that you will be in my thoughts and prayers. I hope very much that it turns out to be something harmless and easily treatable. I can imagine how scared you must be right now. Hang in there and keep us posted! When I saw your picture, I couldn't figure out why you looked different than I had imagined you -- then it hit me -- you've said you are 40/41 (right?), and you look about ten years younger! Bless your heart -- Milo

[GJ]

My sweet Jenny from Florida!

After reading your posts, it looks like your husband is doing to you what my stepfather did to me and my mother. All the classic signs of someone who is completely controlled by "getting and staying high", and saying things like he will "blow his brains out" before he gets help...well, what do YOU say to him when he says that? Do you ever mention your 3 children and them being left without a father at such young ages and the lifelong torment for ALL of your relatives to have to live with? Those kinds of sick, twisted headgames should NOT be taken lightly, nor should they be TOLERATED!!! If he uses that, you might even ponder the option of telling him "go ahead!", but then again, he might be serious......it's one big ****-sandwich and I wish there was a "magical cure" for such sickness (don't we all)...

Your mentioning of your husband always turning everything back to you is CLASSIC denial and manipulation. It's a no-win situation! I dealt with a stepfather who LOVED to sit and play mindgames with me everytime I begged him to put a lid on his drinking (little did I know he did LOADS of cocaine and pills too). He'd say things like "so what will happen if I quit drinking? What will YOU do to help me?" (btw he would normally drink WHOLE BOTTLES of Crown Royal Whisky a day!), all of this when I was 8 years old! Then my mother would plead for him to stop and he'd say "if I quit drinking, will YOU quit cigarettes?". He was a MASTER at winning an argument or just making YOU look like the unreasonable one! Even if you caught him stabbing someone to death with blood all over his hands, he would be able to rationalize his way out of it! He's the type of person who, if you were to meet him on the street, he'd seem like the PERFECT, WELL-ROUNDED, CARING individual, but pull back the veil and he is the very embodiment of what the devil would be in human form!!!

I'm not trying to bring you down Jenny, but I'll just say that the way I had to deal with my stepfather was complete disassociation! Even harder was that he was my father figure from when I was 3 years old!

He used to keep me up until 4, 5, 6 in the morning on SCHOOL nights with his drunken babble. He introduced me to pot when I was 15, he told me that "life is about taking money from other people and doing 'good' things with it", and that "all people SUCK!". He wrecked my mom's car and told me that it was because he'd heard that my mom had gone to the SUPERBOWL with her friends instead of going to visit her mother when it was really because he was ****-drunk and had a mistress in the car with him (who ran from the scene). He beat me up. He stole my money. I'd catch him with white lines under his nose and he'd rationalize it away. It's taken me 4 years to even BEGIN to try and trust people now, and I'm still struggling...I have NO friends! Nor does my mother! His goal was to have ALL the attention on HIM and ONLY HIM! He stole jewelry from my mom and blamed it on the maid...I could go on forever! Someone once said that if you were to drop that man from a 1-story building, he'd explode on contact because of all the **** in his system...

What I'm trying to get at is that, from my own experience with a self-absorbed person like that, I was FORCED into doing tough love! ZERO F***ING TOLERANCE! At some point, all people have to try and fend for themselves without babysitting grown human beings. Your hub may even need intense psychotherapy, if he's talking about ending it all were he to quit drugs! I read that and it just makes my heart sink, because I can picture your situation like you live next door, but at the same time I'm a young dude with no family or kids or none of that, so in that regard I have NO CLUE as to the severity and emotional distress of your situation! But you cannot POSSIBLY expect yourself to last very long with a drug-addled husband and three young/demanding kids to tend to, along with a fulltime job! I don't know if you are hoping that his going to work will mean that he'll have less desire to do drugs, but let me make an opinion there: a "change of scenery" is not going to take away the urges! He'll still have the problems at hand to face, because it's all in the body's chemistry, not in the environment! I thought if I moved to Colorado once that I would have less urge to smoke pot and BOOM, I got so sick and stoned that I had a mental breakdown!

I hope to God that you will be lead to the right path here Jenny, it breaks my heart to hear these words from you, as I can tell you are among the kindest of people! But I think you need to stop doing so many favors for your husband, quit letting him try and set mental traps for you because of HIS problem. Don't allow him to make YOU feel guilty for wanting to help him. Don't let him lasso you in to thinking you have to babysit him and just let HIM deal with HIM. The hard part about this is: it might mean that you need to start to just plain IGNORE his whining!!! Focus on your children and yourSELF for awhile and see how he reacts, but don't "ask" him to be thankful of you, because it seems that in HIS opinion, the world is out to see him fail if he doesn't have his drugs...

But take my words at FACE VALUE Jenny! I had to be very harsh with my mother when she was being so mentally abused by my stepfather in order for her to finally (after 4 years) WAKE UP! Good people like you should not (and MUST NOT) be treated like that...

Either way, you are in my thoughts, prayers, and BEST WISHES! Please keep the HONEST POSTS coming if that helps to get things off your chest, you deserve some serious attention and if you gotta come here to get it then so be it. I don't know you personally but I don't care, you are undoubtedly a good human being and there's NO reason that you should endure such mental abuse.

Take care and God Bless,

-G

[cindi]

Hey Milo,  thank you   and thank you for the compliment  re: my age and my pic,,,Yes, I will be 41 on September 18,  OMG  exactly 4 weeks from today?   ewwwwwwwwwwww  last year when I turned 40 I sobbed  my mom helped me through that....she is gone so guess where I;ll be coming to sob now  LOL         you guessed  it.....how is dad?  My Pryaers are going out to you and the milo family tonight  love to all  cin

[cindi]

Thank you for the compliment re: my pic and my age,,,,yes I will be 41 on Sept 18....ewwwwwwwwwwww  4 weeks from today,,,,last year when i turned 40 i sobbed mom got me through it   this year gues where i am coming to sob  LOL   How is dad?    remember my prayers are still with you all       love to all cin

[Wizard]

Hi ladies, thank you both for the e-mails you sent. I missed you all while I was gone but never quit praying for you. Jenny, girl I have been trying to catch up here on whats been happening and the one thing that I did read that I want to second the motion on is NOW YOU HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF! The time is at hand and you have to think about #1. Not just for you but for the kids too. Remember to reach for that Light! I'll write more when I get settled in here.
Susan, God bless you lady! You ARE the calvary coming to save the settlers for sure! I am in awe of the amount of caring you do. You are truly one of the "angels" Take care girl. I'll be atcha later too.
Power & Magick 2 U,
Peace & Light 2 U 2,
Wiz  

[Wizard]

41 ?????????? Girl, your still a young pup!!!!!! LOL and I have seen the pics too! LOL Thanks for mail, by the way, if your really 41, you gotta quit kicking punks butts on the street. Them knuckles won't heal up as quick as they used too! ROFLMAO...
Dorothy, I'll be sending you some rainbows shortly. atcha later Luv.
Power & Magick 2 U,
Peace & Light on U 2,
Wiz

[jennyfla]

Susan,
Thank you for your kind words and encouragement.  I know you're right.  Today was a better day.
Thank god they found your melanoma early-on, praying for a speedy recovery for you.

Cindi,
Thank you for your insight about kiddies, they were much better today, and i know they really love me very very much, it was just a 'bad day' all around.  btw, i hate that 'talk to the hand stuff, nicole used to pull that a year or two ago... grrrr!
I'm praying for you, and i hope you only get positive news on the 10th!!!  It's not your time to go yet, you have too many things left to do... let's just pray it's something very minor!!!
Also, i agree with everyone, you hardly look anywhere near 41, you go girl!!!

GJ,
Wow, what a life you're had, i hope you have found peace in your life now that you are grown and on your own... No one should have to live like that as a child, my heart breaks for the pain you must still have so deeply inside!!  May happiness follow you for the remainder of your life, you've suffered enough for two lifetimes!  Thank you for caring!

Wizard,
Hope you had a nice trip!  Thank you for your words.
Things are better today, sorta kinda, but's that's a whole other story...  Things are going to turn around, they must!!!

Love to you all, Jenny

[jennyfla]

Did some talking with my husband today, about a lot of things.
Today was a better day!
We talked about our relationship, and about what happened, and what we will both do to improve our relationship with eachother.
Also, we talked about what he needs to do for himself, and things that he can do for himself to make it easier.  He's insisting that a couple of beers a day won't hurt him, and that he is just too miserable without it... (his decision, and he'll have to live with his choices).  He plans to continue meetings, and is looking forward to the challenges of his new job, although nervous about functioning without pain meds for his aches and pains.  Trying aspirin, and seems to take alittle of the edge off.
I talked to him, honesty, about my own battle with pain pills.  He recited sayings from what he learned in rehab, trying to help me with what i need to do for me, and how the pills will only make things get more difficult as time goes by (he's always been ahead, more advanced in his addiction -- i had a 1 1/2 year break with pregnancy and nursing), so he knows, from his own experience, how quickly it progressing, and how it takes more and more of one's life away with each passing day.  I felt a sense of comfort from his words coming from 'his' mouth, for myself and for him.  It's like he trying to help me and himself at the same time, so there's a little more hope in my heart for both us of tonight.
My kiddies were very good today, all three of them, imagine that!!!  I thank god every day for them, and they really are wonderful kids, and deserve to have a healthy mommy and daddy to take care of them... they are innocent through this whole mess, and deserve much much better, AND THEY'RE GOING TO GET IT!!!!
I really do what to get my life back, and to feel like 'me' again... that is the hardest part, i think i know what i'm missing, because i remember, and it's scarey, because i know, under the influence, i'm only seeing the tip of the iceburg!
Prayers needed, and they are felt, every second of my day... from all that care and i thank you!  My friends keep me going some days, you all and so many others in my life are very special, and the caring doesn't go unseen!  :)
Lv Jenny

[susanlea]

Hello.  Glad you are back. Please e-mail me about your adventure....vacation....love Susan

[GJ]

More prayers then you know coming from this neck of the woods Jen! It's just wonderful to hear that you at least got a small breath of fresh air today, a tiny glimpse of light! You sure deserve it! Here's hopin' that there will be much more to come ;o)

-Gabe

[cindi]

Hey,,,,,,,I was still seing rainbows and found wizard dust floating all around me while you were gone..LOL  seriously I did....I am glad you're back..   send the mail about the vaca..I'll bet you hit the heart shaped tubs in the poconos  LOL      love ya    cin

[PHILLYCHAD]

The heart shaped tubs in the poconos are where I take all of my chipping friends too!

Guess what? I joined the Army to study to become a LPN! I am really stoked! I'll let you know more latter..........CHad

[cindi]

now when you refer to the "chipping" friends you are not referring to the hampsters and small dogs?  LOL  Congratualtions,,,,the ARMY?  LPN  wow,,,the LPN course can be a tough course.. now u can stick people with needles, IV's etc...please though   think about the medications you  will be around......but   YOU ROCK MY LITTLE BUDDY   I AM SO PROUD OF YOU....now can you really feel MY excitement?.....love to you and deb    cin

[PHILLYCHAD]

Hi Cin this is deb we haven't got a chance to talk,But i read every post and e-mail you send us.Wich is wonderful you are a great person and we are very happy we are able to have you as a friend.The post you sent Chad today made him very happy!He is going through a really tough time right now with his family telling him he is too old to join the army they think its not the answer to his problems that he would be better off being a waiter for the rest of his life..This is an oppertunity for us toget married and start a new life with a carrer.I think it will give us the stability we need in our lives right now you know what i mean?any bit of incouragement we get will help I would really like to hear your opinion on this thaks so much for being there for us love deb..

[PHILLYCHAD]

I just read debs post. She doesn't like the computer as much as I do. Hey! whats all that stuff up top about someone trying to sell drugs? Thats messed up! Anyway, write deb back....she needs a friend right now and we both could use all the support we can get. By the way....Are you sniffin' that fairy dust again? lol Chad

[jennyfla]

Thank you for caring!  :)
Things do seem to be better, i just have to straighten my little butt up for good!!!!! :)
Where is your 'neck of the woods'?  I'm in south florida!!! :)
Lv Jenny