My daughter ( at the age of 22 ) recently miscarried a 3 month old fetus. She had been addicted to oxy's and roxy's over the past several years as well as being on coke and heroin for a year.... prior to that, she was an occasional marajuana and alcohol user in her teen years. She was not using protection ( i could kick her in her a** for that )... but what can you say that you have already not said a million times? She and her boyfriend ( a hydro addict himself ) was not planning on this pregnancy; but took no precautions to prevent it. After the initial "Shock" of becoming a grandma sunk in...the worry of an addicted grandchild became overwhelming. She had convinced me that she was no longer using but this was disproven. When she lost the fetus, I became furious ( and still am ) over this.... I honestly think that she was trying to quit or cut back at least but I can't help but feel that their drug abuse was the cause of the miscarriage... Our relationship has been on the rocks for many, many years over her drug abuse but this; has put the icing on the cake for me..... I love her with all my heart and want to be there for her thru this tough time but feel that her addiction is what has caused all of this... HOW DO I HANDLE MY FEELINGS??? How can you explain the hurt it puts on a parent to watch their child go thru such turmoil when they think they "HAVE EVERYTHING UNDER CONTROL" ? I am at my wits end with the situation and some days i feel like breaking off our relationship.... at almost 48, i have been thru so many family addictions ( not my own ) I AM SICK OF IT!! Ex's, son's, daughters, my mother & fathers, .....cousin's... friends...It seems like everyone around me is an ADDICT....at this point,I don't know what's worse, being the addict himself , or being the sober one on the other side having to deal with all the problems that come along with it....... what can i do to help her??? They consider me to be snooping in their business when i have something negative to say about the pills but never cringe at asking for financial help when they need it.....
It's all bad. Being an addict isn't really party time. Addicts continue to be addicts to feel normal and most just hate it. Quiting drugs to an addict is as if I told you to stop breathing. Family members,children,friends suffer miserably. It's a mess.No question.
You must be pretty angry right now and I don't think you want to be. You want to work through your feelings and have a daughter who is not an addict. It's natural. When and IF she's ever ready, she'll stop. This is the hand you've been dealt and it's not much to work with.
I know this is going to sound very harsh but I have to tell you: Breaking off the relationship
doesn't work. It will hurt you more than it will her. She won't care. She didn't care about the pregnancy...It's the addiction,it's all consuming.
You say you've been around many addicts. What do you know about addiction? Have you read any books to gain knowledge of the addicted mind? I'm asking because that's a good place for you to start to help YOU. If you could understand the behavior,I think you'd feel better. There are support groups for parents of addicts. Check around in your area. There really isn't much you can do to help her but there ARE a few things:
Don't abandon her. Say NO and mean it. No more money,you have to know where it's going and I promise you it's not groceries. Set boundaries. Keep talking to her. Don't yell at her; it does nothing.Try and get yourself some support.
local n/a groups have gotten to know ME well thru the years.... but i never really got much understanding of the drugs thru that other than their stories and "i promise not to again" crap.....ABSOLUTELY NO OFFENSE TO ANYONE HERE WITH THESE WORDS....but you can go and sit for 2 hours thru our local n/a meeting and hear so much BS.... then see them in the parking lot 2 minutes later chasing their demon. I guess most of them are there because they "HAVE TO BE" and the rest of them are there because actually want to try......it has been a very long battle for me with both of my children and family... i work to support us and have very little, if any "free time"....when i do, i am researching addiction...hence, this site....since local n/a seemed to be a joke...........thank you for your response and concern. i will continue to get more info where ever i can to help my family....my daughter in particular. and yes... i have learned quite early about the money ; ) i will buy groceries and pay for household items but NEVER EVER GIVE HER CASH!!! that was learned very, very early in the addiction stage....no matter what she tells me she needs, i will never give her the cash. In answer to your question about the books... no; not a big book reader.... more into tv and internet but if you have something that will shed knowledge on me; i will be happy to go get it.... please advise....
Hi.......I'm sorry your going through so much...it IS heartbreaking.
I'm sure you have the jist of addiction from the outside, looking in, having already been through it with other family members. This stie is a GREAT comfort, if only for YOU. I have been ALL over the internet.....looking for answers/help.....this is where I found Peace. I am a mom of a 21 year old Heroin addict. As hard as it is to hear....everyone one here is right....the ball is in your daughters court. We can not make them stop. BUT...there is ALWAYS hope....new give up on your daughter. YOU ARE the one she needs. I have tried EVERY thing with my son From tough love, putting him out of my life ( never giving up) to pulling him closer, than ever before. The ONLY thing that got to him, that made him think, was he knowing, all he had done, all he had lost, the one thing that remained, was his mom, as odd as this sounds, with deeper love and respect for him, than EVER before. Once I realized, the internal fight he was fighting, that he was in a place he did not want to be, but had no idea how to get out, is when I began to beable to help him in a better way. This site, and the people here, is where I gained my strength. While I don't post alot....I read NON Stop. I have become close to one member, whom has deeply touched my heart, while still battling his own addiction, he has let me in his world. I am able to see the other side, he has done more for me, than he will EVER know. He has given me more of an education, than years of research could...a forever friend. I know ALL your Emotional Torture.....it IS a rough road, but in my opinion, and in my case,.....if there was anything I could change, other than the addiction. I would have pulled him close right from the beginning, and NEVER let go. He is and will forever be "My Son" thru good and bad. When Life is Good...it flows, When life is bad....We Bond, with the people we love. Right now, my son has himself in treatment. The first time since beginning, this long road, has he done something, without being forced by the law.
I Have finally met my adult son for the first time, and the DEEP bond we now share.....was so worth, the years of torture. While I know, we are not out of the woods, and this can still take any path. One thing I DO know......I gave my son....my ALL.
Stick here....It WILL help
My Best to You and Your Family
You will be in my Prayers !!!
I sent you a message already in response to yours but I need to tell you this: (Again,you're not going to like it.)
Until your daughter reaches ROCK BOTTOM, and I'm talking so low that a step UP is a step into hell, she will not get clean or even think about it. All she's thinking about right now is how she's going to score more oxy! She does not care much about anything else.
You have to know this. It's the reality of addiction. (Well,one of them) She didn't have the sense to avoid pregnancy. Come on now...No woman should be having an unplanned pregnancy in 2011! So here's my point: Don't buy her anything. Even groceries. Her world needs to tightened way down. Have her come to the house to eat and give her that option but no groceries,household supplies,cable bill,cell phone bill,elec. bill.,etc...
I know it's hard but you are enabling her to continue her lifestyle by being a "cushion". I don't mean to tell you what to do,I'm just pointing this out to you. I know you came here for honesty and I'm all about that,okay? You will help her by not helping her...
Wow, what a GREAT ACCOMPLISHMENT FOR YOUR SON. If you don't mind me asking---How long had he been on heroin? obviously he took the first step to recovery by ADMITTING HE WAS AN ADDICT AND ASKED TO GO TO TREATMENT RATHER THAN BEING FORCED by family or the law!! That has got to be a HUGE weight lifted right there!! I'm so happy for you! I pray so very badly that one day, I will hear those words ..."Mom, I have a problem...and I need help"...
My daughter, I don't believe was actually addicted to the heroin....she is more of a oxy, roxy, hydrocodone addict but when that wasn't around, she used cocaine mostly then followed by a little heroin to sleep ( cause she had been up for days on the coke ) Things got so bad on the pills that she moved away
( to another city ) so I could not actually see what was going on with her. It was hard to find the pills there so that is when the coke & heroine came into play. When she did come home to visit over the holidays 2009... OMG....A walking skeleton. She had lost like 30 lbs.... but still to this day, she will never ever admit that she has a problem. THAT IS THE MOST FRUSTRATING PART. If they would just admit to it and ask for help ( which means they WANT it ), darn.....I could see signs of hope. Over the past years....She tells me I am crazy and paranoid...That she is a recreational user only and I need to calm down...she has everything under control and its not as bad as I think....I do believe that she has come a very long way from what she was like before she went to jail ( possession & distribution charges of coke and heroin, then after she got out, she moved back to our home town ) ...but I feel she still has the addiction and still to this day will not admit it to me. She resents me for always asking her about it...If she could admit to the problem and ask for help ( as your son did ) OH MY Sweet JESUS How much closer I would feel to her once again and how much different our relationship would be than it is now. I would love to hug her neck and feel that love....that I use to the years prior to drug use. There are so very many nights that I cant sleep or wake up in the middle of the night worrying... ( right now, it is 4:40 in the morning ) I went to bed at 9 tossed for 2-3 hours before falling asleep then BAM!! up at 3am worrying...couldn't go back to sleep sooooooooo...here I am...I go to work with circles like a raccoon from lack of sleep worrying all night. I know it does no good but .......YOU KNOW THIS ALREADY....THAT IS A MOM'S JOB!! we cant help it!!! I have worried so much that over the past few years, I have lost sooooo much hair, sleep, have had nausea, panic attacks, palms of hands and feet itching, and the most recent, migrains along with nose bleeds....I never realized that stress could cause so much physical effects...All I can do is pray that the day comes when she has the courage to come to me as your son did to you and ASK FOR HELP....ADMIT TO HER ADDICTION...that my friend will be the happiest day of my life...
I wish all the best to you and your son. You should be so, so proud that he WANTS treatment. HOW AWSOME!! ; ) I am happy for you and hope that yall have great success with his recovery process....Keep me posted on how he is doing if you have time. I know you said you don't post much; Im a newbie and more of a reader as well; but since you have shared, I care...
VICKI....I know, I know girl!! believe me...The only reason I did buy them a few groceries months ago is because when she moved back to town ( after jail ), she moved in with this guy who I thought was very, very nice...Someone she had been knowing but the never dated until she got out. They got a brand new 3 bedroom brick home in a nice subdivision, he was working 5-10's ( now he is working 7-10's ). prior to this job a few months ago, he had gotten behind on his child support & vehicle note. ( now is paying 2,000.00 per month child support on his 2 kids plus quite a bit on his vehicle ). at first, I thought wow.... what a hard worker...he makes really good money but is just trying to play catch up....So, when they moved into the new house, I stocked the fridge for them. Bought them a 400.00 flat screen tv... then along came the pregnancy...I overloaded myself buying baby clothes and items thinking that she had possibly learned a lesson in prison ( I knew she had begun to slip again around the holidays This year2010) but once she found out she was pregnant, I felt like that would STOP HER COMPLETELY...I seriously think I was WRONG!! I think she cut way back...just enough not to withdrawl... who knows, all you ever hear is lies, lies, lies... They only stayed in the house for about 1 1/2 months cause it was in the middle of his community property settlement with his xwife. now, they are looking to move back where she came from before she went to jail....( that is where he works 29.00 per hour @ 70 hours per week )... darn good money but IT WILL BE PUTTING HER IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DEVILS DEN...When she moves away and I cant see her, I worry,l worry, worry... but when she is here and I see it all the time...I worry all the same.
although the is a very sweet and hard working man, I have recently found out that he is a hydro addict himself. supposedly, from what she tells me, he is on the suboxones and weening but i have heard every lie in the book. In response to your rock bottom, i will have to send you some pics in a private message one night when i have time and I am on my desktop puter. can you send attachments to personal messages on here?? I think death was very, very near for her in the big easy!!
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