Reality Check

[hiskidd]

I use Oxycontin for chronic pain. I used it for 13 months straight (as prescribed), and then went though WDs at the start of 2011. I got about 45 days, and then have been on an on again, off again rollercoaster with this stuff. I've tried an aftercare therapist, but not meetings. I'm a teacher, and "max out" at 45 mgs a day (usually 30mg) during the week. I feel sick on Saturdays because I don't take any. Then, usually take some on Sunday, and start my work week all over again. I'm tired of this merry-go-round, but I was wondering if...well... could the way I use it be "okay" for making it through my weeks, or am I lying to myself. I have 7 and 1/2 weeks off in the summer in which I planned to use virtually none. My last day of school is May 24th, and I told my wife I needed a couple of consecutive days to be sick. I don't go through the hardcore WDs that I used to, but I seemed to have learned a cycle of "drying out," just to keep doing what I'm doing. Now that the WDs are mild, my mind rationalizes it more than ever.

I hope you can find the question in here. I appreciate any advice, postive thoughts, and prayers. Thanks for your time.

David

PS - It's the same "Hiskidd" who has been stupid and ashamed to show my face on this site. I want to quit for good not matter what the stress my job/life brings. Sorry for being such a flip flopper.

[hiskidd]

Better day today. Started last night. FORCED myself to do things yesterday, and getting out last night just to mill around really helped my mind. I woke up weak, and am lacking energy today, but I'm pressing on.

For everyone struggling, keep going. It really does take time for your body/brain to "reset." I'm a long way off, but I'm not giving up.

[hiskidd]

You're both right. Total justification. Thank you.

[ImDONENoMore]

Well said debbie.

[atthebeach]

yes please clarify?   you mean just stop taking them for 1 day, 3 days, a week? and then start again?  you are trying to justify your use by saying you take as prescribed?

this is how i see it.
it isnt so much that fact that you only take 2 -30mg pills or even sometimes only one. i think the fact is that you are so dependent on them for your daily life. you claim to need them to deal with your 8th graders,to play with your children, to deal with your pain, to live your life.

your children are growing, your baby is almost one year old, you are married to a beautiful wife, i want you to remember each and every day. i dont want you to look back in a year ,2, or 5 and have it be a fog.

you arent wasting days now getting clean. you are wasting days when you are high. they are giving you a false sense of security. this pain is temporary.
have you been going to any counseling? i know we talked about it, did you follow through?

hope,trust,peace,hugs,prayers
debbie

[ImDONENoMore]

David - what are you talking about "drug holiday" - what do you mean by that?

[hiskidd]

Should I just do a "drug holiday?" I've never taken past my two 30 mgs amt, and most days just one pill.

Just hurting. Wasting days I want to spend with my family

[hiskidd]

Thanks, Debbie. I'm hanging in there. Trying to drink gatorade and eat some. God is good. God is faithful. This is reminding me to pray for everyone on here.

[atthebeach]

david, hun the withdrawals do get worse each time. that is why you have to kick this in the butt once and for all in the name of the LORD.
NO you are not meant to remain on these pills. that is the thoughts of the enemy of your soul, dont believe his lies. there is life without pills.
let the joy of the LORD be your strength. surrender to HIM. HIS grace is sufficient. the pills are a thorn in your side. they are bondage.

"suddenly an anagel of the LORD appeared and a light shone in the cell.He struck Peter ( David) on the side and woke him up. quick,get up!, he said, and the chains fell off Peter's (David's) wrists"
acts 12:7

David continue to trust,believe,hope and pray the LORD can do great and mighty things on your behalf. do you believe it? well proclaim it.
many prayers and hugs,
debbie

[hiskidd]

Awful night. Worse morning. All I could think this morning was that I want my pills. Too much pain and mental anguish to do this again. So mad.

[fent_ct_or_die]

It's a long road man... I feel like it will NEVER end. But I'm still young right now and only 6 total hours of sleep in 11 days!  Past night is when I got 5!
So wd can be near deadly.. You could lose your careere, family, home... All that stuff. It would be kina sad over a drug that don't even get u high anymore...  Good luck my man! God speed!

[hiskidd]

wds not mild this time, but i guess could be worse. thanks for all the advice. i kept thinking today that maybe i'm "supposed" to take "my meds." i can't remember a mind/life without the pills - what it feels like. i am hoping to make it to 7 days, 15 days, 20 days, etc. and become what im supposed to.

these wd pains suck. these pills lie.

[ImDONENoMore]

David - you KNOW you can do your job w/out the pills.  How many other teachers do you work with that do their job w/out chemical help?  Probably quite a few and you can do it too.  Your head is getting in the way here big time - you think you can't do all you need to without pills and that's a crock of shi& and you know it.  Just imagine doing your work and getting to feel all those great emotions that must come from helping a child grow and learn right?  You want to be able to experience that reward and as long as you're taking pills, you never truly will.

I will always believe you can do this.  I refuse to think otherwise.

[alladvicewelcome]

Hello,

I have been on the same rollercoaster for about a year myself and to answer your question i would say you are only prolonging your goal. I know its easy to lean on the pills when we need to get a job done or be somewhere but if you truly want to get over thia hump you have to set a goal and stick with it. Just eliminate th pills alltogether if your withdrawal is not as hard as it was or is for othera i would say use it to your advantage and just.do it. Support from others to help you stay clean is very important as well. Good luck and stay strong

[hiskidd]

Thanks IDNM, I've kind of started. I did take my normal morning pill, but then I flushed the rest of the bottle. I was apprehensive watching the last of the pills get flushed, but I'm going to try. I've never gone 60 days in succession, and that is my short-term goal. When the new school year starts in August, I hope I'm strong enough to handle the stress and being on my feet all day with just Advil. I work with very impoverished and very mean 8th graders, but I'm putting in writing that I don't want that to be an excuse to come back to in August to give to my pain doc for more pills. I'm gonna try.

[ImDONENoMore]

Why not start today and give yourself that gift?  You can do this David - I too have watched your posts and I know you want it so you have to believe in yourself.  I believe in you - now it's your turn to believe in yourself.

Start TODAY.

[atthebeach]

hi david,
thats good. make a resolve. this is it. bury this once and for all.
enough of living in a fog. monday it is. no more pills.
the guilt and shame is done.your life without pills starts.
the chains and bondage are broken in the name of JESUS.
i pray for peace in your heart,mind,soul,body.
it is finished.

[hiskidd]

Coming down to my launch date. My wife knows all that is going on, and is going to give me a few days to "be sick." I start Monday. All the pills will be gone. No more scripts. Here's hoping. Thanks for the positive thoughts and prayers.

An addictive mind, a dependent body = being flawed = being human.

Oh, Oxy - I wish I had never met you. I do hate you. Die.

[hiskidd]

Thank you all for shooting straight with me. This is the week I quit. I just prayed that God would help me be strong/take it away. My verbatim prayer included these words: "Please take oxycontin out of my life, for the rest of my life. I want to be able to live and exist and feel joy again without it."

It does make me miserable in the end. It makes me guilty during. It makes me "not myself" all the time. I make plans I can't remember later. I pile too much on my plate. Then I feel like a complete failure when I can't meet my lofty "goals." It's a wash, rinse, repeat cycle, and I'm so tired.

Oh, Jesus, please help me...

[marycarmel]

I never believed my pain would lessen with less meds.  I had terrible pain for 5 years and underwent 9 surgeries and countless procedures and they had me on just about everything.  Took me a year to taper off the big stuff and a few weeks to get off a lower dose of oxycodone.  My pain is now easily controlled with ibuprofen (high doses) and some prescription gels and lidoderm patches.  Some days are harder but overall, I am so much better, especially mentally.

[gnarly_1]

HI David good to here from you but each time I do your a little farther in then the time b/4 as for your withdrawals dont think you got it figured out or got it beat they tend to get worst each time around
we need to help you get off this stuff once and for all your addiction will only grow worst.....David you can do this if you want it bad enough
I have kept you in my prayers my brother in Christ let us help you set you free but first you have to see it as a problem where all here to help good luckand God bless.......Gnarly

[dominosarah]

You have pretty much convinced yourself that you are in control now and that will come back and bite you.  Many of us have found that once we were off the pills for a time our pain levels decreasesd, this may happen for you too.  There are non narcotic meds that will work on pain.  I was amazed at how well advil works!!  Keep us posted on how you are doing~~~

[hiskidd]

Thank you. Yes, the treadmill is still in the mix, but I definitely use it more when I'm off the pills. I don't enjoy the buzz, but I do welcome not feeling my neck/back/finger pain in the midst of teaching a lesson to middle schoolers, or playing with my four children, etc. I know what you are saying. Please keep saying it. I have "learned" to live on this stuff. I need to relearn how not too. My main problem is feeling that maybe I am normal. Maybe this is my reality. I'll message you later this week. Got a friend coming over with marital problems, and he sounds stressed. Thanks for being His kid too :) David

[atthebeach]

hey david, i am sorry i didnt get back to you before now. i am glad you posted. hun you have been in this same situation before. yes life is full of stresses,problems,ups and downs. we have to learn to live life on its terms, without the pills as a crutch. if your pain in your back  management with the treadmill, exercising,physical therapy, acupuncture,chiropractor,massage?? do you use the pills as a crutch?
do you enjoy the buzz?
daivd please be honest with yourself and before GOD. you have been in my thoughts and prayers for a long time now. i know the struggle you have. there is freedom from the chains and bondage of this addiction my friend. remember you are his kid. HE is able.
prayers and hugs,
in HIS name
debbie