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Recreational cocaine?
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Recreational cocaine?

Hello,

I have been dating someone for 5 months now and we 're in love. The problem we're having is actually cocaine. he was a user when we started dating, but hasn't done it for a couple of months because I asked him not too. At least as far as I know. I do know that before we met, he used to it very frequently. Every day according to one of his friends. When we met, he had the constant runny nose and accelerated heartbeat that I've read  is associated with cocaine addiction.  Now, last Friday he said he loved me and wanted to marry me, but that if I didn't understand that he wanted to do cocaine once in a while, he couldn't continue our relationship. He says that it isn't that cocaine isn't more important that I am, but of course that's a lie, because he's willing to break up with me because i don't want him to do cocaine.

I need your advice. I love him and I don't want us to break up over this, but it might come to that. Can you please give me examples or advice, things I can tell him to make him understand why coke, even recreationally, is bad for him? And keeping in mind that as recently as last year, he was more than a recreational user.

Thanks so much for your advice. I really want this relationship to work, but I can't be with someone who doesn't even see why it's harmful. I can't believe he's actually willing to break up with me if I don't shut when he wants to do coke. He says it would only be a couple of time a year, but I don't know. Giving me such an ultimatum does not bode well.
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20 Comments Post a Comment
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Avatar_m_tn
I agree with sonnyOne.

If he stopped entirely, or just is using occasionally, he probably did it for you.  Tell him you love him, but never tell him it is ok for him to use, at all.  

Friend999
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352798_tn?1399301754
How do you spell trouble? There are very few people capable of keeping dope, recreational. Or should I say, occasional. Usually it will escalate into more than that. If you two get serious and then have kids? Is this OK for him to use? They will find out. They always do.

SunnyOne802, my ENT used it to numb my nose when they cauterized it.
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Avatar_m_tn
Actually there is a medical use for cocaine in the eye surgery field -it is manufactured by Merck pharmaceuticals and is in many pharmacies - it isnt used much anymore - but that doesnt matter. And I am not even sure if you could call coke use recreational - for the people that really like it (your BF is one) there is no recreational use a time or two a month or whatever. Its a slow ride downhill to all of the negatives you have heard about it. I cant make your mind up for you - but I would say if your BF says he wont marry you without the other girl along .... send him packing. Perhaps have him read some things from the Grandfather of coke himself - Sigmund Freud......Freud thought that he had unleashed a wonder drug - until it killed his fiancee...................
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Avatar_f_tn
If you get arrested why don't you tell the judge the recreational thing, see how that works out.

Jules
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Avatar_f_tn
ahh i was a kid of a cocaine abuser and they can say that they stoped and that they will never touch it again but if the temptation is there up the nose it will go im so serious. it killed my dad .. honestly all the love in the world is not enf to make him quit if he doesnt want to and i kno that ***** to hear but its true .. i was my dads everything and i wasnt enf. let him hit rock bottom on his own and he will realize that he screw up  
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Avatar_f_tn
Boy that sounds like a beautiful proposal........Run for the hills now !!!  Cocaine will destroy the love real quick.........Hmm.  I love you and I want to marry you, but cocaine comes first......thats the first clue, to get rid of him.  Sorry.

nauty.............
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Avatar_f_tn
I would certainly hold off on accepting that marriage proposal.Put it this way what if he said he wanted to marry you but only if you allow him to have a mistress?I would think like most woman ,you would tell him to hit the road.The thing is this drug will eventually become the other love in his life,if it is not already.The fact that he says he hasn't used it but it is the deciding factor in whether or not he will marry you says to me he may not be being completely honest with you or himself.The drug will become his "mistress'.He will begin to chose it over you,spend more time with it,spend all his money on it,and do whatever it takes to get it even if it means hurting the the people in his life that love him the most. I wish you all the luck.Peace.
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199177_tn?1332183097
Kim has brought up some very good points. This is not the way you want to start a marriage .Marriage is hard enough to start but throwing in some major issues straight out of the gate is not the way to go .It sounds like he has some serious problems he needs to deal with are you sure you want to put yourself in the middle of that.
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Avatar_m_tn
it would be different if he told you "this drug has a hold on me and i want to use it at times or a lot of time, but i have not since i have been with you... but i am having a hard time not doing it - can you help me get help because i love you so much i can't imagine living without you..."  

but it sounds like he did not say it this way. More like "i want to do coke when i feel its "recreational" and if you agree to that i'll marry you".  But then, his friends told you he was doing it every day before he met you.

2 things:  - he most likely has been doing it again since he has been with you, just doing a good job of hiding it.
- if you agree to this and marry him - it WILL REAR ITS UGLY HEAD and "recreational" will be what it is - full-blown coke addict that will destroy his and your life.

not to be harsh, but the only positive outcome of this is if he agrees doing coke is not "ok", but in fact a dangerous, addictive drug. Take it from someone who knows (me) - it is the devil.  He is in denial.  If he were to agree and ask for your love to help him get clean, different story.  But in this situation, i would tell him you don't want to be with him because of his attitude to coke.

there is no "recreational" use of coke. I've never met someone who can just do it "from time to time", but there MAY be people like that.  Plain and simple, it is a very addictive drug that gets hold of you and does not want to let go.

i wish i could tell you different, but he is an addict (like all of us here) - and while there is nothing wrong with him as a person (or any of us) - the drug has hold of him, until he works to get free of it. WITH OR WITHOUT YOU.   just be careful what you're stepping into, as you will find out it WILL ONLY GET WORSE AFTER MARRAIGE.

not to be harsh, but it is what it is.... good luck, and i hope you do the right thing (or he does).
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401095_tn?1351395370
Kick him to the curb!   sorry but that is how i feel about any man who would even posess the nerve to say that to me...ask him if it is ok for u to take ur clothes off a few times a year and flash his friends for the thrill...being ugly but geez
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Avatar_m_tn
Recreationally using Coke???????
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Avatar_m_tn
is that like a social h junkie? LOL
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Avatar_m_tn
How fast can you get to your car and get the hell outta dodge sweetie?
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406584_tn?1399591666
Cocaine the beginning of the end, The other women, Their is only room for one....
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Avatar_f_tn
I think  Worried had it right...how actually could a man posess the nerve to put your possible marraige and cocaine as a prenup in the same sentence!!!! That is insane..I know you love this person but he has already lied to you..please don't fall into the trap of....oh..i can change him..NO you can't....he has made that very clear to you...i'm sorry..that is just wrong
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Avatar_m_tn
im a husband , a father , and a cocaine addict. he never stopped using, he jus hid it better. no way a daily user jus quit to be witcha, sorry to sound rude, but i know dope hon. ask around , these folks know me an how much cocaine has wrecked my life, my kids, my marriageS, yes both of em!! i lost one wife an son to dope, and know im bout to lose another family. i will not continue to fight if i lose em. i will revel in my addiction til it kills me, cuz i cant live witout em. if you think you should marry him after his statement , i can give you both my ex and wifes cell numbers, they will tell ya exactly wut its like to be with a coke addict..... we have giant hearts when sober, and tend to try to buy nice things to make up for the nites we dont come home, answer the phone, or see our kids. we fight daily to remain in control, the hole time fooling ourselves into thinkin we can have and lead a normal life. honestly, we should all form a community for coke heads, because we cant function long in society without turning to dope. months maybe, sometimes even a year, but the sad fact is coke controls us. i love my kids sooo much, and i cant stop to save my relationship with them. i pray to God , and ask him to change me, but it seems the life i have lead has God not tryin to hear me. i know this, i will die without my kids, my family... but it seems thas not even enough for me to get and retain control of my life.
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460948_tn?1232305722
Wow as I read your post I had shivers go down my spine. Marry me but only if I can have my Coke? Sweetie you need to run as fast as you possibly can and now!!

Listen I understand that you love this man and I'm sure you want to believe that your love can heal him or make him change but it WON'T happen.

I'm a drug addict and let me explain how this works. When I was using I would do whatever it took in order to get my drug. Now I'm married and have 2 wonderful boys but still I would do out landish things in order to get my fix. We lost our family car because instead of making the payments I was buying drugs. We would've been out on the streets except my hubby's mother owns the home we live in so if we skipped several months rent payments she wasn't going to kick us out. We never had money for anything because I had a habit to support and it meant more to me than anything else.

Cocaine is nothing to mess around with and I can guarantee you that your b/f is past the recreational use and is moving into the "I really need this drug" use otherwise why would it be a condition to marriage?

Think long and hard!!!!
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Avatar_n_tn
Thanks for the advice. I think the hardest thing is that his closest friends do it. In fact, I think that the advice he had to have this talk with me came from his closest friend. He had spent the whole day with her, and then that night springs this on me. She and I had already had a  fight regarding coke and why I didn't want my bf to be doing it (she brought it up and was very aggressive about why I didn't want him doing it). Then friday, he spends the afternoon with her and he comes to me with this.

Obviously, it didn't come just from whatever conversation he had with her, but I do think she was the instigator in telling him to make a stand about it, because the truth is that before, he always said I was right (even if it was a lie). Now, I do think that when we have another discussion, he will again say, "Oh you're right, I'm sorry, I don't want to lose you."  But how can I know if that's real? I am certain he doesn't want to lose me, and hat Friday night's talk was more posturing than anything. Yet, It might be like you guys say, if he can't accept he has a problem, then nothing he says is truly real.

And then knowing that his closest friend is the one giving him this advice, I'm starting to see her as an enemy. Because of course she will never support him in seeing that he has a problem when she herself has that problem. Therefore, she won't be supportive of our relationship. And yet, that is his best friend and someone who I have to deal with. I might need to get out of this relationship because of  her. I can't tell him to cut that relationship, but then I will always live knowing that she's giving him detrimental advice, and I don't know how he will deal with that. Especially when after talking to her he comes to me saying that if I don't let him do coke he will break up with me.

On another note, all my love and support (even if only on the energy plane!) to those of you battling with this demon.

Thanks so much for the feedback.
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Avatar_m_tn
after reading that it sounds like you up against a big wall. not one addict, but two. Nobody wants their "using buddy" to quit, as then they (the girl "friend") would not have someone to do coke with and may no longer have someone to rationalize that it is "ok" to do.  That's an uphill battle you may NEVER win.

hate to say it, but in your best interest... .walk away while you can.  i wish you the best of luck, remember - there are lots of clean, normal guys out there that will treat you right.
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Avatar_f_tn
I agree with udoschoices,you don't want to lose your 'drug buddy',that is until you are ready to get clean then you have got to cut the ties.You have to remember though although his drug buddy may have introduced him to the drug and as long as she is using ,will always help him justify his so called 'recreational use',it's his decision to put the drugs into his body.In order for him to be free of the drugs first and foremost he is going to have to want it and second in order for him to stay clean he is going to have to stay away from persons,places, and things that he surrounds himself with while he is using.It sounds like it may be in your best interest to seperate yourself from this situation for a while and gain some perspective.Think about your future.
do you really want or deserve to continue living your life this way?I wish you all the best.Peace.
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