Aa
Rehab ruined my husband - !!
My husband has been in a rehab facility since December 17th and will be discharged on January 30, 2011. I've posted before about the letter he wrote me ending our marriage only two weeks into treatment for a 7 year addiction to narcotics / Suboxone and Ambien.
He's going to a halfway house on Sunday, closer to home, and will be there for at least a month. I can barely put into words how much damage this rehab facility has done to him. He hasn't called me since writing the letter - he's not sure what to say after ending our 10-year relationship, and a 10 minute muffled phone call in a room full of people really wouldn't cut it anyway. But I do know that he was on 3 different medications up until a week ago and he hasn't had a drug free day yet. He will be discharged with an active prescription of sleep medication. The family involvement that this center promotes is an absolute joke, since no time in the whole 6 weeks has any counselor contacted anyone in his family.
He wrote another letter to me that he mailed this past Monday, reiterating how we're no good for each other and his sobriety is the most important thing. I feel his counselors have belittled his family and rather than involve him in his treatment, they've got him convinced that the only way he can be sober is to turn his back on everyone, especially his wife. Whenever he talks about divorce, he starts with, "My counselors tell me ...", "The therapists say ..." and the simple fact that he's not clean yet makes me believe he's no way capable of making these decisions on his own, much less being pushed into them by "counselors". He even stated in his letter that he's being pushed into decisions he's not comfortable with but he needs to move forward for the sake of sobriety, since he's told he has to be willing to do absolutely anything and make sacrifices to be clean. He gets new counselors every week and every one of them has told him not to return to his job (which I agree with) since he worked basically around the clock and it fed into his cycle of increased drug use.
I haven't responded to either of his negative letters and I'm not quite sure how - or if I should even try expressing myself in a letter rather than face to face. Everyone in his life believes the facility he went to is nothing but bad news - poor treatment, they have no clue what they're doing and they're keeping him drugged up just to collect their insurance money. I can't imagine he would even be receptive to anything just now and any slam against the facilty would be seen by him as scrambling to keep my marriage together.
If we are not meant to be together and we've crossed too many hard roads to make it, I'll accept that. But not like this - after 10 years without a true chance together AFTER the drugs. We haven't had a drug free day together in 7 years. Divorce is hard enough without going through it at the hands of people I believe brainwashed him rather than help him. I feel he's in worse shape than he was going in.
Your guidance has always been so helpful to me ---any thoughts?
He's going to a halfway house on Sunday, closer to home, and will be there for at least a month. I can barely put into words how much damage this rehab facility has done to him. He hasn't called me since writing the letter - he's not sure what to say after ending our 10-year relationship, and a 10 minute muffled phone call in a room full of people really wouldn't cut it anyway. But I do know that he was on 3 different medications up until a week ago and he hasn't had a drug free day yet. He will be discharged with an active prescription of sleep medication. The family involvement that this center promotes is an absolute joke, since no time in the whole 6 weeks has any counselor contacted anyone in his family.
He wrote another letter to me that he mailed this past Monday, reiterating how we're no good for each other and his sobriety is the most important thing. I feel his counselors have belittled his family and rather than involve him in his treatment, they've got him convinced that the only way he can be sober is to turn his back on everyone, especially his wife. Whenever he talks about divorce, he starts with, "My counselors tell me ...", "The therapists say ..." and the simple fact that he's not clean yet makes me believe he's no way capable of making these decisions on his own, much less being pushed into them by "counselors". He even stated in his letter that he's being pushed into decisions he's not comfortable with but he needs to move forward for the sake of sobriety, since he's told he has to be willing to do absolutely anything and make sacrifices to be clean. He gets new counselors every week and every one of them has told him not to return to his job (which I agree with) since he worked basically around the clock and it fed into his cycle of increased drug use.
I haven't responded to either of his negative letters and I'm not quite sure how - or if I should even try expressing myself in a letter rather than face to face. Everyone in his life believes the facility he went to is nothing but bad news - poor treatment, they have no clue what they're doing and they're keeping him drugged up just to collect their insurance money. I can't imagine he would even be receptive to anything just now and any slam against the facilty would be seen by him as scrambling to keep my marriage together.
If we are not meant to be together and we've crossed too many hard roads to make it, I'll accept that. But not like this - after 10 years without a true chance together AFTER the drugs. We haven't had a drug free day together in 7 years. Divorce is hard enough without going through it at the hands of people I believe brainwashed him rather than help him. I feel he's in worse shape than he was going in.
Your guidance has always been so helpful to me ---any thoughts?
I can very much so relate to whats hapoened to you.. I met my exhusband when I was just 15 yrs old (im now 36). We bagan Herion use a few yrs into our relationship. I would get clean and he wouldnt and vise versa. It was an ongoing vicious cycle that just wouldnt break. I wanted to be clean more than anything but he loved everything about the use (the drug, the run, the people, the life style) as to where I didnt.I knew deep down that if I didnt leave him I was going to die. As much as I loved him and as much as my heart broke, I had to leave him. I cried, I wouldnt eat, became very depressed, on top of that I was withdrawing from Herion. We divorced about 10 yrs ago. Weve had contact 2x since our divorce via phone. I often wonder what hes made of himself. Me.. ive been Herion free since July. 22, 2003. I walked into a Methadone clinic on that day and havent used since. I transitioned over to Suboxone about 6 months ago.
I know the confusion and pain you must of felt.. but its a fact. If any 2 people have used together then your just a trigger for one another. Yes its sad.. yes it hurts, but its something that has to be done if you want your sobriety that bad. I see its been a few years since this post.. im wondering how the 2 of you managed since?
I know the confusion and pain you must of felt.. but its a fact. If any 2 people have used together then your just a trigger for one another. Yes its sad.. yes it hurts, but its something that has to be done if you want your sobriety that bad. I see its been a few years since this post.. im wondering how the 2 of you managed since?
1 Comments
My boyfriend has been in rehab three weeks today. We have been together for two years and we have a one year old daughter together. He is in a co-ed relaxed facility which worries me. I've been able to go see him on Sundays and we get two 15 minute calls a day. Our last visit he seemed really distant and his phone calls he always needs to go for one reason or another. I'm not sure what to do. The facility cut the visiting hours by half and I don't want to interfere with his recovery but I feel like I'm not part of it. Any thoughts?
I often refer to my wife as "my ex-bartender". That is how we met and started our relationship 17yrs ago. We've been married for almost 12 yrs. She's been clean for 6yrs and I've been clean for 4yrs. We both started getting cleaned up at the same time, I relapse on scripts. Anyway, people told me that staying together would probably be bad for my sobriety. They said two sickies don't make a wellie. Fortunately I have a great sponsor who asked me what I wanted (which was to be sober and stay married) and if I was willing to do what was necessary to do that. I was and still am. Aside from the week long relapse things have gone well. Counselors and other ppl in recovery told me that ppl places and things could be triggers and get me using again. Although that is true, I learned that as long as I am spiritually fit I can do anything and go anywhere as long as I don't put any substances in my body. I guess the point that I am trying to make is that the hardship of staying married and recovering from drug and alcohol abuse has made the foundation of my sobriety that much stronger. The key is to do what is necessary. Follow suggestions on how to stay sober: get a sponsor, use the phone, go to mtgs, work the steps, pray.
As for you I would suggest talking to the counselors as calmly as possible and try to find out what is going on. I wouldn't go in firing both barrels. That may only reinforce him staying away. Give him time to get his head straight. Early sobriety isn't easy. The mind is doing things you can't even imagine. Treat him with love and patience. I understand you want to give a clean marriage a shot. You may just have to wait your turn. Right now it is about him getting clean. First things first. Let him get clean and then figure out the rest. Pray for him as well as the counselors. Good luck and God Bless!!
As for you I would suggest talking to the counselors as calmly as possible and try to find out what is going on. I wouldn't go in firing both barrels. That may only reinforce him staying away. Give him time to get his head straight. Early sobriety isn't easy. The mind is doing things you can't even imagine. Treat him with love and patience. I understand you want to give a clean marriage a shot. You may just have to wait your turn. Right now it is about him getting clean. First things first. Let him get clean and then figure out the rest. Pray for him as well as the counselors. Good luck and God Bless!!
Thanks to all of you -- it was a long road getting hubby to the place in his mind where he knew he couldn't do it alone and all I want is a good, fair chance at getting back to be the couple we were before the addiction 7 years ago.
Thanks again for all of your support :)
Thanks again for all of your support :)
I'm not using at all - never did. Hubby became addicted to narcotics / Ambien following a car accident 7 years ago. Thanks to all for your input and your caring thoughts and advice. I will keep you posted.
Just to add, you must remember that treatment centers, no matter how good their intentions, are first and foremost a business. They will coerce you to receiving extended care, halfway houses, and IOP. They will say and do anything to get as much money out of you as possible. I'm certainly not against rehabs given my history, but with the good things come the bad and it's his responsibility to weed it out. Alot of times hindsight is 20/20 and we don't realize it until after the fact.
Lastly, a person will get clean when he desires it more than using. You can go to a million meetings and relapse just as easy as you would driving by the drug dealer's house every day. It took a long time for me to be completely normal and now I can't understand why I put myself and everyone through the hell that I did. I don't desire any drugs and can say that it never crosses my mind. The mental obsession is the biggest obstacle; once past that and a person can live drug-free with no problems.
Lastly, a person will get clean when he desires it more than using. You can go to a million meetings and relapse just as easy as you would driving by the drug dealer's house every day. It took a long time for me to be completely normal and now I can't understand why I put myself and everyone through the hell that I did. I don't desire any drugs and can say that it never crosses my mind. The mental obsession is the biggest obstacle; once past that and a person can live drug-free with no problems.
I've been clean close to a year now with the same addiction as your husband and I had to go to detox twice and rehab 3 times. My wife used to say I was addicted to rehab! It took quite awhile to be completely drug/medication free. The places I went did the suboxone detox and after each would put me on the most popular anti-depressant at the time, plus and ant-anxiety med and a sleep-aid such as seroquel or trazadone. None of these medications are addicting, however you certainly arent your true self. Seroquel, specifically, is an anti-physcotic first and foremost, which happens to make you drowsy. The body does develop a tolerance, and for me personally, it made me more depressed. As addicts, especially pill poppers, we are accustomed to taking something to make us feel different. Rehabs will get you clean, but we are so physically and mentally weak that we welcome and feel that we need medications continously. In my opinion, thats where they fail. The hardest part is getting out of the mindset that a pill will solve our problems. It took me a few years and many failed attempts to see it.
Now about the rehab brain-washing your husband, I can relate 100%. Your so vulnerable that you will believe and do anything your told. Many people after a few weeks in, will have, what the rehabs call, the "pink cloud" affect. We think we have it all figured out and that we can conquer the world and that simply isn't true. I've been brain-washed to get a sponsor, go to 90 meetings in 90 days, work the steps and I will stay clean. Unfortanetely, there's alot more work to it. When a person leaves treatment, they may be detoxed, but they are in no way out of the water. Their brain has still not recovered; it's not producing it's own pleasure-inducing endorphins yet ( it takes several months to recover) and it leaves the person lethargic, depressed, and feeling extremely empty inside.
Your husband sounds really gung-ho now, but I believe once he's out of the halfway house that he will come around. We are taught that we cannot do this alone, and since you guys are married, you went through an addiction with him, and went through just as much pain and heartache regardless if you use or not. Addiction is toughest on families and I believe the addict has it easier in most cased. The counselors at my treatment center, were adamant about staying with family and called my wife weekly with updates, had a week full of classes just for her, and were extremely supportive. Divorcing you may or may not be the right thing, but you deserve more. Abandoning you suddenly is the wrong way to go.
I'm sorry it's so long, I just have been down this road many times, and if I didn't have my wife's support and especially patience, I would not be clean today and would be homeless or dead or in jail. My advice to you would to try and be patient. He will come down from cloud nine once he reaches the real world. Sobriety is most important to the addice and those that are consistantly in his life. Don't anyone else give a damn. Educate yourself via Alanon, or other counseling. Learn addiction in and out. Know what the relapse triggers are for your husband. Most importantly, communicate with one another. He doesn't see it now, but he will soon need you more than ever. Also, cross addiction is a common way of relapsing. Look for the signs, they are always there however subtle.
I wish you the best
Now about the rehab brain-washing your husband, I can relate 100%. Your so vulnerable that you will believe and do anything your told. Many people after a few weeks in, will have, what the rehabs call, the "pink cloud" affect. We think we have it all figured out and that we can conquer the world and that simply isn't true. I've been brain-washed to get a sponsor, go to 90 meetings in 90 days, work the steps and I will stay clean. Unfortanetely, there's alot more work to it. When a person leaves treatment, they may be detoxed, but they are in no way out of the water. Their brain has still not recovered; it's not producing it's own pleasure-inducing endorphins yet ( it takes several months to recover) and it leaves the person lethargic, depressed, and feeling extremely empty inside.
Your husband sounds really gung-ho now, but I believe once he's out of the halfway house that he will come around. We are taught that we cannot do this alone, and since you guys are married, you went through an addiction with him, and went through just as much pain and heartache regardless if you use or not. Addiction is toughest on families and I believe the addict has it easier in most cased. The counselors at my treatment center, were adamant about staying with family and called my wife weekly with updates, had a week full of classes just for her, and were extremely supportive. Divorcing you may or may not be the right thing, but you deserve more. Abandoning you suddenly is the wrong way to go.
I'm sorry it's so long, I just have been down this road many times, and if I didn't have my wife's support and especially patience, I would not be clean today and would be homeless or dead or in jail. My advice to you would to try and be patient. He will come down from cloud nine once he reaches the real world. Sobriety is most important to the addice and those that are consistantly in his life. Don't anyone else give a damn. Educate yourself via Alanon, or other counseling. Learn addiction in and out. Know what the relapse triggers are for your husband. Most importantly, communicate with one another. He doesn't see it now, but he will soon need you more than ever. Also, cross addiction is a common way of relapsing. Look for the signs, they are always there however subtle.
I wish you the best
I'm really sorry for what you are going through. I am in treatment currently, we are told not to associate with anyone who is a user. And it is the patients right to not talk to family members, maybe this is the problem. I have to sign releases for whom I want to have access to my treatment. Could this perhaps be the problem? By no means am I condoning or sticking up for the facility that he is going to. Just trying to get a clearer picture of whats going on. To better understand ur situation I would like to ask you a question, are you and/or his family members, an addict, recovering addict, or have never been one? If you/family are this would explain why the councilers would tell him to stay away from anyone that is an addict. It could also be that he is having a hard time dealing with anyone during his time through recovery. Sometimes us addicts need to focus on ourselves more than anything else at this time. Unfortunately it can hurt people we love. I hope you both can work through this. It can be a very confusing experience. Of course there is rehabs out there that should be closed due to ethical reasons, I would investigate into this.
Good Luck
Traci
Good Luck
Traci
I definitely understand where you are coming from, you didnt say in your post, but are you still using? If you arent, you need to let your husband know that. In rehab they all tell us that our sobriety is the most important thing, and to stay clear of anyone that is still using. And, i dont know where this rehab center is coming from, telling him not to keep in touch with his family. My best advice is, give him some time, he will want to see you and the children down the road, the key is patience dear..Hang in there, and i feel your pain where you are at.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Usually these types of decisions are not made, nor recommended for quite some time when a person cleans up. The lack of family participation worries me also. I would take this time to get some counseling for yourself right now. You need to be healthy now too. Keep us posted on how things are going~~~~sara
The way the rehab centre has encouraged him to behave sounds absolutely crazy to me.
While recovering addicts are quite correctly told to avoid "people, places, things" that supported/led to their using that does not mean all past relationships/activities should be cut off! I cannot think of a time when we need the support of loved ones more than early in recovery so saying he should end the marriage does not sound healthy at all.
Apart from any other consideration, in my opinion making any major decisions while the brain chemistry is in utter turmoil, at it will at his stage in recovery, should be avoided at all costs. I can only speak from my own experience but I was a complete mess around that point and would not have trusted myself to change my own clothes nevermind change my life upside down.
The way this has been handled sounds like a complete abuse of influence and authority., Sorry I don't have any concrete suggestions on how to resolve the situation but you really should not have to be facing this after all you have gone through already, it is just not right.
While recovering addicts are quite correctly told to avoid "people, places, things" that supported/led to their using that does not mean all past relationships/activities should be cut off! I cannot think of a time when we need the support of loved ones more than early in recovery so saying he should end the marriage does not sound healthy at all.
Apart from any other consideration, in my opinion making any major decisions while the brain chemistry is in utter turmoil, at it will at his stage in recovery, should be avoided at all costs. I can only speak from my own experience but I was a complete mess around that point and would not have trusted myself to change my own clothes nevermind change my life upside down.
The way this has been handled sounds like a complete abuse of influence and authority., Sorry I don't have any concrete suggestions on how to resolve the situation but you really should not have to be facing this after all you have gone through already, it is just not right.
Hi, Im sorry to hear all this. I am just out of rehabafter a 14yr heroin addiction and countless relapses inbetween doing it at home. I was killing myself so rehab was my last chance. It was hard as i was also there during christmas but its thebest thing i ever done. I had no drugs though to help me come off heroin. I went cold turkey so i think maybe it could be the drugs hes getting. But it seems as if he thinks he has to cut ties with everyone which is true to a certain extent. You have to cut ties with anyone to do with drugs but if you dont use i cant understand why he wants to cut you out. If i was you i would be phoning the rehab and having a severe word with them asking them what this all about. I have been out just over a week and im 53 days clean and all i want is my family back. Good luck. Best wishes James
That is so sad to hear. The very first time I tried to get clean I went to therapy and she too kept harping on me needing to end my marriage to get clean. I had to change everything. After just a few visits I quit going.
As I read your post I couldn't help but think that once the new has worn off for him, he may reconsider just how sound the advice to divorce was. I think if you love someone, you find a way to get back to them. Keep a level head and see this for what it is. He's confused and not sure of the very two feet he's standing on right now. He's probably doing what he thinks will please the counselors.
I think your seeing this too. Wonder what some of the other members think.
As I read your post I couldn't help but think that once the new has worn off for him, he may reconsider just how sound the advice to divorce was. I think if you love someone, you find a way to get back to them. Keep a level head and see this for what it is. He's confused and not sure of the very two feet he's standing on right now. He's probably doing what he thinks will please the counselors.
I think your seeing this too. Wonder what some of the other members think.
Have an Answer?
You are reading content posted in the Addiction: Substance Abuse Community
Is treating glaucoma with marijuana all hype, or can hemp actually help?
If you think marijuana has no ill effects on your health, this article from Missouri Medicine may make you think again.
Julia Aharonov, DO, reveals the quickest way to beat drug withdrawal.
Tricks to help you quit for good.
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
