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Avatar universal

Rehab

Hey y'all, I am actually on the plane now off to rehab!!!!   I am so scared of detox and leaving my family, but i know deep down inside, this is the right thing to do.  I can only pray that i will get through this and come out stronger than ever and continue to seek therapy.  This really has been a long dark road for me and i am ready to take charge of my life, i am going into rehab with an open mind and i am going to fight this demon with everything i got in me, and i will WIN!!!!  I will not let myself or my family down that's for sure.  i am scared of the unknown and what life will be  like clean,  since i only really know life on pills, but i am ready to see life with a clear mind.  I want to say thank you to all of you that have stuck by me through this journey,  I cant thank you all enough for the support.  So now its time for me to put on my armor vest, fight this demon, because now that i want to be clean the devil will be trying to come after me with his arrows, but i got my armor vest on and i will beat his A$$!!!!!  i will keep y'all posted as much as i can while in rehab and for sure when i return home, but in the meantime i want to say to all, keep fighting and soon life will be allot clearer and just beautiful, i know there is light at the end of this tunnel and i cant wait to see it!!!!!  XO to all Dane
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Avatar universal
Oh......totally forgot.  I was on subutex in rehab for a week one time.  They tapered me off and I didn't even notice!  You'll do great!  
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Avatar universal
How are you today Dana?

  I'm doing well and I'd like to tell you all about it but I don't want to make your thread all about me...

Write when you can...xo
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Avatar universal
OMG...........I just saw this!  Yaay for you!  I'm so proud of you I can hardly type and keep having to freaking backspace!  A week clean huh?  WOW! That is a big accomplishment!  I'm so happy for you!  
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1895503 tn?1332373374
Dane & Family ___

I am so sorry I didn't finish my post, but went to sleep, and just got up to write.  Well it was probably the best thing.  I noticed I haven't expresses my great, great delight at what happened during detox.  I had a terrible pain cycle going where: I would wake in pain, take Opana, feel better (yet over the year more anxious and terrified that I was down a one-way street with no way to wake without Opana!!!);  then around 12, my body would get tight and achy, and I would take my Opana, then the same cycle would occur, but usually a little less intense bc I was able to talk myself out of a good deal of the fear;  then at 6, I would be at the same muscles-tightened, in withdrawal-from Opana (and now I have learned that certain muscles were tightened and painful because I have just been diagnosed with Adult Asthma during my Detox stay).  So after breaking the cycle in the hospital, I have been pain free.  So, my cycle was one of pain (and I had disc replacements at C-5-C-6 just 2 years ago, and tons of pain before then), that couldn't be broken without the Opana being taken out of my system.  For everyone who hasn't read my store--I repeated it painfully (to the reader about 100 times over the past 6 months I think, I tapered down from 150mg Opana (120 was ER & 30 was IR) to less than 30 mg IR --- this was over 4 to 5 months, and I was stuck at every point along the way multiple times--just praying God would get me to the next lowest place, and sometimes I struggled longer than other times, but I always got to the next lowest 5 mg, until I had to have detox.  I would definitely recommend going into detox if you can afford it and/or have the opportunity--as soon as you can.  It is senseless and dangerous to do tapers if you have the opportunity to get help.  But, on the other hand, most of us don't have the opportunity to do so, and I really want to show you that it can be done if there are no other options.  I want you to be encouraged, but very, very smart.  I told 4 doctors in my life exactly what I was doing with the taper from the beginning, and all the way till the end.  
     And when we (my husband) and I knew it was time to get help we did.  And we have learned that the very condition I was so sure was the  thorn in my side (I have had a decade of this torment.)  My heart goes way out for all of you going through this, and all of the painful situations with drugs, alcohol, and yes, with pain.  So hyperalgesia (the condition where pain meds. actually cause more pain) is real.  People do have it--I had it.  It nearly killed me many times over.  I have friends that cried for me when Whitney (our beloved Sister) went home last month, because they could see me being next.  I felt the same way.  And,my life was certainly saved because of how I was influenced to get treatment more quickly.  See, the tapering was starting to go  too far.  I couldn't handle it very well at that point.  So I was blessed to go to detox.  
     I am going to have to start getting dressed for group now!  Now I am at a place for 2 weeks of intense, intense therapy.  I will write more --- if not this morning, then tonight.
     Dane, we should have done this together.  Sister, I love you.  And, i have the suboxone issue too.  I am struggling with it right now, and will write more later.  I also have the issue of how much I miss my little girl!  She knew I was in the hospital, and then I chose to go to the second place.  She is upset about it!  But, she is coping as best she can.  I keep remembering how much more Mom she will be getting back. We should write a question on encouragement for doing rehab, when you have kids you feel guilty about leaving--or perhaps I should just go through your old posts!  
      Well, I love you Sister, and I love everyone of you that reads these posts.  I am sorry I have been away way too much.  I will do better.  And Dane, I will PM you soon.
    I better run.
Big Hugs and
Thanks to Jesus Christ, my Lord, who is showing Himself to be my Healer!!!

Marie

Marie
Helpful - 0
1895503 tn?1332373374
Hey Girl,
It really is too bad we didn't go to the same tx centers.  i was at a hospital program in Florida (West Palm Beach) called Palms, after the one I thought would be great didn't end up be so (actually the first 2).

Now I am at a different 2 week program that is very intensive therapy, but we live in this amazing house in Florida.  I didn't know I was going to do both place, but my hubby really wanted me to do both.   And, I am so tired, of the 10 year battle I have been in-- well the pain started 10 years ago, the pills, about 5 years ago, and they pretty quickly went to lots and lots of pills taken NOT as doctor prescribed them.

I will finish my post in a few minutes..............
Marie
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Avatar universal
Dana!  I just read your last post...LMAO...you said: "I grew to love medication and yoga"...   Yeah...I grew to love medication too!!!  LOL.   a little Freudian slip...You know I find humor in everything!!

I'm really proud of you!  One week!!!   Very good and can you believe it???
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1814148 tn?1332485798
Wowzers girl, I'm so proud of you! I too am waiting to hear when I go to rehab. It's what I need to do to deal with this last relapse. One thing I have learned is how to pick myself up quicker and get back on track. Reaching out no longer humiliates me...it's foundational to my strength and courage ;o)

I know it's difficult to be away from your family but this is your time to heal. It sounds as though you are well on your way. Remember what I told you about the tears of futility that kill laboratory rats?? Well you have shed enough tears to conquer the bubonic plague! LMAO! You emotions are spring loaded and in no way can every tear be analyzed and explained. Let each tear lighten your heavy heart and each breath draw love and light toward the beautiful spirit that is YOU! I'm sending you lots of love and prayers XOXOX
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Avatar universal
Hey dane im so proud of you!!! a week is awesome. whit shoot. i can't wait to hear your stores. i think of you all the time...your my buddy
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1416133 tn?1351123217
Hey dane!  So so proud of you!  I'm really glad to hear you're taking everything you can out of this experience.  It's going to help you when you get home.  Just go slow okay?  And try not to worry so much about being away from home.  When you get back, you're going to be on your way to becoming the person you've always known you were so you're getting there.  It's a slow process and a long road to recovery, but as you know, it's worth it.

And we'll be here for you.  I'm so freaking proud of you!  :)
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Avatar universal
Hi guys, well i am a week clean today!!!  I am not feeling well at all, but as gnarly says you need to feel ok with just being ok.  I am receiving lots and lots of therapy here in rehab and learning to re learn myself, if that makes any sense?  My emotions are all over the board and all i do is cry.  Today in group was my time to talk and i just couldn't talk, i just cried and i dont even know why, so embarrassing to say the least, but wow, talk about all the emotions coming back, i guess this is what it is like to feel again since i was so numb by all the opiates.  I am very homesick and i only committed to 3 weeks but yall will be proud, i made a comprise and i am paying for  extra one on one sessions with each therapist a  week so its like doing a 4 week program into 3 weeks!!! I am proud that i decided to do that, i actually am now getting in group and learning so much .  I came into rehab with an open mind saying that i will give this my all and try everything before i knock it.  So i grew to love medication and yoga and when i return i will continue do so as well.  I have not been around much since my days are so filled but i just did a quick lurking around and so many people are relapsing, and its so sad to hear.  Come on guys lets fight this all together and beat this b1tch, we just have to want it for ourselves and nobody else!!!   I am going to win, who else is on board with me???
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Avatar universal
Thanks guys!!! Gosh guys i just love y'all!!!!!  I am in rehab/medical detox, and i was put on subutex not suboxone.  Basically depending on the individual you usually stay in the detox house for a few days and then you work your way up to the main house at a level one, once you prove that you attend all your sessions and groups show participation then you graduate to a level 2 and thats where you get outside privileges like going to the movies and such, of course supervised.  So of course the nurse made an error when he explained my taper coming off of the subutex, i demanded to talk to the doctor to discuss the taper and i was right the nurses screwed up, tomorrow will start my taper, as of now i take 4 mg in am and 4 in pm, tomorrow it will be 4 and 3 and so forth, and yes, before i leave i will be off of the subutex.  I do wish the first few days they didnt allow outside contact but they do, only becasue its hard to be so slefish when i have to keep looking at the clock as to when to call the kids and such, but its working, but my mind is not 100 percent focused on me, maybe next week when i am booked up it will get better.  Thank you guys for always being such a great support  structure for me, i will contine to write my journey with yall, day 4 is almost gone and ready to embrace day 5!!!

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1416133 tn?1351123217
Go slow dane.  One moment at a time.  And IB is right, if you're pissed off, then this is working.  Change is hard no matter how good it might be for you.  All you have to do is think about now.  Nothing else.  I'm really proud of you.
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Avatar universal
Hi Dane, great to hear from you! I understand your frustration. We tend to want things to go on our schedule. Take your time with the therapy. You will let it out when you are ready. I am not very good at baring my soul either. It does seem as though you are doing well. We're all here rooting for you. I have decided to go to therapy through EAP and it is a scary prospect for me.

Take care and keep us posted,

Minn :)
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271792 tn?1334979657
Dane, you are in a detox center? I'm sorry hun, I just don't remember your entire story. I ask because generally a rehab or treatment center does not detox you so they are very different. I assume you were put on Suboxone? Are you still on it?

Listen, I know this is rough but they know what they are doing so please stick it out and let them help you. I also know this is out of your comfort zone and that is a good thing. If it is uncomfortable---then it is working!!

I am shocked that you are permitted outside contact but keep talking!! Hang in there. It will be okay.
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1331115 tn?1536362140
Sorry about all the typos I am typing this on my blackberry which I am terrible at.
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1331115 tn?1536362140
Dane it is a big freaking deal to be 4 days clean and you should be very proud of yorself as we all are here of you, try not to put all your hard work down. You sound like you are making it through. I know it's tough but you are determoned and you WILL make it. It's good that you are getting some counsoling and therapy as it helps us figure out why we use. I know it is easier said than done but try not to fight the emotions tlet them come out you may re-discover yourself. I know I did when I went through counseling. I went kickin and screaming saying I don't need this I know why I use. HA I knew nothing until I learned everything, so go with the flow right now and relax. I will say a prayer for you and ask God to guide you down the road to sobriety and the light at the end of the tunnel. Also you said they tapered you down from 8 mg subs to 4 mg are you OK at 4mg. If so I would leave it there so it will be easier to taper off. Good Luck anf God Bless you---Rick
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1827057 tn?1397520277
hope you get over to the other building soon.Are they going to take you off of suboxone before you leave?
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Avatar universal
Thank guys, i am so glad to have ya'll on my corner!!!!  I have mentioned this site to the other people i have made friends with and only 1 guy is interested, how bizarre is that?  Whatever, i just i have to be selfish and just worry about me for a change.  Today is another clean and its not a good day for me, i am so tired and just scared, and unfortunately the cravings are coming back:(  The people that know me on here know for a fact i am honest and i am sad to say i  just want to take a pill, i hate to even say it but its so true.  The weekends are dead around here, so i have so much time on my hands to just think,Monday my schedule will be so filled up and i actually enjoy that.  I see so many therapists  all in one day monday -friday and it does get draining.   They are waiting for me to break down and cry and i cant let it all out, i still have not done that yet, i am sure that will be coming soon, i well up in session and then stop myself.  Vicki, is it normal to go from 4mgs twice a day and then start my taper to 4mg once a day?  I m freaking out, and all i have done today is sit in my room and cry, i keep getting the run round first they told me i moved up to a level one which means your out of detox and can move to a regular room, but NOW they say nope you are still at detox your not moving,  after they F'ing told  me to pack up and i can move into the house.  The house is the main area where everyone is and hangs out, the detox is off the beaten path in the dungeon i call it.  My emotions are so crazy and i keep getting told by someone different a different story,ugg i am so pissed off today.  If it means anything i am now 4 days clean,,,big freaking deal......
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1926359 tn?1331588139
Dane,
Hi darlin'!  I am so happy for you that have embarked on your journey to reclaiming your life.  Remember it is a journey and not a race!  Keep that open mind and more importantly, an open heart.  You are healing, so make sure you treat yourself with lots of love and compassion.  I am rooting for you!

xo
Lu
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Avatar universal
Coming off the sub will be fine. Don't worry about it. They're doing it the way it should be done:FAST!!   LOL!  That place sounds just perfect for you!
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Avatar universal
Day3 sober for me, and moving upward and onward!!  One day at a time and so some points its hour by hour.  All the therapy is so draining, i see one on one for an hour each, and then group.  I am really learning alot and getting to terms with the unlining issues that brought me to use.  So overall its going well.  I am afraid of coming of the subutex, i have one week on on it then they will start the taper.  Hopefully it will not be that bad.  They sure keep you busy here and i did meet allot of lovely people.  I am so glad i did decide to go and get help and i am feeling positive that i want going to walk out of rehab a new person.
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Avatar universal
Good morning, Dane,

It sounds like you are in a great place and just where you need to be. I don't think you have much to worry about with the sub. From what I have read here, if used short term as intended they are very helpful and you won't have a problem with them. Since you will be on them a short time and tapered off you should be fine.

Your post really is encouraging and may inspire someone else to get help.

Please stay in touch as you are able.

Love and hugs,

Minn :)
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Avatar universal
Hey All,  well, i made it to rehab and i am  on day one clean.  Its is very nice place that keeps me very busy and i have a full schedule throughout the day.  Currently i am in the detox house with a nurse right in the next room.  They have me pretty heavily medicated i started heavy Wd's this AM, so i went to the nurse she takes your blood pressure and accesses  you on how bad or active WD i am in.  I was losing my mind this morning and they started me on subutex 8mg, i take 4mg in the am and 4mg in the pm, they gave me 3 mg of Klonipn and serotal.  At night they give me the serotal as well just a higher dose.  Tomorrow i get all my blood work done and also a urine test again.  the staff is great and very understanding and they try to keep you as comfortable as possible.  I missed the group therapy this morning because i was too sick but then after the subutx i felt better and was able to go to all my therapies.  It is very draining for sure and man do they dig deep down into your inner child, and that freaks me out a bit.  My emotions are running wild, i mean i cry over everything and i am not a cryer.  But tomorrow is another jammed packed day at picking my brain so lets see how it goes.  I am just taking this day by day.  I am only on the subutex for a week and then they will taper me off of that.   I hear that coming off of subutex is worse is that true?  I actually cant believe it can be any worse than the opiates.  I just cant wait to finish this detox crap and then they will move me into the main house where all the other people are staying. i am lonely in the detox, i hate that i am all alone down here but glad the nurse is right there if i need her, but i do look forward to moving up to the main house and getting  roommate.  I am so homesick already and dont know how i can stay this long away from my kids, i feel so guilty about leaving them and our phone conversations are cut short with the 3 hour time difference:(  But i promise y'all i am giving this 100 percent and i am doing all the things they want me to do i just follow my schedule and attend all my appointments.  I am actually going to try and get hypnotized next week, i met with her today and i really like her and she gave me all the information about what it all entails, hey it will be a first and i have nothing to lose.  So far i do not have a craving to use, so that is a good thing, but i am very well aware that can change. So overall i am doing OK, they told me the worst is to come around day 3 or 4.  Ok all, going to take my sleeping pill and off to la la land and tackle tomorrow. Thanks again all for all your support!!!!
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495284 tn?1333894042
COMMUNITY LEADER
Go with a spirit that fears nothing~~~sara
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