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Relapse - advice needed please

On January 25th I went cold turkey from taking well over 100 mgs a day of oxy. The wds were absolutely brutal but nothing could have prepared me for the extent of the mental anguish that came after the physical detox. I wish I would have started an antidepressant a month before I quit, it would have helped. I have always battled both depression and anxiety but they both were magnified x1000 when I quit oxy. I could not take feeling complete misery and feeling suicidal every single day and not far into recovery, I relapsed. For the last two weeks I've been doing 30 mgs of oxy a day and am planning to quit again soon. I started the antidepressant amitriptyline a few days ago and want to give the antidepressants a chance to kick in a bit before I detox again. I also made an appointment to go in next Monday and get on a waiting list to see a therapist who specializes in addiction. Another thing I wish I would have done before I detoxed last time. The waiting list is about 4-6 weeks long but I plan on quitting next Monday. Hoping that will be enough time to have the antidepressant start working. I know they say couple weeks to a month for it to start working but I don't want to wait that long to detox, the sooner I do it, the better in terms of the physical withdrawals.

I'm hoping the withdrawals aren't as brutal as they were last time. They shouldn't be as I'm not anywhere near my prior usage before this relapse. Please tell me it won't be as bad as last time..I am going to cut down to 20 mgs then 10 mgs over the next week to try and make the physical wds easier to get through. What I'm dreading is the damn mental part. I hope the antidepressants help me avoid becoming a complete basketcase and that starting therapy can help me deal with the trauma I experienced in the past that ate away at me so badly after I quit. Any advice would be really appreciated. I'm kicking myself over and over because I have to once again detox and start over again.
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Avatar universal
You can do it! It sounds like you are making good plans for success after. I doubt that the wd will be as bad as last time, since you are using less and for less time. So at least you know what the worst case would be, if it is as bad. And you know that you made it through that. I'm sending lots of supportive vibes your way.  I'm jumping on Sunday so if you do Monday we can do it together...sort of!
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Avatar universal
Thanks for your post and yes, I'm bracing myself for the wds but I know it shouldn't be as miserable as before since I'm not using near as much. I'm optimistic that the antidepressants, therapy and going to meetings and this forum will all help me stay clean this time. It's been a real learning experience for me this relapse, I wish I hadn't relapsed but at the same time it's shown me that I really can't do it all alone and that I really do need lots of help to stay clean and recover from this addiction. I think I'll borrow your mantra if you don't mind and use it myself. Not an option to use pills anymore and think of other things I can do to get my mind off it and get through those rough moments where I really feel like taking a pill. Thanks to you and everyone else for your support. I really appreciate the posts and emails I recieved giving me inspiration, hope and encouragement that I really can and will do this right. My whole lifestyle needs to change and I'm trying to take the steps to make that happen and having everyone here to help me along the way means more to me then I can describe with words. A big THANK YOU to you all. I can't do this without lots of support and knowing I have the help of everyone here means so much to me.
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Avatar universal
I had detoxed and relasped a few times prior to this time where I am not just abstaining but in recovery.   My withdrawals hte two times that my usage was not as long and as high were not as bad as the other 2 withdrawals.  Of course, there wsa still withdrawal so prepare yourlsef but they were definitely not as bad.  The mental stuff has been a lot harder but so far two things are really getting me through....well three things...this site, running (any kind of endorphon releasing exercise should do though) and taking it moment by moment.  When I want to use I go to my mantra "that is not an option, that is not an option"  If it is a bad moment and that is not an option then I think ok, what is an option to get me through this moment...chocolate, stretching, breathing, running, bad television...  You can do it.
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Avatar universal
sweatinit: Glad to hear your back on track again. I'm also going to a meeting tommorow and will be my second one too. My first was just days after I detoxed and I should have kept going. Tapering is a good idea, what did you taper down to before you jumped? I am doing 30 mgs of oxy a day and would like to taper down to 10 mgs so that the wds aren't too bad. Even at the amount I'm doing now it wouldn't be too horrible but I figure the less I'm doing when I jump the better. Trying to decide when to do it though is my dilemma. On one hand I'd like to let the antidepressant kick in and that would take 2 weeks. On the other hand I really don't want to drag this relapse on so I'm thinking about quitting this monday. I expect to feel like crap the first week anyways and hopefully by the next week the antidepressants will have had a chance to kick in. God and this site helped me detox before and I'm sure that will be the case again. This time I really, REALLY want to STAY clean and get the help I need to do that. I will pm you a little later tonight. I have two sick babies on my hands so don't have much time right now but when things settle down a little later I will.

tellittoher: Thanks for your post, made me feel really good. Glad I helped you and very happy to hear how well your doing, thats amazing and you should be so proud!! I have struggled quite a bit but hopefully with getting aftercare in place and on an antidepressant I will be able to stay clean once I detox. Really kicking myself for giving in to the pills but trying to make it a learning experience and take it from there. Hats off to you for doing so good! And thanks again for the compliments, I'm glad I was able to help you. Now if only I could help myself..lol.
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Avatar universal
moon,

you know that i too relapsed right? one day of percs and i hated it!  i have 19 days opiates and 5 days f-cet. w/d werent too bad 2nd time becasue i tapered. it was hard but in the long run, well worth it. I am feeling good, strong and most determined! Drawing every bit of strength from God for sure. Going to my second meeting 2morrow.
Keep me posted on your progress. I have been thinking about you much! pm me anytime too, k?

Kathy
Helpful - 0
935907 tn?1296069836
HI moonshyne, I am very glad to see you back again, I do remember you and read quite a few of your post in my wee wee days of recovery, moonshyne I just want to say thank you for those words, and any words that come out of your mouth are good words too!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Just was wondering how you were doing, and just very glad to see your words again,, 91 days moon, and I thank you too for those good thoughts and words you have given me,,, in this together, you can do it,, I did, you can too,,, god bless,,, mike in nc
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Avatar universal
Hi there,

Yeah I'm hoping the wds are not too awful, no doubt I'll be suffering some but hopefully nothing like before. Really hoping the antidepressant and seeing a therapist helps me to stay clean this time. I think it will, I just wish I had done all this before I quit last time. Live and learn (the hard way) I guess. Nice to see you too, how have you been?
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Avatar universal
glad to see you back, Moon. Hopefully you wont have to endure too much physical stuff w/ w/d, Nice job lining up your aftecare now,
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Avatar universal
They say 2 weeks minimum for the antidepressants to kick in which would make it a week after I quit. I am expecting to feel crappy the first week but after the physical wds are done I hope the antidepressant at least makes me somewhat stable emotionally, not go off the deep end again. I have so much anger about the stuff that happened to me in the past. I'm hoping by working with a therapist I can sort out some of that crap and be able to let go of the past and all the pain associated with it and truly live in the present and look to the future with hope. I'm determined to get it right and am trying to do whatever I can to put the odds in my favor. For anyone new reading this, line up aftercare right away even before you detox. The physical wds are one thing but the mental part causes so many to relapse.
Helpful - 0
230262 tn?1316645934
sorry to hear of your relapse. god knows Ive relapsed many, many times and there were a few times when i was in WD that i was nearly suicidally depressed as well. Ive been a long time sufferer of depression, and at that time I was living with my abusive Ex still, and things got just absolutely horrific when all those emotions and pain came flooding back. Thankfully I left him long, long ago but anyways, I do understand the crippling depression and mental agony you sometimes get with WD.  I wish you the best and hope your antidepressants kick in soon.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Moon, you can do it..My Doc put me on celexa about 10 days after I quit C/T  took about 2 weeks to starting working  59 days clean and never felt better..  Good Luck let us know how your doing
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