Relapse After Withdrawal

[SecondBySecond]

BACKGROUND: So...After many years of scouring the internet I have decided to post.  I have been using opiates for many years now.  I started off by abusing scripts or Vic/Norco that I would receive legitimately for various reasons.  At little over four years ago now, a friend of a friend had me try a 10mg Oxy, he crushed it and wanted me to snort it, I did so.  That was all it took.  I was immediately hooked.  Throughout the course of that night I probably snorted 8 10mg oxys, not even knowing what they were.  I just knew I felt great, ended up staying up all night that first night.  After that I started using on the weekends for a few months, at which point 20mg of oxy snorted would have me feeling great.  It slowly progressed over months until I was using everyday.  Throughout my using career I tried pretty much every opiate, Vic's, Norcos, Methadone, Morphine, Somas, MS. Contin, you name it.  Oxy was always my favorite.  By this point my wife was starting to notice something was up, money was missing, I would leave at odd times for hours to go get pills, and have stupid excuses.  Also the crushable form of Oxy was becoming hard to come by. I finally confessed to her.  After confessing I quit cold turkey, went through hell, it was the worst.  After this first detox I thought, I beat this, I am a bad ***, I deserve a reward, so within a week I was using again.  I ended up using again for about a year or more, wife caught me again.  Now this time, I went and saw a DR. and was put on suboxone and then subutex.  I stayed on the subutex for a year, was doing well.  One day someone gave me a pain pill, Roxy 30mg, I held it for weeks.  Then one day after being on the Subutex for a year, I thought, Hmmm.. I'm on a pretty low dose of Subutex, maybe half a milligram, I wonder if I will feel this Roxy.  I took it, I felt it but it wasn't as good as I wanted it to be because of the Subs.  I immediately called my old hook up, and it was on.  I had/have a steady supply of 80mg oxy Ops.  My hook up lives right by me and only sells to me, so I have access to his entire script every month.  He does not work so he will meet me ANY time I call.  So they are OPs but I started chewing them.  First it was one 80, then two 80s at a time, then I was taking 2 80s in the morning, 2 80s around lunch and 1 80 in the evening, so I got up there.  I still had/have the subutex at this time so I used it as a crutch, meaning I would use heavy for a week or two, then get on the subs at a low dose for a few days, ween myself down, start back on the oxy.  I have done this for exactly a year this month.  Now here I am, my wife called me out AGAIN and I quit Cold Turkey again on October 4th, 2013.....it is now Oct, 22nd.  I am doing a lot better.  I was bed ridden for 3/4 days, slept maybe 4 hours over the course of the entire first week.  Right after the first week I started sleeping again and my RLS went away, so it was a real hard 2-4 days followed by some sleepless nights and RLS.  As of now I have been having anxiety and a lack of motivation, but all in all not too bad, 200% better than I was two weeks ago.  So here's me question.

QUESTION:  On about the 4th day of my detox, I went and got 4 80mg ops, but I did not take them, old habits I guess.  My hookup kept calling me, he made it so easy, so I caved and bought the 4 pills.  So, needless to say they are burning a hole in my pocket.  So today, after 18+ days Opiate free I took one 80 mg OP.  I know I know I'm kicking myself.  Now I am hoping someone with experience can answer this.  Will this relapse of 1 80mg OP, when I usually take up to 5 in a day, but usually 3-4, cause me to go back into withdrawal?  My wife will kill me if I'm back in bed tomorrow!!..  I am so ashamed and mad at myself.  Any one with a similar experience or insight?

[lild713]

Yup change number will help big time since at least you know one person right or go through one person? I've had so many people luckily some of them changed as well but still couple of people try to make in a way to tempt me cause I was spending so much money with them. It's sad even thinking about it and what not I'm glad I'm better it's hell getting off of it just when your over with it and remember what it has done to us that's what I think about it all that money I probably would traveled and etc, also I'm going school to keep myself busy and play video games with friends that moved away and see them doing good themselves motivates me actually to so yeah. Good luck again brother! We're here for you! I releapse so many times and I'm sure a lot of people on here did as well in the end not worth it.

[lild713]

Damn I really hope and stay strong same here I never used or will use oxy before even if someone ask me try it but I was addicted to vicodin as well and it sure did burn a big hole I mean big hole, also it is hardd and temptng when someone calls u saying blah blah or try give u ua good price so you don't quit, Anyway's all they want is our money end of the day half of them don't even do it they just wanna make fast money and that's it. I've realize a lot these couple month's I've been through hell and back started hanging around bad group of people and I was addicted to xanax got off of it, also to be honest that time it wasn't to bad and I use to hate pain killers where I had car accident that time and didn't even know how it makes u feel I thought it just kills the pain which it do but not like that if you know what I mean and my mom knew and she checked it and I just did like one a day even tho they told me take couple, Anyways one day we all got bored and tried it and I threw up and I was like man I really hate taking vicodin and force myself to like it and boom that's all it took really bad mistakes on my end and cost a lot a lot alot of money and lost some family member when I was trying to be honest and real and admit it to them, obviously bailed on me except some of them. Keep your head up bro! Try to ignore them or make a excuse say I'm broke and have no money, also I tell them t hat if they try to do that and I wanna change my number but man I have this number out on job's I'm looking for, Therefore I don't wanna change it yet but I will eventually and erase there number and that will help big time but really it's all on us to decide to quit and stop just gotta have the strength to say NO. I know how it feels and I'm about to be on subs for a little bit at least a week or two and I'm done and just going to stop not going to keep doing subs either. Good luck bro! Prayers go out to you!

[lild713]

I fee you bro in 2009 same here that time I actually had Pain killers people kept saying makes you feel good now realize end up bad as well....Keep ur head up.

[SecondBySecond]

In my experience the acute, worst of the symptoms last for 3-4 days, followed by a few days of insomnia and RLS.  After about a week you should be feeling a lot better, not 100%, but better.  The second week you will probably be low on energy, lethargic, maybe depressed...  This could continue for a couple more weeks... But again feeling better as time passes, little by little...

[eastside58]

i have been on 10/325 hydrocodone for 7 yrs i get 120 a month from my dr and my wife gets 120 from her dr  which she gives all to me.The thing is i ran out yesterday no more refills until just a little more than a week from now.I am trying to quit this merry-go-round never enough pills,I am sick this is day 1 how much longer does this last i know i can do this

[SecondBySecond]

Thanks!...and I agree with you!  I am at the same point in my life, I feel.  The pills were killing my physically and financially.  It got to the point where it was costing me $80-$100 a day, just to get by.....that's ridiculous!...I can think of countless things that money would have been useful for, in a positive way!...Thanks for taking the time to comment, I appreciate your advise!

[WalkTall]

I had a nasty 5-year habit of taking 20 to 30 norcos per day, which I acquired illegally at a significant cost. I tried to quit a couple of times without a "full release" of the pills.  In other words, I detoxed with the intention of just keeping a few pills around, or just taking a few - only on the weekends.  I thought I had control, but the truth is, something has changed in us.  We have no control when we have pills around, or at our disposal. The only way to quit is to totally quit. Get rid of your pills, and distance yourself from your supplier.

Whether you can succeed, long term, totally depends on your level of determination.  Most of us reach that level by bottoming-out.  

My bottom came when I kept relapsing, and slipped into a deep level of humility and despair, knowing that the addiction controlled me, and I had become a slave to little yellow pills.  I promised my wife and God that I would dedicate myself  (with their help) to the cause of ending the diabolical lunacy, and vector every ounce of my energy towards getting and staying clean.

I suggest that you reflect upon the reasons for your relapse and why you were so reluctant to flush the pills.  If you feel that you have no control.. that your finances and responsibilities are taking a back seat to the pills, then you must become uber-determined.  So determined, in fact, that you'll do anything and everything within your power to renounce the poison, get help when necessary, and reclaim your life.

[ROSYouralright]

Hey! Glad your here and hanging in! Can I ask you a favor? Can u start a new thread BC this one is so long. I'm on my cell phone and it is difficult to get through all the previous posts! Only if you want to! THANKS ! I wanna keep up with ya

[SecondBySecond]

Good morning...doing ok today, a little sluggish, but that usually wears off by mid-day

[Teri9498]

How are u today????.......

[Wildewoman]

Good for you!! I was clean the first time for only 3 dasy - then used. Today I am at day 49!!

[OxyTired]

When I started my recovery plan over 100 clean days ago from oxy, I was still full of my "grand analysis" of the situation. I tried my very best to convince everyone here that I could detox for two weeks, then use oxy with my wifes help safely for 4 days for a "legit pain" issue, and continue merrily along no problem. Whew, did I ever get called on that! The universal response from the Forum here was "BS"  My addict ego was massively offended. How dare they talk to me that way??
But I really wanted sobriety. I kept coming back, just did more listening. Hard to do for me. I am a professor by trade and very analytic by nature.
Addiction is no respector of logic. It humbles us all. I had to turn a deaf ear to my chattering mind. Do what people here said.
1 Get rid of all the pills, 2 cut all sources, 3 find aftercare, 4 work a daily program of recovery.
Simple as that. No more, no less. My personal answer to my addiction beast who is always with me ready for me to let my guard down is: "No more pills"
Period. (no matter what back pain, etc, etc)
Slowly my life is turning around. Much of the credit goes to people here and others in my life that know that pills are not good for me at all. No need for secrets, or ego boosts.
Just wanted to share this with you. My program is now more of the heart than of the endless "logical" chatter in my head.
Oh yeah, and from above, 1, 2, 3, 4
Best to you!

[SecondBySecond]

Getting offline for tonight.  I will check in tomorrow!  Thank you all for the encouragement!  It is extremely helpful for me to be talking to people who understand...more helpful than I ever thought it would be...I feel good tonight, I am optimistic, I am a Dope Less Hope Fiend!!.....:-)

[SecondBySecond]

My wife was glad I coughed them up....She asked why I did not give them to her immediately...  I explained to her I am stupid, and I rationalized having them in ridiculous ways...  I see it all, I know what I should and shouldn't do...  But knowing doesn't make it easier for me...but speaking to people like you does...  Thanks for taking the time to comment

[SecondBySecond]

Thanks!!...I appreciate your words or encouragement!..  Your right, today is my first day here, but talking to everyone has really helped.  Thank you all!

[SecondBySecond]

Thanks again....but as you pointed out initially they are gone!...of course I sound absurd, of course my addict mind is feeding me BS, I quit a mere two weeks ago...I am sure your mind told you similar BS in the early stage of your recovery?  Am I any different than you were at FIRST, any different thought process than many of us here in the early stages of recovery?  Let's focus on the positive...  I am not trying to disregard your opinion..  Not by any means...you think some of the things I have said sound absurd, I Agee to a point...but what is the main goal here?  Mine is to quit opiates...  We all may take different paths, you may have tossed them out the window, another man may of flushed them immediately, yet another man may have ate them!!... At the end of the day, they are gone....  If I told you every single thought that passes through my mind through out the day, you would think I was a lune!... But that is irrelevant to me.  What matters is not using, regardless of what I tell me self or how I rationalize not using for the day, my goal is to not use at the end of the day, by any means necessary...  If I have to tell myself my house will burn down in order for me not to use for that moment, so be it!..  I understand your intention is to help, I understand that some of my thoughts may not be rational, but I am a baby in this recovery thing my
man... I am learning...  I am not trying to justify my thought process at all times...some times I have moments of clarity, some times I think like an addict... What matters is they are gone, wether I threw them out the window, or set them on fire, they are gone...but again, please know I appreciate your feedback...  I understand where you are coming from...  I understand you are telling me my thought process at times is that of an addict...  I get it...  However I do not think I am unique in this regard...  Thanks again for taking time out to give me your opinion and insight...  Enjoy your evening...  God bless..

[ROSYouralright]

What did your wife have to say about it all?

[kyle505]

"Well...I have kids, my thought process was if I throw these out the window, what if a kid finds them and takes them?"...  My final comment for this evening.  Read that. It is a perfect example of your addict's brain making excuses, controlling you. Can you see how absurd your statement is? And the longer you are with out meds, the more your mind will push, and the more absurd your reasoning, or lack of, will get.  
Please be careful. You are at a dangerous point right now.
K

[BearsFan1966]

If you truly want this you can do it! We are all here for you and this is a great site for support! You wanted your wife to know you are serious this time and hopefully you are and can become a new man! Life is so much better clean and not having to count on the pills to get "threw"! Every day will be a little better and when you feel you can not go another minute jump on this site and just read what others are going threw! This is what helped me get threw the rough days! Good luck and I know if you want it you can do it!

[SecondBySecond]

Dead serious...  But as you know yourself after 15 years as you said, it is not easy.  I have taken the first step on this long road...  I'll meet you at the finish line!

[SecondBySecond]

There gone now........gone

[SecondBySecond]

Thanks!...appreciate it...

[SecondBySecond]

Well...I have kids, my thought process was if I throw these out the window, what if a kid finds them and takes them?..I know this is a long shot, but not an impossibility..  Maybe I wasn't strong enough to flush them myself?  Not 100% sure, but I am 100% sure they are gone now, and that's what matters in the end.  Getting rid of them is a small victory, and I appreciate your encouragement....now the task of remaining opiate free..  I hear every one say once an addict always an addict, so I have a long road ahead.. Day by Day, Minute by Minute, Second by Second!..Will I ever use again, I sincerely pray I never do, but I would not be so arrogant as to say NO!...but I am going to work towards putting things in place to keep me clean...the same way I would plan and have "backups" while using, I am going to apply that to abstinence, and pray for the best!   It is a long road ahead, but for now I am optimistic...  I have notified exercise helps a lot...since day 3 of stopping I have been running and or walking 1-3 miles a day...definitely helps!

[kyle505]

clean:
yep...lots about this I don't understand, but I guess that's not necessary. If Second is serious it will show in a couple of days.
K