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Relapse after 6 years clean
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Relapse after 6 years clean

Good evening everyone,

6 years ago I got clean off a terrible opiate addiction.  My average day was 300mg of oxycontin, and towards the end I would even shoot heroin if I couldn't get my DOC due to finances or availability.   I managed to stay clean the past six years due to intensive work on my recovery, including NA and one-on-one therapy.  About 6 months ago, I met a man who I thought was my soul mate.  He has a great job, tons of capital, a wonderful family, and a beautiful 4 year old son who is in need of a mother figure due to his biological mother's death at his birth (I can't have children, so a built in family is the next best thing!)  Unfortunately, as is the case in many new relationships, I stopped focusing on my recovery and ceased going to my Friday night meeting that I have attended the past year religiously, and instead focused on my new found love and family. 8 days ago, I discovered oxycontin in my boyfriend's suitcase when he was returning from a business trip. I confronted him about my findings and concerns when he returned home from work that evening, and he shrugged if off, claiming that is was purely recreational for him and that I shouldn't freak out.  The next evening, he suggested I take a "chill pill" (as he calls them) and party with him a little, since his son was with his grandparents.   He is aware of my previous issues, but claimed that he would monitor my usage, and make sure that it didn't get out of control.  For the past week now, he has been doling these out to me like candy in the evenings, and my dosage is already up to 100mg each night.  I know this is wrong on so many levels, but I can't seem to shake the feeling I get from these, and the way it magnifies our time sent together.  The sex has never been as good as it has been this past week, and we seem to be able to be completely honest and open with our conversations.  My house is spotless and my energy seems endless as it pertains to playing step-mommy and fulfilling all the obligations (and then some) that a mother is supposed to.  I have voiced my concerns to my boyfriend about becoming addicted all over again, but he seems to think that since he has enough money to cover both of us without it affecting our everyday life, there is no way that taking these pills can really harm us.  He thinks we will just grow out of it as well get older.  I know what I am doing is wrong, and I know where this is headed, not only for me, but for him as well (and of course the effect his little boy will endure as well!)  I am not sure why I am posting here, I just know that I feel like I am doing something VERY wrong and should address it before it gets out of control and I end up where I was before!! I have sponsored others before, so I know the right (and wrong) decisions to make, but I can't seem to apply it to myself! Thank you to all who take the time to read my rambling here!  If someone could kindly cyber-kick my butt and knock some sense into me, it would be great!.
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9 Comments Post a Comment
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1827057_tn?1397523877
I went 2 and a half years off of oxy and then thought I could take one.I relapsed for a year and spent over 20 k with an addiction 2x more than what I had before.You obviously know where this will lead and even if he is a millionaire you will still end up running out of connections or you will die or something worse.You know it will be very easy to stop right now where you are at.If you continue you know how hard it will be.Good sex   never heard of that on opiates.That won't last either.  
That being said I know that love makes us all stupid sometimes.Very sorry this happened to you after all the hard work you put in.You know what to do    We are here    And I know that the line between using and being sober is razor thin  so I am not judging you at all   just trying to help
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Avatar_m_tn
How can someone who claims that they love you, and who knows about your past struggles, ever consider tempting you with pills? The only excuse is he doesn't understand addiction, BUT, what he did, is doing, is not how a "soul mate" acts. From what you've written, you are on the wrong path. You need to talk to him; if he can't understand, then you need to re think this relationship. And, it does not stop when you get older. I'm in my late 50s, and just finished a horrible ct detox. Shame on him.
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Avatar_m_tn
Thank you for the quick response Ricart!  I do know where this is headed, and I know that if I stop now, I can somewhat pick up my recovery where I left off and reinvest myself fully in the recovery process.  The biggest thing I am struggling with now is the fact that I KNOW I have to end it with my boyfriend.  This is one of those "pick one or the other" situations.  There is absolutely no way I can continue to be with him while he is using.  He sees absolutely no reason for quitting (he doesn't believe this is or ever will be a true "problem") and therefore it leaves me with a decision.  He is the first man I have even dated, let alone truly cared for, since I got clean 6 years ago.  I love him, and more importantly, I love his son.  I just don't know where I am going to find the strength to do for myself what I know I need to do.  I have come such a long way these past 6 years, and to throw it away for a 6 month relationship seems silly, yet I haven't been able to bring myself to end things with my "dream guy."  I have to realize he is far from a dream guy though... he could be my worst nightmare if I allow him to drag me back down the road of addiction!
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1827057_tn?1397523877
How long has he been using?He may not even know what he is getting himself into.I know that when I was tired of all of my other drugs and weird freaky drug friends,opiates seemed so clean and so wholesome comparatively,at first that is.I could be social not be social,no hangover no looking like death or excessive rambling,I coould even run3-5 miles a day and look as if I were doing great and taking care of myself.We know that all slowly comes to a grinding halt though. If he would rather eat pills than be with you then no he definitely is not your dream guy
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Avatar_n_tn
This man is most assuredly not a friend, lover, or soul mate. If he truly loved you, he'd have your best interests at heart. This is especially bad on several different levels---he knows your past and how hard-won your clean time is, and is willing to jeopardize your health, future, and even your life to dabble in poison, and even encourages you to join him. And then there's the little one. His dad is selfish beyond reason taking illegal drugs, which could lead to jail time, foster care, or even death if his son takes one of those pills wanting to be just like his daddy.
You need to get out of there fast. If it were me, I'd write him a very thoughtful letter outlining all the reasons you cannot see him anymore. But whatever you decide to do, please start back with daily self-help/12-step meetings and get yourself back on course. Please keep us posted on how it's going. I'll be looking for you on the forum!
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Avatar_m_tn
HI I hate to be the one to say it but your relationship is toxic to both of you........your worked hard for 6 yrs dont throw it away in a couple of weeks let me ask you this knowing he was an oxy addict would you have ever dated him????
you need to cange all persons places and things that remind you  of using and that includes him this is not a game he is not the one that needs to change you do he has a lot to gain from this relationship especially if he can get you hooked on the oxy again time to open your eyes girl he is getting a g/f a momie and someone to party with for your own sake you need to end this relationship ask your sponsor good luck and God bless......Gnarly  
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1979360_tn?1328147465
i know what it's like to be with someone you feel is your soulmate. the only problem is, is that this soulmate ends up bringing you down. and whether you want to admit or not right now, he's bringing you down by doling out these pills to you as some sort of recreational sex assistant, cleaning assistant amongst many other things. you're going to do what you wish to do, but if you're truly looking for our honest opinion, i'll give you mine.

first of all, relapsing happens. there's no sense in beating yourself up over it unless you truly feel this is what's going to continue to happen until you and him "grow out of it" when you get older. time is wasting right now. and you're wasting it on the drugs. but sooner or later, you're going to figure that out for yourself. i mean, think of it this way:  what happens when the little four year old stumbles across the pills after you or him have taken one too many, or have run off to escape to the bedroom for another round of your great sex-capades? it can happen. i hate it when people tell me that'll never happen. it just happened in my condo complex a few rows down. mom and dad went outside to smoke and the kid got into dad's office in the condo and what was on the floor underneath the computer desk? oh, just a little pill. not only will you all lose the child - but there will be questions being asked.

as much as i may sound harsh right now, i am one of the nicest people you'll ever meet. no really, i will talk your head off if you allow for me to. so just know that i am always here if you need someone to talk to. honestly.

how does he get so many pills?
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Avatar_f_tn
Hi i just read your story and sighed. I am 68 days clean from oxies. I was at a intake of 120mgs of oxycontin . And snorting roxies like scar face in the end. I started out over eight years ago when my husband was in a wreck. He saved me a couple of the pills they gave him. He said it would help.take the edge off my anxiety. Fast forward to now. I've went thru h311 and back to get.off the oxies. Sent myself to rehab. Sent my husband too. Well i went to work today for the first time in awhile and came home.to find him high. And he's only been home three days. What a let down.

You have six years clean. And can jump back on the wagon again. You know what these devil candy is capable doing to your life. You have first hand knowledge of addiction. And how to get.clean and.stay clean.

I can't tell you what to do. But i do believe this is a bad situation waiting to suck you in and explode into a very bad situation. It could destroy you. What if you get sucked in so.deep you never stop using and o.d.? What if all the money runs out or you turn to harder drugs like heroin? The bigger the bank account the bigger the addiction grows. But you know this.

You came here for a reason. Maybe you needed to be reminded where this can and will.go. I believe people don't find this place by chance.

You've got.some.hard decisions to make. None are fun. One will.save your life. Have you talked to him about all of.this? Have you asked him.to.go to a.meeting with you to support you?

Just wanted to reach out and let you know your not alone. Hugs....your friend bama
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Avatar_m_tn
Well, this might not be the "right" idea but while everyone is telling you to bail out, I'm thinking you might have a chance to do some real good for two people, you and him. He's obviously an addict and it appears that he's trying to juggle two loves, you and the pills. Think back to the the depths of your addiction, what would you have done if the roles were reversed?

This is coming from a mans perspective but if he claims that it's no big deal, challenge him. Most men can't resist a good bet. Make a date for a no pills weekend or something where you can both monitor the other. He'll find out just how badly he's hooked and you can use that as a springboard to get him (and you) on a clean up program. Two people going through it together have a decent chance of pulling it off and in the end it'll strengthen your bond if successful.

No idea if it'll work or not but instead of throwing away everything that you've dreamed of it might be worth a shot. Good luck!
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