Relapse

[Dane74]

i cannot even begin to tell you how bad i messed up!  I am so ashamed, embarrassed and just so mad that words cant even express how awful i feel for what i have done.  To all those that helped me, i am so sorry i just threw it all away:(  For all those that claimed i helped them, please don't look at me now, im such a loser and a failure.  70 days down the drain.  We go to my in laws house and i went in her medicine cabinet (knowing they were there) and took the darn pills.  I obviously took to many since i have been sick ever since and i puked, that's good, i got what i deserved, no high and just nauseas and sleepy.  Why,i ask myself?  I am so sorry for disappointing you all and most importantly myself.  I am speechless:(

[ImDONENoMore]

great post jimmy1975.

And dane?  You're such a cool woman. Seriously.

[snakejones]

Congratulations! You are doing very nicely after your slipup. I am so inpressed with you and how you've handled things. Maybe it's time now for a new thread for you......relapse is in your past now. Have a great evening!

[Jimmy1975]

Hi Dane , Never and I mean NEVER feel guilty about a relapse . I think everyone of us with any time at all in MedHelp have relapsed . That's why we are all here to support one another in good times and bad ! We see members we know disappear for months at a time and we know what's happened ! There are five members right now that I am worried about and pray that they will return to our family. I left for about six months and I was warmly welcomed back and helped as tho it was my first day seeking advice . That's what I love about our community . No one ever judges . Took me three times to get off of pills and I am not so arrogant to think that I could not slip up trust me . So you caught it and nipped it in the bud and good for you !  We are here for you as always !  Peace Jimmy

[Dane74]

Hi all, OK, so i picked myself up after my mishap and now back on day 4.  I am doing this thanks to y'all! I went to a new addiction therapist and it was amazing, i didn't want my hour to end:)  I cannot begin to explain the importance of aftercare, i need it, we all need it, if we want success.  I have learned so much from my relapse/mishap whatever you want to call it, and most importantly, i learned that i was indeed an addict, i didn't want to believe it or i just didn't think it could happen to me.   So i had my wake up call, learned my lesson and moving on. Yes, i still feel like i have failed and it stinks, but the only way i learn is from my mistakes.  A good friend told me "Knowledge is power"  How true it is:)  

[congapas]

Hey kid,
Don't beat your self up to bad we are all "Human" It's a "Trail" in life. Just hang in there & learn from it and what you have learned do it for your self after all you have to live with your self.. Don't try to impress anyone else or don't try to tell them what they want to hear. That could come back 10 times as bad.. So like I said hang in there & as long as your breathing all is not lost..I personaly have 7 years clean off of "Meth"...
                                                                                          You Take Care..Congapas

[Dane74]

Hey all, thanks for all your kind words and for sharing all your mishaps with me, it sure does help to know we are not alone in this.  I am doing better now, thanks to y'all and trying to get past all the emotions but im back on track and ready to go!  Tracker has been reset and im off to the finish line:)

[mookie377]

Hi Dane: Addiction is probably one of the only diseases that tells us,We are not Sick!! Dane brother the worse case is when we-all get a little sobriety under our belts.I have had up to 18months clean,and then Im feeling great,and the next thing im having a casual-drink then,the flood gates open and im on Oxycontin and cocaine.I know you feel like poop,but brother the only thing to do is what you did,be honest and make today a clean and sober day. all the best john

[limodan73]

Hi, just wanted to chime in and say that what you did was yes, dum, but hun you have to understand that is a fight you will have for the rest of your life. A dum stumble DOES NOT MAKE YOU A FAILURE!!! It makes you human. I absolutely can speak for those of us who have been there. WE ALL stumble sometimes. Don"t be so hard on yourself. Be proud of the 70 days, and honestly, I chalk it up to circumstance. Its hard for us not do dum stuff. Most of us won't even consider that a relapse. Just a slip. Keep your head up dear. We are all here with you. Cheering, praying, and feeling with you. Keep posting. And again, don't be so darn hard on yourself.   :)

[Dane74]

hey all, Ok i am trying my hardest here to not be so mad at myself and pick up where i left off, and i have y'all to thank for that!  I called this AM and i spoke with the addiction specialist and we connected instantly it was amazing, i go Friday for my first visit with her.  I told her my story and all about medhelp and she squeezed me in and calls me vulnerable at this time in my life.  So true indeed!  To all that are reading this stay true to your sobriety, because this is so hard to take knowing what i did and the failure that i feel in myself.  Not sure if it was the relapse or what, but my urge to use is through the roof and i probably triggered it myself by my mishap.  So PLEASE stay clean, because this is beating me up inside.  

[dominosarah]

Come back here and talk to us.........

[Dane74]

Vicki,   You said, " The whole thing was just not resolved with you...you weren't an addict yet; not until you said it to yourself! "  Wow, so true indeed!!  What a wake up call i received, i hope and pray i learned from this just like you and tramahater.  Thank you for sharing your story's with me, it does help allot to know i wasn't the only one. I am trying my hardest here to start fresh, thank God no WD's but to be honest the mental part of what i did to myself here is worse than the physical Wd i experienced.  So thank you all for all your words of wisdom and guidance, i thank God for leading me to y'all, there's no telling what mind set i would be in if it weren't for y'all, so thank you all dearly for all your help and again im sorry for the let down to all those who guided me through 70 days of sobriety, i will get back there in 69 more days and thats a promise.   Blessings to all, and to all a goodnight

[LeaAnn807]

Dane, hey, whoa!  You're not a loser.  I wish I could tell you, but I can't remember, how many medicine cabinets I looked in and took from when I was using.  Too many to count.  I have to tell you that that was one of the things I felt most guilty over of all the stupid **** (yes I know that got blocked!) I did.  It's amazing to me now that I can go in someone's house and NOT do it.  But.....I don't.  For a long time I didn't go to anyone's house but mom and dad's.  And they have ZERO pills unless you want a heart or cholesterol pill or an estorgen gel?????  Anyhoooo.......I gradually, over a year, trusted myself to go back to visit friends, but to this day, I would rather them come here to see me instead!  What I'm saying is...there is always that fear with me.  My best friend had a c section 5 weeks ago, and I didn't go to her house until my hubby could go!  Did I think I'd take them?  NO....but didn't wanna have the option.  It's just protection for me.  Once she threw them away, I went over there.  Just not at first!

I told you all that so you won't feel alone!  It happens!  Pick yourself up and move on! OK?

[gnarly_1]

HI Dane so sorry to here about your relapse but thats how they go down you get to stinking thinking and an addict can reason themselfs into anything you where sunk the minute you started thinking about that medicine Cabinet....now what to do what to do.....first off quit beating yourseolf up addiction is cunning baffiling and powerful it will bring you down any chance it can in one moment of weakness your using so learn from it you cant undo what you did but you also gained important knowledge of just how ez it is to slip up so time to look ahead you have a bright future pick yourself up dust yourself off chin pu and move forward
YOU CAN DO THIS you have proved that this is a bump in a very bumpy road so you got knocked in a ditch this time dont let it destrroy you in your mind this is truly a battle one or lost in onles own mind so time for a new mind set you feel like most do when this happens the sooner you let go the better will get you past this set your tracker back to day 1 and lets move on to round 2 again you can still do this good luck and God bless you will be in my prayers tonight......Gnarly  

[ImDONENoMore]

dane I just sent you a message.  :)

[Dane74]

I cant even begin to tell y'all the pain i put myself in over this.  I feel like such a failure and scared to death over this.  I had a wake up call that i am an addict now, i guess i never believed it, until that force came over me and i took those demons. i am struggling to get past this and i want to pull up my big girl panties but all i can seem to do is cry over this..UGG what a set back i caused, i feel like im back in the early stages of detox with the emotions.  it really scares me to think that this is a forever battle, i know i have to live for today, but the future does not not seem to bright:(  I am sorry for the let down and for being such a downer, but it is what it is......

[tavia14]

Right here with you!! Battled the whole vacation until the last few days then CAVED!! Ugh!!! Felt HORRIBLE!! I hate this!'n

[dominosarah]

Yes this a lifetime battle but all we have is today.  I would find a different therapist, one that you can connect with.  I am as stubborn as they come but i had to ask for help.  This is a "we" thing, not an "i" thing.  Yes it does get easier, the more you work it the better it gets.  You always have to keep your guard up but we learn the tools we need to get thru the tough times.

[Dane74]

oh the famous question, What are you going to do differently? Well, for starters i had such a wake up call and now finally believe i am an addict, that's a hard one to absorb.  Im stubborn!  I was struggling with the cravings for sometime now and the only reason i can think of is because i miss the high.  My life is going good marriage kids it's all good and for me to be such an idiot baffles me.  I am not kidding when i say i felt a powerful force call me crazy but thats what happened, i didnt even think about, i ran to the medicine cabinet without a thought of consequences, i know dumb!!! I am still baffled as to how and why this happened.  So the question, i dont freakin know!! Any suggestions?  I was seeing an addiction guy but there was no connection didnt like him, so i will today start my search on finding a new person.  Not easy to find because most are sub docs and they love to push that on ya, so its hard to find someone thats a doc and not a social worker.  But thats my only answer for now, i am open.  Cant do the NA route, my town is too small and i am bound to run into someone, so i need to keep this private.  You say dont worry about the rest of your life, but i am finding out that this a a lifetime battle and to be honest thats scary!!!!  Does it ever get easy? Does it ever go away?  Can I ever be normal again?  The answers to those questions frighten me.

[dominosarah]

You dont worry about the rest of your life, you take care of today as that is all we have.  You are not weak, you are an addict.  Now what are you going to do differently?

[Dane74]

Hey guys, it's me the screw up!  Where did i go wrong, i dont know?  All i can say was WOW, Sara you are not kidding when you tell all to "keep your guard up"!!!!  It came at me like some powerful force and i had no control and it all happened so fast, no there was no alcohol involved in fact it was right in the middle of the day.  We went for a visit to the in laws and BAM, a trigger went off to go hit the medicine cabinet and BAM took 3 vicodens, i waited 30 minutes and went back for 1 more, pathetic i know:(  So, i got what i deserved, i was sick all dam day and lied again to my family and said i have a stomach virus.  I am so glad i did not get any enjoyment out of this and hopefully this will remind me next time if and when i get a weak moment.  I cant begin to tell you why this happened because i dont have a clue.  I am just weak thats all i can think of.  I am now realizing that i am the true meaning of an addict and to be honest here folks that does scare the crap out of me.  I hate to admit it, i hate to believe it, and i hate that i allowed this to happen to me.  So now for the rest of my life i have to deal with this, and i think thats the hardest part to overcome that this is not temporary and that its lifelong. Gnarly always said how dangerous a relapse can be because we think we can go back to our old dosage and after some clean time we cant and i guess i was trying to chase the feeling agin and all it did was make me sick, thank God i didnt OD!  So i had my wake up call yesterday, and im back to square one, day 1!!!  Thank you all for your encouraging words.

[tomskat]

Hi there just read your post and it reminds me of the times I relapsed....notice I said yomes not time. Because it happens to the best of us,not matter if you're at 70 days or 300 (like me) it happens. Just pick yourself back up;stop beating yourse4lf up. You made it 70 days before...you CAN do this again. Sometimes we just have moments of weakness for whatever reason-we're addicts. Stay strong,start over, and keep your guard up.You CAN do this...~Anne

[laurel453]

why ? because we are addicts....  you are NOT a loser nor have dissapointed anyone here.... chin up and keep working and making changes and focusing on your goal.... Think what triggered this slip ... i am with vicki here, sometimes reading a story about others may trigger something inside us, the problem is not that the others can not talk about their story, the problem is that we need working on our way of thinking, we need learning a lot about us and addiction..... but keep walking and don't feel bad, please... this is a long race.

[mellie4]

Don't get so down on yourself.  It's more of a slip than a relapse.  You took them, you got sick, it's done.  Now just do whatever you have to do to make sure it doesn't happen again.  Sobriety is not always easy.  It's terrific that you immediately posted here.  It shows you're really committed to staying clean.  I'm sorry that you had a slip.  I'm sure you feel terrible about it.  But don't let that feeling keep you from feeling good about the 70 days you had clean.  You'll get that and more again!!!  Do what you have to do to get your head where it's supposed to be!  And you are helping people by posting this and showing them just how easy it is to slip.