Relapsed

[Overwhelmed10]

Its with a heavy heart and great shame that I write this.  Yesterday a whirlwind of events led me to take a percocet, and I'm back where I began.  I fear I may just not be strong enough to do this.  I feel so awful, all the wonderful people on here helping me, encouraging me, giving me advice and support-all for me to go and mess it all up.  I did realize yesterday having my husband home during such a rough day did not help.  Not going to blame him-I FULLY BLAME ME for my decisions to put that pill in my mouth.  I was telling him over and over how I had the "flu", didn't feel well, and yesterday I really felt like crap.  Yet he could not help me with my daughter because the super bowl and its 24 hour build up programming (eye roll) was more important.  I am the only one that changes diapers, am trying to potty train her(unsuccessfully :( )  I am the only one that does any sort of housework whatsoever.  I am the one that cares for our 3 rescue dogs and cat, that we have had long before my daughter arrived.  He is a slob and I am a bit OCD, so thats always been an issue.  The house right now looks like a tornado hit.  I know I need to let that sh## go, but I have a very hard time having a messy home, as ridiculous as it sounds, I cannot function like that.  I had to bathe my sweet baby-he has never bathed her once her entire life.  I was looking for marker tops she had thrown somewhere-yes the idiot gave her markers!!! And God forbid I got in the way of the TV and was  asking too many questions about where she put the marker tops and he snaps at me big time.  So I have tears in my eyes, but I'm stil not giving in at this point.  I got the bedroom and start reading my Deepak Chopra book that I've found comforting( in tryingh to deal with my father's situation), and phone rings, its my mom.  She had went to see my Dad, (they have been divorced for 32 years but are still "family.")  He can barely see now.  He just got over a bug that almost killed him, he was given 2-3 months to live (bone cancer) and now he is losing his vision!  Can this man get a break?  This sweet sweet simple country man, full of love, can he get a damn break? ??  Last time I was up I had taken him to get a new hearing aid and new glasses.  They said he had growths (thats not the word----I cant think of the word now darnit) but he had something growing behind his eyes.  But because of his terminal condition, his oncologist said theres nothing to be done.  Ya know when you are terminal it seems you are "done" and nobody in the medical field gives a freaking crap about you.  So I get off phone and I bawl, hubby asks whats going on and I tell him and his response, "Theres no reason something should be wrong with his eyes."  Ummm ok idiot, thanks for ....that.  Then my sister had apparently gotten same news and she starts texting about how Dad will need to go into a nursing home-the ONE thing my father has always begged us not to do.  I'm not doing that!  I said no he can come stay with me and we will get him a hospice nurse set up here.  I will care for him.  It would be great if my sister, who is older than me, has grown children out of the house, owns a LARGE home, does not work, husband is out of town working for weeks at a time, makes great $-would be great if she offered to take him in.  But hell no-thats too much to ask.  So I will-in our tiny 3 bedroom ranch, one bathroom, on a tight budget.  But I will do it.  Then questions "what are you doing about this, have you called hospice about that?  More questions about Dad's money-because I'm sure she will show up for that in the end!  I'm just appalled with her. I'm so hurt for my Dad and she doesn't give a crap, unless it has to do with his money nor property.  I have done ALL the footwork, getting his hospice set up, dr appointments, having him sign power of attorneys and ask about wills-things I DID NOT want to do and that were very UNPLEASANT for me to do, but I was only one doing it.  Then I have no support at home.  The pressure has been enormous..I see my husband for who he really is, and I REMEMBER this was who he always was.  My drugged up mind lied to me and helped me deal with him and I actually thought things were in a better place!  Isn't that crazy?  No girl-you were just HIGH!!!  He's still an a**!  So somewhere throughout this I took a pill.  And the odd thing?  It gave me a damn headache!  A very dull headache at base of my neck.  Then about an hour after, I got SEVERE anxiety.  I hid in the bathroom and cried and cried.  I felt like I needed to get medical care, I have never felt so anxious ever.  I feel like the percocet had a very strange negative affect on me.  So I take a klonnoppin, which I dont care for, IDK why, they just dont make me feel better.  I have them prescribed since I had bad depression and anxiety after my daughter was born, but I only take them now when I absolutely need them.  After I took one I waited, and it did help a bit, but not enough.  SO I took another.  And you would think my tolerance would be low as I'm not a regular user of those.  But 2 did bring me to a calm.  I took my daughter into the bed and we read books and stories and let my husband have the living room to himself.  Her and I fell asleep and he must have came in and saw and ended up sleeping on sofa,  which was fine with me.  My little sweet angel wrapped her arms around my head and said "I love you Mommy", something she rarely rarely says.  And it felt so good.  If it were not for her, I would not survive any of this.  I'm obviously not doing a good job, but sometimes I wonder if I could keep it together AT ALL if it weren't for being her mommy.  I know I have to be here for her.  She is my everything.  Other than that my life is full of pain, a disrespectful husband, watching my father die and suffer.  My mother whom I love and I know loves me-a great person-but she herself is married to an alcoholic, so its hard for me to stay with her for long lengths of time.  I can only handle being there so long..I am coming to realize any friends I had in this state are not "real" friends.  If I'm not out drinking and partying, then I don't hear from them.  Honestly I'd rather not at this point.  Still lonely feeling though.
Long post.  Sorry I am feeling sorry for myself.  Im a big huge failure.  I'm attempting to start over today, but I'm finding it hard to recover like this and take care of me when I can't get any help from my significant other.  Im so tired of living this lie-this big fat farce.  On outside we look like we are such a great couple-everything is just fab.  What a lie.  If everyone knew the truth.  I don't even feel like I deserve to be on this forum anymore with these strong people that have overcome, are overcoming.  And here I am.  What a freaking loser.  I'm sorry I wasted your time.  Especially some of you that just encouraged me so every day.  To let you all down....I almost decided to just not log on here again. But I needed to get the truth out.  I'm so sorry.  Except for my child I'm not seeing anything beautiful in this world anymore.  Its all just pain and more pain.  

My Dad just called me.  I'm bawling.  He sounds so weak.  I need to get up there this week.  I cannot sop crying.  I dont want to lose him.  Why is everything like this?  Why!!

[Pat1956100]

Haha, I thought you could use a laugh.  I have been wanting to vent about that NO NO commercial for ages and you just gave me the opportunity to.  Thanks
xo

[Overwhelmed10]

LOL!!  Those commercials ARE annoying!!!  You ladies have turned my frown upside down!!  LOL!  Thanks for all the support and the reminder of why I loved this place so much!  I've literally gone from tears to laughs!!  :D

[clean_in_ks]

Hey girl.....you are "right on the money" about venting.  It's even suggested  by professionals that attempt to teach us what to do w/all the
episodes of PAWS.  There are actually 3 articles in our health pages here on MedHelp that discuss/educate us about PAWS, but in one I read last week when I was majorly "overreacting" AGAIN (lol) it talks about how to
"stabilize our episodes" and here are 5 steps they suggest:  Talk.....Ventilate......Get a reality check......Set a goal.....Think back.

I am having major troubles in quite a few areas right now that I REALLY don't like about myself.....ways I simply didn't USE to be.....needed some help and understanding of them so I don't beat myself up so bad.  I feel completely ignorant sometimes.....and my brain can't rationally go from point A to point B much less make it to point D!!! lol  So, I'm learning what is going on inside of me....what is healing..... and also helping my poor hubby understand that maybe this kooky behavior won't last for frickin ever!! ya know?  So....venting is GOOD stuff for us.  Keep it blowin.....it's a release valve......

[YesLife4Me]

I HATE that commercial!!    You know what other one drives me crazy too is that one with Eddy Money singing like an idiot about 2 tickets to paradise to that family of 4 at a travel agency.   It grates on my nerves.   LOL!  

And Overwhelmed, it IS a woman thing to talk things out.   It's like a spiritual cleansing.  

[Pat1956100]

I would like to vent about that damn NO No commercial driving me crazy.  There is something wrong with seeing women shaving their faces.
lol.

[Overwhelmed10]

I agree totally!

[Overwhelmed10]

Thanks ladies...I know females are wired differently and not always straight to the punch as men can be...I'm very sensitive today so I probably took that wrong....I never wanted to sound like "poor me" blah blah-because I KNOW so many have it way worse than me...reading on here has been tremendously therapeutic, and although I've not been on here long and can't offer up as much advice as others who have gone through and won their battle...it makes me feel good to offer words of encouragement to people starting out...I know life will always always always through crap at ya, and there will always be an excuse to use-but venting and getting things out and telling people on here whats going on me is so much better for me than keeping it in... ;)

[YesLife4Me]

Even though all our stories have a common theme, everyone's journey is interesting to me.  And it helps us bond and understand each other better.   We may have all taken different paths to get here, but the stories behind them helps us all.   :))  

[toothfairie]

I like to read other people's stories as well...it helps us to know more about how we can help each other....so keep posting as much as you need to!  in the beginning i was posting all the time, or just reading and trying to get help....hang in there.  You are always stronger than you think.  

[Pat1956100]

I find it very therapeutic to post on here so don't worry about it at all.
I have told more secrets and things about myself on this forum than I have anywhere else.  
I love learning about people and reading "their stories".

Hope you are doing well.

[Overwhelmed10]

So sorry to hear about your father Bryan.  Congrats on your sobriety.  Thats truly amazing!!

I do agree with everything Kyle had said absolutely EXCEPT my post wasn't meant to justify my relapse, I believe this is a good place to get things out that are going on with me.  I am a female, lol, and if I didn't go into what was going on in my life I guess from day one all i would have said was "Hi i'm addicted to percocet and want adcice on how to stop."  Nothing more had to be said really, right?  Perhaps that was all I needed to say if my overly-long post was looked at as my making excuses.  I have no excuse except I used.  Period.  Although I seem to have read a lot of people's stories about how /why/they ended up here-or what is just going on with their life.  But apparently telling my story is "an excuse".  So apologies if my "long" post was too much.  Wouldn't be very much to read on here if we didn'tr know each other's backgrounds...

[Fireby29]

Hi Over,

I will not get into the gory details, but my father died from ALS this month and my mother in law is getting ready to have to leave assisted living and go to hospice, most likely.  I got two calls just today as I am her power of attorney for everything.  I too have a small child, and it has been very tough on him, he is/was close to both.

I only bring this up because I have gotten clean and stayed clean for the last 220+ days, during all of this turmoil and stress, only because I took Kyles advice after a relapse 220+ days ago.  I had done most of it, but had not cut ALL sources.  I had left one out, and after seeing my dying father I caved and took some hydros.  I still had access.  Now I have ZERO access and am protected.

You can do this too!  Hang in there, I know it is hard.

Bryan

[kyle505]

The only thing you failed at is giving in to your head; the mental part of getting (and staying) clean is much harder than the physical detox. I've posted this many times - life will deliver to you, wrapped and placed at your doorstep, hundreds of reasons to use every day. Your post is a perfect example of the addict's brain laying out good, solid reasons why you need meds. Never mind that hundreds of thousands of people handle similar or worse situations without turning to drugs. You are being dumped on by everyone around you so you listen to your head and use. The fact that you took so much time to explain why you relapsed is a red flag.
Another thing, you talk about your precious daughter, but you are putting her health and well-being second to your addiction. I can see what you're doing because I did the same to my children for over 15 years.
You will continue to relapse if you don't...
Cut all sources. Dealer, doc, friend, whatever. Tell them that you're quitting; if you have any pills in your house, flush them. You've already experienced it - your head is talking to you almost non-stop at this point and if there are meds around you'll eventually use.
Tell your secret. This is the hardest thing to do. Being on this forum doesn't count. You need to tell your husband, close friends; anyone you can trust because if you manage to get through detox, you'll need support to continue your recovery. This is VERY important - if you don't tell your secret you'll continue to use behind it.
Finally, get aftercare. NA meetings and the like.
You have to do the above if you truly want to live a life free of meds. Leave any one of the steps out and you will relapse.
I struggled for over 15 years; used, stopped, relapsed, etc.  It wasn't until I did what I've suggested to you that I finally stopped the madness. I'm now 13 months clean. Good luck. Just as you are responsible for putting the pills in your mouth, you are the only one who can decide if and when you will get clean.

[Overwhelmed10]

Thanks Julie.  You are absolutely right.  Somethings gotta give eventually!  My daughter and my dad are probably the main things keeping me going these days...

[Overwhelmed10]

Yes I have confided in 2 of my girl friends I have known for over 10 years.  They both live out of state though.  They really try to support me getting off of them.  I am totally honest with them about it.  I would most likely explode if I didn't have them to tell, that would leave me with no one really knowing.  I wish I could tell my mom, but she is a very highly re-active person and I'm worried if she would freak out about my abilities to care for my daughter, etc.  Although I know she loves me very much.  I so wish my husband were the kind of husband I could tell, but I don't trust him with that information right now.  Sad, I know.  Especially since it appears he is on to me a little bit.

@ Pat-yes tbh-I am a litle concerned if I told my counselor they would cut all my meds.  And I need some of them.  I'm not really sure how that works.  i also think you were right the other day about now may be a good time to go up to my dad's.  May be good to get away from my husband right now.  I think I will look into the weather for the next few days to see if the drive is safe.

@nbhope-thank you so much and wow-I cannot imagine dealing with a child battling cancer!  What strength!  Thanks for the encouraging words.

IDK why but I'm eating like an absolute pig today.  I want carbs and chocolate non-stop.  I went from feeling like I was going to puke all the time to I can't get enough food in.  Very weird.  and its not that "time" of the month even.
Hugs to you all.xo

[Pat1956100]

Hey girl
Well I can certainly understand why you are overwhelmed.  I went to grief counseling after my husband and sister died and I was higher than a kite the whole time.  The counselor was an idiot and was just concerned about getting the insurance money but I know that me being on percs didn't help at all.  Is there any way you can be honest with your counselor?  You really need someone to be honest with and why not take advantage of it.
Are you concerned that they will cut you off all meds?  I don't know if they would but if you mentioned that you were concerned and needed help, maybe they would help you with this too.
You have so much on your plate and I hate to see you doing this alone.  I can understand why you don't want your husband to know.
What do you think about being honest with your counselor?

[nbhope]

Wow, over whelming. But just take time to breathe, scream, cry, throw a fit whatever you need to. I can realte on cancer front. My daughter battled fkr two years. We still are dealing with medical issues. I never took anything during that time. But after my year of use of pills I canmot say I wouldnt just to clam down. It tough but so are you a quote taht I lived by during my daughter treament and I still love to remind myself of this is "you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have" hang in there sending prayers.

[FourJays]

You gotta hang in there - for your daughter, your Dad and mostly for yourself.  I know it is so hard to carry the burden you are right now.  You have got to tell someone what is going on,  Is there anyone you can talk to?  I know you and your husband aren't on the greatest of terms right now, but based on his remark about caring for yourself, he knows something isn't right.  What if you come clean to him?  Do you think he will be supportive?  Even if not, maybe you would feel some sort of relief from this pressure.  Something's gotta give - you need some support from the people in your life.  Please think about it . .. . and regardless of what happens you know you will always have support and friends here.
Julie

[Overwhelmed10]

Wow you all brought tears to my eyes.  Actually tears POURING down my face.  And it was a "good" cry for a change!  I never thought joining an online forum like this would have such a huge impact on my life, how I feel.  The one place I can just be ME.
Not sure where I stand now.  Just kind of "fleeting" is the only word I can think of.  Very depressed, morning is absolute worst.  And I have been and still am on celexa 40 mg.  The opiates obviously really hindered the ability of my anti-depressant to help me feel better.
Woke up nwith a sore neck and took a celebrex, but it didn't help much.  Wonder why they can't make a pain killer that is narcotic free and actually works?  Or maybe my body just wants what it wants, so its not going to respond to plain old NSAIDS.  

My appointment with my psychiatrist yesterday didn't go as well as I had hoped.  I really like my dr, but I actually felt worse when I left.  I asked him if I could take more clonnopin (knowing full well I couldn't), and I'm not going to lie-I was thinking maybe if he prescribed me some xanax, that would help with my coming off percocet.  (Addict thinking-I see that now.)  He said absolutely no more meds than I'm already prescribed.  Then he said "I hope you aren't self medicating?"  That surprised me.  IDK if he can tell I was-I do know last time I went in was about 3 weeks ago and I had started my monthly about an hour before my appointment, and I had awful cramps.  Doubled over.  So ofcourse I take a percocet, wait, and felt zero relief.  So I pop another one.  Still nothing.  Go to my appt., well 20 mins or so in I FELT it alright.  And I was like "oh crap!"  Found myself talking very fast, unable to find simple words I wanted to use (embarassing!!)  Just a dummy...ofcourse I thought he had no idea whatsoever! lol.  But now I'm thinking maybe he DOES have an idea.  IDK. Then we just got into the stages of death, what I need to be considering, my daughter can't be witnessing my dad dying all day long, etc., etc.  Everything I absolutely do need to be thinking about, but I really didn't want to go over the specifics of DNR again, once was enough for me when hospice went through that with me.  I felt like I just wanted to get out of there, and my mind just started to shut off.  It was a very negative visit.  Not that it was his fault, I just left feeling hopeless-about everything.  We talked about my husband, my mom.  He pointed out they were no help, etc etc.  Its not like there wasn't truth to what he said.  I just left feeling worse, and that could be entirely my own fault and the fact that I have other issues, my addiction, that he doesn't know I am fighting.  And I def didn't feel like I could tell him yesterday.
As far as the husband-he has to be in my peripheal (sp?) vision right now.  I can't be having blow ups with him, on top of what I have on my plate.  We did have a blow up 2 nights ago, I didn't walk away when I usually would have.  It came on when we discusssing bringing my father here, and he was suggesting hiring a private nurse for him so he can stay in his own home, and I say great idea, but "hello" we aren't made of money, I'm not sure if we could afford, etc.  And he took my questioning wrong and we started yelling, and he says, "How in the he** are you going to take care of your dad when you can't even take care of yourself!"  That STUNG.  A LOT.  I ran and had my boo hoo in the bathroom, got myself together and gave my daughter a bath.  We have barely spoken since.  I was so disgusted by his cruel remark, but you know what-maybe there's a partial truth to it.  I'm a struggling addict.  Maybe he knows more than I think.  Either way, whatever happens, I will be there for my Dad.  Period.  He will see.  I may not do the best at times, in fact I KNOW I won't.  All I can do is offer wht I have to give.  
Thanks for so much encouragement.  I really look forward to logging into this board every day.  I'd feel so much more alone if I didn't have this wonderful place.  xo

[Pat1956100]

Just checking in and hoping you are okay.  I know you can't tell your husband right now so do what you have to do.  You do need some support and hopefully your psychiatrist will help.
Maybe going to your dad's will be the answer as sad as it will be.  Being away from your husband may be a good thing.
Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.  We really care.
Hugs
Pat

[atthebeach]

hi sweetie, I am so sorry about your dad. I lost my dad 5 years ago and I miss him each day. I spent as much time as I could with him. he had a massive stroke, had a brain bled and only survived for 5 more days.
please don't numb yourself with pills at this time, you will want to remember as many memories as you can.
I am the wife of a recovering addict and the mother of 2 recovering addicts.
we know when "something isn't right", you cant hide your addiction as well as you think. I totally supported their recovery and still do.
your secrets will only keep you sick. you need support from your family.
you wont feel so alone once someone besides us knows.
please try to relax, take some deep breathes, push yourself to get some things done. you will be glad you did.
sending prayers and encouragement,
debbie

[FourJays]

I agree with Weaver, you may really benefit from telling someone about your addiction at this point.  You have such a heavy burden right now, it could really help to ease a little bit of your stress.  You may be surprised at the reaction(s) you get.  I held off for quite awhile in telling my loved ones and when I finally did it was such a relief.  I came clean to my husband first.  I think he knew (well I know he knew I was taking pills because I've had back problems and neck surgery a few months ago).  But I know he had no idea how much I was taking, how long I had been using and that I was addicted.  I think he knew in his heart that something had been off - I just don't think he really wanted to admit it even to himself. Soon after I told my daughters (19 and 22), as well, and eventually my mom and my sisters.  I found some information on addiction and withdrawal, etc., and printed it out for my husband and daughters to read.  I know it made a difference and helped them to understand more what I am going through and explained some of my behavior (sickness when I was going through w/d, moodiness, etc).  I know it is scary to think of telling anyone.  Hopefully you will get support and this will help to lift some of the awful burden you are carrying right now.  Don't feel ashamed - you are such a good person and taking on more than any human being should; you need some relief.

Your Dad is so lucky to have you, as are you to have him in your life.  It is all the more motivation to keep yourself clean and able to appreciate every moment you have with him.  The physical w/d symptoms WILL get better and thus all of this will be a little easier on you in that respect.  I lost my Dad 4 years ago to cancer.  My heart hurts for you because I know exactly what you are going through right now (as I sit here struggling to see my screen through tears).  You don't want to have any regrets.  Give yourself a break - ease as much of your burden with your husband, sister, and family however you can for now; if it means coming clean to them or not; whatever you need to do so you can focus on getting your Dad situated and caring for your daughter.  My thoughts and prayers are with you . . .

[greatescape13]

Oh wow...that is so much!  First off many people (myself included) have relapsed over a fleeting craving, not everything you have going on.  I am so sorry to hear about your dad..its one of the hardest things for a child to go through.  

So many of the emotions you are feeling are a part of early detox and PAWS AND are normal emotions to feel when you have a sick parent and are being overworked at home.  Having an unsuppotive spouse just complies the issue.  

I think you need to get into a dr that specializes in addiction.  You sound very vunerable to a relapse bigger than one pill and I know that isnt what you want.  Sometimes I feel like its having a split brain/personality.  There is the real you that wants a happy, peaceful sober life.  The real you that made the decision to get clean and reach out fo help on this forum.  Then there is the addicted brain that whispers "its too much, you can handle it"  those thoughts are coming from a sick place.  

So much of our addictions come from  a place of feeling low worth or value.  I dont know your dad, but we know what it is like to be parents, and I promise you the same way you looked at your daughter the day she was born and felt how special and beautiful and worthy of everything good in this world, its how he looked at you.  And you, your daughter, me and everyone else here..what had we done so special at one minute old?  Nothing.  We were born and that is all it takes.  What we do with our lives never effects our value in this world.  No amount of pills or fights with family or whatever makes you any less worthy of love, support and peace.

The cliche saying is "what doesnt kill you makes you stronger".  But there is much truth in it.  Pain is where we grow.  Contentment doesnt motivate change and growth.  Its when things are so ****** and we make it through that we learn about ourselves.

You will never quit with a bottle of pills in your drawer.  That is the truth and you know it.  You also cant continue to do this alone.  Find a counselor, a meeting, a friend, stay here on the forum.  There is a tried and true recepie for success..I know bc I have tried every other way!  Sending you a hug and the hope that tomorrow is better.

[weaver71]

Wow, you have a lot to deal with alone, I'm sorry you are going through all this. I think telling some or perhaps all of your family, if possible, is a good idea. I tried so many times to do it on my own. I was terrified to tell my wife, I thought, what if she leaves me, what if she never forgives me, what if it changes things? Then I turned it around, what if I don't ever quit, what if I die, what if I lose my mind from taking these pills too long? Most addicts are strong and loving people, so strong and loving in fact, they take on the world and end up escaping with drugs. My kids are 9 and 10, I was totally honest with them, my wife, friends, my co-workers, everyone. A huge burden was lifted instantly and I was surprised how much support I had in detox. I know that doesn't work for everyone, but I was very close to death. I had nothing to lose but my loneliness. A lot of people said, "OOOHHHH, now it all makes sense, I knew something was up with you." I was surprised at the support, I had been too ashamed to be honest. That was what needed to give for me.

I wish I knew what to say about your dad. I can say that you are lucky to have a parent so worthy of your love, I'm always envious of people with nice families. My grandmother was the only positive influence in my childhood and she died when I was 20, she raised me a lot of the time, if anyone was taking care of me. I was globe trotting and got back from Belize and she was gone, I had bought an Andean flute and learned a song to play for her. You're lucky to be getting clean and can be there with him, I have tears in my eyes as I write. Cherish this time, this is your chance. What better motivation is there to be the best you right now. Let him know he has a loving daughter, mother, sister, and friend. Make him proud, that is what every good man dreams of.