Relationship issues after quitting...

Any help with this will be much appreciated.  My boyfriend (actually fiancee of 3 years) and I have been together for 4 1/2 years...most of which were spent using OCs together.  I honestly don't know if we would have lasted this long had we not been using together.  I had never done or even seen an OC until he brought one in my house a few months after we started dating.  Needless to say we used them until I put the ultimatum on the table @6 months ago...either quit doing them or I am outta here.  Well, I caught him lying about using 3 times but the third time was at least 3 or 4 months ago.  He still takes a small dose of methadone but I am not sure exactly how much and how often.  My problem is that I don't know if I am really in love with him.  I was so used to doing drugs with him that our relationship now *****.  I also hate the fact that he downplays the severity of our addictions!  He won't talk about any of it and when I want to talk about it he gets all weird acting.,  It really scares me to think that he will never completely stop.  It also scares me to think about when he does quit (if he does) because I have gone to hell and back and am still dealing with so much that was numbed while we were using-- I can't imagine what he will have to go through. I don't like some of the characteristics he has...he is very unambitious and that is the hardest one to handle!  These issues have started affecting everything.  I can't even have sex without thinking about all of this.  I know that is not good but I don't know what to do.  I am starting a new job on Wednesday and I am trying to take this one day at a time but its overwhelming and it may be contributing to my depression.  I am so very confused and torn and I not only have to think about myself but also my 6 year old daughter's feelings too!  

[KarinaTim]

i Can relate, my bf and i started using together and it changed verything. We would argue over nonsence and break up all the time .. and its hard getting clean together, because you want sobriety so bad for yourself and him that it puts duoble the pressure on you. you need to sit him down nd open up to him ...deep inside he knows he feels like **** and wants to break down and relate to you, he's just in denial and afraid. But its possible my bf and i are going through it together, but i you guys feel its best tob apart , then do it...put urself first. good luck

[kmb22]

i feel like you described my relationship with my ex to a tee (we broke up finally about a week ago)  granted, i have no kids to think about and we were only together about a year (my ex and i).  i met him through pills, it was love at first sight, everything was amazing until i decided to quit 37 days ago.  

i had to be alone for about a week, cause i was so sick, i had no one to talk to and he HATED discussing how i was feeling and what i was going through which made me so angry because i was trying to better myself.  to top things off my pill dealing roomate went out of town and after i told him i was not selling pills for him he hid them in my room against my consent.  my ex found this out and begged me to find out where.  i couldnt believe he would put me in such a position after i was only clean for 5 days. ...  we worked through that but then things started to fade out.

i started seeing him for who he really was and realized i was not in love with him at all.  it was what i like to call "pill love".  there was actually nothing i really liked about him.  he began to increasingly annoy me and i found myself making excuse after excuse to not be able to see him at night.

and sex, ha, i couldn't do it because i knew he was on those damn pills and i felt dirty if i had sex with him.  so ya, we ended up breaking up, and i am not even sad, not at all.  

i am relieved, that's the only feeling i have felt about the whole thing, relief.

your situation is a little different but i think you have your answers, they are in your guy instincts...you can only lie to yourself for so long and then you become totally miserable.

i was miserable for the last 2 weeks before my ex and i broke up, not even about so much that i knew our relationship was on it's way out but because i was fooling myself in to staying with him, thinking i just couldn't be alone, thinking if i lost him it would be like i have lost everything.  but it's not and being alone is wonderful.  it gives me more time to focus on myself.

if your significant other can not provide some sort of support and you feel you cannot talk to him then what is really the point of being with him?  you have to ask yourself that.  relationships and marriage have to be based on honesty and communication or you are setting yourself up for a life of disaster, even if pills were not involved, those two things are so important.  without them, we all know what happens.  and with the pills being involved, makes everything more difficult, i know believe me.

my advice:   you already have your answer, it's buried inside of you.  look out for #1 yourself and your daughter.  

[ThisIsIt983]

Congrats on quitting the oxys! It is especially hard if someone you live with does them. You need to think about you & your daughter. Those characteristics that you don't like will not go away. We can't change anyone but ourselves.

You are young. I hate to say this but I wouldn't put up with an unambitious man. I am not like that & it doesn't sound like you are so why should you put up with it.  If you are thinking about all his bad traits even while having sex, dump him. Now. Before you find yourself pregnant & trapped like I did. That may sound harsh & I am sorry if it does.

Also a relationship built on drugs is like a house built on sand. No foundation. You need to have a foundation to build on. If you don't it will collapse. Building a relationship is hard work. If he hasn't quit using he will eventually bring you down with him. My husband & I NEVER lie to one another. If I even caught him in one little white lie I am gone. I have been there done that. I am now re-married to a wonderful, loving, caring & very ambitious man.

I am a fixer. I always thought I could help my man if he had problems. Fix them for him. I tried I really did. He almost destroyed me in the process. Now it is me that needs to be "fixed" if you will. Addiction is a serious problem. A life or death situation for many. There should be no downplaying it.

My daughter & I found my last husband dead from an overdose of prescription meds. That will stick with her for the rest of her life. He was a good guy that had a bad addiction. He was very high the last night he was alive. He made my daughter dinner & was singing. He was happy cause he was high. I tried to help him. I couldn't & he died. After I dialed 911 the police & coroner came. They wanted his pill bottles & he had taken enough to kill a horse.

He had them hid all over the house. We were still finding pills months after he died. He had all kinds of stash places. I don't mean to scare you but that is what addiction does. You would think I would have never touched a pill after that but I was already taking them at the time.

His death is always in the back of my mind & how that could happen to me. I had a lot of guilt feelings. Not so much because of him but because my daughter had to go through what she did. By the grace of god my sons were not home that evening. You don't want your daughter to live or go thru what my daughter has.

I saw your post about a minute after you posted but I had to stop & run a quick errand. So I came back & finished it cause I felt it was important to tell you a little about what I have gone thru. I also felt some guilt feelings about him dying but what could I do. I felt a guilty cause while he was making dinner I was in the bdrm on the phone with my mom telling her I couldn't take anymore & was thinking of leaving him. For good. The next morning he was dead.

I am the one that had to tell his 79 yr old mother her youngest son was dead. She collapsed. 2 yrs later my stepson overdosed & died also. He was 20 yrs old. His wife found him. My husband & his dad were very close. I am also the person who had to tell him. He didn't believe me at first. He was in shock. He had just spoke to him on the phone the night before.

Your boyfriend may not be as far gone as those 2 were. I don't know. But that is where addiction can take someone. I am currently tapering & after many relapses I am doing good. It is a slow taper. Like yours my husband was the 1st person to turn me on to narcotics before I really needed them. I wasn't addicted at the time he died. I do believe his death upped my addiction. I wanted to numb myself as much as I could so as not to feel the pain. It was pain like I had never felt before.

I remember coming home after telling his mom & finding his smokes, hat & shoes where he had left them the night before. That really hurt & of course I was in shock. When the shock wore off I spent the next year numbing myself as much as I could w/o dying. Once I woke up on my kitchen floor where I had passed out. I look back & think how lucky I was that I didn't die. I would only get real messed up if I knew my kids would be gone overnight. I hardly left my bdrm for 5 months.

Just please think of yourself & daughter first!!! Again no one & I mean no one can help themselves unless they want to. Take care of your daughter above & beyond anything!!! They grow up very fast. He will help himself when he is ready. And only then.

Sorry this is such a long post. I just wanted you to know & understand a little about what me & my daughter have gone thru. BTW she is fine now. She has 2 beautiful children & a husband whom she loves very much. Her husband is very good to her & their children. He is a very ambitious young man. She is so mature & I am so proud of her. So this didn't destroy her. He was not her biological father. That is a story unto itself.

Good Luck & God Bless

[over_it98]

Thanks everyone!  You know the more I read about others' lives and issues the more I realize that we are all so much alike.  It is quite comforting to know that I am not the only person who has dealt with these issues.  

My situation is ridiculous!  he and I never talk and I keep making excuses for it so that I don't make any "drastic changes" until I am sure...what a crock!  I think I just can't bring myself to move back home (i left when i was 18) with my mom and her current boyfriend-- which is the only option I have had for the past 6 months.  Last May we moved out of my apartment (i had lived there for 6 years) and into an apartment on my bf's parents' farm.   At the time it was the right thing to do...i was getting ready to graduate college, i hadn't received child support for 9 months and i had a raging addiction that had to be handled.  Leaving the apartment was the right thing to do--- it housed many, many bad memories of my daughter's father and it just reminded me of how out of control my life had gotten-- but now I feel TRAPPED!!!  I am very independent and this is freaking killing me!  As I said, I am starting a new full-time job on Wednesday and am still waiting to hear back from the job I really want.  I also work for an attorney part-time, from home, so maybe I will be able to feel comfortable enough financially to leave.  

As for caring for my daughter, I do!  She is amazing!  The hardest thing to deal with concerning her is the depression I have been suffering.  It makes everything sooo hard and I found it hard to enjoy doing anything with her and my fuse was very short.  I have been taking whey protein and it seems to be helping a lot with the depression.  Today, my daughter and my niece and I played the Wii for a few hours, then put puzzles together and had lunch and now they are watching cartoons beside me on the couch.  She was the reason I quit using-- I was soooo guilty feeling all of the time because I wasn't being a mom--- I was just there and high as a kite all the time or thinking about getting high.

Again, thank you for sharing such intimate details of your lives with me.  I appreciate you taking the time to care about my situation.  I have a lot of decisions to make. Thank you for making me feel less "crazy".  I have no one else to discuss this with and going over and over it in my head doesn't help at all!  

[ThisIsIt983]

I know how much you care for your daughter. If you didn't you would still be getting high with your bf and not even posting on here. You have a new job & you are clean. That is awesome hon!!! You should be so proud of yourself! You are a very strong woman to be able to do that!!

I understand about not having anyone in your life to talk to about this. That is why I love this forum. I have spilled my guts on here on more than one occasion. The anonymity here is what i like. There is an incredible amount of support on here.

I too have suffered from depression.But I think my depression had a lot to do with either the situation I was in or the amount of meds I was taking. My family thinks I am off of all meds. I did quit for a while but then I started back on them & it got bad again. I have a lot of chronic pain issues from surgeries & other stuff. But I am currently tapering off of the opiates.

You sound very independent. You have a lot going on for you. Don't let some guy drag you down. There are a lot of fish in the sea.  With independence comes freedom. The freedom to make our own choices. Keep posting when you have the time. It helps. Congrats on your clean time!! Stay strong!!