Relationships and Withdrawal

Quick Bio: On Methadone for Two years and Codeine the year before. Married over Three years. I

[HyperSync]

When I stopped working a year ago I had no problem keeping her very financially secure, and I will again.  But I think I may be loosing her right before my eyes.  

I feel that I shouldn't do anything about it, She has a right to have a life and I havn't been able to do anything fun in the last 23 days.  For that matter, the whole time I was on methadone I haven't been a lot of fun.

So the question is, should I let it go and continue on with life as normal?  Now that the worst of the W/D's is in the past, my old self of loving life is coming back.  I will be doing fun things with her again, but it may take a little time. OR, should I tell her to cut ties with him?

[chemmonster7]

as women im telling she may be just looking for the emotions an dfeelings you have not had and trust me I know was on methadone for 4yrs sex is differt emotions are clouded but yuo will get better tell her you are not happy about this situation most of the time women are looking for a friend and has nothing to do w/a physical relationship do you trust her?

[blitz6]

If you were home with a broken leg would it make it ok for her to have a relationship with another guy ?

[chemmonster7]

im not saying it is ok just giving a female idea I have male friends but they are also my husbands friends it all comes down to trust myhubby may trust me w/men but not drugs

[HyperSync]

That's Funny,  I asked her the same question.  She said that I did this to myself, I could have stopped it anytime.  If I had a broken leg, she said it would be different, she would "care" more.

[HyperSync]

Yup, I trust her... But I may be naive

[HyperSync]

She has alot of guy friends.  Just like I have (or rather had) alot of girl friends.  But now she gets a call and runs over to the empty rental home to talk.  It's either all in my head, or... I Dunno

[chemmonster7]

no you are not I think she is you ccant just stop at any time you need to ask her what she is looking for from this guy justtalk to hear

[(Not so) Spunky]

Ok- so here's my opinion. And I say this because as a girl, I did the same things she did before I broke up with my boyfriend. I think you need to confront her and let her know where you stand. You just made it through one of life's hardest obstacles by wanting, and GETTING clean. My husband now is putting up with me, and my bitchiness, while I'm getting clean. He is VERY proud of me making the decision to improve myself, and even when I'm REALLY BAD, I know he's there to help.She should be doing the same for you. If she is using this AGAINST you, then I'm sorry to say, I believe there's more to her story. She needs to be beside you. As your wife. Forever. And I apologize if that comes across nasty. I really hope she is just friends(with the other guy), but I think as her husband you have EVERY right to know what she's doing. And being that I used to sneak off to talk to other guys when I was SUPPOSEDLY in a loving relationship, I see some of the signs. I'm very sorry that you are going thru this, you obviously know her better ( since I don't at all!) but please don't be so blind that you miss what's in front of you. Good luck and keep us posted and we are all here for you.

[HyperSync]

BTW, your right about the sex thing.  I've turned her down so many times.  I feel terrable about it.  But I'm making up for it.  She implied that it was almost too late to change things in her heart.  But she loves me and is willing to let me work for it. (the relationship that is)

[blitz6]

It seems to me if anything needed to be said it could be said in your home,no need to go to a private place to talk with someone you just bacame aquainted with. I may not be the best person to give advise on this as I was just betrayed myself!

[HyperSync]

OK I've asked her if she was looking for me in him. We look very mush alike.  She keeps saying, he's just a friend, and she's not looking for anything.  From your point of view wouldnt I make it worse by talking about it.  Shouldn't I just wait and see?  Prove myself to her all over again.

[chemmonster7]

sadly the sex thing is one of the worst side effects all I can say is my hubby is very patient you need to ask her straight out whats up and shes going to let you work on your part what about her? I dont know her but you are trying to make thing sright if you want to talk off of site my aim name is the same as here alot of us do

[emilyanne]

Ummmm, not to sound harsh, but what happened to you vows that said "for better or worse"??? To be honest, it isn't the other guy that bothers me, cuz I have tons of guy friends, and sometimes they give the best relationship advice...it's the attitude that bothers me, like she is irritated that you are addicted and uses it as an excuse to do something  you are clearly uncomfortable with. As a girl, I can give you this advice...keep quiet for now, but keep a watch on the situation. Don't ignore it. Do your best to keep her in your loop...talk daily and etc. BUT...God forbid you should ever go through something WORSE than drug addiction and withdrawals...would she be supportive and be there for you? Just something to think about...don't know you or her, so don't know the answer, but my husband was there UNCONDITIONALLY throughout my whole ordeal, and actually REPEATED that same vow I posted up above to me on one of my hardest days...he is truly there for me UNCONDITIONALLY!! As for you...CONGRATS ON 23 DAYS CLEAN!!!!!!!!! KEEP IT UP...THE HARDEST PART IS LONG GONE!!!! And remember, everything I said is just my opinion, and only trying to help. Good luck, and keep and eye on the situation!

[HyperSync]

I havn't been on AIM for years. I'll do that. Thanks for the info. And your comments!

[chemmonster7]

I never thought i wuold use aim thats something my kids do but its free an dmost of us haveit so let me know

[catlady59]

We are all here to support one another but.........I'm a woman and was married at one time and there is no way I would have done this to or around my husband. He suffered from depression and there were times we didn't do anything for months. Let alone a few weeks. Its for better or worse isn't it? I've just gone through c/t and know how you feel but its time to step up and confront your thoughts about whats going on.

[chemmonster7]

why wait? you hav eevry right to know where you stand if you two look almost the same there is maybe something to that but you can try and prove you are willing to change and be the person youwere and I was no fun on the methadone either who wants to be around someone who nods off all day

[HyperSync]

You are both right.  I'll talk to her about it some more.  There is a part of me that doesnt want to find out.  I mean, what if she says, "Your Right, I do Like Him" It would make this process sooo much more difficult.  Ya know what I mean.  Ignorance Is Bliss ?!?

[chemmonster7]

I would rather know then not it is painful but not knowing will eat at you and just suck the life out of the relationship good luck my friend kepme posted

[catlady59]

If you don't mind me asking how long have you been married? is this the only bad period? Just from my own experience I can tell you I'm a very social person and I also had male friend that were also my husbands friends and the ones that weren't wanted something else besides friendship and that when we had to end our friendships.

[blitz6]

Very well said,I used to ask my wife if these are just your friends why do I not see them at our pool partys,or why have i not been introduced to them,I have been introduced to all of your girlfriends,she would respond that they felt unconfortable ? uncomfortable of what ?

[chemmonster7]

of meeting the hubby iv been married 16yrs if my hubby wants someone differnt then she better be the hottest chic ever lol

[HyperSync]

I agree, It's a little hard to type everything that about the situation.  We have a watch dog over there and we both check on him.  She always has an excuse to "Check The Dog" expecially after her phone rings.  I'll yell out that I had just been over and she keeps right on going.  There is a big part of me that is thinking that this is part of W/D's.  I never have been like this before, I have always been very self confident.  I'm hoping that I can let her read these posts and get another point of view from someone.  So Far So Good!  I really like the comment about the broken leg.

[Starbuck49]

Ummmm, not to sound harsh, but what happened to you vows that said "for better or worse"???

Emilyann-  you make my point exactly... my husband and I would often discuss  " what is the WORSE in a marriage ?"   We concluded that the partner would have be be beating you, or something else very negative or illegal, before it would be OK to call it quits.  

Or WORSE is never discussed or dealt with, whihc is why people  get divorced so fast, no one knows how to cope, or get thru the really tough times.

The wife in this case sounds very immature and spoiled, this is NOT the easy part of the marriage, she needs to buck up and just tough  it out, ( my opionion only of course) otherwise does she get to set the rules for everythng from now on  because of his addition problem?  

EVERY relationship has unspoken rules ..she decided to change them when he  had his problems...a renegotiation is needed.

[HyperSync]

We have been married for over 2 years.  From my perspective it has been a great marriage.  We did talk last night and hers is much different.

[HyperSync]

We talked a long time yesterday. Learned alot more than I wanted. She doesn't understand the addiction. She said if I was in a fire or had my pelvis broken it would be different. She feels (and sometimes I do too) that I could have stopped this anytime, but I didn't. She feels that I took advantage of her financially. I have not worked in 11 months.  I asked her for more detail about this guy that she is talking to and seeing.  Here is my perspective of the bottom line:
She loves me, but, she has put up a wall as protection. She is not sure about the future. She can not force herself to 'Care' about what I'm going through. She says that 'Bill' is just a friend and she has no intensions of not talking to him. She feels I owe it to her to make everything right.
As far as 'Vows' go, I agree. It seems way to easy to give up. She has done just that. In her words, If I get better, she will be there. It's up to me to do that by myself. She has dealt with it for Two years and she has shut down. If I don't get better, It's over.
Last night I had a real hard time with it, reading post by you all, and seeing how supportive your wife/husband's have been. For the first time in this W/D I wanted to give up and go to the clinic. This morning I'm back to normal (well, as normal as can be) I accept the fact that I have to prove myself again. I will be alone through this, but I deserve it. She has been through alot and I accept that. I believe that Bill is a 'just in case' scenario.  So... Day 24, Feeling Very Good, Looking forward to my new life. Thank You All For Your Responses'. It does help!

[catlady59]

I'm so glad you talked to her and got some answers that always helps. You do have to accept her answers but I do think shes coping out. Are you working now? are you trying to better Yourself? that's the first start. You can not make someone else happy unless you are happy first. You sound like a great guy. Keep up the good work.