Remembering My Sister - Her Loss Will Not Be In Vain -

[mshell62]

Today marks one month since the loss of my sweet sister.  

As was mentioned in my journal, her inability to cope with her rheumatoid arthritis, aches, pains and sadness caused her to abuse medications, which finally took her life at the young age of 47.  

Many of you read this post and offered precious condolescences which I will treasure in my heart forever.  

I am asking a small favor of you, my new friends.   Spend a brief moment and meditate on why we share on this website.  What do we share with others on this site?  We give and take willingly and hopefully something that we share will help save someone else's life.  Meditate on how, what we do every day will effect someone else's life, either positively or negatively.  

Yesterday afternoon I decided to drop by my brother's house on the way home from work.  I did tell my husband I "may" visit my brother.  Since the death of our sister, my brother, little sister and I have gotten alot closer than before.  We started to take a little more stock on our own mortality.  We tend to take care of each other a little more than before.  

Well, I was only "out of pocket" visiting my brother for a few hours.  My cell phone had run out of juice.  In the past, I could go for perhaps a couple of days before I would talk to a member of my family. However, things have changed drastically.  In the few short hours I was visiting my brother, as I was charging my phone, my mother, father, little sister, daughter, son,  EVERYONE began to completely go "berserk".  They had tried to call me at work.  I wasn't there.  They called my cell phone.  It was off.  No one knew where I was...(but my brother).   By the time my phone charged, I had 9 frantic messages on my phone.  

My mother was in tears.  My father  - tears.  They thought the worst had happened.  They had known about my addiction.  They also knew that I had said I was not taking Vicodin any longer.  The pain of their loss less than a month ago is too fresh in everyone's minds.  

How selfish of me to not call.  I had told my husband that I might go to my brothers.  It had never bothered anyone before if they couldn't reach me for a few hours.  

I cannot and will not put myself in a situation to ever put them through another loss.  Time and unforseen occurences befall us all.  We cannot help some things.  But I DO have the power not to selfishly put pills in my body that will cut my life short.  That will cause me to have less time with my children and less with my parents and siblings.  

I really want to stay strong.  This is one of the hardest things I have had to do.  It is truly a battle.  Even though I am feeling strong and confident about my 9 days off of Vicodin, that craving will always be there, I think.  The cues and triggers will pop up often and will make me want to numb my senses.  That is "Life".  

I am incredibly grateful to you who have been so helpful through my tapering and withdrawals.  Through the loss of my sister and the gaining of an unequivocal amount of self esteem to help me stop this downward spiral of drug abuse.  

Love and respect to you who are fighting this fight with me.  

Don't give up.  We can make it together.

Michele

[wait2long]

thank you for the kind words hun...did you get my PM?
i am so glad your hanging in there, your doing just awesome!!  so proud of you!!

[mshell62]

Thank all of you for your beautiful thoughts.

It makes me feel so good that I have posted our experience on this forum.  Thanks to "wait2Long" for gently encouraging me to do this.  She was right, it did make me feel better as I got many encouraging thoughts/prayers regarding our loss.

I am hanging in there.  I am on day 9 of no Vicodin, if I counted correctly.  

Yesterday/last night and today for some very odd reason I am having W/D feelings again?  The restless leg stuff.  Super anxiety?  Very strange.  I thought this would done by now, however, as I go back and read other's posts, it looks like this could be a come and go thing for a while.  It is not going to throw me off, although, I have had thoughts of falling off in a weak moment.  

You know what has helped me?  When I feel this anxiety, restlessness, I POST.  Then I Post.  I answer a post.  I answer a friend or Post more!    This posting has helped me through these spike W/D pains.

Thanks, all for your support and loving words of encouragement.

Michele

[lonote]

I'd like to offer my deepest condolances to you. I don't quiet feel your pain, as everyones is different but I too lost a sibbling not to long ago. My brother Jeff. And let me tell you after three years my heart still aches. So  I am feeling you my dear. Just wanted to drop you a note to introduce myself, I'm Cathy, with pneumonia and asthma at the present time, and want to to know your so dearly thought of. My heart goes out to you as I hope in God's time your pain somewhat eases, and turns but into precious memories. I don't know what else I can say but hang in there. I too am addicted to the pain meds, went off them since may, now back on with my illness. Hummmmmm?
Take care sweetie.      Cathy

[sandi m]

I am truly sorry to read about the loss of your sister. It's obvious that you loved her a great deal and I'm glad that you have the motivation and the drive to stop using.
I'm sure that your sister would be very proud of you, and all that you are trying to do to help others.
Bless you and your family ,
Sandi

[marcatj]

I did not know about your sister.. i cannot even imagine.  i am so very sorry...

your post was beautiful.  and i wish you nothing but success on this "journey" michele.

thanks for sharing such beautiful thoughts.

warmly,
mj

[wait2long]

Oh hun...i bet your family WAS frantic...i can totally understand why, this is all so new to all of you. not having that contact brought up a lot of fears. hopefully this will ease with time...and they will know and understand how well you are doing and they will be able to ease away from those types of fearful thoughts, but for now, it is so understandable. i am so glad you have gotten closer with your family, but also so sorry for your pain and loss at the same time, just know things will get easier with time, you all need time to adjust and grieve...
your doing great michele!