Scared and did something bad out of desperation

[amandasueann]

Ok, I've been in PM for 10 years because of 4 painful medical conditions. My doctors office sold the practice and has a new approach. They treat everyone now the same. So anyone on 4 short acting meds, now is reduced to 3. And anyone on long acting no longer needs breakthrough. I was on 4 30mg oxycodone a day and was switched to 2 40mg er oxymorphone  a day. Plus a Clonidine patch for the inbetween times. Omg, I'm in WDs twice a day, well I did a bad thing and starting sniffing a little piece. I got up to doing it all that way but back down to a quarter of it that way. I also broke them in halfs to take 4 times a day to help make them last 6 hours each. This is so not the med for me nor the group to be in. I need to get all the way take to oral only. I have an apt. In 2 days with a new doctor but scared of getting found out during an exam. I've also considered going cold turkey and coming off for a while. My most painful condition is a cord injury and I'm told there are better meds for nerve pain. I know, I was stupid, I'm 53 and know better. I just need help and support, please no hurtful stuff, not sure I could handle that right now.

[amandasueann]

Ok, this is my third attempt to answer and explain a little farther. This time I'm using a note pad and will copy and paste so I don't loose it again. Thank you for the response and there was nothing hurtful in your response. I'm being honest and truthful and am admitting I'm am now an addict now, I've progressed into one and I'm really bummed out but it's a disease and I've caught it. I had to answer yes to more than one question. It's been 10 years and I believe I take them to not be sick now. They for sure help with pain but I also know the pain is exacerbated when you just stop taking them. Which after coming off them per doctors instruction the first time with no issues. I took myself off them 5 years ago after I was hit by a drunk driver at over 100mph to see my true baseline pain. What a mistake that was, I had no idea and I then learned about WDs. I thought I was going to die, I didn't think it was going to be an issue as it wasn't the first time....boy was I wrong! So, I'm still doing lots and lots of research and looking at my 3 options. 1. Continue to taper and get back to taking per instructions and ask the doctor for something else as I am having a hard time even finding these. My insurance only pays for the generics, two of the three scripts I've had for these I've had to bring the script back to have the name changed for the meds, so they know it's a problem. If I changed to something with better bioavailability I wouldn't even be tempted to do that. I hate it and it's starting to hurt doing so. However, realistically, I crossed a line, my tolerance is high and I'm struggling with just the decrease. I'll still be over the CDCs new guidelines and could come across another issue for a decrease. I'm also an addict now, I never had a problem before this med though, never. I have a syrnix, bad neck fusion, bad disks in the lower back and a brain injury, so I have true pain, the only reason I started taking meds to begin with. Do people really stay on pain mgmt their whole lives? Will the new laws force us to come off anyways? I think I screwed up my tolerance and many say, after this drug nothing else works again so I may be screwed right there alone. Ugh. 2. Go through hell for 4 days of detox and be inducted on to subs, the place I called today says 4 days, I haven't heard that long from reading but that is what they said. I thought I'd be through the worst in 7 to 10, as oxymorphone is one of the worst from what I'm reading. Plus, they only take cash? Then it's 200 a month plus the meds, new car payment without the new car? When I have to come off these it's way harder than what I'm facing now! I use to think this was a good option, not so sure now, same for methadone, same kind of issues except its less expensive but still tied to a chain or rope. 3. This is the one I should do, I'm thinking or 1. Anyways, go to my local hospital inpatient detox and get medical assistance through the really hard part and just as important sign up for the therapy from the other place I found today. They only have people who want to be there and aren't forced. They said it just works better that way for group therapy if most are in the wanting to be there situation. I just know, the last time I did this years ago, not knowing about WDs, I almost didn't make it. I'm not as strong now and just really think I'll need help. I don't have anyone who can come be with me for 5-10 days and I'm thinking it's been way more years and a much stronger drug and a much weaker, less healthy person. I'd love to stay at home and I have everything on the Thomas recipe, plus Elimidrol and a few extras, Clonidine and a Baclofen. I tried to help someone else do this about six months ago, it was actually successful but she didn't have a long history nor was on anything very strong. I'm just worried because I'm having a hard time forgiving myself and just with the small WDs from the decrease I'm so depressed, I think I need someone around 24/7. This won't be easy and the real pain is in there too. IDK, I'm just so scared. I'm in the planning stages, I have a few days, I could have more time but dont want to drag my feet at all. I just need to make a decision and good plan and move forward ASAP. Please, anyone with experience in these, I'd love advise. I'm open and just want to be the best I can be. I know I'm always going to have pain but I do have a tool box of things I don't use as often as I should. Ice pads, heating pad, tens unit, access to two hot tubs, close by, the beach for walking is 4 blocks away, a swimming pool and excersize. Plus vitamins and minerals, I'm learning more and more about these and eating better. I started juicing too and wanted to start lots of these things for the new year. Can one with chronic pain live a good life with out opioids after taking them for 10 years? Will I ever get any energy back to go out and have fun? I'm becoming so depressed and withdrawn and have been even before the med change happened. How do I get through all of this, I know I have to start with the plan. If anyone made it this far, thank you for listening aand bless you if you have advise. Well bless everyone here and I'm sorry we even have to go through any of this.

[10356]

I do not believe subs are a good pain management drug I think some Dr.s are going that route as they can keep you from getting sick and still make money I have been here 8 years and I have only read once where someone thought they were benefiting from subs for pain management. Do a lot of research before jumping into another thing you may have to come off and from what I read the sub wd is longer and more drawn out. as far as being a addict only you can answer that. do you run out early ? do you take more then subscribed do you take them for emotional reasons do you take them other then how directed  do you panic when you run low ? If you answer yes to these I would give a good deal of thought to this as once we cross over there is really no going back It is something that needs to be managed for the rest of our lives. If being a addict and still needing meds then we need a supervisor someone to hold pick up and dole out. I do not write this to hurt you or be harsh I just want to help you figure out your future and your present. I really do wish you well. Keep trying to taper keep reading and most of all take good care of yourself You are definitely worth it !

[10356]

Greetings Amandasueann and Welcome to the forum. I'm sorry to read you deal with such pain and in a time where there is a war on opiates going on Even the pain patients are caught up in this one. The snorting is definitely a red flag and you should stop immediately if you have not already.. These Dr.s think nothing of the wd the patient goes thru they think the other meds will cover the loss, we know how wrong they are and that thinking has led to a lot of suffering myself for one.. If there is anyway on this earth to get off the drugs this is what I would recommend. Many here are chronic pain patients and have found alternatives to the meds and if not cut down to the bare minimum of what you need Your body will adjust to a taper although it takes awhile it is worth getting of the higher mgs.  Anyway I wanted to Welcome you and offer support and Hope.. What ever you choose you came to the right place.. Let us know how the Dr. appointment went ok Also we have a pain management forum you mat want to check out. I wish you well, lesa

[amandasueann]

Oh, thank you. I am too scared to go and be found out. I need time to taper down and I'm doing better. I tried to only take orally today and just couldn't. I hate this so much. I've been online all day looking for treatment. I think, with this outright war, it's time to come off. And I crossed a line and am not a damn addict, no offense to anyone, its just getting stuck with the the label forever. But hey I have no experience yet, so maybe it will save my life, maybe this is a good thing. And many of you, seem great. I already couldn't deal with the first DEA crackdown. I do have real pain and am hoping if I try subs, that it will also help with the pain management aspect. Idk, still mad at myself. I could also just keep trying to wean and get back to normal but I'm struggling because I blew my tolerance from what I'm reading. I think I have no real choice so I should just line up treatment and go through one day of hell for induction verses trying to get help in panic mode and waiting weeks. I've already had a bad 8 weeks, trying this reduction. Bless everyone here! I so wish I never took the very first pain pill. Well, actually  when I did, had a fusion, followed the doctors orders on weekly reductions and came right off, no issue. What happened to theses days, 10 years and 2 accidents ago. A drunk driver really did me in, *****! Ok, I need to stop that, I crossed the line, period! Sorry for babbling....and thanks for listening.

[amandasueann]

I just wanted to add, I've been reading in this form for awhile and what an amazing group of people you all are! I've come to you very broken and hope to recover, one way or another. I have chronic pain but just feel so trapped by the medication. I'm at a point where on them I don't want to do anything anymore, I'm disabled so its way too easy to just not do anything and that's not good either. I've lost all my friends as I make a crapy one and they have no idea what I've been through either. Thanks for listening.