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Seems like im running out of time...
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Seems like im running out of time...

Hello everyone, I am a 25 yr old male pretty much trying to start a life with my fiance of five years.
  A couple of years ago I had hernia surgery repair and was of course prescribed to pain medication, 7.5s to be exact. I went through several scripts before realizing the doctor left some scar tissue in there. My grip on life was slipping through my fingers.  Ignoring the signs of addiction, I got my fiance hooked on them anyway.  Soon after my second surgery I needed to move in with my mother while I healed up.  During that time i developed a pretty serious case of depression. *A quick run through is in order first. Growing up I was given anything I ever wanted from a mother that was a doctor, and also warned when I was in high school to not take these situations lightly.  You see in tenth grade I lost my best friend in a car accident, he died in my arms. Not to get off the subject but I think ever sense that stage in my life caused me to change for the worse.*  Now back to the healing/dealing process.  Finally, after stealing my mothers money to a point my heart was starting to feel wounded, my fiance and myself moved to her home town to start over.  Here I am still on pains, depressed, and broke. I have sold everything that makes me happy except for my computer.  Not all of it went to using, some for rent bills etc.  This is my second day without and I am just tired of never having money,power,will to do anything I want.  With the cold weather coming its going to be even harder to get up/out and accomplish things in life.  Not to mention I pretty much live in the ghetto and its EVERYWHERE.  I know some will say, move forgive and forget but when your as broke as two straight out of college students in this type of economic crisis, its harder than you would imagine.  I am sorry for not making much sense but this is the first time I have ever talked about it to anyone. Please excuse my punctuation and grammar mistakes also
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14 Comments Post a Comment
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1051392_tn?1255472991
so have you quit useing or are you trying to quit i am a little confused are you talking to your mother? you seem to have alot going on right now you poor soul. we would gladly help if you could explain alittle better what your need is. if you are still useing how much and what do you both want to quit or just you
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1067118_tn?1255123710
Sorry I just started typing and couldn't really let up until everything I was feeling in my life was on the notepad.  I am quitting, yes or I would love to. Day two will be tomorrow.
My mother has pretty much cut me off but she still talks to me on days shes not to stressed with work, like if I need to get something off my chest.  I don't really know what my need is. I just know I need help fighting this.  Reading all these confessions has really inspired me to turn over a new rock.  Let me rephrase my problems.  After the surgery and the legal prescriptions ran out I found them elsewhere, spending anywhere from 40-100 bucks a day.  There at one point we were doing at least 10 10's a day.
  After we moved to the new apartment I had a lot of trouble finding work so I relapsed not even a week after we got unpacked and utilities in our name.  I brought the problem up to my fiance several times, kinda like a cry for help but she quickly dismissed it due to her medical history as well.  She has a severe case of Turtoclosis, so she takes muscle relaxers and pains whenever she gets them filled, which isn't ALL the time.  I understand she needs them but the fact that we have been abusing them for several years now just scares me.  I got a job through a temp service in which I had to call off a couple times to cope with my with drawl and they let me go today. I just don't know what to do anymore, whats right and wrong or which way I should go from here.  This moved has alienated me from all my family/friends and I am so lost I don't think I will ever be able to be found again. I really apologize, I know what I want to say I just don't know how to say it all the time.
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Avatar_m_tn
All is not lost.  It just seems that way.

I think you know what you need to do.  You are just overwhelmed with everything right now.  It's understandable.

Focus on one thing at a time.  First would be getting clean.  From what I gather, you have been doing (10) 10mg a day...which isn't THAT bad.  Yes..it's abusing, but there have been people who have used a whole lot more than that, and got clean.  Hell- even I used more than that.  

I believe that you are at what we call "rock bottom".  You are now realizing what the drugs have done to you, your life, your relationships, etc.  You are now realizing how much of a problem this little demon has become.  I think you know what you need to do....and now it's time to do it.

I say you quit...cold turkey.  You will more than likely go thru 4 days of WD at the most, and then you will feel better day by day.  When you start to feel better, you can begin to put your life back together....starting with finding a job.  

Break the problems down....don't look at the whole picture at once.  

Yoda...you know what you need to do.....find the strength to do it.  It's there....it's just burried deep inside, behind a mask of 2 years of drug abuse.  Think about all the things you want back in your life....think about where you want to be a month, a year, 5 years from now....and do it.  
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Avatar_m_tn
All hope is never lost.  Never, ever forget that.
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942290_tn?1252622149
its not a spelling bee here so dont sweat it.  the goal is to get you on the right path.

take axl's advise...


we all here, know what your going through. I could bore you to death with how much I lost and how bad I abused drugs( often I was on 5 different drugs at once) for 5 years. like many others here, I am lucky to be alive today.

If you take the time to stick around here and come up with a game plan, you can do this. but you gotta want it %100. no comprimises, no pills no matter what happens in life.
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1067118_tn?1255123710
Thanks for all the comments, after reading yours and many more before I even decided to speak out it just makes you pull that power out and do something about it.
I have defiantly used more than that but I'm just not that comfortable to let it out I guess.  Your right it sure does feel like rock bottom, but I am going to get out of it! Thanks again, its comments and feelings you get from GOOD people that really make this a wonderful world! I mean that with every feeling in my body. See you tomorrow.
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662972_tn?1270169901
hello best of luck to you and stay strong look to The Lord he will help when you can't carry your self... Can your mother help you any now that your off meds
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Avatar_m_tn
well you have pretty much covered what you do not want. i am guessing just about everything that is around you, except your fiance?
why don't you try to concentrate on the things that you would like. how you would like things to be. otherwise it is a shot in the dark and ????????
if you are not sure , then look at all the things you do not like. and the opposite is what you do. this will give you some concrete goals to work toward. keep seeing how good it is gonna be when you get them. (and i do not mean the drugs- Hah)
because lets face it, the drugs are a false sense of good-feeling. so lets get down to what would be a real good feeling.
i don't know. this just helped me to find all the right reasons to quit and i didn't stop until i found a way to do it.
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1067118_tn?1255123710
I just want to thank everyone again for giving me all of their advice.  I spoke with my fiance today about what I did (joining the forums) and she supports me. Hell I could rob the closest convenient store and she would support me! I can't explain the love I have for this woman anymore. We made up some short term goals which include: moving back to our parents respected houses, getting clean, and exercising. Since we will be about one and a half hours away from each other, we are going to take turns driving. I know it will suck at first not being able to sleep with her, cook her breakfast and many other things, but this is for the best.  We both have to get our heads straight.  She believes in me and I believe in myself.  I adopted the journal section. I really think it will do me some good. Check it out if you want.
AGAIN...THANKS for EVERYTHING!
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Avatar_m_tn
I am 26 and share much of your story.  We have a tremendous amount if common.  A little creepy in fact.

I too thought I was running out of time to get things in order.  It is a scary feeling.  I can say that after a month clean, I have noticed that my addiction had amplified emotions that were not accurate.  And once I took the plunge, my life sort of started cleaning itself up with little effort.

Im not saying that it is easy or there does not remain a lot of work ahead.  Im saying getting sober gives you a proper perspective.  And furthermore, WE ARE YOUNG.  Everyone in my family lives deep into their 90s, so I better keep my **** straight!  

The road is long my friend, and filled with many happy surprises.  Open yourself up to it,

Keep posting.

<Matt
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1046832_tn?1255011862
Im so very proud of you !! you can do this there is alot of people here that care and will be here for you and help you through this only advise i can give you is to be honest first to your self and to those whom love you! Its good your moving back home and that your girlfriend is doing the same both of you need to to get well so there can be a wonderful future for the both of you ! instead of a future of addiction !! addiction gives nothing but takes everything !!! I will be praying for you and her!  you both can do this, hang in there and never give up!!!
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Avatar_m_tn
good luck i think regardless of how different everybody on the forum is we are all pulling for u
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Avatar_m_tn
I can relate to how you are feeling,  when I was 13 my mom got cancer, she had a 15% chance of living,  I got really depressed,  when your that young you don't know how in the hell you are going to handle a situation like that, one day I was in my moms room and was looking for ibprofen, because my back was bothering me,  I looked in her night stand drawer and saw a pain med called Hydrocodone 10/325(Norco)  I did not know what it was so I took them and after 30 min I felt great, I had all the pain meds in the world because my mom never took anything narcotic, I am now 18,  and now tomorrow is my last day of tapering off of them,  because I have been prescribed them since I was 14 because of 2 herniated discs in my lower back.  

I too went from having stuff that made me happy to nothing,  I spent all of my money that I got when my dad died,  I did not get the money until I graduated back in June 2009,  I got a little over 33.000 dollars and yes its that much, not a typo.  I spent all that money in 2 and a half months, from (June 21st-September 7)  I have nothing to show for it now except a big a$$ T.V. and a brand new laptop I got back in July.  Everything else I Enjoyed I sold so I could get money to feed my addiction, and help pay bills.

I hope this gives you the courage to kick this habit,  because your not alone,  The people on this website is the most amazing people,  because they have been in our positions and some are still in our position trying to reach out for help and support.

I WILL PRAY FOR YOU!!!

You, and your Fiance can do this! best of luck!
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Avatar_m_tn
good luck keep us posted we are each others strength
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