Seen the doctor and told him I was an addict!

I went into the doctor's and told him everything. I thought I would get an "I knew it" or "I thought so", but I did not.  He was completely supportive and helpful. This is a huge issue in our town. I spent an 1 1/2 hours talking with him and he actually asked me to help him out.  He also suggested that I go off work and on sick leave for a while.  I talked him into letting me work 1/2 days until I figure out all the money end of it.  It's ****** but I was the one who put myself and my family in this mess.  How could I possibly take more money from them to heal? It was really empowering and felt really good. Thanks to all of you who said it would be and thanks for helping me understand that I didn't ask for this.  It is very much like a bad break up.  Finally letting those around you know what you are going through and accepting help with it.  Getting rid of as many ways of getting drugs is a very hard step, but it's like slapping an ex across the face!!!!!!!!!!

I also wrote a good bye letter to my drug.  It's pretty long.  But you know what it's like a bad break up.  It's like staying with someone who you know isn't good for you but you do anyways.  I have a lot of practice in the area.....thanks again to everyone who suggested I do it.  It was very cleansing.  Sounds really crazy I know it does.  I wrote it and read it and re-read it.  Then I read it out loud.  That took many attempts but I got it done.  I did this alone.  My next step is to read it out loud to my friend, then I am going to burn it, and let it go as it burns.  Very, very hard to do.  Any further advice would be great!  I am open to anything.

[AMom1st]

Bad days are going to happen.  Our minds will tell us it's easier to get high and numb everything that you feel but then you have to think of how far you've come and 1...just ONE evil pill will cause such a backwards spiral.  You don't need that!  You broke up with the devil!  You are stronger than it is.  Believe in yourself!  Hey...you know what I do on those bad days?  I run!  I take it out on the treadmill.  Run off that anger and stress and depression and you'll feel so much better!  Hang in there...

[ImDONENoMore]

Actually, you're doing pretty well all by yourself!! Well done, and stay open-minded.  It's good for the soul.

[Pat1956100]

You are doing great and so lucky to have such a supportive doctor.  Sounds like you have a great plan.  You will do this!!!
Keep posting and let us know what your doctor is doing to help you.
I am so happy for you.  What a huge step telling your doctor and writing that letter.
Big hugs
Pat

[Livingtodaylikeitsmylast]

Hi there, can you please explain this to me further.  My doctor does have a suboxone license and methadone license but people on here told me not to go that route because it just causes another dependency and you have to withdraw all over again.  Any further information would be great!

[Livingtodaylikeitsmylast]

Thanks for the kind words.  I am totally open minded.  I really want this to work.  Do any of you attend NA meetings.  Some people have suggested it here and people in my town don't think its a good idea as it is not directly related to pills.  Isn't it all the same?

[mamaof4410]

Methadone and Suboxone are both Opiates...Thats why your withdrawls subside while you are taking them. But once you stop they return because now your withdrawling from them. Thats why we dont recommend that route. It just prolongs your recovery basically.

[Livingtodaylikeitsmylast]

Thanks Pat, my most exciting part of my day is coming on here to get advice from you guys.  It just helps so much.  Day 12 today, never thought I would ever get this far.  Life is hard without drugs.  You really have to work at it....

[Livingtodaylikeitsmylast]

Okay that makes total sense.  So I am on day 12, if I start taking something like that, then it all starts over again doesn't it?  The withdrawals were the worst thing I have ever done, but I am through the worst.  Would there be any reason to take other stuff?  Even my doctor suggested I should.  What do you think?

[Pat1956100]

Noooooo, you don't want to go on subs after being clean for 12 days.
Just read some of markkush's threads about how he has been on them for years and goes into withdrawals if he tries to stop.
I don't know why he is promoting subs all over this forum when he can't escape them.
You will just start another addicition over again and have to go thru withdrawals again.  You don't want to do that again.
You are doing so well at 12 days.  That is fantastic and I know it's hard but each day you are getting closer to a new clean you.  You will get your life back and be so happy that you did.

[mamaof4410]

Exactly. Dont DO IT.
Dont take anything to help as far as Suboxone or Methadone goes. 12 days is awesome. Think of it as 12 steps foward and if you take that its 11 steps back.
If your having trouble with the cravings...Magnesium helps some with that. I had a hard day yesterday and I just kept pushing through. The cravings hit me hard yesterday I dont know why. But Its so great to know that I dont have to worry about withdrawling. Theres no reason to take the other stuff. They basically put it in a pretty package and say "well this is better than the drug because IM the DR and IM giving it to you" No. Theres no reason to take it. You are passed the worse of the WD's I promise you that. Now is the point you get to menatlly to stay clean. Your brain tells you "get high or die" basically and you have to ignore it. You trained your brain into that mode. Now its going to take time to train it back to normal. I promise it will get better. I cant tell you when but I pormise it will. You just have to walk the line and it will get better with time. Rome wasn't built in a day. It takes time to create something beautiful and in this case your creating a new sober life for yourself.

[mamaof4410]

And its not so much as working at it...Its "wanting" it. If you really want to stay sober...you will.

[Livingtodaylikeitsmylast]

Thank you so much, that really helps.  Sometimes the advice is so conflicting.  I have got this far I don't want to do anything to screw it up.  My doctor doesn't even seem to know what is the best thing to do.  But I guess if you haven't been through it, how would you really know, right.  I trust you guys and your opinions.  God, I wait daily to hear from you all.  You are what keeps me straight.  No pressure!!!!!!!!!  Hahaha!  I will listen and take in all the information and I will stay straight.  I just need help to do it.  Now if I could just stop thinking about getting high, and how great it would feel and how I wouldn't have to deal with all the clean up **** from the last few years I would do great.....lololol

[Livingtodaylikeitsmylast]

Thank you so much.  I know you are absolutely right.  This snuck up on me and hit me so hard and so fast, I didn't even know it was happening.  By the time I realized it was a problem, I was so far gone it was embarrassing.  I do want to save my life and my family, and improve my situation.  I just have this tiny little devil sitting on my shoulder who keeps whispering in my ear, telling me that you know maybe in a week or a month, or six months, you will be able to handle it again.  It has me convinced that I could do it and that I would take them properly again.  But I know, without a doubt, that if I go back it will destroy me.  The inner conflict is terrible.  I miss it, not the loss of the money, or the relationship problems or the work problems, or the chance of getting caught and arrested and all that bad stuff.....but I miss that warm glow and lack of feeling.  NOTHING hurt then......it sure does now......and does the remorse ever let up?

[Pat1956100]

When you hear that devil on your shoulder, think of us on your other shoulder telling you to say NO.  
We are also beating that devil with a big stick to get him off your shoulder.
Trust me, you don't want to relapse.  It is not fun.  I am the queen of relapsers and have dug myself into a big dark hole that I am now trying to climb out of.
It will ruin your life.

[mamaof4410]

That remorse was being swept under the rug...Someone put a quote on here yesterday..."keep sweeping it under the rug for one day youll trip over it"
You need to let go of the past. It happened and its over and done with. Their is NOTHING you can do to change it. You have to accept it for what it was and move on. You will never be able to stay sober unless you come to terms with whatever remorse you are having. I had a rough childhood. I have realized that I cannot control the world and yes those things happened but it was NOT MY FAULT. I was a child and I should have not been put in those situations. I have forgiven those that have hurt me and I would not be able to move on if I didnt. No one is perfect. And holding anger and hate in your heart doesnt make anyone miserable but one person....YOU. I do not want my addiction to define who I am. Im a mother, a wife, a sister, a daughter, an aunt...I dont associate addict with who I am anymore. You shouldnt either. If you ever want to talk about what remorse you are having PM me. I have my page open all day checking it even if Im not posting.
The remorse will let up once you have come to terms with it. Ignoring it while being high doesnt make it go away. It makes it hurt a little more each time. so you do alittle more drugs to get away from it. It does get better. I promise.

[Workinghardtobreakfree]

Congratulations. I am in a similar place. Day 18 here without OxyContin and oxycodone.
I don't recommend Suboxone or methadone.  Addiction all over is my worry. Both were offered to me. I declined. Keep up the good fight. I am trying so hard. Some days the depression is almost too much.
Hugs
K

[AMom1st]

Agree with other comments...don't do it!  I've never went the sub route but from everything I have read and researched, if you are 12 days clean you would be nuts to move to an alternative opiate.  You'll end up taking steps backwards.  Just keep moving forward...you are doing great!  The remorse...you can't change the past.  Be at peace knowing you are not that person now and your life is getting better and better every day.  Be strong and keep posting!

[jlannspr]

Great post, just wanted to know I'm here supporting you along with everyone else. Great people here.

[dominosarah]

I knew that goodbye letter would help, as crazy as it seems!

[Livingtodaylikeitsmylast]

Don't I know it.  It is just awful.  I really, really don't want to.  You all have no idea how important you are to me.  My first 1/2 day back to work and everything that could go wrong did.  I have about a zillion reasons to use again.  I know why I use, it's because of days like today.  But I haven't and I am not going to.  But lord knows I want to.  Thank you all again.

[Livingtodaylikeitsmylast]

That is exactly what it's like.  Okay now for the stupid question, what is PM?  I am seriously new to this and don't get it.  

[Livingtodaylikeitsmylast]

I hear you.  The sadness is just unbearable sometimes.  It is so hard not to cover it up and take drugs.  I know I can't and I don't want to, it just seems easier to do it.  I need strength that I am not sure I have......thank you for helping.  All the encouraging words just make me want to try harder.

[Livingtodaylikeitsmylast]

Thank you.  Your words mean so much!  You are the best.  Just when I am ready to give up and throw in the towel.  I read something that really hits home. You are right I have gotten over the worst so why back track.  I appreciate your help and kindness.

[AMom1st]

Bad days are going to happen.  Our minds will tell us it's easier to get high and numb everything that you feel but then you have to think of how far you've come and 1...just ONE evil pill will cause such a backwards spiral.  You don't need that!  You broke up with the devil!  You are stronger than it is.  Believe in yourself!  Hey...you know what I do on those bad days?  I run!  I take it out on the treadmill.  Run off that anger and stress and depression and you'll feel so much better!  Hang in there...

[Pat1956100]

You are so sweet and we will always support you.  Sorry you had such a rough day today.  Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Oh and PM means private message.  You can send any of us a message, just like an email on this forum if you don't want to share it publicly.

Hope you sleep well tonight
Hugs
Pat

[normalife37]

I really didn`t want to go see my doctor too.  I thought she would be ashamed of me. But she wasn`t, she was so helpful and understanding.  She held my hand and made me repeat a prayer with her:

  ``God grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change the  courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference``

She also gave me withdrawal package, gave me information on local NA meetings..and a big hug. I felt so relieved and of course I was crying.

Keep posting we will all be here to talk you through anything, I am on this site several times a day, and don`t think I could have a pill free day without the support on receive here.  Thanks to everyone.

[Livingtodaylikeitsmylast]

You are awesome.  I did break up with the devil, didn't I.  Makes me stronger, thinking that way.  I always get a smile from you guys.

[Livingtodaylikeitsmylast]

Thank you, It is so good to know that people care and that someone, anyone, is listening!  Thanks for your support!

[Livingtodaylikeitsmylast]

I know exactly what you mean about not be able to not take a pill without all you guys.  I would never be able to do.  Doctors can be amazing.  I guess because I was so ashamed of myself I just assumed everyone would feel the same.  But they don't they really try to help.  Thanks for your support, I couldn't do this without you.

[Livingtodaylikeitsmylast]

You have no idea how much it helped and how long it got. Like I said I thought you were a little nuts, but if something worked for you guys I gonna try it too.  Thanks so much.  I can't believe how something so simple could really help so much.  My best friend in the whole world was involved with a person addicted to pills and it has completely destroyed her world.  She has left him and has had no contact for more than 6 years.  I suggested the letter thing to her and she has started.  She couldn't finish yet because she gets too emotional.  But thanks so much.  Your support is greatly appreciated.

[Pat1956100]

If is so great that you have such a supportive doctor.  Many of us don't.
Glad to see you are still staying strong.
What day are you on now?

[Livingtodaylikeitsmylast]

Hey there, today was way better and I think I have figured out PM thing, that is pretty cool.  I slept so well last night that at one point my husband woke me up because he thought something was wrong.  Day 13 and I am starting to get some sleep.  Yiipppeeee!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks again, for your words and your kindness and support.  I really appreciate it.

[Livingtodaylikeitsmylast]

Ya, my doctor is great.  I also told my chiropractor and was totally truthful about everything and he was really supportive as well.  I was yet again shocked.

I am on Day 13, and people keep telling me to be careful not to tell too many people about what is going on with me, maybe they are afraid I will relapse I don't know???   I want to burn as many bridges as I can and make it as hard as I can to get any......

[Pat1956100]

That is excellent thinking. Burn all your bridges and you will have the best chance to stay clean.
You are doing so well and have a great attitude.  
Congrats on the sleep.  That is the hardest part.  How is your energy level?

[Livingtodaylikeitsmylast]

Energy Level, what's that, I don't have any at all. I am on a bowling team, went last night and couldn't even throw the ball.  Had to sit and watch.  But it beats last Thursday when I was so excited that I was finally able to wash my hair.  So yes it does get better and easier everyday.  I really enjoy your posts and look forward to chatting with you everyday.  Thank you for your time, it means lots to me.

[Pat1956100]

You are so welcome.  haha I know what you mean about washing your hair.  My arms couldn't handle that for days.
That's the worst part of all this, I think. We get over the rough part and then just drag ourselves around for so long.  But it comes  back and we can be humans again.

[Livingtodaylikeitsmylast]

We sure do become humans again don't we.  I went to the Santa Parade yesterday, completely clean, with my husband and three year old and really, really enjoyed myself.  Watching the joy in both their eyes makes this all worth it. What I took from them and myself, always being high, was mortifying, but like everyone on here says you can't change the past.  So now I will focus on making it up to them.  Today I am getting together with friends and going to a movie.  I haven't done that in years.  Things really are getting better.  Not all days are good, but days like yesterday and today are great.  Tomorrow I am in court and Tuesday Wednesday I am meeting with banks to see if I can dig myself out of the financial stuff, so they may not be so good.  But we survive those days don't we???  I hope your day is going fantastic.

[bama88]

Hi there. I read thru your posts and just wanted to say everything your going thru is normal and natural. When we stop using we have to re figure out everything. And we get so emotional. All normal. Stay strong. Stay positive and mostly allow yourself to feel whatever you feel. As each day each minute is a fresh start. Your family and husband are patiently waiting for you to come back to them.

This isn't easy to do. So much to sort out and relearn. I'm proud of you for writing a letter like a break up. We all developed a relationship with these pills. They were our lover. They suduced us and we romanced rhem back.

Now we need to re connect with ourselves. We need to romance kurselves and sobriety.

Just take care of you. And allow the process of healing to begin. Its recovery. And think of the meaning of recovery.

Hugs. And if ya need to talk. Vent whatever I'm here. I've been exactly where your at. I completely get it. And understand. This shall too pass. Minute by minute. Huts

[Livingtodaylikeitsmylast]

Thank you so much for normalizing things for me.  Some days seem so awesome and then others are just so scary!!!  I am not sure day to day if I am going to be able to do this, but I want it.  I really want it.

[pepe77]

Excellent progress. Set a date and only take what the doc gives you to help with w/d.....be easy on yourself and gentle

[Livingtodaylikeitsmylast]

Hi there,

I wasn't smart enough to go to the doctor's before I quit cold turkey.  I was clean 10 days before I seen him, so I was over the worst of the withdrawals and the doc did know what else he could do for me to help me out.  I am day 16 now and there are still some side affects like it's 5 in the morning and I can't sleep.  I am irritable and I still get some crazy awful headaches, and sneezing that won't stop.  But the worst is the emotional part.  I am just sad, and I don't know what to do with it.  

Thanks for your support, I really need it.