My husband left home for the 6th time in the last 11 years 2 weeks ago, he is addicted to percocet. It has been a very hard & long road with him having affairs along the way & he has wasted no time since he left to contact a highschool sweetheart who is married, Before he left he looked me in the eyes & said "you know that i really love you" & i told me no i didn't that he hasn't loved me in a long time. He has been through detox 3 times this year & has relapsed he self mutiliated himself at work 2 1/2 weeks ago & tried to file it with workers comp but his boss found on video that it was no accident. I have tried to help him & have forgave him for alot, been main provider for him & our 2 children for 9 years, but nothing i do or say is good enough & when he was home i was constantly ignored & never dated for him to prove that he loves me & wants a future together. He was such a good man when we met & first 12 years of our marriage & he keeps running away & i think alot of it is he can't face me when he's using & its guilt over past incidents. He lies. steals & mentally tortures me trying to push the blame on me. I am so confused & would love nothing more to have that man back i married, I understand that until he hits rock bottom that won"t happen. Just where is rock bottom? i have never felt so numb and confused.
Hi- For you, rock bottom has been happening for awhile now. It sounds like you stepped into hell and it was a step up!! It's hard to know what his rock bottom is...he'll hit it when there's no money,food,place to live,children,and family...
You came to the right place for support. There's a member here who is the wife of an addict. Her name is "atthebeach" and she'll see this and post to you, I'm sure. I'll shoot a note to her...
You need some attention. Do you have family? I'm sure he feels very guilty and it's hard for him to face you. Addiction is cunning and crippling with loss of control and myriad other behaviors that keep a person sidetracked in life. It's said that addiction is a disease and I believe that more and more. It certainly fits the description in that it's progressive and can be terminal.
Keep in touch-
Read through some other posts in the forum and the archives. I'm sure you know that HE has to do the work and he has to want to be clean...
Everything you describe is typical,I'm sad to say.
hi and welcome to MH. i am the wife of a recovering addict.i know there is so much hurt,pain,broken promises,lies,deceit,broken trust, financial issues,anger,yelling,fighting that go along with living with an addict. yes they try to twist things around to make us look like the ones that are to blame for their addiction we become their scapegoats.it is hard for them to admit what they have become. it is embarrassing for them, they have lost control, the addiction has taken over their lives. they are angry,and lash out at the ones who are closest to them. they become a shell of the person they once were. but i assure you that he is still in there. he needs to find his way through the addiction back to his life once again.
our familys get consumed by their addictions. the very life is drained out of us. we can become enablers, i know i did. we support them emotionally,many times financially,we try to overlook their behaviors, hope and pray it will end, try to live life the best we can and to try to maintain a somewhat functional home and the whole time it is crumbling beneath our feet. we hide their addictions from family and friends. we become ashamed, embarrassed, try to cover up, hide the "family secret".
unlike your husband who left , my husband would not leave even when i repeatedly asked him.he would say i pay the bills. i wouldnt leave i had no where to go, 4 children, didnt work outside the home, didnt want to disrupt their lives,and break up the family home (even though, we were already broken). finally in feb '09 after another knock down, screaming match, we had the police at our home a few times, he finally left. his addiction got worse, he squandered thousands of dollars, he became suicidal.
after 14 yrs that seem to have crept up on me, a week, turned into a month into a year, then 14 yrs. i was ready to file for divorce.
one yr. later he went into a christian drug and alcohol program at 56 yrs old and stayed for 3 months. we are healing as a family day by day, we still have many consequences of his years of use, my children & 1 have all had extreme emotional issues through the years and have been to counseling. our finances are still a mess, i still have trust issues, sometimes i am bitter about all the wasted years of our marriage and our childrens lives.
i know we can not go back and have a do over. my children 25,20,13 & 11 are becoming more self assured, more self confident, more secure in our marriage,more secure in their place in the family, their self- esteem is increasing.
we are christians and know that the LORD has granted us a miracle. i am forgiving him, but am still very cautious.
only he can decide when it is his rock bottom. i think it might be a good idea not to let him back in until he goes to rehab again. he needs to know he can not come and go as he pleases.
have you and your children been to counseling? have you been to al-anon? you need to learn how not to be an enabler. if you are a believer i would tell you to speak with your pastor, have them pray for you. i set up interventions with family and friends, i let out our "family secret" and exposed it to everyone who thought things were just fine.
once i did that he really had no where to run to.
there is hope, i will pray for you,your husband and your children and ask the LORD to intervene in your lives.
sending hugs,hope and prayers
I am going to say it bluntly. File for Divorce now. Never take him back, He will not change. You have suffered enough and have allowed your children to suffer enough. As a mother you dont have the "luxury" of putting up with this or "loving" him. You have children and they see and hear everything.Get therapy and get ur life and ur kids life back. Good luck.
Stumbled across this book a while back...it is great and you could glean a lot of "to dos" from it. It is Smart Women Know When to Say No by Kevin Leman. In fact, this author has a few books that you might find helpful, not only for dealing with your spouse, but your children as well. Remember too this is like trying to save some one who is drowning...often times, if not very careful, it is the rescuer who ends up drowning! Your family needs you, don't let them lose 2 parents! Keep posting, this forum is awesome and can really be of lots of help to you!
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