Sex , Sex? Sex!

[memikey]

Sorry, just always wanted to start my own thread, and figured what a better topic, right?  But now I'm charged with stating something to propogate an interesting thread, so here goes ...

Let's see ... hmmm ... ah, yes, here's one for you: One time many years ago during my first addiction to Vicodin, there came that moment (as it will inevitably for ALL Vicodin users) when no matter how hard I tried, I simply could not score even a single pill, let alone a whole prescription.  But addicts are desperate people, right?  And desperate people do desperate things.

So I'm sitting there on the sofa, sipping a whiskey, aching like crazy, and trying to find a (preferrably fast) way out of this predicament ... when the whole time the answer lay right there at my feet.  I eased down onto my knees and slipped out the (loaded) Ruger 20-caliber rifle that I always kept under the sofa. And then very methodically (and carefully) I lined up the barel perpendicular to my left calf muscle, took a chugging gulp of whiskey ... and pulled the trigger.

I actually thought I missed at first, because I felt absolutely nothing ... then gradually a dull, throbbing ache began to set in, a tiny trickle of blood appeared ... and Presto-Whamo: a two months steady supply of Vicodin at my disposal.  And as for my calf: "Hey, nice, shot, man!"  Missed every single major artery, vein, nerve, and even the bone.  Went clean through.  Hurt like the devil, though, when that ER nurse tried to run one of those betadine-soaked wooden Q-tips through it.

Nobody said addiction was pretty, man.  Cheers!

[puna]

You are unbelievable!  You actually shot yourself to obtain the meds.. WOW!  Im glad your ok.. Ive been reading some of the post here for the first time today and im drawn to your post.. You speak volumes re: addiction.. I didnt read all of your post, could you just give me a brief take on when you became an addict, more about you life, ect.. Sipping away in Miami

[Devodownunder]

Apart from sex sex sex, what should i buy my man for fathers day? Any ideas out there? Thanks. Deb

[Devodownunder]

Hey where are you? How are you? Getting into your music i hope. Anyway im doing ok, but this craving for codeine is not good man, and i cant handle it, it SUCKS man. Hope your alright. peace. Deb

[GOD]

You am RUDE!!!

I KILL YOU!!

Why are you threaten me? Are your self steam low?

Go for HELL!!

Jess
Sorry, my "other personality" must have gotten away from me....
~~~You have fun today, and don't smoke cigarettes. they are bad for you. worse than crack cocaine.~~~~

[OxyDout]

I didn't read all the posts, but listen THERE IS A SHAMPOO WASH THAT YOU CAN BUY, IT CLEARS YOUR HAIR OF EVERYTHING, GO TO A GNC OR SUPPLEMENT STORE!!!!!

[GOD]

Hey, guy...

Regarding that Shampoo-- It won't help anyone with that hair-folicle drug test. What they do for the test is a spectrum analysis on the CONTENTS of the actual hair. They do the analysis by BURNING the hair and analyzing the chemicals in the smoke. A person's body excretes a small percentage of whatever foreign drug or chemicals are in their systems into the carotene that is the protein "Building block" in your hair or fingernails. No shampoo could wash that out.... Just have to shave the head!

Jess

[OxyDout]

Hey listen jackass, this shampoo is made for that type of testing.......... I have never tried it so I can't tell you that your wrong, but if you ever talk to me in that tone of voice again I'll rip your head off..... Sorry, I'm still in pain from this relapse, it sucks!!!!!!!! how are things, email me if you want.

GWH

[ralphie]

good day its 7:30 pm here   hope ypur doing good today im going to the airport in about an hour  dont feel to great but am still excited  i srtayed away from the heroine today and took a few pills instead just to function a little ,clean house ect, and last night i actually played a little  i wasnt planning to but i got inspired watching the other drummer and did it it hurt afterwards but the adreniline kicked in during and it was great but this morning my butt echeeks even hurt (small stool boney ass)  well ill talk to you later ive still got somethings to do   peace   ralphie

[Devodownunder]

Good morning, (its morning here, 8 15am) You are passionate about your music. This passion will get you through your addiction. My best friend plays in a band, in Hamilton NZ, they are called Eight Forty Eight. He said its great to play without the false sence of well being when drugs are in the system. Nateral adrenalin when he plays the bass is awesome he said. And i believe him. Your girlfreind sounds awesome, you are lucky to have great support. I wish i had that with my partner. Hang in there man, your cool.

[ralphie]

thanks again i emailed you i think did you get it? ive been loked up in my house like a fortress one thing is its so damn hot here in florida and the sun just makes me nauseasand to tell you the truth i look like ****(im a little vain)  ive lost alot of wait this month but my buddy aguitarist i play with and also a super straight dude called me tonoght and we talked about future music plans he made me an offer to do a show sept. 14 th he has been very sympathetic and i told him the truth tonight  he was wondering why ive been so sick for so ong and why i turned down alot of previous oppurtunitys(lucrative) to record and do some live fill in work he said man thats not like you so i told him why and he didnt judge me and was upset i hadnt asked him for help sooner so he is coming over tommorow to take me to listen to the drummer ill be replacing and since im broke right now he is going to take me to the health food /vitamin place to get me what i need for the recipe just talking about music and plans for when im better made me feel good.but on another subject  when the dope(heroine is out of me will the meth detox take over ? is it srill coming out of me while im using? or did i just make it worse? let me know if you can   peace    ralphie

[alexandra_r]

I'm so sorry to hear you suffer so much--I really hope that things get better soon, and they will.  Even though you did taper down on the methadone, it is still hard once you get it completely out of your system.  It is such a long-acting drug and takes a long time to get out of your system, which is why the withdrawal is so long and relentless.  Don't beat yourself up about doing the heroin--I know I would do the same thing (and did in the past) to stop that vicious, evil kick.  I have NEVER known anything like that w/d.  It would be better if you could taper with pills, though, I think--if you can get them.  I don't know how easy it is to get pills where you are.  Is there anyone that you have around to help you out through this? (since your lady's not going to be back till Monday).

There's another thing I want to mention, although not that many people seem to bring it up on this board.  Marijuana helps withdrawals a LOT (I think).  I think it's a good drug and that it has legitimate uses.  If you can get your hands on some pot, I think it might really help those w/d's.  I think pot's better than benzos for kicking anyway.

I'm thinking of you Ralphie--and wishing you the best tonight to get through it.

[ralphie]

hello my e.meil address is    t.***@****      thats the name of my main band the trippingerries its a modern rock band  we sound like a mix between hole and  thepixies a  we are a female fronted guitat driven band ill send you some music sometime we definetly have our own sound   all original music  my girl is the singwer and rythym guitar player very unique vocal style but and shes a great song writer we both do all the writing for the band its great because we support each other in our music before we met in past relationships   it was hard to get a girl friend to understand my passion for music and the time involved in playing shows and rehearsals the novelty wears off quick for them  but with tara and i having the same passion its a blessingwe have been together 5 years  we were best friends before we got involved  and we are still best friends  and she supports me in my other musical endeavers i play in a funk jazz band  and im also working with a psycobilly thing  in the studio called billy vegas and the twitch   but right now im on hiatus so to speak this is the 1st time in ......god ever it hink that ive went more than a few days without playing but ill be back when i get through this   everybody is being so patient with me tara most of all her music depends on me and if i cant perform she  can only practice on her own or she'll get with the rest of the band and work a little ,we have a studio in our house but she goes ther house so i can rest   just talking about music makes me feel a little better   thanks deb!!! email me soon    ppeace     ralphie

[Devodownunder]

I have been tring to E-Mail you, but seem to have problems with my address. I will get someone to set it up properly for me, (someone who knows what theyer doing, couse im not quite sure). Peace. Deborah

[Devodownunder]

Dear ralpie, how are ya doing? Wow you will have your lovly lady home, thats good. If she truly loves you then you will have the support, understanding, and comfort you need. Talk to her, tell her how you are feeling, Then she will feel involved in your recovery and be able to help more. But make sure it dosnt become a burden on her. I talk to my partner and it makes me feel better, but i wont let him dictate to me! I dislike dictators, they bring out the worst in me. Take care. Deborah.

[1fortheroad]

hi - i'm glad to hear you are doing better:)

[ralphie]

its getting tough tonight again, not full blown yet i took 2 vics this am and 2 percs  5 minutes ago  like ive said the past few days the meth detox is ******* just relentless i was sick and clean for `10 days and used on the 12th dayy (heroine)  and now im feeling better than 4 days ago but its only round the corner im fearing the meth w/d's again  , alexandra , i was on 18 mgs  then went down to 5 mgs of meth when i walked so its not like i walked off 100 mgs i went from 100 to 18 and stableo=ized on 18 for god, at least 7-8 weeks then went to 9 over a few days then 1 a day till i walked off 5  so could it be almost over after 2 weeks without meth? i know useing the dope was wrong but ill welcome heroine or a vic detox to avoid the meth detox ive been home alone for 6 days and my lovely lady will be home monday night i want to be a little better off than when she left she is supportive as hell , but i think thats what is worse than when i kiked dope 4 years ago on my own it was only me going through the hell but now i have her and she is hurting too when i think off how good she is and has been to me i cry im crying as im writing about her she doesnt deserv this and i dont want to hurt her anymore!! i think this si the hardest part is im ashamed that she is seeing me so weak mentaly and physically i miss her but i wish she wasnt coming home yet god   as soon as i started writing about her and thinking i break down    ,,,,, sombody please get back to me  my email is t.***@****

[kell737]

lol@ sex subject.  Not gonna lie, got my attention as well.  Hehe.  

Well, I'm on day 20!  Today hasn't been so bad, yesterday was rough.  Kinda off and on since I quit.  After all I took percs for 8 years straight, I don't expect it to "fix" overnight.  

Wanted to see how everyone was doing?   I've been seeing a lot of happy stories on the forum lately and it really puts me in a better mood.   All of us have so much to be proud of.  

Hope everyone is having a good weekend!  

~Kell

[mismike]

Hi witchy woman, good for you i just wanted to say, and i know what you mean by your husband giving you your meds like you were talking about, i am gonna end up having a hyster and i am trying to get clean and my husband is gonna give me my meds afterwards. So I know what you mean by that. good luck!
Mis

[hippy]

thanks for sharing.
well i went to live with my father when i was 12 and he was a sober member of aa , he had 7 year s at that time.
we lived in a 2 bedroom apt in the worst part of town.
10 guys from aa lived with us, most of them were a year or 2
sober .to say the least it was crowded, but guys were coming and going.i rember they would play cards with me all the time.
and tell me craqzy jokes.
the one thing that stands out in my mind is who ever listened to my  father stayed sober and lived a great life , and anyone who did it thier way died,went to jail or a mental hospital.

when i started going to meeting i must say i hated them  and everything about them....
that lasted for 8 years, then i was at the end of my rope.
i had been married and divorced twice, i had  a child  from
each marrage. i knew for sure i was giong to shoot myself.
my brothe stopped over my empty house and asked me to go to a
meeting with him, well i did . when i got ther i saw the speaker
was a guy i had known 5 years previous, i remember   his 1st meeting what a mess he had been, and he had changed so much it was amazing, it gave me a glimmer of hope , but i was still sure i was going to shoot myself just not today.
as i continued to go to meetings, i realized i had to move away.
so i moved to the suburbs outside of philly and let like 10 guys form the program move in ,it was a 7 bedroom house.
i must admit na recovery sucked in 1985 so i started to search
for some people who knew how to work the steps
i found them and they taugt me how to stay clean that was the easy part, teaching me how to grow up was a *****.
i learned that helping others was the answer.
a few years later i got custdy of both my kids  and then i
married the prettiest girl in na.
the only thing i can say  is if you ever get to tah point
where your going to give up on life find some people in na who know what going on.

peace and good luck in what ever you do
i hope life get better and better for you.
keep posting
and rember as addicts we don't get into relationship's we take
hostages.

[memikey]

Hi, Hippy.

In response to one of your questions, yes, I've been in NA before, but it always came out to be the same old thing ... people judging other people, and there is no such thing as "annonymous" anymore.  And to be quite honest, I never got anything out of the meetings except a few good yawns, some free coffee, and a couple of eye-shots up a short skirt here and there.

I'm just too hyper (and private) for NA ... at least the dozen or more different ones I've tried.  But then again, maybe there's that perfect meeting out there for me and I just haven't found it yet.  Either way, during my "clean" times, I've always seemed to last longer between relapses without NA.  But that's just me.  What I really need is something (or someone) I really trust that will help keep me clean for good this next time.  **** gets old after a while, ya know.  Addiction in the U.S. sucks.  Cheers!

--memikey

[alexandra_r]

I'm so happy to hear that you are doing well off the oxy--I don't consider you messing up your clean time at all.  I'm also glad to hear that your hubby got a job--financial stress can make my back hurt much more than normally (actually, any kind of stress).  It's good to see you posting and doing well.

Speaking of "relapse." As a matter of fact, I don't consider the near 15 months I spent on vicodin as a "relapse" because I, also, only took the meds as prescribed (although I think I took them sometimes to avoid w/d rather than for the pain).  Even though I have been dependent on vicodin for pain relief this past year, my life is in order in all other respects.  I have a good job that I'm working hard at, my relationships with families, friends and hubby is great, and my overall outlook is damn good.  However, I have been off all meds for about three and a half weeks--and I am off and on about going back on pain meds.  Today, I am feeling really strong because my back is feeling a little better, but 2 days ago, I just was in terrible pain and was considering going on a longer-acting med at a low dose.  

I don't know what I'll do about my pain situation--I don't want to live in pain, but I don't want to be addicted to any medication either.  I'm just taking it one day at a time and seeing how it goes.

I was just thinking about you a day or so ago and was going to drop a line asking how you were.  

A word of advice about the epidural--have you had one before?  I have had 3 and each time it hurt like hell!  The last time, I got what they call a "wet-head"--meaning that they missed the epidural space and the steroid and other meds went to my brain, hence the name "wet-head."  It sounds worse than it actually is, but I had the worst f&%#$king headache for two days.  Each time I have had an epidural, the doctor has talked me into it, and each time I have felt relief only for about 2 weeks.  It really sucks because I felt GREAT for about 2 - 3 weeks and then the pain comes back with a vengeance.  Also, I had a chiropractor tell me that these injection are bad in the long run for those who have degenerative disc problems because it wear down the cartilidge (sp?) even more.  So, I would check into it very carefully . . . I have decided I will NEVER put myself through that hell again.

Good luck to you and good to see your post.

[hippy]

hey there i hope you get clean agian.

sounds like you went to meetings ?
where did you go ?
i have been giong to na  it seems forever.
started to go to meetings when i was 16
got 90 days a few times , but i always did things my way .
went to aa went na went to group therpy, went to a shrink.
i always thought i had all my bases covered , but i always wound up useing.
i  got clean when i was 24 in na ,  and stayed clean for 14 years
untill i had to get rotater cuff operations.
i was doing good with the meds , taking them as prescribed.
a few years ago  i was paking for a vacation for the grand cannon, and i got a cll from the coronor's office.
he told me my younger brother was dead. well i took it hard .
then my mother inlaw passed a month later.
i started to abuse the vikes and it just got out of controll.

any way the funny thing was when i was younger i hated codene
and any drug like it, they used to sell D'S SAND T'S  I hated
them , i was was a qualude and meth -speed head.
so i was dumb founded when i got caught in the nightmare
of 20 vikes a day , and having the life sucked right out of me.

i learned  a lot about the 12 steps ,went around the country learning about them.
well i found this fourm 6 months ago and read about the receipe and
i started to take it and it worked wonders for me ,
lifted the severe depression , lifted the lack of energy.
so ive been clean since good friday the last friday in may. 02

PEACE , keep posting   michael

[memikey]

Hey, nod, I feel for you, what with 5 months clean and now having to go through some sort of orthopaedic surgery.  Most hard core recovery addicts (and sponsors) would tell you to tough it out on something wimpy like Vioxx, but the reality of it is, any type of bone or joint surgery is very painful for several weeks afterward and is likely to warrant narcotic pain control ... even if your surgeon knew about your previous addiction.

Now, switching myself into your shoes for a moment, I'm trying to think what I would do.  The "spouse-dispensing" idea is good, but addicts are tricky, and though I wouldn't worry too much about finding her/your stash, you could very easily "tongue" doses in order to later double up on them.  If you're really that concerned and in touch with your current sobriety status, I'd seriously consider rolling the dice and have a little sit down with your doctor to let him know where you stand.  Because believe it or not, most physicians know how important pain control is for proper and rapid healing of their patients, irregardless of any past abuse.  Sometimes it just has to be done.

On the far, far end of the scale, though, there are two extreme options to also consider (both of which being very costly if you don't have insurance--and I'm guessing you do).  The first is, for the first several days after surgery, you could have a private nurse stop by your home during "business" hours to issue the doses (and even injections, if necessary).  Then only very few of the pills would be left to your wife, for after-hours emergencies and breakthrough pain, etc.

The second and even more costly option would be to remain an inpatient at the hospital after the surgery for full-time pain control (for a week or so), but it's very unlikely any insurance company would cover such a lenghty stay without special pre-authorization (ie, they would have to know about your past dependancy and realize that if you indeed did become "hooked" again, it would cost them even more money to have you go throuh a long-term inpatient drug rehabilitation program--something on the order of five times the cost of a week in the hospital for pain control).

Just some food for thought.  I am currently NOT clean, but if I was again, would probably go to any lengths to not be where I am right now ... which is broke, hooked, on the verge of being homeless, and of course, feeling like a loser most of the time.  Good luck, whatever you decide.

--memikey

[Witchywoman]

Hi memikey...yes, I do know about Ultram. I've been given just about every pain med under the sun.  I learned over a year and a half ago, when I first found this site that ultram was not good. It never helped the pain I had anyway, and I absolutely hated the way it made me feel.  Before I got clean I had just had back surgery, but had been abusing vicodin for several years. I was taking 20 to 30 vicoprofen a day when I detoxed, cold turkey, 'cause tapering kept failing. It was the support I found here that gave me the courage to get clean.  The people here are amazing angels.

Nod, yes, giving the meds to my hubbie did work. I did not go looking for more, but I also didn't want more. I was surprised that my addiction didn't get retriggered. Maybe it is because I've continued to work very hard on my addiction since getting clean. Not a day goes by that I don't write to my addict friends for help and support in staying clean. Not a day goes by that I don't pray to the Goddess in thanks for me being clean. I go to Therapy. Meetings are not my thing though. I know I'm always going to be vulnerable and live each day at a time. When I tried the oxy again, due to pain that was over level 8, I was terrified it would kick back in, but it hasn't and now my pain is down to a 6 or so again, so I quit the oxy. I only need meds for pain that is over a 7.  

It's all about the motivation we have for taking the meds. If the desire to get high is the primary motivator, like it was for me for so many years, it's abuse. I was worried that would kick in, so that is why hubbie has the meds and I told him to no matter what not tell me where they are. I didn't slip this time, but that doesn't mean I'm immune to falling back into it another time. It's scary.

Congratulations on being clean these months Nod. It is so hard to not relapse especially those first few months!  If you need meds for after your shoulder surgery, lean on us and all the support you have in your life to sustain you.  You will be fine.

love,
WW