Shingles and opiate addiction

[doingitalone]

Hello everyone, I am new to the board but I have been researching and reading addiction forums for the last two weeks. I don't know if this is the right place to post this, but I feel like I have no where to turn and I need answers.

I'll start out with a little bit of history about me, I am an opiate addict and have been using on an almost day to day basis for the past year and a half. I started taking vicodin for pain from reconstructive feet surgery at work and introduced it to my husband who I also knew enjoyed taking opiates. I think the use was as much for pain as it was for escape. Then we were introduced to blue roxies and eventually oxycodone. Within the last few months this addiction has really troubled me, and after numerous times of quitting with relapse I began, personally, to cut my doses from 100-120mgs a day to about 30 once a day in the morning. Then I quit cold turkey. When I quit cold turkey it was the best time for me because all of my dealers were out. Unforunately this caused severe stress for my husband because he cannot work unless he has opiates due to his withdrawals and it was the middle of the week.

I started my withdrawal process with fierce determination but it seemed that my husband was always looking for the next dose. In the past when we have quit together it had been a joint decision that we both equally contributed for. About a day and a half past and what I thought were just withdrawal symptoms turned out to be a particularly nasty case of the shingles, and so when he went to the doctor they prescribed him vicodin. He went through the pills in less than one day and again was in severe pain from the shingles and withdrawal. I took him to see another doctor which presribed him 100 5mg oxycodone pills which I thought he would use only for the pain. He began taking 5 or 6 at a time, and since our dealer was restocked he also began going to our dealer for stronger prescription pain meds because he says "the 5mg don't work." even though he takes 4-6 at a time.

At this point I was still determined to quit and resisted asking him for any pain medication because I know he is in true pain and needs them.

He ran out of the 5mg percs and immediately bought 10 30mg oxycodone, and has continued this process every other day with another presciption of 75 5mg percs given to him by his doctor at the beginning of the week.

Now honestly I feel like I am going out of my mind because I am in constant distress since I have stopped using. The temptation is so close all I have to do is go into the bathroom and pop some these pills but i WILL NOT because I have seen how it is affecting my life and his life and i am STRONGER than my addiction. Unfortunately, I have no support because my husband is always on cloud 9 from his oxy use and he does not want to acknowledge the fact that these past two weeks have been the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, and that I am doing it alone.

I cry every day, at first because the craving for oxy was so strong, but now because I am so alone in this battle without him and every day I only see him using more and more for his "pain." It has been three weeks since he was diagnosed with Shingles yet he still claims there is "severe, debilitating pain" that he needs to take 160mg of oxycodone EVERY DAY for. My friend who is dying from cancer does not even take that much!!

The other night we sat down and had a conversation because any time I try to talk to him about his drug use he claims that "I am judging him" when I should be supporting him. I tried to explain that the oxy's are for pleasure and the percs are for pain, and if he was only in pain he should only be taking the percs. He promised me he is going to quit and that he is jealous that I have been clean for 2 weeks and he wishes he could be too, but his pain is "too bad."

The part of me that loves him wants to stay by his side but the part of me that is struggling to  fight my addiction needs to be away from these temptations. Every day I have the temptation to use because it is right in front of my face, not to mention offered to me by my husband every time I have a complaint.

I dont want to leave my husband because I love him with all of my heart but I feel like if I do not get away from people who are using I am going to relapse. It is so easy to take a pill and then all of these negative feelings just go away.

When I tried to go stay at my parent's house for a few days he literally FREAKED out on me and claimed that I am abandoning him while he is "sick" and that right now he needs me more than ever but I just feel like the more I am around him, the worse my depression gets, the stronger my resentment for him grows, and the more insane I become.

I am trying to take it day by day but when he tells me he is going to the dealer to get some, a part of me inside dies a little bit. The more he uses the less I begin to think he is ever going to quit. I know 2 weeks sober is not a year sober, it is a very short time to be clean, and who am I to preach? But something has to change, and I feel like my marriage might be failing because I cannot continue to put myself around this and he is unwilling to quit.

I dont know where to go, who to turn to, how to get away from opiates completely without giving him an ultimatum, me or the drugs, but i am afraid he is going to choose the drugs over me because "If i were a good wife I would support him no matter what."

I am in a war against myself and against him, I don't know how to get him to quit or how to even show him what his drug use is doing to ME.

Does anyone have any suggestions??

[ricart70]

Yeah that sweaty hand thing just went away for me a couple of days ago and I am not a seaty hand kind of person,I don't like that.Your doing good by walking some,I couldn't do much until after day14 or so.I went cold turkey from150+day oxycontin and roxy.You will get alot better soon.I went to walmart and got this muscle building protein powder that you mix with milk,It has tons of amino acids in it,That helped alot.Alot of people on here swear by the amino acids for helping fix our neurotransmitters  after opiate withdrawal.That might help you some too,

[doingitalone]

I am thinking so much more clearly now than I have in a long time, it feels good and is a relief to be sober. I can't wait until day 20, even day 30 because even though it is a small improvement, i see improvement every day. It is just so hard when I have someone around me who is using to keep thinking clearly, and I only end up feeling anger and resentment and jealousy at the end of the day instead of proud and accomplished of my goals because there is still another battle to be fought with my husband's addiction and I know I won't feel completely healed until he, too, takes the plunge. Every day I try to get up and take a 20 minute walk and then 3 to 4 5 minute walks around my complex every day but some days are worse than others and I only manage a few 5 minute walks. I feel like my body aches still too much right now (getting used to pain off opiates) to do much more than that, also I still have severely sweaty hands and feet like I am still withdrawing, like that symptom never went away, and I never got an appetite back, either.

[ricart70]

Yeah that's what I do.One day is enough to deal with right now.I also had over 2.5 years clean and fell off for a little less than a year and this time I did wwwaaaay more than last,It does not get better.I spent 20k on oxys and roxys and broke my arm all to pieces when I was high and rollerblading.Well....more oxys for that.That 2 and a half years was so much less hassle than this.You don't want to go back to day one though and there is no way to avoid day one when you go back.You are thinking so much clearer than two weeks ago I am sure.There is a big difference in improvement just from day 20 to day 30 and beyond.Do you exercise?It helps alot to get our natural opiates up and running.

[doingitalone]

Thank you for your response. Somehow just knowing that someone else has read my story and knows what I'm going through makes me feel a little bit better. Two weeks isnt a long time but it is a HUGE accomplishment for me, however I'm not out of the water yet, I have had relapses after a longer period of time. Congrats on your 34 days!! I just keep counting and taking it a day at a time.

[ricart70]

Hi,Two weeks isn't alot but do not minimize your effort.It is a world away from going to get 4 or 5 roxys and eating them every day.I know that when I am using that there is almost no part of me that even thinks about quitting.You are doing remarkably well with so many of those pills in your house.I am only 34 days clean of an identical habit to yours and I do not want to even hear of someone I know that has them,let alone in my home.That's alot of money at 10 at a time.I know that it is really easy for him to say he plans on quitting as he is on his way put the door to get more.Overdose is just around the corner at this point.You may have to do something you do not want to do to protect yourself at least for the time being.He probably does not want you away at your parents because that makes his problem real and is killing his buzz.For me it was easy to deny my problem until things started going out the door.That really killed the buzz.I really wish you luck and there are plenty of people on this forum that may have alot of suggestions for you.Please just stay clean and the more your head clears you will be able to come to a solution for this.