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Should my mom press charges

My boyfriends morphine addiction led him to stal not only my credit card but my mothers as well. My mom filed a police repost and is pressing charges. It has been over 2 weeks since I found all this out and since then he has been trying to make things right. He went back to work and has been paying us back. But my parents what me to stay away from him. I think this is the main reason my mom is pressing charges. I don't know what his son and I would do if he went to jail for a long period of time. I Love him and want him to have a fair chance to prove that he can do this and make everything right. Any advice?
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Avatar universal
"manipulation" - I had a very sutle but painful, powerful experience.  Wonder if it will help you see how hard it is -- to see it.

I dated a man who when we talked about our past relationships, causually said that he'd always been the one to break up, in 8 significant ones, but that was just the way it went -- didn't mean anything.  It was odd, but there was NO telling sign of anything manipulative or wrong about him.  Our mutual friend described him as kind, helpful and a "heart of gold."

After 18 miserable months, 12 of them fighting, we agreed to date other people.  I did (one date), he didn't.  He broke up with me few weeks later - waiting until valentine's day morning.

Looking back I realized, it WASN'T AN ACCIDENT that I couldn't break up with him even though it  obviously wasn't right for me.  Every time the thought came through my head before *I* even knew *I* had it, he'd pick a subtle fight.   I thought *I* was the one who was argumentative.  In retrospect I could see the manipulation but during I had NO clue.   I realized no wonder he'd always been the one doing the breaking up - it wasn't accidental - it was VERY skilled manipulation.  I'm not even sure he knows he does this.

While dating he asked, and I'd told him it was fine to get together as friends with a women friend (his request).  He was thrilled with me that I trusted him, and lovey dovey to the nth degree.  I asked him point blank if I could trust him and he'd said yes.  Later he told me that during that night he had been checking out whether he wanted to date her, and had asked her out that night.  I never would have guessed.

Icka, if you don't have him it DOESN"t mean "you will have to be alone forever".  That isn't a logical or realistic conclusion at all.  What it means is that you'll have a chance to be with a non-active-drug user.  It's not you that's causing the problems here.

I don't know what's the right choices for you regarding him.  Givitup talked about manipulation.  I wanted to describe how hard it can be to tell.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
There are alot of good men out there that will tell you how wonderful and beautiful you are and not be actively addicted to drugs and/or alcohol. Who do not lie, steal and break your heart.   Don't give up fighting this fight.  You are dealing with your own addiction right now.  Make no mistake, you attraction to him is like a drug and being without that drugs can be just as difficult.  Many don't want to go through that withdrawal period because it is so hard but it is so much better on the other side.  Dont' sell yourself short.  Believe me when I say life with an active addict is like no other.  It can tear you and your family apart. I can understand having a difficult time taking advice from your mom but don't let your anger towards her ruin your life.  Don't throw it all away just trying to prove something to her.   Be true to yourself and follow that small voice or instinct.   One last thing, addicts are MASTER manipulators, I believe he knows just want you need to hear rigth when you need to hear it .  My ex became so obvious at the end.  Just keep your eyes open to be manipulated in order to keep you stuck.  Addicts need women like us who are codependant.    We are a match made in heaven.  A perfect puzzel piece.  
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I know I am a text book case lol. When I was in highschool I did a report on alcholism ONE of the main"drugs" my mother still struggels with ( actually I don't think it is a struggel because I don't think she will ever stop) Anyway all the research I did was like I was reading my life. I want so badly for my mother to realize even though she is judging me it is because of her that I am this way. I know what you are saying is more then likely the way things are going to work out but in my heart I don't want to believe it. I am trying to get valadation for being with him rather then doing what maybe I need to do and walk away. I am very insucure. I know I have a lot going for me but........... hmmmm probably part of that text book example. But When he tells me I am beautiful and that he can't live with out me and yada yada yada I can't see past that. Whats worse I have let him stay with me the last couple of nights. I don't want to be away from him......... but  errrrrrrrrrrr.  I am so messed I would really like to go to Alona (sp) but I would never go alone. SO,,,,,,,,,,,, Oh I got a headach!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Not to be negative but if I told you how many times my ex said watch me, I'll prove it to you.  I don't even know they are lying to you or to themselves.  Again time will tell if he is serious.  Just because you quit drugs doesn't mean he can do the same.  He might need to get his butt in a program and get help.  I went to AA because I could not stop drinking and I was desperate.  I hadn't lost anything but I wanted a better life.  I WANTED A BETTER LIFE.  I would not have done if for anyone.  I haven't drank Alcohol for almost 8 years.  I thought the same of my ex.  I know he loved me and wanted to stay married but he could not give up his mistress, drugs.   This problem runs very deep in most addicts.  I don't believe you will always be alone BUT I believe you will keep picking addicts as partners because you are attracted to them.  You can change this by getting help for YOU.   I believe just being on this site is a step in the right direction.  I too am a fixer and I wish I had gotten help when I was your age.  It would have saved me years of heartache.  I always seem to fall in love or whatever it was with someone with some kind of addiction or someone who was unavailable in one way or another.  It is the high we get from thinking if we can change them, if we can get the to choose us, then we are worthly and lovable. They say we are just repeating and old childhood struggle.  In your case, you mother was your addict.  You would be considered a text book case as to why you found yourself obsessed with an addict.  And I know, it become an obsession.  My advice, it to just read as much as you can regarding this so you start to get clarity.  You are young, you can turn this around.  I really wish you a life free from what you are going through.  I truly do what it is like.  The fears, the hurt, the anger, the hope only to be disappointed again.  And round and round it goes. It can make you sick.  And it also take away your attention to yourself, to your children, family and friends.   Again, just try to maybe check out an Alanon or Coda meeting.  Read books and keep posting.  
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
That is so funny but so true about robbing my wallett and helping me look for it. My Best friend thinks that he is not taking this seriouse because I never really left him. I think maybe he didn't hit rock bottom but he was pretty damn close and I think it was enough to wake him up. He went from living with me and his son, being able to be with us all the time and have a warm place to sleep and someone to cuddel with. Someone who worked everyday came home cleaned, cooked his dinner and did his laundry, to having nothing and nowhere to go. He knows I will not do this again! I WILL NOT! Fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me, and I will NOT give him another chance, but I think people deseve at least a 2nd chance....
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I am going to be single for the rest of my life aren't I? I can't trust anyone and the ones that I do let in screw me over. I have always been a fixer. lol Not very good though I believe the only one I ever fixed is myself, which I am learning is all that one can fix. I grew up around drugs all my life, I've done drugs most of my life, and then decided I didn't want to live that way and I sure the heck didn't want to raise my children around it. I think that if I can turn my life around as dramaticly as I have then he can too. If he really wants to, and he says he does. He says all he wants is his family back and to make me happy for the rest of our lives. Although I heard addicts will tell you anything you want to hear. But he also said don't listen because talk is cheap and he will prove it to me. So...............
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
DOA
Paying  all  this  attention  to  him  and  his  problem  is  taking  away  from  you  and  your  children.  Dont  think  you  can  fix  him  you  CANT  !!!  He  needs  to  want  to  stop !!!  So  if  your  Mom  dont  have  him  arrested  someone  else  will  or  even  worse   he  will   die.  So  what  good  of  a  father  would  he  be  then  ??  And  what  kind  of  a  father  is  he  now,  hes  robbing  from  his  own  family .  YOUR  INABLING  HIM  BY  NOT  LETTING  HIM  HIT  BOTTOM  and  he  knows  that.  As  junkies  we  will  rob  your  wallet  then  try  to  help  you  find  it  !!!!    And  you  knowing  you  mothers  history  w/drugs  dont  you  think  she  knows    EXACTLY  WHAT  HES  DOIN  ???  We  as  drug  addicts  love  our  drugs  more  than  any  thing  else   !!!  Till  he  gets  help  i  would  let  him  go.  THIS  IS  MY  OPINION  ..    And  maybe  you  should  try  Alanon  this  will  be  a  great  help  for  you  and  your  kids.  and  its  free .  You  cant  gat  any  better  help,  these  are  people  that  have  been  where  you  are.  Good  luck  you  and  your  children  are  in  my  prayers.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Icka,
This might be lame but time will tell.  Just wanted to give you some things to think about along the way.  I think you are getting it by your words "maybe I am just attracted to the situation and want to help him".  That is very typical for codependants.  We want to fix those broken winged birds.  We think if we can fix "them" then we will be okay.  Just keep an open mind to everything.  If you have trust issues now, you may have even more if he doesn't change.  I too had a lot of trust issues.  didn't even get married until I was 38 because like you, I didn't trust.  In then end, I was stolen from and lied to.   I never in a million years thought my ex would EVER do some of the things he did.  Just trying to spare you a difficult life IF you are headed down "that" road.  I truely hope you are not.   Again, just keep your eyes open.  
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
You know I take everything you all say to the heart. And I have lloked at my relationship with my boyfriend and am tryng to determine if I really love him or the idea of him like you kinda suggested. It could be like you say maybe I am just attracted to the situation and want to help him, it could also be because I am rasing his child and want to be a happy family. But even after thinking all that I disagree. Does that make sense. I know I love him. I have never been a long term relation type of person (probably due to my trust issues of shuch a crummy childhood) and I am willing to stick my neck out for this guy I know thats love..............or me being nieve agian heck I don't know I am so confused!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Icka,

I just want to throw something out there.  Sometimes what we call "love" is really our own addiction.   You grew up with an addict (your mother) and it is probably why you feel such a strong attraction to your boyfriend.   It has been said regarding co-addicts or codependants "they chase the drug and we chase them".  It's like we get addicted to them.  Not sure if that makes sense. NOT saying it's not love but it "could" be something else.  Check out the Book Codependancy No More or even better Women Who love too much.   It explains it a lot better than me.  You are only 25 and I am sure you have alot to offer. Dont' ever stay with someone feeling you could not do better.  I have been attracted to addicts all my life which is why I attend Alanon to help me to work on that pattern.    I think you mom is just trying to save you from any more heartache.   I was with my husband for 7 years and walking away from him was the hardest thing I ever did but I knew I could not do it anymore.   I guess we all have to decide when and what is enough.
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Avatar universal
Thank you all for your advice! My mother is making this so hard on me. I have always made good decisions in my life and although she may not agree with who I fell in love with she should accept it. I feel as though I need to sneak to see him but I am 25 years old. My mom quit talking to me because she said I broke the rules (allowing him into MY house) but I don't feel she has the right to make that rule considering it is my house. My head is so messed up and it is so hard for me to focus on anything. I have a beautiful 4 year old that I am not giving all my attention to and I teach a class of 16, 7 year olds and have a hard time putting on a smile. I am here not to try to fix my boyfriend, I know he has to do that and is willing, but to fix myself and to try to get my life back!
Helpful - 0
318725 tn?1198131866
Sweetie  NOBODY choose who we LOVE and we can not help who we love. Don't know what state you are in but most likely the DA will go for the plea bargin with the consideration of the fact that he is making the effort to pay the money back for his mistake. He is an addict (or ex-addict) in recovery and the will look at this. This is a felony cause of the amount but more than likely the will plea with him and possilby even drop it from a felony to a misdemeanor based on him already paying back for his"mistake". Probably no jail time just probation and possibly couseling for the adiction. Hope it all works out for you. If you wanna talk just private message me and I'll be there for you all I can. Had a friend in a similar situation and I can tell you about it. Relax and take care of you and the child and be there for him also he needs you as well.
Steph
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228686 tn?1211554707
No one judges addicts quite as harshly as "ex" addicts. So it's not surprising.

Your right, neither of you can make the other do what you want them to do. I suppose you can tell her that if she loves you she'll listen to you and trust you to do what's right. After all, she raised you and taught you, so if she can't trust your decision in this it shows a failing in her lack of faith in her teachings of you growing up.
Helpful - 0
333612 tn?1302883390
Don't be to harsh on your mom. Nobody understands an addict like another addict. Stop stressing. You can't change the situation. You can't change if charges will or won't be pressed. You can't change the deal he may come to with the DA. The only thing you have control over is how YOU respond to this situation. You can freak out or you can stay calm and deal with what cards life gives you.
A wise man once told me you can either spend time wisely or waste time...either way you won't ever get that time back. Focus on the possitive and take care of the kid and yourself. What is going to happen is going to happen.
Take a deep breath and remember: Don't die on the small hills.
Stay strong,
Greatgreebo
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Avatar universal
Savas that is a great and very true point you made. Parents cannot tell thier daughters what to do in this situation only guid them in the right direction. My mom hung up on me yesterday and since then has not spoke to me. I am not even back together with him but because I let him come over and talk the other night she said I broke the rules and refuses to talk to me. I am 25 and it is my own house and I think I am smart enough to make some decisions on my own, with help and guidence from all of you! I can not chose between my parents and someone I love so much. I know my mom is looking out for me but this is not the way to handel it. BTW my mom is an ex addict. well ex for most and she still does somethings. But shooting up use to be one of her drugs of choice and she got away from it so HOW CAN SHE JUDGE MY BOYFRIEND?????
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228686 tn?1211554707
Yes, and we all know that by pursuing this and pressing charges for revenge and in an attempt to control her daughter's life, she's going to do EXACTLY the opposite and it will push them closer together and make her determined to stay with the guy.
Considering how many movies and books have been made with this plotline, you think people would have learned by now that's how this kind of thing tends to go.
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Avatar universal
Hi Hun...
I have to agree with Bear on this one.The thing is if he is just paying the money back,whos to say it wouldnt happen again?If the addiction is not treated.....it will progress.If you have a broken bone,but all you do is take pain meds,it may make the bone feel better for a while but it wont heal.The bones is still broken.Does that make ANY since?LOLI guess what im trying to say is drugs change people....if he doesnt seek drug treatment then you will never know what he will do next.He does need to pay the money back,but he also needs to get to the root of the problem.I do believe in second chances.You also have to understand from a parents point of view....we want the VERY best for our childrens.You may be in love with him,but love also puts blinders on some of us.It is so easy for people in love to see the good and overlook the bad,but not as easy for someone,like your parents,that do not love him the way you do.......
I do agree that if he is getting drug treatment as well as paying you back he shouldnt go to jail....Thats just my opinion.....

Good Luck to you and let us know how it works out.....
what2donow
Helpful - 0
338939 tn?1291343160
jail isnt rehab...it gets you clean..but it doesnt keep u well....i know, i've been there

carrie
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Avatar universal
Ok this is a lot to handel and I thank God that I found this website with all of you wonderful people. I thought when all of this came about that maybe jail would be the best thing for him, but now I am not too sure. What if he gives up hope. And am I suppose to wait on him, because if he lost me then what hope would there be? I know morphine is nothing to play around with. He says he is clean, I bought a drug test and when he comes over tonight when he gets off work to give me his paycheck I am going to ask him to take it. I guess we will go from there. To Cathy I know all parents are looking out for thier childrens best intrest and I love my mother no matter what happens. To savas I agree that if he does pay mom back it shows remorse and that should be enough. And to Mr. Pants I agree that if they do require counsline it would be a good thing. Thank you all so much!
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Avatar universal
i agree with MR_Pants....I think this is a blessing in disquise.....Good luck and stay strong, take care of you,,, morphine is nothing to play around with...
god bless
r2r
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228686 tn?1211554707
If he's really making restitution to your mother (paying the debt back) than her pressing charges would be...petty.

The law is there to prosecute the guilty and unrepentant, not persecute others. If he's really doing as you say, than absolutely no good can come of her proceeding with this. It's supposed to be their when lines of communication have broken down or a reconciliation can't be  found.

I'd suggest writing out a written contract which states the amount he owes and how he will pay back. Have all parties sign it. If your mother is still intent on pressing charges...well, that reflects poorly on her.

Keep in mind he WILL owe interest. And should pay it.

The only thing that will come of him going to jail is to teach him to be a better criminal, and to give your mum an unsatisfying sense of revenge.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
The decision about whether or not to prosecute the case has very little to do with your mom.  That being said, though, it’s in EVERYONE’S best interest if your mom continues to show motivation about pursuing the matter.  Why?  Because if your boyfriend gets the feeling that the case is going to be dismissed or otherwise lose momentum, he'll be less likely to accept the likely plea deal and get the drug counseling he needs.  Your boyfriend obviously needs some help to get off the morphine.  You wouldn't be doing him any favors by pestering your mother.  If this is your boyfriend's first offense, he's unlikely to face jail time, anyway.  As I said before, this is very likely a blessing in disguise.  (FYI- On hundreds of occasions I've shown girlfriends and wives their husbands criminal background reports and there have been little surprises lurking).  God willing, this isn't the case.
Helpful - 0
340590 tn?1290952141
In defense of your parents we do what we have to do to save our children, no matter their age.  ihad my daughter arrested and locked up on a failure to dim headlights ticket for three weeks to get her sober...did she want it...no...did she go back....yes....but she will tell you now that she is clean it saved her life to break the cycle and sober her up then...she was 21.i loved her i could not just let her die...your parents are lookin out for you...cut them some slack.
cathy
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Avatar universal
My Sanity? lol What sanity? My life is so messed up and my heart is so broken, not to metion my head is spun I don't know what I am doing. I think the main reason I am so stuck on this is because I have never really been in love before. I know that sounds cheesy but it is true. I am such a gaurded person I never let anyone get close to me and the moment I did and allowed myself to fall in love what do you know I get screwed, I am so afraid if I don't give this another chance I may never want to try to get in another realationship again and be alone for the reat of mylife. Wow maybe thats it, maybe I am just afraid I couldn't get anyone else..............
Helpful - 0
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