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Should my mom press charges
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Should my mom press charges

My boyfriends morphine addiction led him to stal not only my credit card but my mothers as well. My mom filed a police repost and is pressing charges. It has been over 2 weeks since I found all this out and since then he has been trying to make things right. He went back to work and has been paying us back. But my parents what me to stay away from him. I think this is the main reason my mom is pressing charges. I don't know what his son and I would do if he went to jail for a long period of time. I Love him and want him to have a fair chance to prove that he can do this and make everything right. Any advice?
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Avatar_m_tn
does he want to quit his habit? when your addicted you use every source of money you can get your hands on to supply this expensive habit, if he doesnt want to quit maybe her pressing charges will wake him up, either way he needs to kick the habit, maybe someone else can help you further, hope everything goes alright!
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Avatar_n_tn
I think I agree with you.  Is this the only time he's done something like this, or has it been repeated?
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Avatar_f_tn
You are right, they are probably pressing charges to keep you away from him, or better yet, keep him away from you. They probably think that if they proceed with the charges, he will get angry and stay away or go to jail. Considering the extent of the crime, if has not been in any prior  offenses, more than likely, they will put him on probation and maybe get him into some type of counseling. Since he is already starting to pay back, that will look great for him in court. Hope things get better for you, it may be a good thing for him, as it may be a big eye opener for him to stop the stealing for his abuse!
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Avatar_m_tn
Going back to work and paying the money back is a step in the right direction but it doesnt mean that hes admitted a problem only that hes going to pay the money back. What assurances do they have?I think it would mean more to them if they saw him getting help and making an honest effort to change. Not only that but if your parents do press charges the court will look on him more favorablly if they know hes getting help,,,gl
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Avatar_f_tn
He is trying to stay clean, or has since he got busted and lost everything. This is the first time that he has done this but he charged over 1,000 dollars. I'm not sure right now if jail will be the best thing for him. I think he is doing really well right now trying to get his life back together. He feels really bad that he got so messed up on drugs and that they took control of his life and screwed everything up so badly. I think if he knows he will go to jail he will lose all faith in himself. And as far as them doing it to keep us away from each other that is unfair and will just result in my wasting a year of my life waiting on him! Maybe if they would just give him probation it wouldn't be so bad but isen't that considerd a felony? Im not sure the laws really.
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176495_tn?1301284012
How old are you and how old is he?  Personally, if we were the victims of such a thing (with one of our daughters involved) we would press charges.  This is a serious crime and addiction is such that we'll tell anybody anything they want to hear.

I might give him the option of proving himself, but he'd have to stay away from our house for a while..."get yourself clean and then we'll talk

Jim
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Avatar_f_tn
I just turned 25 and he is 24. He moved out of my house once I found out about the addiction and he is trying to get clean. and is not allowed to come back to live for a long long time. Being that I am not a child anymore as a parent would you still oress charges?
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Avatar_f_tn
did he get cash advances?im just curious because with my credit cards u have to have a pin number to get cash advances....they were the only thing i wanted when i was an addict....im sure he just didnt go on a shopping spree....i know this doesnt answer your question im just curious.....
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Avatar_f_tn
He traded gas for cash. I guess he knew a lot of people that needed gas and gave him money for it. Errr makes me mad just to think about it. He said he was messed up and didn't realize what he was doing but managed to go to like 15 gas stations.
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199177_tn?1332183097
to be honset if you were my daughter and your boyfriend stole from me i would press charges .....I am an addict , sometimes to get better you have to hit rock bottom
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Avatar_f_tn
I value your honesty. Maybe it is the best thing, but he is doing really well now and I think realizing how much he messed up and what all he lost was enough to wake him up I really don't think Jail will help at all just put him behind in trying to make things right!
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176495_tn?1301284012
Yes, I would still press charges. I'm not going to have someone living in my house who steals from me or my daughter.  Anyone dating/living with her had better have better respect for her and her mother and I, or out they go.


Jim
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Avatar_f_tn
Ok I may be shooting in the dark hear because I feel if I can change your mind I may have a shot with my parents. Lol please don'k take anything offensivly. I own my own house in which I pay all my bills and my house payments. I am 25 years old, and have custody and am raising a child that is not mine. I am also a teacher and teach 2nd grade. I have made or tried to make good decisions in my life, buy I can not help who I fall in love with. I think that he is doing a lot better and he is trying to make things right. I think everyone should get a chance to change. He is no longer living in my house, but I still don't think it would be in anyones best interest for him to go to jail. Did that change your mind any??? =)

Jess
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176495_tn?1301284012
Here's the way I see it (and you should be very proud of yourself for your accomplishments)...God grants us forgiveness for our sins.  But, that doesn't mean we escape the consequences.

If he could prove to me that he is making progress with his addiction, is treating my daughter and child well and we (he and I) sat down and had a long talk about
how he's going to pay us back, I'd consider not filing charges.  But..I'd need to be convinced he's working HARD at getting clean.  I'd sit down with him and work out a plan to pay us back.

This, I'd be doing for my daughter and grandaughter (and him)


Jim
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Avatar_f_tn
sweetie u remind me so much of myself its not even funny....u asked the question "should my mom press charges?"   right?  bear gave u his honest opinion and u kinda got a little defensive....i always felt like i needed someone to tell me what to do and u seem the same way please dont get offended by this u sem like such a good person......but everyone on here is only gonna give u their opinion and no one is gonna just come right out and tell u what u need to do.....only u can figure that one out.....i know u love him and it seems like u have a good head on your shoulders and a very bright future ahead of u and btw kudo's for being there and raising his son....takes a really good person to do that....hope i dont offend u....love ya....god bless
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Avatar_f_tn
As I work as a paralegal in a criminal law firm, I truly believe that yes, if it was over $1,000 it would be considered a felony, but ONLY if he is convicted! If he is found guilty, either by jury or by a plea, ans to tell you the truth, the DA, almost always, will offer a plea, and if he pleads guilty, and considering his first time offense, they will give probation, which is good, because he will probably get drug tested too! They will get him into treatment if he still uses. Considering that the stealing  was for his own drug use, the DA will consider either a drug court program or intense supervised probation, which can do no harm but good for him. If he complies with his probation, maybe your parents will reconsider the fact that they want you to stay away from him. HIs good faith in paying them back, plays a big role in the court system. And if your parents are accepting the payments, its even better! Because that will be an important issue in court. Good Luck sweetie, if you have any other questions, please ask! {{hugs}}
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Avatar_f_tn
See at first you were I am totally pressing charges, and now I think you might be breaking a little bit. There is still hope that my parents! I thnak you so much for your advice and for the practice round on what I should state to my parents. I will also suggest for us all to sit and talk like you metiond but my dad thinks he needs to settel everything with his fists so I don't know how well that will go! Thank you again
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Avatar_f_tn
I was not taking offens to anything bear said nor did I to what you say. I think things sound diffret when you type then in your head. I do think I want someone to just tell me what to do and then I am not going to listen. lol That is just me I guess I want to hear it and I take everything into consideration but I think my mind is made up and I really don't know. Oxy I am just so confused and hurt and mad I just need some un biase people to talk to
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Avatar_n_tn
That is a very painful feeling when someone you love steals from you and your parents.  My ex-husband was an addict and at the end, he started doing the same thing, stealing credit cards, things from the house.   He too would say he was messed up and blah, blah, blah.  Bottom line is, he knew what he was doing was wrong.    My husband at the time swore he was done but I feel very strongly about this, unless your boyfriends in involved in 12 steps meeting, has a sponsor and is working a program, he will return to his drug of choice.  You think they have seen the light and they would never repeat that bad behavior but many do.  I know it is hard to think of him in jail but it might be the very thing that really turns him around.  We don't know what is best for them.  I used to feel the same way and today, my ex is serving a four year sentence I am glad because he has a chance to get better. I doubt your boyfriend would serve any time at all for a first offense.    Since you are not married, to him, please think hard and long if this is something you feel you want to deal with.  Dealing with an addict can be incredibly painful. I loved my husband but could not live with his addiciton any longer.  And believe me when I say I tried EVERYTHING.  I believe in his own way he loved me with all his heart but addiction is power and stong or "Cunning, Baffeling and Powerful".  
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Avatar_f_tn
You know if I knew that all that would happen was him get some sort of treatment and probation I would say go for it. But what happends if they lock him up for a year? Then what? He is doing good right now really well actually and I just want this to get all better and how can he fix things if he is locked up.
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Avatar_f_tn
I am so afraid what you say is true and I don't want to believe it at the same time. I want to believe he realized what drugs have taken from him and that he could get better. We don't have NA anywhere close and cannot afford any rehab so what am I or rather what is HE suppose to do? I know we are not married and maybe this would be a good thing for me to get out of and try not to deal with, but I have custody of his son and so he will always be in my life, and I love him and love his son and want things to work out for all of us.
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Avatar_f_tn
im sorry when i read my post i though god i sound like an *******...i didnt mean it that way.....but i know how u feel im the same way......i think u already know in your heart what u wanna do.....if i were u id bethinking "well i cant keep him away from his child"etc.....u r in a tuff spot with your mom and all too.....your dad sounds like my brother kick *** first ask questions later lol......im sorry if i offended u i so didnt mean that the way it sounded or read  lol.....again i so apologize..i've never told anyone this on here but when my hubby and i first got married he cheated on me...and even though i knew in my heart i was gonna take him back i still asked everyone what should i do? i dont know why i did that maybe i needed someone to validate my decision...but no one did lol....just made them hate him for a long time lol.......but we got thru it and now my parents treat him like he is their son......forgiveness is key i guess and if u stay with him and he stays clean eventally they will forgive him but e has alot of proving himself to do   he can ask my hubby bout that one  lol    love u girl hope this helps....again im sorry......
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Avatar_n_tn
I am a former prosecutor and I think I can make this moment a little easier for you.  First of all, its not up to you or your mom to "press charges".  Once the matter has been reported, its up to the authorities to push the case forward it not.  As a courtesy, the DA will ask for your mom's opinion, but the decision is theirs, not your mothers.  But just as importantly, is the fact that the crime involved a low dollar amount and no violence.  The DA's office will be more than happy to offer your boyfriend a drug treatment program as part of his plea bargain.  If he completes the program, the matter will pretty much go away.  In a crazy sort of way, this arrest might be the best thing that could happen to the guy.  It might shake him up a little and give him the nudge he needs to get off the drugs.  Best to you and God bless.
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Avatar_n_tn
I really do understand you fears. I truely have been there. I was terrified to be without my husband and was terrified to be without his financial suppport.   In the end, jail was the best thing for him.    Your boyfriend can go to AA meeting which are the same thing.  Putting down a drug or alcoholc is just the beginning.  They say, it is only the symptom and not what the real problem is.  I know you love him, I just hope you will try to be aware of this and what it  can mean for you.   The last two years of my marriage where hell and I cried a river.  I would just hate to see anyone go through this.  Not saying you will, just be smart and keep your eyes open.  If you can, try to go to an Alanon meeting.   This disease is serious and can be devastating.  As for jail, "you" cannot predict what is the best road for him and his journey.  You need to try to focus on yourself and you sanity.  I know this is hard to really get but YOU cannot help HIM the way you think you can.    He will either get better and chose a better road or he won't.  It will have nothing to do with what you do or don't do.  
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Avatar_n_tn
That is true about what Mr. Pants said.  I called the bank once to find out about a check that was signed in my name and said it was my husband which is why I wanted to close my account.  I had no intentions of reporting it, I just wanted to close the account.  Once the bank found out they point blank told me it wasn't up to me but it was up to them.  BTW, what drug is your boyfriend's drug of choice?
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Avatar_n_tn
I just read he is addicted to morphine so disregard my last question.  
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356054_tn?1218556075
sure would suck to withdrawl (withdrawal) in jail.
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Avatar_f_tn
I really didn't think you were being a ***** at all I thik everyone here is to help and to be helped and so I take everything erveryone says seiously and non offensive. I agree I think I am just looking for someone to valadet my decision for wanting to stay with him. Although I have found more people on here then not have told me to give him another chance. But that was before the whole jail thing really sunk in. Thank you for sharing your story, and I know he has a lot to prove but I thik he will and hopefully my parents will accept us.
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Avatar_f_tn
So my mom cannot drop the charges after she filed the report? Hmmmmm I have only briefly asked my mom to not put him in jail, I haven't said much becasue I am having to sneak to talk to him and I don't want her to know. So should I not try to talk her out of showing to court and making sure the charges stick?
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Avatar_f_tn
My Sanity? lol What sanity? My life is so messed up and my heart is so broken, not to metion my head is spun I don't know what I am doing. I think the main reason I am so stuck on this is because I have never really been in love before. I know that sounds cheesy but it is true. I am such a gaurded person I never let anyone get close to me and the moment I did and allowed myself to fall in love what do you know I get screwed, I am so afraid if I don't give this another chance I may never want to try to get in another realationship again and be alone for the reat of mylife. Wow maybe thats it, maybe I am just afraid I couldn't get anyone else..............
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340590_tn?1290955741
In defense of your parents we do what we have to do to save our children, no matter their age.  ihad my daughter arrested and locked up on a failure to dim headlights ticket for three weeks to get her sober...did she want it...no...did she go back....yes....but she will tell you now that she is clean it saved her life to break the cycle and sober her up then...she was 21.i loved her i could not just let her die...your parents are lookin out for you...cut them some slack.
cathy
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Avatar_n_tn
The decision about whether or not to prosecute the case has very little to do with your mom.  That being said, though, it’s in EVERYONE’S best interest if your mom continues to show motivation about pursuing the matter.  Why?  Because if your boyfriend gets the feeling that the case is going to be dismissed or otherwise lose momentum, he'll be less likely to accept the likely plea deal and get the drug counseling he needs.  Your boyfriend obviously needs some help to get off the morphine.  You wouldn't be doing him any favors by pestering your mother.  If this is your boyfriend's first offense, he's unlikely to face jail time, anyway.  As I said before, this is very likely a blessing in disguise.  (FYI- On hundreds of occasions I've shown girlfriends and wives their husbands criminal background reports and there have been little surprises lurking).  God willing, this isn't the case.
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228686_tn?1211558307
If he's really making restitution to your mother (paying the debt back) than her pressing charges would be...petty.

The law is there to prosecute the guilty and unrepentant, not persecute others. If he's really doing as you say, than absolutely no good can come of her proceeding with this. It's supposed to be their when lines of communication have broken down or a reconciliation can't be  found.

I'd suggest writing out a written contract which states the amount he owes and how he will pay back. Have all parties sign it. If your mother is still intent on pressing charges...well, that reflects poorly on her.

Keep in mind he WILL owe interest. And should pay it.

The only thing that will come of him going to jail is to teach him to be a better criminal, and to give your mum an unsatisfying sense of revenge.
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Avatar_f_tn
i agree with MR_Pants....I think this is a blessing in disquise.....Good luck and stay strong, take care of you,,, morphine is nothing to play around with...
god bless
r2r
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Avatar_f_tn
Ok this is a lot to handel and I thank God that I found this website with all of you wonderful people. I thought when all of this came about that maybe jail would be the best thing for him, but now I am not too sure. What if he gives up hope. And am I suppose to wait on him, because if he lost me then what hope would there be? I know morphine is nothing to play around with. He says he is clean, I bought a drug test and when he comes over tonight when he gets off work to give me his paycheck I am going to ask him to take it. I guess we will go from there. To Cathy I know all parents are looking out for thier childrens best intrest and I love my mother no matter what happens. To savas I agree that if he does pay mom back it shows remorse and that should be enough. And to Mr. Pants I agree that if they do require counsline it would be a good thing. Thank you all so much!
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338939_tn?1291346760
jail isnt rehab...it gets you clean..but it doesnt keep u well....i know, i've been there

carrie
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Avatar_f_tn
Hi Hun...
I have to agree with Bear on this one.The thing is if he is just paying the money back,whos to say it wouldnt happen again?If the addiction is not treated.....it will progress.If you have a broken bone,but all you do is take pain meds,it may make the bone feel better for a while but it wont heal.The bones is still broken.Does that make ANY since?LOLI guess what im trying to say is drugs change people....if he doesnt seek drug treatment then you will never know what he will do next.He does need to pay the money back,but he also needs to get to the root of the problem.I do believe in second chances.You also have to understand from a parents point of view....we want the VERY best for our childrens.You may be in love with him,but love also puts blinders on some of us.It is so easy for people in love to see the good and overlook the bad,but not as easy for someone,like your parents,that do not love him the way you do.......
I do agree that if he is getting drug treatment as well as paying you back he shouldnt go to jail....Thats just my opinion.....

Good Luck to you and let us know how it works out.....
what2donow
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228686_tn?1211558307
Yes, and we all know that by pursuing this and pressing charges for revenge and in an attempt to control her daughter's life, she's going to do EXACTLY the opposite and it will push them closer together and make her determined to stay with the guy.
Considering how many movies and books have been made with this plotline, you think people would have learned by now that's how this kind of thing tends to go.
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Avatar_f_tn
Savas that is a great and very true point you made. Parents cannot tell thier daughters what to do in this situation only guid them in the right direction. My mom hung up on me yesterday and since then has not spoke to me. I am not even back together with him but because I let him come over and talk the other night she said I broke the rules and refuses to talk to me. I am 25 and it is my own house and I think I am smart enough to make some decisions on my own, with help and guidence from all of you! I can not chose between my parents and someone I love so much. I know my mom is looking out for me but this is not the way to handel it. BTW my mom is an ex addict. well ex for most and she still does somethings. But shooting up use to be one of her drugs of choice and she got away from it so HOW CAN SHE JUDGE MY BOYFRIEND?????
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333612_tn?1302886990
Don't be to harsh on your mom. Nobody understands an addict like another addict. Stop stressing. You can't change the situation. You can't change if charges will or won't be pressed. You can't change the deal he may come to with the DA. The only thing you have control over is how YOU respond to this situation. You can freak out or you can stay calm and deal with what cards life gives you.
A wise man once told me you can either spend time wisely or waste time...either way you won't ever get that time back. Focus on the possitive and take care of the kid and yourself. What is going to happen is going to happen.
Take a deep breath and remember: Don't die on the small hills.
Stay strong,
Greatgreebo
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228686_tn?1211558307
No one judges addicts quite as harshly as "ex" addicts. So it's not surprising.

Your right, neither of you can make the other do what you want them to do. I suppose you can tell her that if she loves you she'll listen to you and trust you to do what's right. After all, she raised you and taught you, so if she can't trust your decision in this it shows a failing in her lack of faith in her teachings of you growing up.
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318725_tn?1198135466
Sweetie  NOBODY choose who we LOVE and we can not help who we love. Don't know what state you are in but most likely the DA will go for the plea bargin with the consideration of the fact that he is making the effort to pay the money back for his mistake. He is an addict (or ex-addict) in recovery and the will look at this. This is a felony cause of the amount but more than likely the will plea with him and possilby even drop it from a felony to a misdemeanor based on him already paying back for his"mistake". Probably no jail time just probation and possibly couseling for the adiction (addiction). Hope it all works out for you. If you wanna talk just private message me and I'll be there for you all I can. Had a friend in a similar situation and I can tell you about it. Relax and take care of you and the child and be there for him also he needs you as well.
Steph
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Avatar_f_tn
Thank you all for your advice! My mother is making this so hard on me. I have always made good decisions in my life and although she may not agree with who I fell in love with she should accept it. I feel as though I need to sneak to see him but I am 25 years old. My mom quit talking to me because she said I broke the rules (allowing him into MY house) but I don't feel she has the right to make that rule considering it is my house. My head is so messed up and it is so hard for me to focus on anything. I have a beautiful 4 year old that I am not giving all my attention to and I teach a class of 16, 7 year olds and have a hard time putting on a smile. I am here not to try to fix my boyfriend, I know he has to do that and is willing, but to fix myself and to try to get my life back!
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Avatar_n_tn
Icka,

I just want to throw something out there.  Sometimes what we call "love" is really our own addiction.   You grew up with an addict (your mother) and it is probably why you feel such a strong attraction to your boyfriend.   It has been said regarding co-addicts or codependants "they chase the drug and we chase them".  It's like we get addicted to them.  Not sure if that makes sense. NOT saying it's not love but it "could" be something else.  Check out the Book Codependancy No More or even better Women Who love too much.   It explains it a lot better than me.  You are only 25 and I am sure you have alot to offer. Dont' ever stay with someone feeling you could not do better.  I have been attracted to addicts all my life which is why I attend Alanon to help me to work on that pattern.    I think you mom is just trying to save you from any more heartache.   I was with my husband for 7 years and walking away from him was the hardest thing I ever did but I knew I could not do it anymore.   I guess we all have to decide when and what is enough.
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Avatar_f_tn
You know I take everything you all say to the heart. And I have lloked at my relationship with my boyfriend and am tryng to determine if I really love him or the idea of him like you kinda suggested. It could be like you say maybe I am just attracted to the situation and want to help him, it could also be because I am rasing his child and want to be a happy family. But even after thinking all that I disagree. Does that make sense. I know I love him. I have never been a long term relation type of person (probably due to my trust issues of shuch a crummy childhood) and I am willing to stick my neck out for this guy I know thats love..............or me being nieve agian heck I don't know I am so confused!
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Avatar_n_tn
Icka,
This might be lame but time will tell.  Just wanted to give you some things to think about along the way.  I think you are getting it by your words "maybe I am just attracted to the situation and want to help him".  That is very typical for codependants.  We want to fix those broken winged birds.  We think if we can fix "them" then we will be okay.  Just keep an open mind to everything.  If you have trust issues now, you may have even more if he doesn't change.  I too had a lot of trust issues.  didn't even get married until I was 38 because like you, I didn't trust.  In then end, I was stolen from and lied to.   I never in a million years thought my ex would EVER do some of the things he did.  Just trying to spare you a difficult life IF you are headed down "that" road.  I truely hope you are not.   Again, just keep your eyes open.  
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Avatar_m_tn
Paying  all  this  attention  to  him  and  his  problem  is  taking  away  from  you  and  your  children.  Dont  think  you  can  fix  him  you  CANT  !!!  He  needs  to  want  to  stop !!!  So  if  your  Mom  dont  have  him  arrested  someone  else  will  or  even  worse   he  will   die.  So  what  good  of  a  father  would  he  be  then  ??  And  what  kind  of  a  father  is  he  now,  hes  robbing  from  his  own  family .  YOUR  INABLING  HIM  BY  NOT  LETTING  HIM  HIT  BOTTOM  and  he  knows  that.  As  junkies  we  will  rob  your  wallet  then  try  to  help  you  find  it  !!!!    And  you  knowing  you  mothers  history  w/drugs  dont  you  think  she  knows    EXACTLY  WHAT  HES  DOIN  ???  We  as  drug  addicts  love  our  drugs  more  than  any  thing  else   !!!  Till  he  gets  help  i  would  let  him  go.  THIS  IS  MY  OPINION  ..    And  maybe  you  should  try  Alanon  this  will  be  a  great  help  for  you  and  your  kids.  and  its  free .  You  cant  gat  any  better  help,  these  are  people  that  have  been  where  you  are.  Good  luck  you  and  your  children  are  in  my  prayers.
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Avatar_f_tn
I am going to be single for the rest of my life aren't I? I can't trust anyone and the ones that I do let in screw me over. I have always been a fixer. lol Not very good though I believe the only one I ever fixed is myself, which I am learning is all that one can fix. I grew up around drugs all my life, I've done drugs most of my life, and then decided I didn't want to live that way and I sure the heck didn't want to raise my children around it. I think that if I can turn my life around as dramaticly as I have then he can too. If he really wants to, and he says he does. He says all he wants is his family back and to make me happy for the rest of our lives. Although I heard addicts will tell you anything you want to hear. But he also said don't listen because talk is cheap and he will prove it to me. So...............
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Avatar_f_tn
That is so funny but so true about robbing my wallett and helping me look for it. My Best friend thinks that he is not taking this seriouse because I never really left him. I think maybe he didn't hit rock bottom but he was pretty damn close and I think it was enough to wake him up. He went from living with me and his son, being able to be with us all the time and have a warm place to sleep and someone to cuddel with. Someone who worked everyday came home cleaned, cooked his dinner and did his laundry, to having nothing and nowhere to go. He knows I will not do this again! I WILL NOT! Fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me, and I will NOT give him another chance, but I think people deseve at least a 2nd chance....
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Avatar_n_tn
Not to be negative but if I told you how many times my ex said watch me, I'll prove it to you.  I don't even know they are lying to you or to themselves.  Again time will tell if he is serious.  Just because you quit drugs doesn't mean he can do the same.  He might need to get his butt in a program and get help.  I went to AA because I could not stop drinking and I was desperate.  I hadn't lost anything but I wanted a better life.  I WANTED A BETTER LIFE.  I would not have done if for anyone.  I haven't drank Alcohol for almost 8 years.  I thought the same of my ex.  I know he loved me and wanted to stay married but he could not give up his mistress, drugs.   This problem runs very deep in most addicts.  I don't believe you will always be alone BUT I believe you will keep picking addicts as partners because you are attracted to them.  You can change this by getting help for YOU.   I believe just being on this site is a step in the right direction.  I too am a fixer and I wish I had gotten help when I was your age.  It would have saved me years of heartache.  I always seem to fall in love or whatever it was with someone with some kind of addiction or someone who was unavailable in one way or another.  It is the high we get from thinking if we can change them, if we can get the to choose us, then we are worthly and lovable. They say we are just repeating and old childhood struggle.  In your case, you mother was your addict.  You would be considered a text book case as to why you found yourself obsessed with an addict.  And I know, it become an obsession.  My advice, it to just read as much as you can regarding this so you start to get clarity.  You are young, you can turn this around.  I really wish you a life free from what you are going through.  I truly do what it is like.  The fears, the hurt, the anger, the hope only to be disappointed again.  And round and round it goes. It can make you sick.  And it also take away your attention to yourself, to your children, family and friends.   Again, just try to maybe check out an Alanon or Coda meeting.  Read books and keep posting.  
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Avatar_f_tn
I know I am a text book case lol. When I was in highschool I did a report on alcholism (alcoholism) ONE of the main"drugs" my mother still struggels with ( actually I don't think it is a struggel because I don't think she will ever stop) Anyway all the research I did was like I was reading my life. I want so badly for my mother to realize even though she is judging me it is because of her that I am this way. I know what you are saying is more then likely the way things are going to work out but in my heart I don't want to believe it. I am trying to get valadation for being with him rather then doing what maybe I need to do and walk away. I am very insucure. I know I have a lot going for me but........... hmmmm probably part of that text book example. But When he tells me I am beautiful and that he can't live with out me and yada yada yada I can't see past that. Whats worse I have let him stay with me the last couple of nights. I don't want to be away from him......... but  errrrrrrrrrrr.  I am so messed I would really like to go to Alona (sp) but I would never go alone. SO,,,,,,,,,,,, Oh I got a headach!
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Avatar_n_tn
There are alot of good men out there that will tell you how wonderful and beautiful you are and not be actively addicted to drugs and/or alcohol. Who do not lie, steal and break your heart.   Don't give up fighting this fight.  You are dealing with your own addiction right now.  Make no mistake, you attraction to him is like a drug and being without that drugs can be just as difficult.  Many don't want to go through that withdrawal period because it is so hard but it is so much better on the other side.  Dont' sell yourself short.  Believe me when I say life with an active addict is like no other.  It can tear you and your family apart. I can understand having a difficult time taking advice from your mom but don't let your anger towards her ruin your life.  Don't throw it all away just trying to prove something to her.   Be true to yourself and follow that small voice or instinct.   One last thing, addicts are MASTER manipulators, I believe he knows just want you need to hear rigth when you need to hear it .  My ex became so obvious at the end.  Just keep your eyes open to be manipulated in order to keep you stuck.  Addicts need women like us who are codependant.    We are a match made in heaven.  A perfect puzzel piece.  
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Avatar_f_tn
"manipulation" - I had a very sutle but painful, powerful experience.  Wonder if it will help you see how hard it is -- to see it.

I dated a man who when we talked about our past relationships, causually said that he'd always been the one to break up, in 8 significant ones, but that was just the way it went -- didn't mean anything.  It was odd, but there was NO telling sign of anything manipulative or wrong about him.  Our mutual friend described him as kind, helpful and a "heart of gold."

After 18 miserable months, 12 of them fighting, we agreed to date other people.  I did (one date), he didn't.  He broke up with me few weeks later - waiting until valentine's day morning.

Looking back I realized, it WASN'T AN ACCIDENT that I couldn't break up with him even though it  obviously wasn't right for me.  Every time the thought came through my head before *I* even knew *I* had it, he'd pick a subtle fight.   I thought *I* was the one who was argumentative.  In retrospect I could see the manipulation but during I had NO clue.   I realized no wonder he'd always been the one doing the breaking up - it wasn't accidental - it was VERY skilled manipulation.  I'm not even sure he knows he does this.

While dating he asked, and I'd told him it was fine to get together as friends with a women friend (his request).  He was thrilled with me that I trusted him, and lovey dovey to the nth degree.  I asked him point blank if I could trust him and he'd said yes.  Later he told me that during that night he had been checking out whether he wanted to date her, and had asked her out that night.  I never would have guessed.

Icka, if you don't have him it DOESN"t mean "you will have to be alone forever".  That isn't a logical or realistic conclusion at all.  What it means is that you'll have a chance to be with a non-active-drug user.  It's not you that's causing the problems here.

I don't know what's the right choices for you regarding him.  Givitup talked about manipulation.  I wanted to describe how hard it can be to tell.
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