Sick of the anger

[Amaryllis1974]

I have been weaning full throttle since Dec. 9, and I am in the midst of a crisis of emotion. I have, for the past 2 days, been so full of rage I can't even think straight. I am unable to identify reasons, and I am only able to place it on people who absolutely do not deserve my wrath.
I pray, call sober friends, write, keep busy, take baths, and stay true to the "tools" of my recovery.
I am tired. I am so out of sorts. I can not name it - the emotion- other than anger. It feels so real, yet there is nothing to be angry at. No junkie problems are in my  life. I have a home.  A lovely home that is now a home full of love. I have Christmas presents for my son, I have been given all I need and want. I have so much, but the gratitude just wont come. What am I doing wrong? I want to change the way I feel so badly. I want out of this rut. I want to feel the high I felt a few days ago. I want to feel close and loved and hopeful, but for 24 hours I have only felt pain. My head knows there is no reason for this rage, yet my disease is attacking at full force. The man in my life that is here to help is not an addict, knows nothing about it, and the advice he gives is usually really off.
I was told by a sober friend to just allow myself to feel this way and move on. It is hard. I don't even know how to accept these feelings. Mainly because I don't know what they are. I do know why they have come, but I need them gone. I have closed myself off to him ( my boyfriend) because I am full of pride and shame and guilt.
I even know why I have those emotions. But NOTHING is working.
Do I just sit thru it?
I want to disappear. I want to run. I am not going to run, but I want to. I suppose there is progress in that. Staying put  until it passes. I feel (fear) he will grow tired of this and then i will have no one. He loves me without condition so why does my anger fall only on him?
I have nothing yet to replace my bad habits with.
Its Christmas Eve and I have all i need and want. So what is so wrong with me?????? I hate this feeling.

[Amaryllis1974]

Glad to have someone on here that is tapering too. I am sure there are many, but glad you found my post. I am far too selfish right now to "look for other taperers" (:
Today I have been busy.I woke and did chores, got myself all dolled up, and am faking it til I make it. I swear too much too, but I look at it as "high class" as compared to where I was. Don't beat yourself up over it. If swearing helps you deal with your anger- then swear away, my friend! It's better than the alternative. God or your son will forgive (:
I too have taken extra doses on a few occasions, but it didn't set me back. Remember we are drug addicts and it is OUR NATURE to use. So if you aren't using, it is a miracle. Get back on the plan and don't give it another thought. My taper is slow now, but it is working. I went from 40- 15 in 2 days, then stopped at 10 for a few days...now i am at 8 and will stay here for a few days to a week. IF i take 9, no big deal. it will not affect my desire to get and stay clean. It is my nature so I remember it that way. Each day that I dont take 40 is a blessing!!!!
Much luck to you dear. you are in my prayers!!!

[Charetti]

So glad you have some refief today. Keeping busy will help too. I have been tapering and doing really well but the last 2 days at home have not been good.  Taken an extra dose each day which means that by Monday I will be hurting big time.

I thought I was handling things pretty good but the other day my son told me I swear too much.  I only swear the f word when I am super frustrated and didnt realize I was saying it so much. So I guess I am not feeling the rage like you but the negative feelings are popping out in different ways and I am reactng to them.

We will get through this somehow.  

[Amaryllis1974]

Thanks everyone. It's so nice to have validation. Seriously. Some days I feel like maybe I am the only one feeling these things, and that I shouldn't. It's so nice to have even a little bit of recognition that I am indeed going the right direction. Today I am easily angered, but not rageful. I have had a headache for what seems like days, but comes and goes- it is getting to me as well. I am at 8 per day- instead of 40, so I suppose there is hope afterall. I am able to not obsess so much about my pills and focus on my moments in the present. I am also able to wake without my first thought being "how many pills do i have left". that is a HUGE relief.
Staying busy- have a ping pong tournament today, gonna play some football with my boyfriend, and then some darts. I have all I need, I have all I want. Truly. Thank God for Medhelp.org!

[cognitive_dissonance]

Hi Amy,
I can honestly say that I know how you feel. The flip side of that is it would take a seriously evolved human to understand what you're going through, especially if  that person hasn't gone through the ride straight out of hell called withdrawals.

It sounds like you're doing most of the right things. It also seems like your boyfriend is doing the right things by researching and trying to understand. Do you think you could handle some exercise? Even if the two of you could get out and go for a long walk together. I know it sounds kinda lame but it works for me. Halfway through the walk all of a sudden I find I can't remember what I was so pissed off about.

Anyhow, keep up the fight,
Drew

[Charetti]

Hi Amy,
I know that your boyfriend doesnt understand addiction but it sounds like the anger isnt from that, its just been bottled up so long. All he really needs to understand is that you are going through something horrible and the pills were your only coping stategy.  You need new coping skills and help with the root of the anger.

You said yourself that these emotions are OLD ones, they need to be dealt with in a healthy way.  Remember that it is good to acknowledge your negative self talk but you need to replace it with some positives.  You CAN recover, you DESERVE to heal, you are WORTH it.  Basically what you feel affects how you think which affects how you act etc.  You need to interupt this cycle to move in a new direction..

Your problems are so much bigger than we can help in here, but we are here to help you get through. Make the active choice to grow and look for solutions everywhere.  

You said you want to drift off to a place where everyone understands you, welcome you have arrived!  Its slow over Christmas but please believe you are amid kindred spirits.  I am saying a prayer for you right now, and I feel your pain.  I am hopeful that you find what you need to start to live authentically.

[Amaryllis1974]

I have told my boyfriend about the anger, but he is not in any way shape or form and addict. He doesn't understand addiction or the hold it has on me. He also is not able to wrap his mind around my emotions and body going through what it is. I don't blame him, and he DOES try. He reads up on  a lot, but it still makes it difficult to accept that I am where i am.
I feel a little better today, but the anger still creeps in. In time I know it will pass, but in the mean time it is such a pain in the arse.
I have hobbies that keep me going, and I pray pray pray. I suppose it's God's time, not mine.
Thanks for all your support- as usual!
Amy

[Dadof5kids1973]

can you tell your boyfriend WHY you feel like you do? That in itself may help with some of the anger, just let it all out to him someone you love and trust and you know loves you back. When I told my wife alot of the anger went away, what a relief, now the love of my life knows and can help, no more hiding......I am not saying you will all the sudden lose the anger and the depresion, but just knowing that someone is right there with you and knows whats happening is a mental step forward in your recovery.

[Florida_Guy737]

I understand you...we all have wild emotions when coming off the meds.  I know this is hard but you have to stop beating yourself; recognize what this is...your body and mind are healing right now.  

I overcame most of what you are describing by immersing myself in  some other activity that would have a positive impact on my life...in my case exercise.  Goal setting, hard physical work, eating right and looking towards the future can really help you..these are not simply words; this actually works.

The first 6 months of recovery, my emotions were all over the place.  Sometimes a commercial or even a photo would set me off.  A movie, conversation, or interacting with others would also set trigger points.  At one point, I had no desire to interact with anyone, like you, and just wanted to get away from everything.  The only thing that kept me grounded was finding something else for me and only me that was positive.  Exercise is not the only option.  School, hobbies, etc can also help you keep focused.

Believe in yourself...

Guy

[Amaryllis1974]

i know why the anger is here, i suppose. The problem I have is that I have no way to express it save writing. and that is not helping me now either. I can not wake tomorrow and pretend happiness with my son and family if there is nothing left in me to fake. I have faked for over a year with the pills and now i am left empty. useless. I feel like a burden to all who know, love me. I feel like the love they have for me is soon to be removed. I feel like if i continue this emotional roller coaster I will soon be alone. I feel alone. In a room of people I feel alone. I feel so sad and hurt and angry at me. I feel blank. nothing but bad oozes from me. anxiety has taken over my life for 24 hours. Nothing sounds good. Nothing makes me happy. even that which should seems so indifferent. i care about nothing. I wish it weren't Christmas tomorrow. I wish i could just go away. drift off to some place where no one knows me but everyone understands me.
i dont want to lose my family., I want to continue to grow and heal but i can not take this anymore. i feel so dam ugly inside and out. So stagnant. So useless. Started out a good day then ONE thing triggered me. One thing my boyfriend said that wasn't even meant as I took it- but it was taken as bad and threw me into a whirlwind of OLD emotions. I feel like i am damaged beyond repair. i feel so sad. so sad. so sad. i cant cry. i have tried. I want to be close to him but am scared that i will feel worse after.
i am in more pain than i can tolerate. i do not want to use. i do not want more pills. I want to continue the road i am on but PLEASE HELP MAKE THIS STOP!

[Charetti]

I hear you, and I understand.  I have felt that anger before and its a cry to help. There is some memory or part of your life that is not so good and it needs recognition.  I dont know what it is but for me it all started with feeling invisible and bad things happening to me.  The pills kept those feelings from emerging and now they are coming out, full throttle like you said.  I dont believe you should sit with it, you need to express it but in safer ways. This forum is one of those ways.  Anger doesnt always need to hurt someone else but it shouldnt be ignored either.  Keep writing here or feel free to message me if you choose.  

Best Wishes and God Bless