Slipping

Now that I am off supervision it's been two weeks. I have noticed several very poor behaviors on my part. Let me give you the run down. 1st I gambled every dollar that I own, 70 bucks noone knew that I did this and yet I did the most dispicible thing. The next day I made up a story that someone stole it out of my handbag while at work and I increased the amount to 160 bucks. I didn't plan on this lie and had no reason to tell it and yet it flowed out as smooth as honey. It felt bitter on my lips at first but after telling it a few times I was almost believing it. I was angry at the injustice of being ripped off. 2nd I slept with my ex ( not for the first time) after promising myself that I wouldn't do it again. He lives with someone else and he has controlling behaviors he wants to keep me on the side and just drop in whenever he feels like it. I went to great lengths to set boundries with him where once there was none. Things like calling before coming over and not having sex. I am afraid so much ground has been lost. I have really been feeling ugly and desparate. Oh and least I forget I even played up the theft story with saying that the person who stole my money stole my recovery coin (1yr). What is wrong with me. I don't know what's going on with me but I know it's not good news. I don't feel much like a person in recovery right now. Crap I forgot a big one 3rd I was really depressed one day last week and so I told my boss that I had the flu and missed work. Then she wanted a doctors release stating that I was well. I gave her a bu//sh!t story about how everyone has this flu and after a call to my doctors office they told me to just wait it out. I am back to work now but my depression is increasing and I have little drive. I am a mess. Feedback greatly welcome.
Becca liar liar pants on fire

[LeaAnn807]

Hey Becca, sounds like you better do something quick!  I think that we relapse before we actually use drugs sometimes.  We do it with our behaviors and actions and thinking.  It sounds like you are there now!  

What kind of aftercare do you do?  I can't remember????

[Beccabeccalynn]

ps I also have been eating stuff that I shoulnt when I shouldn't be doing it. I worked so hard to lose these 20 lbs and I am just blowing it. I hate everything about myself right now. Becca

[dominosarah]

Yes we do relapse long before we pick up.  

Becca, you know where you are heading here dont you.  Seems the minute you got out of that controlled environment you were in you were bound and determined to start doing it your way again.  Your way didnt work so well before and it sure wont work this time.  Only you can pick yourself up and get back to your recovery.  That girl who fought so hard before is still in there, now find her.  Do it today.  You are well on your way to destroying everything you have worked so hard for.....Get out of your head and start fighting for you.  You are worth it........sara

[livngr8ful]

This is all a very hard lesson to learn.  First off make sure you dont use.  You need to take every precaution to avoid triggers that can make it seem alright to use.  You are well into sobriety.
Have you ever had anyone use the statement "a dry drunk"?  It sounds a bit negative, but its a way to explain what may be going on.  Her is my take on this.
Addicts have two major problems.  The first is the use and abuse of what we are addicted to.  Next is the thought process our minds work under.  Both of theses need to change to have the most successful recovery.
A dry drunk is an addict who is sober (not using the vice we are addicted to), but still having the same thought process. Often we as addicts become sober, but we still act as if we are using.  We still lie, cheat, steal, and do the same negative actions we did while using.  What you may need to do is get some additional counseling to narrow down your thought processes. From what you said, you are still acting as if you are using.  Now this is not something to beat yourself up over. It's just another step to further benefit you and you recovery.  You need to take actions to  keep you from this thought process.  I found that this is much much harder than getting sober.  I found it hard because I had no reason to act in this matter.  I could not say I was loaded, and that is what caused me to act in this way.  You have one great thing going for you. You are sober and you have recognized that this is an issue. Post away, ask question on how others got through this stage.  I wish I could offer advice but I am still learning about my thought process. Im 60 days clean as we speak, and I am still in my infancy of recovery.  All I can offer is be aware of your actions.  When you notice an action you know as wrong write it down.  Re-read it if you can.  This will remind you of your action and next time do everything in your power to not repeat your action.  And as time goes on you will notice them before you act and can head them off at the pass.  Good luck and keep on keeping on.  Steven

[Beccabeccalynn]

I have been going to meetings and am going on a weekend retreat 6,7&8 for women in AA. I am afraid that if I ran into the wrong person out there I would relapse so I have been staying home. I wasn't ever gonna tell anyone about the things that I shared with you but I kept thinking about secrets and how they make us sick. So I decided to share. Not feeling a big release yet. But I am glad I told you all. Gotta start somewhere right

[quitinoxys]

Yes you started now keep on going. You need to realize your addict brain is making do all of the bad things. Do you have anyone close to you (that won't judge of course) that you can unburden yourself about what is going on with you? If so go and be honest it will set you free. I will pray for you and hope God guides you through this. God Bless---quitin

[Beccabeccalynn]

Steven you are right about the behaviors and what discusts me is that for two years I have been doing the next right thing and in two weeks I am a wreck. I am amazed at how fast and how low I have gone. I don't want to use, but of course I do want to. I know that relapse is just waiting for me as it always has been. I know that I can't allow myself to go there my god what if I can't get back alive. I have been doing good things lately also but it seem that the wrong things just over shadow the right things. Becca

[livngr8ful]

The biggest thing I have working for me and my recovery, is I am finally aware.  You seem to be very aware of your triggers and your actions.  I have found that if we as addicts can look at the positives in our situations we can be very successful. Dont think of it as, it is lying there waiting for an attack and you cant do anything about it.  Think of it as you are walking down the street and you know this attacker is waiting just around the corner. What you need to do is simply cross the street to the other side.  Then you wont be attacked. Its a horrid analogy on this situation, but it's what I could come up with.  You have the ability to see what is coming, and now you can just make the decision to avoid this attack.  Just as anyone would do, if you know an attacker is waiting, get help.  tell someone that you know this is waiting around the corner and yell fire, get out of the situation and get help.  Post on this forum, go to a meeting so you can have another person on your side to help in your protection.  you are your first line of defense.  Nobody can help if you dont tell them you are afraid.  Im a 34 year old man that has been in very scary situations, and I was never afraid.  But now I am aware of my addictions.  I now feel like a 2 year old little boy that is afraid of the dark.  I just need to find my night light to comfort me.  And If I get to afraid, I need to grab my blankets and find comfort and protection from something else (my higher power). Keep posting and keep moving forward.  Steven

[Beccabeccalynn]

This behavior isn't the new me it is the old me. I don't like the person who does these things. I hate not being Able to trust myself and my judgement. In some ways my actions are worse in the past when I was still using I would keep a secret but not tell a useless lie to cover it up, I would just stuff it. I don't know what is worse. Ugh! I am finding it hard to feel good about myself, rightly so

[vicki595]

Hey Becca~   Today is another day!  As addicts,we lose our conscience. You have yours and that's why you're feeling so crummy.  Monitor yourself!!   You know what to do!!   Don't gamble unless you can afford to lose!  Don't lie because it will always BITE
you back!

Forgive yourself and move on. Go to your meetings and concentrate on each day!  Get out of your head and as far as the EX goes...I can't speak to that one. Those are always complicated...

Stay strong...you know what to do!   I'm happy you posted this.

Now,get your costume on and eat a little candy!  (not too much like I did!!!)

xo

[IBKleen]

Hi Becca,

I don't know what more I could add that hasn't already been said. You are in relapse mode but the good news is that you know it. You did the right thing by talking about it here and now you need to tell someone in your support group---in person. If you have a sponsor, call her. If not, call someone from your home group or one of the ladies you are going on retreat with.

You need to get out of your own head and you need someone to help you do it.

The very last thing we do when we relapse is use and you have not done that yet. Please, before this becomes a sad story...call someone.

I will say a prayer for you, or two or three. Hang in there....

[Beccabeccalynn]

Something positive gaditude list : 1. I am greatful to all my friends on medhelp for taking the time to respond. 2. I am greatful that my car is fixed and that my parents helped me with paying for it. 3. I am grateful that my job allows me to be able to go to meetings.4. I am greatful that I have food to eat. 5. I am greatful that I have a job( it was so hard to find one). Sara Tramhater you are so right I didn't want to hear what you said but I've thought it over and I know that I am in a very slippery place. I have to pull my head out and turn this around. I just pray that it's not to late. Wait that's not true I don't pray at all I don't really know how. Folks say to just start but it feels really awkard. I hope it's not to late to turn this around. I am scared. Becca

[laurel453]

Becca, may i put my 2 cents ? I might be totally wrong, sure but i would treat myself like a " total addict " if i were you... i can relate to some of the things you are saying and this is my way , Becca

you can not allow yourself going further with the food... i start with this because it is something you can start controlling from right now. You can not get stray with it, better being strict than relaxing for now, don't let your guard down any more here ... one not needed food is one too much food ( like one pill is too many and one thousand are not enough... ) as  if you'd start eating junk food or poorly... you would not be able of stopping as it is happening, quit..

the same with silly lies.... tell yourself in a constructive way that you are not allowed not even one small silly lie more, you don't need to  be always sincere but honest, yes... stop now with them and you will be able to keep on track....

same with money ..... put your triggers and prorities.... make sure you can control the money again..

take little steps but in a wide range of fields , Becca.... you can do this... yes, i think that this thing of being off supervision has had some kind of effect on you but you don't need dwealling on it now.... first is quiting what you are doing wrong now... it is the same autodestructive way we have when on active addiction... a selfdestructive and vicious cycle that you must break here at once.... you can search yourself about this addictive behaviour with time but you need to put the brakes at this behaviour now... yeah, i know that inside you,  you know this... don't be scared... you can do it and you will get there little by little, trust yourself, please :) ... you deserve that things can work out well and you don't need to beat yourself like this or feel guilty .... enjoy your successes, Becca :)

[gnarly_1]

Hey Becca.....well you have been given some great advise already...not much I can add
other then I want to encourage you to make the changes necessary to get out of this stinkin thinking mode your in.....I just want to remind you it wasn't the court that kept you clean and out of trouble it was you.....you have to be accountable to you....when you look in the mirror its the women that concurred meth thats looking back....you have came so far Becca dont let few mistakes bring you down...I dont know if you believe in God or not and im not here to shove him down your throat....but for me...I  do...and he's very real to me...I couldn't get by without a personal relationship with Jesus.....this is not about religion there are many that recognize Christ....it is about being able to go to him everyday and talk to him like he's  your best friend no magical prayers no secret words just simply sharing you life with your God....when my mind is fogy and my thoughts all messed up I open a bible...usually to the new testament and '''cleans my mind''..Becca
it gets me by...I know God loves me even on my worst day..I am forgiven and pure because of what he did not what im doing or not doing you may want to give it a try
God is waiting with open arms for you...he adores you and accepts you the way you are
if you seek you will find him...he changed my life he can change yours your friend Mark

[Beccabeccalynn]

Vicky laurel and ibk you are all correct as usual. Everyone can see my situation for what it is and thanks for telling me your views. Laurel I am gonna do what you said I am gonna get up put on some good music and clean my house and get myself ready for the week. I will also get started on my weight reduction plan now. I will check back later but now I have a date with bob Marley and a mop. Becca ps guys how do you pray and how do you get faith?

[IBKleen]

Bob Marley and a mop.....LOL  I love it and now Buffalo Soldier will be playing in my head for the rest of the day.

Becca, how about you just sit down someone quiet and say "Please help me, I can't do this alone". It is that simple. Please try it and please hang in there.

Read your list again, it is a good one.

[Punkinhead75]

Hi Becca,

Glad to hear your trying to slam on the brakes and do the right thing.  As far as prayer and faith go I try to keep it nice and simple.  I pretty much either ask for help and strength or say thank you for all that I have been given.  Have you looked into some kind of aftercare?  AA/NA?  It has really helped me get in touch with some good people.  Good luck!!!

[gnarly_1]

Becca  check your in box

[Beccabeccalynn]

I took the neigbhour kids trick or treating and cleaned house all day plus I did two haircuts for people who couldn't pay. (just to help out) I talked face to face with a friend in recovery. And he said I have to stop beating myself up. That kind of felt to easy of a punishment. But what do I know. I have been reading the posts of people for a few days now but don't feel that I am in a good spot to respond. But I am here lurking. I have work tomorrow and that's good because after my gambling fiasco I need the money badly. I am still confused and have thought of use but I just push it out of my mind and staying home seems to really be helping, it's a bit of isolation but it's also safer. I jst sent the kids in the complex home so that I could post in peace and quiet. I am so off balance. No lies today.
Still hanging on.... Becca

[dominosarah]

You did something good and positive today!!  You helped out a couple of people by cutting their hair and took some kids out trick or treating, you didnt lie and the most important thing is you stayed clean!!  These are all something to be proud of becca~~~sara

[laurel453]

and she sounds better too, sara :)

good for you, Becca.. hey, one thing i forgot... don't you dare putting yourself on a punishment diet now, eh :) eat healthy, no fast junk food.... follow a diet where you are at peace with yourself and no starving yourself and no punishment diet, give yourself a treat once a week.... the goal is eating healthy for you not to lose weight, the kilos will fall down with time, don't worry... and the same with everything else,  realistic goals are much better to sustain ... the important thing is that you feel at peace while doing it:)

and remember what MArk said.... it was you that kept you clean and out of trouble not the court. :)

[lifewithoutcoke]

Hi Becca:) Already got some great advice here. You definitely did the right thing by getting outside of yourself and doing good things for and with others, and getting right on here and posting :)

As addicts we've lied to ourselves since the beginning, we are most certainly the best liars out there so it's no surprise that trait lingers even after our DOC is gone.

Also regarding food, as addicts it's easy to transfer our addiction to anything (including that). I was (probably still am) a full blown anorexic/bulimic in cycles, that's where my addiction started as a child before I found drugs and alcohol. So it's no surprise you may be struggling with food right now. It's the hardest thing to overcome because unlike alcohol and drugs, it's something we have to have and deal with in front of our faces every single day.

That same transference goes for the gambling, the compulsive behavior with lying and sex...it's all part of the same addiction, it all stems from your mind.

The fact that you are aware of all of this and willing to openly talk about it means you haven't lost ground, you're just in a bad place, a bad frame of mind which is what can lead to relapsing. But you've got this, you're being proactive to get out of yourself.

Just keep doing what you did to get clean, rework the steps or whatever you needed to do the first time. A member from my online CA group has this thing she always says, and it makes perfect sense. "Lather, rinse, repeat". Even if you've been sober for years, it needs to be done. It's an ongoing battle for life, we have to keep reworking the steps or methods we took to get sober, so we can stay sober...

Congrats on seeing through your own BS. That's a really huge success!

[Beccabeccalynn]

Spoke with my sponsor and told her most of what happened, but I saw my counslor today and told him everything. We talked alot about my thinking and feelings and actions. I told him that I feel like when you first learn to ride a bike and have training wheels( supervision) and feel confident then it's time for the training wheels to come off. ( end of supervision) all the fear and excitment just overwhelemed me. It feels like I've had a bad wreck on my bike. I want the freedom of being able to ride free ( recovery) I have great fears of falling off again.  In real life it's just a skinned knee , well in my scenario. It's ego pride faith trust. I always thought that I had great recovery active in every way and now I just don't know. I mean it's still me but parts of me that I thought had died, liar cheat and compulsive. Worked today haven't lied so far so good. Becca

[dominosarah]

Another good positive day.....You talked about what is going on, you worked, you didnt lie and you made it another day clean~~~~~~sara

[Beccabeccalynn]

Just a quick note I am at anAA womans retreat on the Columbia River Gorge and having a great time. Ten women in all with 20yrs to two days of clean time. You wouldn't believe the views here. Becca