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Thanks especially to Cindy and Dr. Horvath for incurring the expense (and the headaches)here. I hope our struggles are of value to you in some way.
Will not be spending Christmas eve or day here, so just wanted to say "hang tough everyone"! May God's Greatest Gift touch you this season.
Rex
I wish everybody a Merry Christmas. It's so sad, but right now, the best Christmas present I could get would be a bottle of percocet. Isn't that sad/sick/morbid? Lord help me....
Anyway, I just wanted to let everybody know I love you and believe in you. You aren't alone at all. You are each so special and wonderful. I hope that doesn't sound too corny, because I mean it. I love each of you.
merry christnas too yoo and yours .
i hope you are feeligng well.
life is good, alway nice to see you posting.
yes thomas is quiet the entertainer with all his experence.
and humor, he is a gift to us all.
all his posting for this month is like a christmas gift.
i fing joy in the simple things in life ,like thomas's post
or a good chapter in a book, a funny joke. a good movie.
or just a smile on a child's face.
im so crazy i just love the sunshine in the morning with a cup of coffee.
peace!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!hippy/ michael
I phoned the psychologist like i said i would and told her about my stopping some of my meds and my intentions to also stop the benzos. Managed to get an appointment this morning. When i got to the clinic, surprise...surprise...was also included at the meeting ... the psychiatrist who had started me on these drugs 7 yrs ago.
Well, you can imagine that all i saw were long faces and all i heard was *Do not stop your meds!*. Seemed like an intervention but to keep on drugs instead of stopping them...geezzzzz!
I explained to them that i was feeling much less depressed the last 6 months and that was why i had decided to stop anti-depressants. (Never was suicidal or anything...just real depressed a while back.) These drugs had helped me back then but i feel much stronger inside today.
Never did get the chance to talk about stopping the benzos. They lectured me on how important it was to stay on ALL my precribed drugs and so on. They also said that they would lose thier patient-doctor confidence if i refused to continue drug therapy. Actually i found this meeting so morose that i broke down and cried right there. (I'm usually real good at hiding my feelings.) Didn't feel as strong when i left that office.
The good thing is that they agreed to my suggestion about seeing a therapist twice a week and i will begin mid-january.
Sooooo....ima gonna go see that therapist. I have no intention of getting back on anti-depressants and i also hope to wean myself off the triple dose benzos without their knowledge. I want to be drug free and find out why i so much like the opiate feeling and what it is that i'm am really trying to *fix* with them. (Gonna start tapering my benzos starting january.)
It seems kinda weird. I've got to *pretend* i'm taking drugs and meanwhile, with the aid of a therapist who thinks i'm medicated, try to find out about my inner self and why i like them in the first place. Weird...really...weird.
Maybe i'm crazy, maybe i'm not, maybe i should be nuts...maybe it would help!
Take care Mister Thomas,
Whippet
jk just some money would be nice
I hope I didn't repell you by telling you about my Buddhist inclinations. I think -- if man is even capable of apprehending the nature of God -- that different faiths are simply a view of God from different mountain tops. Of course, culture and history are part of it, too. But in essense, I believe that if we're really seeing God, we're all focused on the same God. It simply doesn't make sense that, if the one true creator of the Universe made him/herself known on Earth, it wouldn't absolutely compell everyone's attention the world over. Just different vantage points, that's all. Merry Christmas, my friend!
Thomas
Thomas
Thomas
Thomas
you have me thinking agian, about the god thing
and religion,one of my favorit books on the subject
is aldous huxley's perenial philosphy a book about the beleif
of one god. i also love his doors of perception and heaven and hell.
speaking of phplosphy and religion nietzche was the son of a minister, nietzsche wrote a beautiful book on the passion and death of christ, then went crazy and killed himself writeing
a book on the anti-christ.
well just some thoughts , on to more festev thoughts on this
christmas morn i hope everyone here at the fourm has an enjoyable day, with famly and freinds
i hope everyone get what they want for christmas.
a pain free and restfull day would be a nice gift for all.
as far as gifts my wife has given me the bible on cd by a man named mac mclane a man with a sheakspearian voice truely a joy to listen to.
after being married for 13 years me and my wife have given each other just about everything over the years. so now i just have to give her time and affection.
one of the sad thing s in my lfe during this day is my one sister
is married to a palistianin form jordan and my wife is jewish
this religious difference has put a unhappy wedge between our relation ship. hopefully one day she will look past these
differences. i know i do.
let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me.
to take each moment and lve each moment in perfect harmony.
love ya all hippy
It's been said by far more intelligent people than I, but if we perpetrate some sort of pogrom against Arabs and Arab-Americans, we will only be confirming the things Bin Ladin says about our nature and intentions. Kennedy said it best, " ... our most basic common link is that we all inhabit this small planet, we all breath the same air, we all cherish our children's future, and we are all mortal."
And about Huxley. I'm still pissed that the real Soma doesn't live up to the Soma in Brave New World. I'm disgruntled!
Thomas
being half jewish, my sons mother was also jewish.
what can i say they act like the problems in israel
are my wifes fault.knowing a little about history
i realize that the arabs are getting the short end of the stick
in the west bank , and that they had there land taken from them back in the 1950's. but i consider myself and famly american.
im sure as you have read ,one of my biggest beleifs is setting aside our differences and coming together as equals for all
people.
besides being a bi-polar nut /active alcoholic/and a rightwing
religious christian nut, my sister beleives america deserved
what we got on 911. so to say the least she is impossible.
her husband is PLO and hates anything that has to do with
israel or jewish people.
to me hate, raceism, and bigotry are acids that destroy
the jar that holds them.
i will continue to be kind and considerate as long as my brotherin law does not touch or hurt my wife or kids.
if that was to happen i would be compled to do a jimmy hoffa
on him, without any remorse at all. my sister knows me and realizes that is not a threat, just reality.
joy to the world ha ha ha. hippy
i looked it up and right under it at amozon .com
was other books to reakd, jack kerouac-on the road
which i remember is being great.
and hunter thomsons books, speaking of him ,
i have freind who is a ski instructor in denver and he lives
next door to hunter thomson on the side of some mountian
and my freind is and useing buddie who stops over to get drunk with hunter who he says is a real nut , who gets loaded
and shoots his guns at the moon.
Thomas
Also, did you know that once Hunter Thomson signed a copy of his book for a fan by putting a .45 slug through it. Innovative. Cool in a Hunteresque way ...
Thomas
Allow me some literary correction. The first reviewer(s) was Kerouac's Friends, his 'agent', Burroughs, Ginsberg and Neal Cassidy. They dug it. The publishing world debated for 7
(That’s right 7) years before they published On the Road. Once published, reviews were mixed from ecstatic to xenophobes. You are absolutely correct about the mode of writting using speed and the one roll of typing paper
The comment, "That's not writing, that's typing" was not by the first reviewer ( reviews appeared months if not years before that remark and the comment was spawned by Kerouac’s subsequent fame) but by an individual whose intake of opiates, benzos, sleeping pills and alcohol rivals yours or mine. It was said on a talk show by one Truman Capote; quite some time after the book came out. Few considered it a “review " as much as a put down, which Capote, having lost any ability with the pen, the writing pen that is, was famous for in his later years of demise.
Kerouac's work, interesting enough, was full of Buddhist treatises and, while an alcoholic and raised in a very traditional catholic family, he fell headlong into Buddhism. Dharma Bums is still a great read. If you read and are pondering or have pondered Buddhism (vs. 'the gaseous vertebrae floating above who watches over us' belief - all respect given here - simply my take) you would probably enjoy that book. Finally, Kerouac took few if any drugs, rather he preferred a 5th a day of hard liquor in his later life (perhaps that accounted for the decline of his work). After eating a tuna sandwich while watching a soap opera in momma's house, he stumbled into the bathroom and unceremoniously died of a gastrointestinal bleed from alcohol. There are worse things than an opiate habit I guess.
In the hopes that this includes the requisite substance abuse/recovery content and with all due respect toward literary history and your continued interesting posts....
well the reason i mentioned on the road was
i stumbled across it looking up the book naked lunch
which thomas had mentioned, reading being my biggest
substute addiction that take the place of drugs.
i love kerouac, i have selected letters by kerouac.
i ma a big letter writer to many of my addict freinds in
jails all around the country.i find letters give a chance to see
inside the person.
mentioning buddism i find very interesting, tho i am not a buddist , i have read a lot about it because of the spiritual
principles they offer. as we stay clean it is important to
take the time to study spiritualty , which is the core of most recovery programs one really great book is TYING ROCKS TO CLOUDS.
and also another really really gtreat one is AWARENESS BY ANTHONY DEMELLO.
i love fiction but i try to make sure i read things that can help me in my recoverey like THE ROAD LESS TRAVELED, AND
IRON JHON. AND ANY BOOKS BY CAMBELL.
PEACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11
A MINIMILIST JOKE----------- -------3 IRISH GUYS LEAVE THE BAR.
Love the joke. I have friends in from Ireland for the holidays -great timing.
Pleased to hear there remain some Kerouac fans.
I am most interested in the letter writing to inmates. I was also quite interested in your earlier post about how things have turned out for you. You are in the cat bird's seat.
I too do a lot of public speaking and really enjoy it. But, is there a way I could learn more about writing inmates? I simply love to write and occasionally a sagacious thought lands in my meager brain. I worked for 10 years in the court system as as Court appointed volunteer for abandoned and neglected children. I was assigned was an 8 year old child when I got him. Warning people, don't read on if you have a weak stomach.
He was found on Christmas eve with cigarette burns all over his body, naked, no indoor plumbing. Mother was a hooker - we found dad about 8 years afterwards in Mexico. Anyway, the lad didn't speak to me for 2 years - and this was after visiting him twice a week. His first words were, 'you are really going to take me home for christmas??' and he threw his arms around me. He was there when my daughter was born and became part of the family. I stayed with him until he was emancipated at age 18 (10 years!) at which time he promptly went to jail for drugs, but I kept correspondence with him. He is now in the marines and has been for several years and has a family. I became the poster boy for recruiting volunteers and did a lot of public speaking. Terrified at first, after a couple of times doing it, I became very pumped ( another high ).
Anyway, I would like to write inmates is what this is all about and not for any buzz, but because I like to write and I believe in HOPE. Perhaps my words could do some good. If you can hook me up with a program I would be appreciative. We can do this off the board if you wish. If not, no problem. It was a pleasant reminder, your post. I have done few good things in my life, that was one.
Regards,
LS
an altruistic soul, the people i write to are people
i have come to know over the past 25 years during my
time in NA, some are very close freinds.
to trll ya the truth a lot of them have been safer in jail and probley would have died on the sreets.
i know of a place on the net where you may be able to find adress for in mates.
www.prison-ministries.com/
or others simalar if you search.
NA also runs H AND I meetings at prisons and instutions.
i know in los angeles you could get in touch with
the brothers of charity, a group started by the late
mother treasa, also the the group called the carholic worker
in LA.
regarding the beat genaration, i love jack and ont he road
amongst other works,
my neice was sent to ireland to the ohiggins famly farm
in mayo, she is 18 and is refered to as the yank there.
my sister was beating her up, so my 77 year old father intervened, because my sister is a active alcholic
with and 160 iq and 6 kids and a plo husband.
my dad is sober in a for 37 years and has a couple half way houses and started a organasion called UHELP UNIONS HELPING
POROLEES.BESIDES THE 3 PRAYER MEETING AT HIS HOUSE AND THE
6 MEMBERS OF AA WHO LIVE AT HIS HOUSE.
MY DAD WAS A MONK BACK IN THE 50'S UNDER THE TITALEDGE OF THOMAS MERTON IN GETSEMENE IN KENTUCKY.
SOME DAYS I WISH HE NEVER LEFT THE MONESTERY.
HIS NICK NAME IN AA IS THE MAD MONK.
ANYWAY TO MAKE A LONG STORY LONGER
I'LL END FOR NOW
PEACE BROTHER.
***@****
Sorry to crash in with a serious controversy as a new member, when everyone else seems to be in such cosy agreement that cannabis isn't harmful.
Unfortunately, the opposite is true. Inhaling cannabis smoke is several times more likely to cause lung cancer as having a cigarette with tobacco alone - which as we all know is bad enough already. There's also another problem.
For some people, perhaps like yourselves, cannabis can be a take-it-or-leave-it occasional social experience. For others, like many of my friends (and myself for six years until I stopped - hopefully for good - 3 weeks ago) cannabis can be a 24/7 shroud which slows you down, de-motivates you, prevents you from fully engaging with the world, and possibly protects you from dealing with difficult aspects of real life or your own personality.
For my first 2 weeks without a "spliff" I felt like I was constantly agitated, as if on speed, and could not get a proper night's sleep. However, I kept at it because I started noticing interesting things which I felt I had not seen for some while and my energy levels increased.
Some people regard cannabis as a "gateway" drug to other, more harmful stuff like heroin & crack. My experience was different -I started smoking pot to help the comedown from the various uppers I was taking: speed, cocaine & E / MDMA.
Anyway, may I recommend a great book? 'A Scanner Darkly' by Philip K. **** (Author of 'Bladerunner'). It's a science fiction novel, though with characters based on people in his own life, about an undercover narcotics cop in the future who becomes addicted to the drugs that he's employed to combat.
Happy New Year,
Disjointed
i have never seen you post before, have you been here before
useing a different name.
my name is michael and i am an addict, clean from a 20 a day vike habit, thanks to a lot of really good infrmative members here.
i have been at this fourm for about a year.
i have seen this board get out of hand a few times in the last year with posters posting bitterness back and forth.
one way to avoid this from happining is to try to avoid
out right digagreeing with others.
avoid contradicting other posters.
i am very laid back and get along wth everyone, this is accomplished by being kind , and considerate to others.
and being encouraging to to everyone here at he fourm.
i also allow people to make mistakes , i think we all sort of
need each other here for support and information.
some tmes one addicts experence is different then anothers,
we need to respect that we have differences, and we due well
to set them aside somedays and try to focus on our simalarities.
most of here have been to hell and back, some days we are caught in our own particular hell . it always nic e to be able to come here for some encouragement.
peace!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hippy
No, I haven't posted in this forum before, & looking at the threads I have actually been amazed and rather worried about the sheer variety of different chemicals that people can get addicted to. For instance, I haven't heard of vike before. I wonder if this variety is a difference between the UK and the USA, where I assume most of the posters on this site are from.
Or perhaps drugs are going by diffent names across the pond.
Most of the 'drug problem' in Britain is officially defined as people using crack & heroin, as they are the ones who cause most of the crime / public order problems, in terms of illegal activities by junkies to support their habits and gun wars on the streets between rival gangs of dealers. Also there are cheaper niche 'lower working class' sectors such as ketamine and speed, plus the 'recreational' weekend party drugs including ecstacy & cocaine.
Would I be right in presuming that some of the substances mentioned on this site were prescribed by doctors, who perhaps did not realise how dangerous the prescription was? If so, what is the (official) US drug industry doing - are they happy to make big profits out of this or are they trying to educate their retail arm, the medics, out of being 'pushers'?
Anyway, back to my point about cannabis, It's completely up to the individual whether they believe it's good for you, bad for you or whatever, but here's a web address for an article about a report by the British Lung Foundation citing new research on the very serious health dangers of smoking it.
http://news.independent.co.uk/uk/health/story.jsp?story=350987
Yours,
Disjointed
vikes are vicodin its a doctor prescribed pian killer.
like perc's --hydrocodone-- loracet- and a stronger one
oxycotin, all sort of like herion but in pill form.
most of the addicts at this fourm are either trying to get off of these pills or are taking them for severe pain and tring to find a responsable way of taking them.
you could say we ar mostly OPIATE USERS ANS X USERS.
there are a number of us who go to narcotics anonymous.
some go to a.a.
some of us are on methdone.we try to help each other with dealing with the problem of withdrawls from opiate adiction (addiction),
the issue of canabiss is rarly mentioned,
we get ome who are dealing with the withdrawls of benzo's
like XANAX.
ir you read through the past post you will get an idea.
me , i am a 42 year old addict who is CLEAN of the a 20 a day vike habit. since feb 02.
i had been clean in na for 17 years before i had 2 dhoulder operations and got hooked on the pain meds.
well keep posting and let us know what your story is and
where you are from.
peace ---------- hippy////michael
Yes, as you surmised, I am from the UK, and live in London. I have mentioned above that I have stopped smoking spliff (cannabis) from a fairly heavy habit just over 3 weeks ago; I am also trying to cut down on the various 'social' drugs that are the norm in the group of people I mix with - mainly cocaine (powder) & exstasy - also to reduce my excessive alcohol intake.
Believe it or not, I had become increasingly worried by my increasing reliance on dope but thought (from my increasing state of agitation & inability to sleep when my supply occasionally ran out) that it would be too difficult to give up.
Then one night in early December, down the pub with my some friends, I got so drunk that I was unable to roll a spliff when I got back to my house, then I passed out.
I woke up the next morning with a thumping hangover but feeling strangely alert and bright. The next evening I resisted the temptation to roll a joint and gave away my last bit of hash.
For the following two weeks I had to work hard to manage my rather manic behaviour and some friends even advised me to go back on the weed as I had a calmer personality when I was on it!
I have cut down on coffee a lot in the last week & I think it has helped. Also I am trying to avoid the all-night party scene which was the site for much of my use of uppers.
Anyway, enough about me, Hippee, I have a question for you. I have noted that you are pretty much exactly the same age as me (I'm 43 next month) & I wonder whether there is any overlap between us in the kind of music you were listening to in your mid teens? For instance, were you in to
Hawkwind
Motorhead
Led Zep
Deep Purple
King Crimson
ELP
Yes
Pink Floyd?
or alternatively
Hendrix
Janis
Jim Morrison
Eric Clapton?
Anyway, I notice that JBB has posted something up on the 'can cocaine damage your eyeballs' thread so I'm going to check it out.
Yours,
Disjointed
pink floyd
led zep
doors
jefferson starship.
deep purpel
david bowie
kinks
beatles
neil young
america
bruce springstien
just to name a few
"If you read and are pondering or have pondered Buddhism (vs. 'the gaseous vertebrae floating above who watches over us' belief - all respect given here - simply my take) you would probably enjoy that book."
Instead, are we suppose to worship a fat guy that eats the Colonel's cuisine far to often? (All respect given here - simply my take).
Peace,
Mike
Van Halen
Styx
Kansas
Foghat
Foreigner
Queen
Aerosmith
Joe Satriani
Blue Oyster Cult
Anything with a screaming guitar!
Rex
i agree that cannabis is not as harmless as often said.
i have been a regular user since 8th grade which was in...hm...
1991 ( i remember having my first drags off of a hash pipe before going to the zz-top concert of the recycler tour...)
and it did not let me go. it slowed me down and made me afraid of opening up. also it started me into the vicious circle of lying to my parents, raiding their purses and all but always with a bad feeling about it.
it is so different depending on when, how and why and how often you do it... for me it was the known escape route out of reality out of the real feels. i finished mine just few days ago after trying to quit uncounted numerous times ( i have been throwing away so much paraphenalia hoping it would help me to push it aside, you could open a shop with it).
sometimes it worked a few weeks. i will not give up trying too soon... i got myself to quit sticking **** into my arms and it was helpful at first to have a smoke at least, and now that i tasted (clean) blood i want more.
i always disliked the weeks after stopping thc when i get so
energetic but uncontrolled. sports i guess is the answer to that.
i smoked several grams a day, mostly joints with tobacco in'em.
and my lungs hurt. i will see a doctor about them someday.
one tobacco and weed joint is said to be as harmful as a pack of cigarettes. if i use this for measuring, ive been smoking several hundred cigarettes a day many times.
ughw, i dont want this no more. i hope i am going to be strong like you are. lets watch our user friends and be glad we keep our spirit soul and body together. lets sit there midst the stoned ones and enjoy every toke not done while massageing our lungs. lets buy books and music and things that last instead of burning the money for poisonous smoke...
maybe if someone offers me a drag off of the EVAPORATOR..
then i will do again...
lets get real folks. at least a few weeks...?
thank you.
best regards, bob.