Aa
So down right now, please help!
It seems like I'm in a crazy tug of war for my life with the devil and it seems like he's doing enough **** where I feel like I'm losing my grip. I've had a helluva time trying to get off pills and for those that don't know I'm trying to taper off sub.
In the past I've gone ct only to have my old pals depression and anxiety hit me in a big way. This time I figured out finally that I can't do it alone and need aftercare to get and stay clean. I've been to a few meetings but my trouble is just getting to a meeting. My ex who promised to watch the kids has been unreliable and I've found myself sitting ready to leave and have him not show up.
Last week he pulled that stunt and we had a big blowout and he promised to watch the kids from then on so I could get to a meeting. Thing is it's not going to happen. Got in a big fight again tonight. This just isn't going to happen. I feel helpless and tonight it hit me that I might not make it. That life just might be done for me and it's just a matter of time. If I didn't have my precious babies I'd probably be happy to say enough and let go. But I have to find a way.
My only option now seems to be a therapist that I can see in the daytime when the kids are in school. I have an appointment Friday to start seeing one. Will seeing a therapist be enough?? I'd love to hear from those who have stayed sober without NA/AA and have had therapy only or something else as aftercare.
I'm tired of being defeated at every turn. I want to do this but with every blow like this a voice at the back of my head says "your screwed" and I lose a little more of my fight each time. Life is a nightmare, I would have offed myself years ago if I knew what hell lay ahead for me.
I guess I'm feeling really hopeless and yeah pretty sorry for myself. But to try so hard and just get **** on at every turn makes being positive really hard. It's like the devil himself pulls me under just when I think I'm coming up for air. I still got fight in me but sometimes I'm scared it won't be enough. That I'm not strong enough to endure the storm ahead. I used to think I could get through anything. God knows I've gone through some horrific crap in my life but does it get to a point where a person just can't do it anymore? Because that's how I feel. I know I can't though. Giving up would be easy and death a welcome relief from the misery I call life. But for my kids sake I have to change on every level. But it's so overwhelming and seems so impossible and out of reach. Right now I need some help. I need to hear that I will be able to get through this because I don't believe it when i hear it from myself anymore. Please help, sinking fast here. Feel so utterly hopeless right now.
In the past I've gone ct only to have my old pals depression and anxiety hit me in a big way. This time I figured out finally that I can't do it alone and need aftercare to get and stay clean. I've been to a few meetings but my trouble is just getting to a meeting. My ex who promised to watch the kids has been unreliable and I've found myself sitting ready to leave and have him not show up.
Last week he pulled that stunt and we had a big blowout and he promised to watch the kids from then on so I could get to a meeting. Thing is it's not going to happen. Got in a big fight again tonight. This just isn't going to happen. I feel helpless and tonight it hit me that I might not make it. That life just might be done for me and it's just a matter of time. If I didn't have my precious babies I'd probably be happy to say enough and let go. But I have to find a way.
My only option now seems to be a therapist that I can see in the daytime when the kids are in school. I have an appointment Friday to start seeing one. Will seeing a therapist be enough?? I'd love to hear from those who have stayed sober without NA/AA and have had therapy only or something else as aftercare.
I'm tired of being defeated at every turn. I want to do this but with every blow like this a voice at the back of my head says "your screwed" and I lose a little more of my fight each time. Life is a nightmare, I would have offed myself years ago if I knew what hell lay ahead for me.
I guess I'm feeling really hopeless and yeah pretty sorry for myself. But to try so hard and just get **** on at every turn makes being positive really hard. It's like the devil himself pulls me under just when I think I'm coming up for air. I still got fight in me but sometimes I'm scared it won't be enough. That I'm not strong enough to endure the storm ahead. I used to think I could get through anything. God knows I've gone through some horrific crap in my life but does it get to a point where a person just can't do it anymore? Because that's how I feel. I know I can't though. Giving up would be easy and death a welcome relief from the misery I call life. But for my kids sake I have to change on every level. But it's so overwhelming and seems so impossible and out of reach. Right now I need some help. I need to hear that I will be able to get through this because I don't believe it when i hear it from myself anymore. Please help, sinking fast here. Feel so utterly hopeless right now.
good morning i hope you are feeling stronger today and your demons have been beaten down. i believe that addiction is definitely a spiritual battle. i see you have belief in God. you need to pray, rebuke the powers of darkness, get involved in your church. you have to want to be clean as much as you wanted to get high. you have to take control of your life and really ask the Lord to help you. greater is HE that is in you, then he that is in the world.go to church, talk to a pastor, ask for prayer, get involved in a christian support group, go to a therapist, attend prayer meetings. the Lord can and will pull you through. you have to push forward with all that is in you. read your Bible, you are in bondage and need to break those chains. my husband was clean for 5 yrs.when i met him. he was the director of a christian drug and alcohol program. it is true the devil will do whatever he has to do get you back again. my husband relapsed and he fought the demons for 14 yrs. our life and our family was a mess. we have 5 children. he has been clean for one yr. yesterday. PTL!!!!!! we always went to church and i believe it kept his addiction to methadone and xanax at bay. it definitely was wrong that he was using and always denied he was. we fought , he confessed sometime would go by and he would use again. so last year he confessed in front of our church of his use and lies, and went into the same christian rehab that he had been the director of 20 yrs. before he stayed 2 months and now is the man i married. he ministers there a few days a week and ministers to familys of addicts. i know i have to be careful and be diligent because the demon is like a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour. be strong in the Lord and power of HIS might. you can do this.
blessings,
debbie
blessings,
debbie
Tavia, you got me in tears but today they are tears of HAPPINESS! I was hoping I'd hear an update from you. To read your still clean and that I helped you so much makes my heart SOAR!! Maybe I'm not as worthless as I thought ;) . Maybe I can get through this and find a way to help other people through it. I definitely have a passion for helping people. I think it derives from losing my own mother to this addiction. We were very close and I spent years trying to help her but her battle ended in liver failure and a death no child should ever watch their mother go through. Having seen the darkest side of addiction didn't prevent me from becoming an addict myself but it has now definitely made me feel very strongly in helping people. One day down the road when I'm off sub and have some clean time I'd like to get a job working with people who have addictions. It would be the most rewarding, meaningful job I could ever have. More a life calling then a job..
So your going to therapy now? That's awesome. I'm starting Friday. I can really relate to the feelings of guilt you've had to face. My kids are 2 and 3 and I've also been high through the majority of their young lives. But we have MANY years left to make up for that lost time. No we can't get them back but now the years that follow (and the ones they will remember) will be that of a mother who is loving, caring, clear headed and CLEAN.
Thank you Tavia for posting to me. Your post helped me immensely... I can't even describe it. I feel like new wind has been put in my sails. After reading what you wrote I feel far more motivated I don't feel so worthless knowing I helped a little girl get her mommy back. My heart is just glowing thinking about it. God bless you and your family and I think the years ahead will be the happiest, most rewarding ones of your life. Please stay in touch. Post here or PM me. Ahh I'm just on cloud 9 right now, I'm a mushball and can't stop crying - I'm SO HAPPY I was able to be a part in helping you get through it. Now stay strong and keep going. Your doing great and from what I've read the fog will lift and it will be soon. I think I've heard it said a lot that 90 days is a turning point for a lot of people. Your getting close! God bless you Tavia :)
So your going to therapy now? That's awesome. I'm starting Friday. I can really relate to the feelings of guilt you've had to face. My kids are 2 and 3 and I've also been high through the majority of their young lives. But we have MANY years left to make up for that lost time. No we can't get them back but now the years that follow (and the ones they will remember) will be that of a mother who is loving, caring, clear headed and CLEAN.
Thank you Tavia for posting to me. Your post helped me immensely... I can't even describe it. I feel like new wind has been put in my sails. After reading what you wrote I feel far more motivated I don't feel so worthless knowing I helped a little girl get her mommy back. My heart is just glowing thinking about it. God bless you and your family and I think the years ahead will be the happiest, most rewarding ones of your life. Please stay in touch. Post here or PM me. Ahh I'm just on cloud 9 right now, I'm a mushball and can't stop crying - I'm SO HAPPY I was able to be a part in helping you get through it. Now stay strong and keep going. Your doing great and from what I've read the fog will lift and it will be soon. I think I've heard it said a lot that 90 days is a turning point for a lot of people. Your getting close! God bless you Tavia :)
Hi.. You can do this! It takes time and belief....but the end result is you can do this! I find that helping others is a huge help to yourself!! Once you are in therapy ( which I highly recommend) and you start to feel better you can start being the inspiration to others as you were/are to me. Do you remember when I though I couldn't make it and you were right there as my cheerleading squad!! You helped me believe that I could do this!!! I am doing this!! Bellieve me I have many a day that I think "just one" but what would that do except put back into hell again. In all truth I am still in a fog but I keep holding on to that wish that one day the fog will lift and I will feel "normal" I remember when I did feel normal so I do know it is there. Also, I have to remind myself that mixing all those pills that I was playing with death everyday.....they would surely kill me. How unfair to my baby!!!!!! The days that I felt SO DOWN and INCREDIBLY GUILTY that I was high for the two years of of my lil girls almost three years alive YOU reminded me on how much courage I had to finally make a change and how lucky my lil girl is now that her mommy is deciding to be the mommy should be. You did this!!! To me you are worth more than words can say. You helped save a life...mine!! Thank you!!
Iam also tapering off of sub, but Im also taking a anti-depressant and it's helping .....my suggestion, is for your kids sake you need to investigate all your options, if one doesn't work try another...I also, agree with the other post, should this really be the time to taper off your sub, give yourself a break, the important thing is staying off the bad pills right?
COMMUNITY LEADER
You keep talking about your feelings, we will be here to listen and help you~~When you go and see your therapist just be honest as the truth really does set us free. Noone is going to take your babies away. Just get on the road to recovery so these pills dont take their momma away~~
~~Go with a spirit that fears nothing~~
~~Go with a spirit that fears nothing~~
Hi all,
Vicky what I meant was that because it's seemingly a real problem to get to meetings that maybe I can recover without a 12 step program and thought you were doing exactly that, recovering without going to meetings but instead utilizing other alternatives in your recovery so it made me think hey maybe I don't have to do a 12 step program. Surely there are people in recovery who do other forms of aftercare. 12 steps, although very good, aren't *essential* are they? I live in an area with limited meetings. One a week! I can travel an hour to go to other meetings but again, they are at night and getting to them would be a problem. So it looks like I'll do therapy only. I see the therapist for the first time Friday and I'll explain my situation and ask her if she can see me at least 3-4 days a week. I think I need that and because I'm not working yet (will be in the summer though) I can go to as many therapy appointments as I want during the day.
Gnarly, I am a firm believer in God. I don't attend church regularly (I'd like to change that in the near future) and I know God helped me get through some very low points in my life. I really do feel the spiritual side of this. My soul if it could be seen would probably have claw marks on it from the battles I've fought with the devil especially in recent years when this addiction started. I've experienced how that old devil can try to derail people when they are fighting to get back to the light. And I've seen it even in this forum. For example I have seen so many peoplego through detox and out of nowhere get into a car accident or have to have an operation suddenly-things that would make it very hard not to take pills. When I relapsed I had no way of getting pills but out of nowhere the dealer walks out of a variety store near my house and the guy lives an hour away and rarely comes to the town I live in!! I had been on the fence and going back and forth--then I come face to face out of the blue with him and it was a test I failed. I have detoxed fully a couple times and am always amazed at the tests that come out of nowhere. Like some dark invisible force trying to suck me back in. It's unreal. Ok I probably sound like a nut job now but I really feel that the devil is in those damn pills. But the main thing that I remember is that his power is no match against Gods power. I remember being very sick on day 6 last year and was at the point where I just couldn't bear another day like that. I was lying there limp like a rag doll. I swear I've never felt so drained and I prayed hard and the next day I felt waay better. I mean really better it seemed impossible to improve that much from where I was at in such a short time but I did. I'm sure it was God who pulled me back up. I got through the physical crap (but lost the mental challenge. No aftercare was my worst mistake!) I believe God will see me through this. There are times I lose hope (like yesterday) but in my heart I know He hasn't given up on me. And I won't either.
Sara thank you, glad to hear that I won't have to tell all right away. It's good to know I will be able to go and take baby steps and work on it gradually and at a rate I'm comfortable with. With NA meetings pretty much out now, I'm praying that this therapist is a good person and someone I can form a strong bond with and feel comfortable with. I spoke with her briefly and she did seem nice. I still worry because I have kids. I've always been afraid of having my kids taken from me because of being an addict and have gone through the last 2 years keeping it a secret. I haven't told ANY friends. Just my family knows. So the idea of telling a complete stranger about my addiction seems very out there to me. The only reason why I decided to go ahead with it was because I am not in active addiction now and on sub. I don't think they can report you unless your an active addict or they feel your a danger to your kids which I am definitely not. From the outside I appear to be a normal mom. I take my kids on outings, tot class, etc. and people who know me would be in disbelief if I told them. Only I know just how screwed up I am lol.
Thank your everyone! I really do need to get out of my head and stop being so negative. When I hit those lows it's a dark place. It consumes me and when I'm in it I can't see ahead or see anything in a positive light. I've suffered from depression my whole life and have always dealt with hitting really bad lows that can last anywhere from a few hours to days at a time. When I snap out of it I can see how my thinking is incredibly negative during those episodes but while I'm in it I feel trapped in my own head. Hopefully working with a therapist will help me avoid those lows or at least get myself out of it before I'm at the point where I'm thinking about ending it. Sorry I've rambled on, I have so much running through my head. My mind races all the time, I wish I could turn it off sometimes!
Vicky what I meant was that because it's seemingly a real problem to get to meetings that maybe I can recover without a 12 step program and thought you were doing exactly that, recovering without going to meetings but instead utilizing other alternatives in your recovery so it made me think hey maybe I don't have to do a 12 step program. Surely there are people in recovery who do other forms of aftercare. 12 steps, although very good, aren't *essential* are they? I live in an area with limited meetings. One a week! I can travel an hour to go to other meetings but again, they are at night and getting to them would be a problem. So it looks like I'll do therapy only. I see the therapist for the first time Friday and I'll explain my situation and ask her if she can see me at least 3-4 days a week. I think I need that and because I'm not working yet (will be in the summer though) I can go to as many therapy appointments as I want during the day.
Gnarly, I am a firm believer in God. I don't attend church regularly (I'd like to change that in the near future) and I know God helped me get through some very low points in my life. I really do feel the spiritual side of this. My soul if it could be seen would probably have claw marks on it from the battles I've fought with the devil especially in recent years when this addiction started. I've experienced how that old devil can try to derail people when they are fighting to get back to the light. And I've seen it even in this forum. For example I have seen so many peoplego through detox and out of nowhere get into a car accident or have to have an operation suddenly-things that would make it very hard not to take pills. When I relapsed I had no way of getting pills but out of nowhere the dealer walks out of a variety store near my house and the guy lives an hour away and rarely comes to the town I live in!! I had been on the fence and going back and forth--then I come face to face out of the blue with him and it was a test I failed. I have detoxed fully a couple times and am always amazed at the tests that come out of nowhere. Like some dark invisible force trying to suck me back in. It's unreal. Ok I probably sound like a nut job now but I really feel that the devil is in those damn pills. But the main thing that I remember is that his power is no match against Gods power. I remember being very sick on day 6 last year and was at the point where I just couldn't bear another day like that. I was lying there limp like a rag doll. I swear I've never felt so drained and I prayed hard and the next day I felt waay better. I mean really better it seemed impossible to improve that much from where I was at in such a short time but I did. I'm sure it was God who pulled me back up. I got through the physical crap (but lost the mental challenge. No aftercare was my worst mistake!) I believe God will see me through this. There are times I lose hope (like yesterday) but in my heart I know He hasn't given up on me. And I won't either.
Sara thank you, glad to hear that I won't have to tell all right away. It's good to know I will be able to go and take baby steps and work on it gradually and at a rate I'm comfortable with. With NA meetings pretty much out now, I'm praying that this therapist is a good person and someone I can form a strong bond with and feel comfortable with. I spoke with her briefly and she did seem nice. I still worry because I have kids. I've always been afraid of having my kids taken from me because of being an addict and have gone through the last 2 years keeping it a secret. I haven't told ANY friends. Just my family knows. So the idea of telling a complete stranger about my addiction seems very out there to me. The only reason why I decided to go ahead with it was because I am not in active addiction now and on sub. I don't think they can report you unless your an active addict or they feel your a danger to your kids which I am definitely not. From the outside I appear to be a normal mom. I take my kids on outings, tot class, etc. and people who know me would be in disbelief if I told them. Only I know just how screwed up I am lol.
Thank your everyone! I really do need to get out of my head and stop being so negative. When I hit those lows it's a dark place. It consumes me and when I'm in it I can't see ahead or see anything in a positive light. I've suffered from depression my whole life and have always dealt with hitting really bad lows that can last anywhere from a few hours to days at a time. When I snap out of it I can see how my thinking is incredibly negative during those episodes but while I'm in it I feel trapped in my own head. Hopefully working with a therapist will help me avoid those lows or at least get myself out of it before I'm at the point where I'm thinking about ending it. Sorry I've rambled on, I have so much running through my head. My mind races all the time, I wish I could turn it off sometimes!
COMMUNITY LEADER
Your brain is going a million miles an hour here. When you go and see the therapist you wont spill all your guts, we take baby steps or it gets to be to overwhelming. We deal with each issue as it comes up. You are a wonderful, caring, intelligent woman. I cant wait till you finally see that and you know what? You will~~~sara
HI......sounds like life is kicking you when your down....but thats how life plays out sometime
you have to overcome our obsticals the human spirit is a lot more resilient then you think
people have survived the holocaust where there was no hope at all but it was the human spirit that got them threw you need to dig deep down inside yourself to find that in you and you wont be defeated as for wrestling with the devel im a firm believer we dont wrestle with the flesh but ageist the powers and principality of darkness this truly is a spiritual battle one thats needs the power of Jesus to win it.....I would have never made it off methadone if it wasn't for God
I use to get stuck at certain doses ...it seamed like it was impossible to get lower....I even told my wife....''I think im going to be a junkie the rest of my life'' but with much prayer and a whole lot of faith in God by the shed blood of Jesus im clean and sober today it may be time you start fighting this thing on a spiritual plain....I have seen amazing things happen to people that have tried....I dont like to get to much into God here in the forum I dont want to offend people but if you want to know more P/M me and we can talk ...trust me God makes it possible .....good luck and God bless......Gnarly
you have to overcome our obsticals the human spirit is a lot more resilient then you think
people have survived the holocaust where there was no hope at all but it was the human spirit that got them threw you need to dig deep down inside yourself to find that in you and you wont be defeated as for wrestling with the devel im a firm believer we dont wrestle with the flesh but ageist the powers and principality of darkness this truly is a spiritual battle one thats needs the power of Jesus to win it.....I would have never made it off methadone if it wasn't for God
I use to get stuck at certain doses ...it seamed like it was impossible to get lower....I even told my wife....''I think im going to be a junkie the rest of my life'' but with much prayer and a whole lot of faith in God by the shed blood of Jesus im clean and sober today it may be time you start fighting this thing on a spiritual plain....I have seen amazing things happen to people that have tried....I dont like to get to much into God here in the forum I dont want to offend people but if you want to know more P/M me and we can talk ...trust me God makes it possible .....good luck and God bless......Gnarly
I'm going to tell you what I really think...you're going to be just fine!! You're articulating everything very well and you sound clear as a bell to me. You've got a little work to do,we all do,it's a continuum... I didn't mention AA/NA? I thought i did. Oh,you mean to you?
Well...I didn't think I needed to;you already had that plan going on and I was offering what I do. But,I do think you would do great with an addictionologist/therapist. You need a little one to one. Someone to help you through the fire...just my opinion!
With a therapist,you can still go to AA. There are no rules here...you do what works or what you think will work. Some people do both . So,no AA at lunch time during the day when you could go? Or in the morning? Usually there are meetings all the time.. Just an aside I'll tell you this little story: Early on I started looking up locations and where I live they're everywhere, all the time. Some start at 6 am and go until after 9pm. Anyway,there is one in the city,not far from my house. It begins at 10 pm!! I saw that and I thought" that
might be fun". FUN!! Did I think this was a party? Kind of...at 10pm..I was dying to go to check it out and...I wasn't disappointed. My head was in the wrong place though.
Your head is where it should be I think. I can read the desperation but You're strong!!
Stop those negative thoughts,okay? You're spending waaaay too much time in your head
and it's not healthy ( mostly everyone does that though ).
Be good!
Well...I didn't think I needed to;you already had that plan going on and I was offering what I do. But,I do think you would do great with an addictionologist/therapist. You need a little one to one. Someone to help you through the fire...just my opinion!
With a therapist,you can still go to AA. There are no rules here...you do what works or what you think will work. Some people do both . So,no AA at lunch time during the day when you could go? Or in the morning? Usually there are meetings all the time.. Just an aside I'll tell you this little story: Early on I started looking up locations and where I live they're everywhere, all the time. Some start at 6 am and go until after 9pm. Anyway,there is one in the city,not far from my house. It begins at 10 pm!! I saw that and I thought" that
might be fun". FUN!! Did I think this was a party? Kind of...at 10pm..I was dying to go to check it out and...I wasn't disappointed. My head was in the wrong place though.
Your head is where it should be I think. I can read the desperation but You're strong!!
Stop those negative thoughts,okay? You're spending waaaay too much time in your head
and it's not healthy ( mostly everyone does that though ).
Be good!
Thanks for your help. Vicky it wasn't missing the meeting that I see as a major blow, it was realizing that being able to really get into NA wasn't going to be possible. I cannot get to enough meetings. One a week (at best) isn't a recovery program. One thing I noticed in your post is that you didn't mention NA/AA. You give me hope that a recovery program can be found in other places aside from 12 steps. And I think what your doing sounds great. Hell I could keep a team of professionals busy so I can relate to wanting as much support as I can get. I've also got a long history of addiction and depression/anxiety issues. That crap is why I fell in love with the pills. I never felt normal my whole life until I took an opiate. The opiates seemed at first to balance me out but of course they ended up ruining my life. I ruined my life though, the pills didn't hold me down and force me to take them. I know I'm the only one who can get out of this mess and from now on I rely on nobody. Nobody but me can get me well. I'll pray that the therapy will be what I need to straighten my life out. I might be off oxy (on sub) but I'm still a freaking mess. I'm still isolating, I'm still disorganized and struggle just to function at the most basic level. I'm lost in my head and consumed with how I've screwed things up so bad over the years. I know that's not helping but I can't help it, being negative is normal for me. I hate being this way, I do but from a young age, somewhere along the way my view of the world took on a dark perspective. Odd thing is I'm the person people turn to in their hardship and I can't seem to take my own advice or give myself any credit or let myself off the hook for all my sins. I feel like the addiction just brought out the worst in me and drowned out the good things. I feel inadequate, desperate, lonely and I hate not being able to beat this. I hate that I haven't done it already. Lifes too short to feel like this and I want to DO something about it yet sometimes I feel like I'm frozen and like in a dream where I'm running as fast as I can but can't seem to move. I'm trying to get recovery going but keep getting derailed. I go to see that therapist but I'm afraid to go. I have kids and not sure how much I could/should open up. I'm afraid if I say too much about my screwed up self I'll be vulnerable and having general distrust to begin with I'm torn. Part of me wants to get all those demons out so they can't hurt me anymore but the other part of me is scared and I know I'll have a hard time letting my guard down. Therapy might work but if I can't feel ok with letting it all out then I'm back at square 1. I'm willing to try though, I don't trust myself right now. Having way to many "go get a pill" thoughts. I've already slipped up a couple times and I don't want to screw up anymore. I want to say I'm in recovery and feel it. I want to abandon all my fears and smash the chains the past has on me. But I can't conquer my demons if I can't or am afraid to get help. That's why I feel so hopeless. I've screwed up so much in the past I'm afraid recovery will be just one more thing I'll **** up like only I can. Jeez I am negative! Uggh I better make this therapy thing work, God knows I need it. I'll try it and pray that the old saying that everything happens for a reason is true and that for whatever reason this is the path I'm meant to take. Thank you all for taking time to reply and help me. My kids are my life and my life is worth saving to be there for them. I had a moment a little while ago and was feeling just awful and my little guy comes up and throws his arms around my neck and tells me he loves me. Suddenly I'm reminded how blessed I am and it was a little sign that giving up is not an option. Thanks again and you guys will never know how much you help me. I got no one to talk to and my brother btw started a new job so he can't help like he said he would. Not his fault, I'm happy he found work but he was my last hope for watching the kids so I could get to the meeting. But I'll try to tell myself I'm just not meant to go that route. There is more then one way to skin an addiction!
I see that you believe in God. Pray outloud. I always feel an immediate sense lf comfort when i do it :)
I have a therapist,my physician and a life coach. LOL It's overkill but I had years and years
of active addiction so...I needed security and still do. I don't see or speak to all of them in the same week or even month. I rotate them. I know it sounds stupid but it works for me. They each bring something different and enlightening to the table. I've gone to meetings and still do once in awhile. So,yes,whatever works for you. But,try not to choose a path out of desperation okay? You need to want to be there; this is all about you and what you're willing to do to be well.
I think a good thing would be to stop depending on your ex husband. You just set yourself up by doing that. You know he won't show up but you have a good excuse...what happened with your brother? I'm just pointing these things out to you to help you see that this is your battle and you have to fight really hard! You owe your children that. They won't remember an addicted mother when they have a role model who is strong.
Can you go to meetings during the day when the kids are in school?
And you're calling this a major blow today? The fact that you didn't go to a meeting?
I know you feel awful, believe me. You referenced suicide 5 times in your post. It really does work out and you will feel better. There are folks on this forum who have been through hell also and are making it work. Believe in yourself and go after it! Try not to be so negative,okay? You're overwhelmed right now so give your brain a break and settle down for the night.
Post often-
of active addiction so...I needed security and still do. I don't see or speak to all of them in the same week or even month. I rotate them. I know it sounds stupid but it works for me. They each bring something different and enlightening to the table. I've gone to meetings and still do once in awhile. So,yes,whatever works for you. But,try not to choose a path out of desperation okay? You need to want to be there; this is all about you and what you're willing to do to be well.
I think a good thing would be to stop depending on your ex husband. You just set yourself up by doing that. You know he won't show up but you have a good excuse...what happened with your brother? I'm just pointing these things out to you to help you see that this is your battle and you have to fight really hard! You owe your children that. They won't remember an addicted mother when they have a role model who is strong.
Can you go to meetings during the day when the kids are in school?
And you're calling this a major blow today? The fact that you didn't go to a meeting?
I know you feel awful, believe me. You referenced suicide 5 times in your post. It really does work out and you will feel better. There are folks on this forum who have been through hell also and are making it work. Believe in yourself and go after it! Try not to be so negative,okay? You're overwhelmed right now so give your brain a break and settle down for the night.
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HI, may I suggest backing up a bit and staying on your suboxone program until you are able to incorporate a full program for yourself that includes meetings. There is no reason to suffer the way you are. All I am trying to say is this may not be the time for you to be tapering the sub. You have your kids to take care of & you are in a real bad spot. It is easier to taper or jump off if you meetings & other recovery oriented pele around you and in your life. ask your therapist and see what they recommend based onyour situation. Hang in there. I know what you are feeling & it does get better. Even if you dont think it will get better,fake it. Good luck
If your desire to stay clean is greater than your desire to use............then you can stay clean no matter what......Really,Im serious now that the dope is out of your sysyem now you get to practice the art of Living Life On Life's Terms......without the use of drugs.
NA has on line meetings and some great support groups kinda like this one. I would google Narcotics Anonmyous.....then narrow the search to your aera.Also if you do not work and the kids are in school try to find some lunch time meetings
Do whatever you can to get you ex- out of the picture so you don't have to deal with disappointments on a regular basis.......take responsibility for getting yourself where you need to be. You will find a lot of freedom in that.
It does get better I promise..........sometimes quickly sometimes slowly sometimes very slowly. But as long as you don;t pick up the dope you still have a choice..............Find someone on here that works the 12 steps of recovery in their life. I know there is a forum for that I ran across it the other day but right now I can't remember.
Get you a Basic Text............and a meditation book Just For Today (NA) and begin every day with reading out of each book.....................Thats a start to a program................ Each day is a New Begining with more and more choices............As long as you don;t use. You have begun this process of recovery so don;t let anyone upset you so much that you throw it away............
Recovery belongs to you now..................I believe in you.....Huggggs
NA has on line meetings and some great support groups kinda like this one. I would google Narcotics Anonmyous.....then narrow the search to your aera.Also if you do not work and the kids are in school try to find some lunch time meetings
Do whatever you can to get you ex- out of the picture so you don't have to deal with disappointments on a regular basis.......take responsibility for getting yourself where you need to be. You will find a lot of freedom in that.
It does get better I promise..........sometimes quickly sometimes slowly sometimes very slowly. But as long as you don;t pick up the dope you still have a choice..............Find someone on here that works the 12 steps of recovery in their life. I know there is a forum for that I ran across it the other day but right now I can't remember.
Get you a Basic Text............and a meditation book Just For Today (NA) and begin every day with reading out of each book.....................Thats a start to a program................ Each day is a New Begining with more and more choices............As long as you don;t use. You have begun this process of recovery so don;t let anyone upset you so much that you throw it away............
Recovery belongs to you now..................I believe in you.....Huggggs
Hey, Look I been where your at. Yeah i am at 40 days, but worked so hard to get those days. Yes a therapist will help if you find the right one. I see one. He is the one that talked me into getting off suboxone. I now see him twice a week. I just started a group class called celebrate recovery. church based. It is helpful kinda like na but church based. It is good. Hang in there, I wanted to give up to, but when people said it will get better it did just give it time. It is so worth it. I had no work or anything. broke! Now so much work can handle it all. Something good is around the corner. Yeah the devil wants to take you under, but you know those kids need you and it will get better. I guarantee it. How many days clean our you?
I am so sad but I can't even cry. There's a deep ache in my chest. Crying is for people who still have spirit left. I feel just a persistent hopelessness. Flat, defeated and regretting it all so bad. Knew I'd have to pay the piper one day but wasn't prepared for the cost to be bigger then me.
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